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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being upset and angry because my ex's girlfriend pierced my daughter's ears?

380 replies

thecatmother · 17/08/2021 10:11

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced.
I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together.
My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing.
We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced.
In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside.
I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

OP posts:

callmeadoctor · 19/08/2021 07:42

Folks, its sorted...................................................rtt. (Oh and its a ridiculous idea whoever said to remove the earrings, they are not infected so need to be left in)

Dogoodfeelgood · 19/08/2021 08:38

@thecatmother you sound amazing OP! Attitudes like this are how blended families work. You’ve stated your feelings and receive an apology but as far as your DD is concerned she has lovely memories of her holiday and it isn’t a horrible childhood memory of fighting every time she looks at her earrings. You’ve done really well. At the end of the day it was overstepping on the GFs part but you are very right to assume the best, that it came from a place of over enthusiasm rather than malicious intent. Great to see cool heads won the day

pinkyredrose · 19/08/2021 09:10

Zzzzzzxxx

It dosn't sound like she went some where reputable as most won’t pierce under 12’s. I would make sure it wasn’t used with a gun. That’s an absolutely awful thing to do. I am a non violent person but I am not sure I would keep my cool if I was in your situation.

My daughter was 6 when she got her ears done in claires

Hertsgirl10 · 19/08/2021 09:41

First of all how can you believe the dad didn’t know 🙈

And beauty salons are reputable places to have piercings done, it’s about the training. I did a 5 day course in piercings and just because I don’t work in a tattoo shop doesn’t mean I’m not reputable and professional. As long as piercers are properly trained it makes no difference where they work from as long as it is all done by all
Health and safety regulations. I don’t work in a beauty salon but just thought I would mention in case people thought that was bad. Much better than Claire’s and don’t get me started on piercing guns.

Tinpotspectator · 19/08/2021 10:00

I would be absolutely livid, and remove them.

Lulu49 · 19/08/2021 14:05

DD obviously knew it was a bit of a no no otherwise she wouldn’t have been sheepish and trying to hide her ears. There’s already going to be a rift between gf and mum because mum is not happy and rightly so. I would have taken them out and explained that when she was older and could do the after care herself she could have them redone. Let it go and in 2/3 years she will come back with a belly button piercing that mum didn’t ok as well. This could all have been avoided if GF had just called mum and asked permission.

Madamum18 · 19/08/2021 16:24

I dont think you are being unreasonable. But what is done is done! A good idea to get them checked and quality gold earrings put in rather than costume jewellery

It is good that your ex gets it and is apologetic. I think the issue now is to ensure that girlfriend understand the boundaries! He has to tak to her and make those boundaries very clear

purpletrains · 19/08/2021 16:40

Id not like it either but no harm done.

Its just earrings. Its not assault as somebody suggested

Most 9 year olds have had their ears pierced havent they? My ten year old niece has 2 holes

Walkingthroughwords · 19/08/2021 16:53

Absolutely not ok. And not ok he didn't notice. Not ok she was out with her alone and didn't think to check with either of you. I would ask him to ensure she isn't there when your daughter is unless they already live together. Maybe you wanted that mother daughter experience? I'd be questioning her stability for certain. It's awful behaviour. She probably had to sign something and lied about being her mother. Looks like she'd told her to hide them too. I'd request her background details from police etc, honestly.

Chikapu · 19/08/2021 17:14

I'd request her background details from police etc, honestly

Do you know how batshit that sounds?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/08/2021 17:29

@Walkingthroughwords

Insane.

LittleBearPad · 19/08/2021 18:17

@purpletrains

Id not like it either but no harm done.

Its just earrings. Its not assault as somebody suggested

Most 9 year olds have had their ears pierced havent they? My ten year old niece has 2 holes

In my experience most 9 year olds don’t have their ears pierced however this seems to change from area to area.

blubberyboo · 19/08/2021 18:55

I actually would have phoned the police. It is assault on a minor

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/08/2021 19:16

@blubberyboo

I actually would have phoned the police. It is assault on a minor

Do you honestly think the police would do anything about this? Waste of their time.

ddl1 · 19/08/2021 21:15

I actually would have phoned the police. It is assault on a minor

Unless it was forced on the child against her will, which is evidently not the case, it's not assault. Not the right thing to do, but hardly a police matter!

LoveFall · 19/08/2021 21:57

@blubberyboo

I actually would have phoned the police. It is assault on a minor

What exactly would that have accomplished? Nothing, at best. An incredible family upset with the child in the middle, at worst.

Yes, the reason we need police is to intervene in minor family disputes over pierced ears. The mind boggles.

The OP handled the situation very well.

FortniteBoysMum · 19/08/2021 22:54

I think I would be removing the earrings and saying she was allergic to the cheap metal. They closed up before you got to the shop to get some. I would also have a serious conversation with her about it not being her place and that doing so without asking her parents is irresponsible especially when they need to be cleaned daily for 6 weeks. Should you not have seen them they would have became infected and that could lead to sepsis. You could technically of had her done for it as legally parental consent is required which she did not have. The place it was done could also be shut down if they are not seeking consent so my guess is this woman lied saying she's her mother.

Original poster

thecatmother · 20/08/2021 17:02

Just in case anyone would like an update: the GF has been spoken to by my ex and myself. She is sorry and is upset for having caused an upset. She genuinely apologised and has spoken to her mother, who was on my side and also reached out to me to offer her apologies. GF and ex live together, so every time my DD is there she is there, so of course I'm not going to stop her seeing DD. The main change after this is going to be my ex becoming the full hands on parent, all three of us agreed that he needs to prioritise his DD over his working and his gym. He can't continue to pretend that his lifestyle doesn't need changing, and the GF is happy to have some pressure taken off her. Let's hope this will stick.
And thank you all for supporting me not to do silly things that could potentially cause more drama.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/08/2021 17:11

Oh that all sounds very positive, @thecatmother!
I think it's really good that the GF's mum understood your position too.
Well done again!

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 20/08/2021 17:13

OP are you aware this is on the daily Mirror website? I saw it earlier.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 20/08/2021 17:15

@pinkyredrose

Zzzzzzxxx

My daughter was 6 when she got her ears done in claires

Accessorize won't pierce under 8's

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/08/2021 17:22

Well done, OP! You’ve dealt with this in such a mature way. GF understands she overstepped the mark but no real harm has been done as DD’s ears have just been pierced 2 years earlier than you would have preferred.

Original poster

thecatmother · 20/08/2021 17:34

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno

OP are you aware this is on the daily Mirror website? I saw it earlier.

WTF???? Sorry, not directed at you, but how bloody inappropriate.

OP posts:

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 20/08/2021 18:19

@thecatmother sorry to be bearer of bad news and obviously nothing to do with me but I was working earlier and clicked on the internet and it popped up on my browser. I remembered seeing it on here. I hate it when they do that.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 20/08/2021 18:22

@thecatmother it's not just your post. There's a few others on there www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/family/mum-tears-after-finding-out-24795786

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