Being upset and angry because my ex's girlfriend pierced my daughter's ears?

[thecatmother]

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced.
I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together.
My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing.
We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced.
In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside.
I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

I don’t think the problem lies with DD having her ears pierced. The problem lies in the fact the ex’s GF did it without seeking permission from EITHER parent, even if ex knew it should have been a mutual decision between the parents.

As for DD hiding them and acting sheepish there must have been an element of “we should ask mum first”

I’d be fuming OP. I’d be really really mad it wasnt discussed with me. If there are any laws on needing a parents or guardian permission I’d bring it up with the GF, ask if she either lied to the shop or whether you need to take it up with the shop for not discussing permissions first. If she lied about being a parent/guardian that would just make it worse as she’s be blatantly lying to avoid asking you.

I would be furious and would speak to the shop. At 9 a parent should have to give permission.

Well someone is probably lying. I would be finding out where it was done and asking for a copy of the consent form.

I wouldn't 'treat this lightly'. She's not even your DDs step parent and even that wouldn't give her the right to make this decision. Your ex needs to give his GF merry hell. Seriously, who does that? Not her daughter, not her decision. I'd be furious.

I’d be apoplectic with rage 😡

Assuming your dd is under 16 it is the law that a parent (with PR) or LEGAL guardian must give consent to any body piercing - attached screenshot from Claires Accessories which I know we all love to hate, but that's the law.

OP yes your daughter may be very pleased with her new look but her dad's gf could actually be charged with assault of a minor, and the place she had it done equally so.

Nuclear option only from me. I'd have gone nuts if my ex took my dd without my knowledge but this is a whole new level of crazy. I would seriously be considering legal intervention at this stage - at the very least a solicitors letter advising that the only decisions about your dd should be made by her parents ONLY, and any further breach of this would mean contact paused until you could be sure of her welfare whilst in his 'care'.

Yes, this is a hill I'd die on, even if dd was thrilled.

I would hate the piecing but also be concerned that there's an adult in your daughters life who is encouraging grown up behaviour and secrets from her parents. That's not a good thing at all

This, this, this.

Add me to the "having words with the shop" gang.

How did he not notice?! How?

That’s appalling, I’d be raging. I’d also be highly doubtful and unimpressed about her dad not having noticed. As if.

The fact that he didn't know and also that your DD was trying to hide it would really worry me. I would be telling him that the girlfriend is not to have your DD alone. Encouraging her to keep secrets from her parents and making a permanent parental decision like that is totally unacceptable on her part.

I would be looking into why DD was feeling the need to hide them. Obviously getting ears pierced without permission is a big deal but is ex's gf also encouraging keeping secrets from mum?

Did she tell your dd to hide this from her dad too?

This is rather concerning to be honest

pinkyredrose legally children under 16 have to have their legal parent or guardian's permission to get a peircing. I had to sign a legal permission form when my 10 year old got her ears pierced. The dad's girlfriend didn't have the legal right to take op's dd for her ears peircing.

op I'd keep doing what you are with dd, at the end of the day she's excited and it isn't her fault. As long as you help her clean her ears every day the peircing will most likely be fine if it's okay this far.

I'd be going ballistic with the girlfriend. What she's done is illegal and a major breach of trust, its not her place to take someone else's child for their ears pierced. The shop, likely claires or similar, have also broken the law unless your ex is lying and was there to sign the permission form. I'd be finding out where they were done and reporting the shop for not having the legal parent's permission.

@BabyRace

I would be looking into why DD was feeling the need to hide them. Obviously getting ears pierced without permission is a big deal but is ex's gf also encouraging keeping secrets from mum?

This. The GF knew she was doing something wrong to encourage secrecy.

My oh was cross when his ex had their dd ears pierced without talking to him about it, and can imagine you’d be raging and with good reason

I agree the secrets thing is really bad and etc is his gf doing being left in charge of her alone anyway, why is her dad (a) not spending time with her and (b) how the hell did he not clock the ears? Dd was told to hide it from him too?

I’d hope that the ex dumps the gf, it’s a really bad thing she’s done and with the added secrets from BOTH parents, that would worry me

What’s the ex relationship like with this gf? How long have they been together etc? Do they live together?

Dps dd tried to convince me to take her to have her ears pierced after her dm said no. I said no, because 1. I am not her parent, and 2. I think piercing is something that both parents should be on the same page about. It's a big deal. For us, it was a good opportunity to show her that she can't get around one set of adults when the other set has said no.

Your situation sounds like the gf thought it would be a good idea, and your dd went along with it. I think I'd say no more alone time with the gf as this was a massive overstep, I'd definitely email the shop to ask for their complaints process, but for the sake of a good co-parenting relationship, I'd try really hard not to lose my temper. It is a big deal, but sounds like dad was kept out of the loop too. I'd make it clear to him that those sorts of decisions are between you and him, that obviously there are decisions in which his gf input would be welcomed (such as their rules in their house) but big decisions are for parents

Thank you everyone, so I am not being precious and overreacting. The GF is of an age where she can pass for being her mother, and that what pissed me off,as if she was her mother would she still make that decision??? I need to calm down before I talk to her, as my ex has already had words with her(I think). They went away on holiday to Devon, so far I got out of my daughter that it was in a nice place, but not Clairs , so probably some kind of beauty salon and not a professional piercing place.
We are off to the proper place today, hopefully those little earrings haven't gotten attached to her ears, so we can change them without pain.

Are you 100% sure your ex didn't know and didn't encourage it? How much time is your DD spending with his new partner alone? Why is he not spending his time with her?

But surely the GF must have known that pierced ears aren't something that can be hidden - and that they need a heck of a lot of aftercare?

What did she think would happen? And what sort of place did she take her to that would put cosmetic jewellery into her newly pierced ears?? Not even Claire's does that.

Under 16 Thai requires parental consent, so I'd be assuming the gf just said to your DD oh I'll tell them I'm your mum. Not ok on any level. When my DDs wanted their ears piercing under 16 I spoke to my exh about it first to make sure we were both ok with it. Wouldn't have dreamed of doing it without consulting him first - and I'm their mum!

@Kiduknot

That’s actual physical assault.

No it's not.

Let's be careful of what words we're throwing around here.

If the GF pinned OP's DD down and forced a needle through her ears then yes that's assault. It's more likely however that it was suggested to DD and she was happy and excited at the prospect of getting them done.

So it's not assault, and that word shouldn't be used so flippantly.

However, it was not the GF's place to take the little girl to have them done, and I would be having serious words with her.

She massively overstepped the mark, yes. But assault? There is an issue here, but please keep perspective.

To the point who said at 9 she could have said no. Well yes and no. Children can find it very hard to go against something from an adult they like or feel obliged to please. It’s a dangerous slope.

*THAT not Thai. Weird autocorrect

You are not being unreasonable.
My randoms:
She overstepped a boundary - you and child's father agree these decisions.
He failed to notice what had been done.
The shop did an irreversible mini surgical procedure on a child without her parents permission or presence.
Contact shop for explanation - if they assumed she was the mother, they must now review their processes and insist on evidence that the adult is parent in future.
No more unsupervised time between them as her judgment cannot be trusted.

I'd be furious!! And I thought my ex's gf taking mine to get their first bras was bad enough 🤬