Being upset and angry because my ex's girlfriend pierced my daughter's ears?

[thecatmother]

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced.
I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together.
My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing.
We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced.
In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside.
I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

It's not ideal but assault, really?

She obviously wanted them pierced and I bet your Ex knew, he's just blaming his GF so he doesn't get the blame.

To those who are questioning my ex not noticing- I Know!!!! Me too!! The only redemption for him is that DD has always been a fan of stick on earrings and allowed clip ons during the holidays. His GF does like to play mummy and I did have this problem about 2 years ago, when she would totally take over when the DD was with them and my ex had no clue what DD ate or did during their time together. I do appreciate that she means well and that she loves my child, but I need her in her lane, firmly!

Although the law says parental consent must be given, they don't actually check this. When I took DD to Claire's (years ago) to get her ears pierced, no one actually asked for ID to prove that I was her mum. This also worries me when I see babies (who can't give consent or say whether they are out with mum or nan or dad's gf) getting ears pierced.
Likely they just asked and the GF signed consent which makes it her that was breaking the law - the shop has covered their arses by informing what the law is.
We really need for all piercing places to insist on ID.
I think the GF sounds dim and lacking in any sort of judgement. I'd want to know where this had been done so I could verify the hygiene and contact them in the hope they'll be more careful in future. I'd absolutely refuse to allow gf to be alone with DD again - if ex wouldn't agree to this I'd suspend contact because who knows what other stupid shit she'd do if given the opportunity.
I wouldn't go nuclear with ex unless he won't agree to the above - I don't think he could have predicted gf would do something so utterly stupid.

Although - at the moment - it’s only (if you’re in the UK) illegal in Scotland; the largest piercing company in Europe wouldn’t have done it unless your ex’s GF claimed to be you/have PR.

Decisions like that are for you & your ex to make. His GF doesn’t have to help your DD care for the piercings - though she’d have had to try to cope if your DD had (heaven forbid) had a severe allergic reaction to those first earrings; or had fainted in response to being pierced (which might have left her with only one piercing); or had been distressed by the experience; or had decided she didn’t like the piercings & damaged her lobes trying to remove them. All of which things I’ve known to happen.

Being angry & upset is totally reasonable, especially as you’re processing that away from your DD. Communicating a bit of it at your ex wouldn’t be unreasonable - maybe after you’ve been to a reputable piercing place? They might be willing to provide some information you can use to help make it really clear that as well as this being a decision for the two of you to make, what his GF did was inappropriate in a whole other way as well. You shouldn’t need to make a show of “I’m not being possessive/jealous/whatever” but hammering home you’d not have done it without consulting him & basically you now need to care for what are in fact wounds with foreign bodies in, that aren’t guaranteed to heal quickly/easily/properly/as needed… not suggesting you have a row, but you do need some assurances about boundaries.

The GF does not have parental responsibility and was in position to make that decision or take the repsonsibility for the permanent scarring of a minor.

I would definitely make sure gf knew not to even think of doing anything like this in future without asking you and DD dad first. So irresponsible.

I knew a girl who's dad's partner did stuff like this, as the girl grew older it graduated to buying cigarettes and alcohol for her and phoning the school pretending to be mum saying the girl was unwell whenever she wanted to bunk off.

WTF!

Would seek face to face meeting with your ex, alone, to discuss what happened, your concerns about his GF’s actions and judgment, and what he plans to do to avoid anything like this happening again.

Also agree with PPs about the need for a conversation - or three - with DD. Important to help her understand parent vs GF roles, consent etc.

@thecatmother

To those who are questioning my ex not noticing- I Know!!!! Me too!! The only redemption for him is that DD has always been a fan of stick on earrings and allowed clip ons during the holidays. His GF does like to play mummy and I did have this problem about 2 years ago, when she would totally take over when the DD was with them and my ex had no clue what DD ate or did during their time together. I do appreciate that she means well and that she loves my child, but I need her in her lane, firmly!

Oh wow I assumed this was a new GF to be honest who didn't understand her boundaries - but she's been around for quite a while! Do you have any kind of relationship with her? It might come across more bluntly from you than it would from your ex. I'd have a word directly if you can.

As a stepparent I am amazed she thought that was okay!

It could be assault. GF doesn’t have parental responsibility so cannot give consent.

I'd also request that the GF apologises to your daughter for putting her in such an uncomfortable position

When people use the word 'assault' they mean that a child can't really give meaningful consent by themselves. It needs backing up. Which is what the concept of 'Parental Responsibility' is for. Parents are considered to know what their children really want, since they know them best and parents are the ones who are legally deemed able to decide for children. So it's assault in the sense that what gf did doesn't meat those conditions, not that it's the same as hitting someone.

Jesus christ l would do my nut at this.
How on earth did she think that was OK?
My dd had hers done this summer also aged 9 but it was a long time coming - we talked about it for months and dh and l made her earn it as such (keep bedroom tidy, work well at school etc).
Dh joked on holiday he nearly took her into Claire's to get them done when l was in the toilet but even that l would have freaked out about because l wanted someone l knew to do them and had already booked her in.
Honestly this is not OK but not sure what you can do without upsetting your dd.

If she has a history of overstepping,bid be more inclined to send her a really scary solicitors letter outlining potential consequences of her behaviour - a warning shot, if you like.
I too thought this was a new gf who is a bit thick, not someone playing mummy with your child.

I would hate the piecing but also be concerned that there's an adult in your daughters life who is encouraging grown up behaviour and secrets from her parents. That's not a good thing at all.

Totally agree.

Visit the shop to find out exactly what happened and whether or not they thought your ex's girlfriend was her mother. There's no age requirement in England and Wales but some places set their own age limit.
Leave your DD with someone else and go visit your ex and his gf.
Ask why there is no aftercare leaflet. Bacterial infections can lead to blood poisoning or toxic shock syndrome in severe cases.
Explain that the school might object for safety reasons.
Tell them that in future you expect to be consulted about anything like this.
Explain slowly and in words of one syllable that the gf has crossed a line and that it won't happen again.
I hope your DD's ears heal properly.

@FeatheredHope

I would be raising merry hell with the shop that did it for a start.

Why?

They don't insist on photo ID & birth certificates for proof of parentage. They simply require an adult is present.

This woman has absolutely no right to make any kind of decision in relation to your daughter.
Not even minor things, let alone this!
I would be absolutely livid. She doesn’t get alone time with your daughter anymore as she can’t be trusted.

It has very little to do with love imo. The GF's playing favourites. Trying to be the cool 'mum'.

Like a PP has said, this could escalate in other things as she gets older. I'd be utterly incensed if someone did this to one of my daughters.

She needs to get back in her lane.

She didn’t ask yours or your ex’s permission.

She thought it was a nice thing to do.

Did your DD even want them pierced?

Literally 100% of us saying yanbu!
I took dd out to celebrate afterwards as l think this is such a big deal.
My god l am fuming for you OP.

Op I'd be furious.

But I also want to say you've handled this beautifully with your dd. She's lucky to have you.

PS
I’d try to get in contact with the place it was done at, to let them know they’ve pierced the ears of a child without parental consent. She may have outright lied, or they may have just not even asked, but either way their training should be refreshed.

I second contacting the piercing place, a friend of mine owns a tattoo/piercing studio and requires ID for the parent and the child.

Are you 100% sure your ex didn't know and didn't encourage it? How much time is your DD spending with his new partner alone? Why is he not spending his time with her?

Firstly, men can be particularly in observant, and if the DD has long hair then it wouldn’t be that hard to hide them. After all, OP didn’t realise until the DD was sat on her lap. It wasn’t something she initially noticed either.

WRT why the DD spent time alone with the GF, why not? I’m sure the OP doesn’t spend 24/7 with her DD? This idea that time with the other parent is “contact time” and only he should be spending time with the child is ridiculous. Yes if he’s constantly palming off his DD on to other people then it’s an issue, a shopping trip with a GF who presumably lives there and is part of their lives shouldn’t be perceived as a problem or inappropriate. I’m referring to that in general obviously, without taking the piercing into account.

With regards to the GF having had her ears pierced, I would be fuming, but I would also not dismiss the idea that it was your DD’s wish and that she didn’t ask for it because she knew that you and her dad said no.

Before going in with all guns blazing I would get all the actual facts. I.e. did the girlfriend really suggest it or did she just agree to it? Because while both are inappropriate there is a difference.

Also, did the GF tell the DD to keep it a secret from her parents or did DD decide she could keep it a secret because she knew what her parents’ reaction would be. I personally suspect it was DD who decided to keep it secret because the GF, as a grown woman, would have known that she couldn’t keep it secret for ever, but DD is young enough to not have realised that.

But to suggest that an adult is encouraging a child to keep secrets from her other parent has potentially very sinister connotations, and if it’s not true then it puts a different spin on things.

You need to talk to your DD and be absolutely sure that she didn’t ask and the girlfriend just agreed.

The GF was 100% in the wrong,Even if she did only agree, as were the shop, although I’m not entirely sure how these shops enforce the “only a parent or guardian may sign,” law as it’s impossible to prove that you’re a child’s parent.

But I think you need to be led by what actually happened, rather than by your initial shocked reaction. IYSWIM.

I can't help but think this was a deliberate attempt to upset you or assert dominance of some kind, unless she is completely dim in which case I wouldn't want DD left in her sole care anyway.

99.9% of adults would know that this isn't acceptable without the expressed permission of parents.