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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being upset and angry because my ex's girlfriend pierced my daughter's ears?

380 replies

thecatmother · 17/08/2021 10:11

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced.
I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together.
My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing.
We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced.
In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside.
I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

OP posts:

AnonymousCheerleader · 17/08/2021 11:08

I took my niece (13) to get her seconds done. The piercing place insisted on calling her dad as my ID had a different name to my nieces (and I wasn't pretending to be her mum).

The piercing place doesn't seem to have done any checks.

Abhannmor · 17/08/2021 11:08

His gf has no boundaries then. This is quite a transgression. He needs to mark her card. No tattoos. Etc.

Ducksurprise · 17/08/2021 11:10

@Lanique

Op I'd be furious.

But I also want to say you've handled this beautifully with your dd. She's lucky to have you.

I agree completely, so often on threads like this the child gets forgotten in the fury. Posts such as

I'd also request that the GF apologises to your daughter for putting her in such an uncomfortable position

Fail to see that this puts a child in an equally difficult position.

AlternativePerspective · 17/08/2021 11:13

So your DD likes to wear clip-on earrings and now she has them pierced.

TBH I’m not convinced that she didn’t ask. She’s at an age where a lot of her friends will have had them done.

And suggesting that the DD may have asked for it to be done doesn’t take away from the fact the GF behaved inappropriately, but if she did ask, then she needs to be given a very stern message that asking someone you know will give in because you know your parents won’t is absolutely not on and won’t be tolerated, and I would make her have the earrings taken out and the holes healed.

And then I would deal with the GF separately.

lastcall · 17/08/2021 11:15

the GF was completely out of order and may well have broken the law doing this. I'd point this out calmly.

Get her ears checked and buy her some nice earrings.

check with her school and explain what has happened. A lot of schools don't allow earring to be worn during PE, etc

fruitbrewhaha · 17/08/2021 11:16

Fucking hell! This is outrageous.

It's good your ex is apologetic and not minimising. I also think the GF should not be on her own with your DD.

I would take the earrings out and let them heal up. She can have them done again at an age you and her DF agree to.

CoraPirbright · 17/08/2021 11:18

I would be apoplectic with rage over this. You are handling it brilliantly with your daughter but this GF needs to be told to Back the Fuck Off. She is not in ANY position of proper responsibility for your daughter .....and then there’s the whole secret keeping thing too. Most worrying.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/08/2021 11:19

Oh YAsoNBU!!

I'd be raging.

The fact that they didn't even get parental permission check suggests that the place that did it are shonky anyway, which would have me worried about the state of the piercing - but the GF is WELL out of order here. How fucking dare she!

Next she'll be taking her to have her head shaved, or hair dyed in bright colours or something.

It doesn't MATTER whether or not the 9yo wanted it done (except if she was forced to have it done because yes, that would be assault) - she's NINE. She shouldn't get to make those decisions herself, without parental permission, until she's old enough.

Now I've looked up the laws on the situation and see that Scotland has a different rule from the rest of the UK - you HAVE to have parental permission if you're under 16 - but the rest of the UK doesn't have that law for ears (they do for more intimate piercings though). Many piercing places do impose their own age restrictions though!

I agree that you've handled it well but your ex needs to tell the GF to back the fuck off. Not her role.

SmokeyDevil · 17/08/2021 11:19

She definitely should not have done that. Even if your ex has had words with her, you should too.

I would imagine the shop assumed she was the mother and just handed her the permission form. Their bad for not checking, but then how offended would an actual mother be if they got asked 'is this your kid?'. Only takes one wrong person to ask and the shop will be sued and closed down.

Original poster

thecatmother · 17/08/2021 11:21

Thank you all.so much for the support. You know, of course i don't think that my daughter was dragged kicking and screaming, she certainly agreed to it, and it might have been something that she did ask for (that I need to find out from the GF, when I don't feel like strangling her anymore). My main upset is that the GF obviously felt "comfortable " enough to make that decision. As for my DD wanting to have her ears pierced, it has always been something to do when she goes to "big" school.

OP posts:

GCAcademic · 17/08/2021 11:22

I'm sorry but there is no way that anyone could be so clueless as to think that this was just a "nice thing to do together". This was a power play. Enacted on a child's body. The woman is crazy.

ufucoffee · 17/08/2021 11:25

I'd be furious. I hate pierced ears on children. I'd take the earrings out and let the holes close up. I'd tell my daughter that the place where they were done isn't safe or some ridiculous lie.

IndieTara · 17/08/2021 11:27

It sounds as if your XH needs to rethink his GF's relationship with his daughter

edwinbear · 17/08/2021 11:27

OP aside from dealing with the GF, practically speaking you need to work out what happens when she goes back to school. Usually, when children have their ears pierced they have it done right at the very start of the holiday. DD (also 9) had hers done this summer on the day she broke up, because she has to leave them in 4-6 weeks and school require them to removed for sport. On top of all the other issues, the GF has potentially got the timing all wrong. Do you know what school requirements are for earings?

Kazplus2 · 17/08/2021 11:27

I personally would remove the earrings and advise your daughter that she can have them do e when she is older and when both you and her dad are in agreement. This would be the best way of letting the GF know who is in charge but also lets your daughter know that big decisions need to be approved by a parent and not their partner.

Dacquoise · 17/08/2021 11:27

If it was me I would be removing the earrings and letting the holes heal up. If you get them redone she has basically got away with it.

EpicDay · 17/08/2021 11:28

Oh my god. I am a very very very laid back parent and often wonder at the fuss that people make on here that I don't understand. But I would be RAGING. This is so so unacceptable.

diddl · 17/08/2021 11:29

"my ex had no clue what DD ate or did during their time together."

That's completely on him though-and he still thinks it's OK to leave his GF in sole charge?

MeridasMum · 17/08/2021 11:30

@Kazplus2

Agree with this.

Whilst it's not your DD's job to manage this adult, she should be aware that stunts like this are not ok. If the GF tried anything like this again, Dd can say, no mum and dad need to decide that.

edwinbear · 17/08/2021 11:31

I'm not sure I'd have her remove the earings though, assuming they are checked and healing OK and the intention was that she would have them done a year or so later. I wouldn't inflict the pain of having them redone on my child just to prove a point. There are better ways to achieve that, than OP's DD having to go through the process again.

PRsecrets · 17/08/2021 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trumpisagit · 17/08/2021 11:34

Yes, take them out. They will heal quickly and she can get them pierced properly when you or ex decide you are ready.

LaBellina · 17/08/2021 11:36

YANBU.

I wouldn’t want my DC to spend alone time with this woman anymore. She clearly hasn’t got the slightest clue what appropriate boundaries are.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 17/08/2021 11:37

Precisely. You can use the 'excuse' to your DD that they won't be healed to go back to school if necessary, but taking the earrings out will put the GF firmly back in her box. 9 really is way too young for piercings anyway, in my opinion.

Etinox · 17/08/2021 11:37

@thecatmother

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced. I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together. My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing. We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced. In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside. I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

Good for you for keeping your cool in front of DD! Ask your ex where they were done, hypoallergenic thick posted earrings look like costume jewellery but are ‘correct’ then ask your dd if she wants to keep her ears pierced. If she doesn’t, just remove them and keep the area clean, they’ll heal in no time.

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