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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my husband's children can't stay any night they want?

271 replies

PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 17:53

Recently my DSC have started asking to be a lot more flexible with the contact between our houses. Before we had 60:40 (40 with us) but it's now more like 50:50 but on random days where they will just text or ring and ask to stay that night/day.

My husband always says yes to this however he knows that he is going out to work 5 days a week leaving me at home with DSC with next to no notice. I feel completely unable to plan my week or time as they are not ages that can be left alone in the house either (8 & 10).

He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something but I just feel it's unsustainable to keep doing that, I feel like I'm hanging around if I ever want to go anywhere waiting for things to be arranged.

I've told him this but he says his children should be able to stay any night they want and he's not going to tell them they can't stay in their own home.

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

OP posts:
Original poster
PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 17:55

Oh and it's also impossible to do anything spontaneously. I feel like I have to literally plan everything in advance so I can say I'm out that day doing X. If I ever just get up and think 'ill do X today', it's a huge faff.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 16/08/2021 17:56

Absolutely they can come any time they want. But HE has to assume that HE has to be there every time as you are to be considered unavailable unless previously discussed.
YANBU.

MattyGroves · 16/08/2021 17:57

Are you a SAHM to younger children or on mat leave or something? Why are you available?

Hekatestorch · 16/08/2021 17:57

How old are they?

Wombat64 · 16/08/2021 17:57

He's suggested a fix, let him do that a few times.

PrincessNutella · 16/08/2021 17:57

If he is expecting you to watch young children and rearrange your schedule around them--yes!

Angryfrommanchester1 · 16/08/2021 17:57

You are correct, they should be able to stay when they want but he needs to make the arrangements to look after them.

AndTheReasonIsYou · 16/08/2021 17:58

Oh I was ready to say you’re unreasonable but you’re really not. I sympathise with him but his children should not be impacting on your time like that. Get him told.

MadMadMadamMim · 16/08/2021 17:58

I'd just say to him OK. That's absolutely fine. But be aware that when they ring and ask to stay that night/the next day then you will absolutely be on your own with the child care. You cannot assume you can go to work and I'll drop everything. By all means say yes, but do so knowing that you've just agreed to take the day off work to look after your children.

helpfulperson · 16/08/2021 17:58

You are unreasonable to say they can't stay but not unreasonable to say you won't look after them. They are young enough to need active care. It would be different if the weren't older.

SeeYouInFive · 16/08/2021 17:59

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

YANBU. He’s treating you like the nanny. Fuck that.

What happens if you say you’re going out for the day and have plans? Why is it a faff? It’s shouldn’t be any extra faff for you at all. Surely you just get ready and leave the house. Any faff should fall entirely to him.

NautaOcts · 16/08/2021 17:59

I think you’re going to have to start not being available.

MoiCnoi · 16/08/2021 18:00

He's being very sneaky here.

He says: 'you are telling my children they can't stay in their own home'
He means: 'you are a woman and your purpose is to nurture children, how dare you have other plans'

(Sorry, having a bad day and am not giving your DH the benefit of the doubt but honestly)

WaterBottle123 · 16/08/2021 18:00

Men. Always find a woman to do their childcare.

YANBU

Candyapple49 · 16/08/2021 18:01

They can stay any night , as long as HE is available to look after them unless it has been arranged otherwise with your total agreement .

seensome · 16/08/2021 18:01

I would not like that, it's not up to you to be available randomly for them, they are his children not yours.

UnGoogled · 16/08/2021 18:03

Men frequently assume their 2nd wives will be de facto childcare for any children from their previous relationships. You are more than a free nanny.

Penistoe · 16/08/2021 18:03

Of course he is saying they can come wherever they want when he doesn’t have to look after them. His children.

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 18:04

He can look after them, unless he has asked you specifically before hand.

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 18:04

Or invoice him for the babysitting

SunbathingDragon · 16/08/2021 18:04

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

Unless I’m misreading, that is the arrangement in place - He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something.

Just ring him every single time you want to do something.

MoonlightWanderer · 16/08/2021 18:04

I agree with the others. They can stay when they want, but he needs to sort out childcare for them, not rely on you all the time.

Do you have kids together?

Pebbledashery · 16/08/2021 18:05

They should be able to come anytime they want but he has to be available and not leave childcare down to you solely. That's the unreasonable part.

MotherofTerriers · 16/08/2021 18:06

Absolutely they can stay when they want, but also absolutely he looks after them not you. If he needs/wants you to look after them then he asks in advance and accepts if you say no.
I think you need to be a lot less available until the penny drops. As in, sorry, I'm seeing X friend/going to the gym/going shopping/visiting relatives that day. Don't feel you have to "book time off" with him in advance.

Janaih · 16/08/2021 18:06

They should be able to come and stay whenever they want AND their dad is available to look after them OR their dad has asked OP if it convenient for her to help out. He should not make a habit of this to ensure goodwill.