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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my husband's children can't stay any night they want?

271 replies

PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 17:53

Recently my DSC have started asking to be a lot more flexible with the contact between our houses. Before we had 60:40 (40 with us) but it's now more like 50:50 but on random days where they will just text or ring and ask to stay that night/day.

My husband always says yes to this however he knows that he is going out to work 5 days a week leaving me at home with DSC with next to no notice. I feel completely unable to plan my week or time as they are not ages that can be left alone in the house either (8 & 10).

He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something but I just feel it's unsustainable to keep doing that, I feel like I'm hanging around if I ever want to go anywhere waiting for things to be arranged.

I've told him this but he says his children should be able to stay any night they want and he's not going to tell them they can't stay in their own home.

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/08/2021 18:06

I also agree but Yabu is slightly unclear. Clearly you can’t say they can’t stay any night they wish, it’s their home too, and that’s your title, but you absolutely should say they are his responsibility not yours and you’re not available.

Maves · 16/08/2021 18:07

You shouldn't have hit with someone with kids they will always come first faff?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2021 18:08

You're the nanny/skivvy, and like hell should you tolerate this bullshit. I really hope you don't have children with him.

Original poster
PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 18:11

Sorry if it's unclear. They absolutely can stay whenever. But not when my husband isn't actually available. That's what I meant.

OP posts:
Original poster
PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 18:13

@Maves

You shouldn't have hit with someone with kids they will always come first faff?
Well yes, it is faff having to wait around for arrangements to be made that I'm not part of before I can do anything.
OP posts:
Original poster
PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 18:14

@SunbathingDragon

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

Unless I’m misreading, that is the arrangement in place - He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something.

Just ring him every single time you want to do something.

Yes but it makes everything awkward then. If I want to go somewhere I have to wait for him to arrange things with either his ex, his work, grandparents etc... Half the time the kids don't want to go to this place so I end up guilted into not going anywhere or feel bad about it if I do. It also means me waiting around for sometimes hours until he says 'okay you can drop them off at X place'.
OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2021 18:15

YANBU at all to say he needs to ask you if you are happy to watch them every single time he knows he will be unavailable to do it himself. That is basic level respect.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 16/08/2021 18:17

You should change it to he should assume you are not available and he should make the necessary arrangements each and every time.

Howshouldibehave · 16/08/2021 18:17

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

This. Say that of course, if that’s what he wants, they can stay whenever they want-but, they can arrange it directly with him. You won’t be looking after them though!

He is treating you like his staff.

What are your working hours? I would be planning lots next week and when he says they’re coming Monday/Tuesday/Thursday, take him at his word…He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something.

If you tell him NOW that you have plans nearly all next week, eg work hours, lunch with Clare, swimming, dinner with friends etc, what would he say? Would he tell you to take his kids with you to all of these things?

He can’t be the Disney dad who never says no to his kids when all he’s doing it being the great yes guy whilst you do all the legwork!

This can only stop by you refusing though.

Original poster
PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 18:18

I'm on maternity leave currently due back 3 days a week in Nov.

OP posts:
Original poster
PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 18:18

However it'll be from home so I don't imagine this changing much then either.

OP posts:
Brown76 · 16/08/2021 18:19

No you need to say, either the kids stay on fixed pre arranged days (and you and DH then have to check in with each other of either of you are not available) or if they want to come over any day your DH can say yes if he’s available to look after them, if he’s not available he needs to say that he’ll check with you first to see if you are in.

sst1234 · 16/08/2021 18:20

Poor children. Feel utterly sorry for little ones in this position.

Howshouldibehave · 16/08/2021 18:21

Tell him to assume you are busy unless he specifically asks you to do a stint of childcare, then you’ll check your diary and let him know.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/08/2021 18:21

Go out every night at 5 (you suddenly have new gym classes/films you MUST see/a preferred car park for a snooze)

Just text him every day at 4.55

NEVER be in to do it. The silly fucker will get the message quick.

You are NOT preventing him having them over, you're just never there 🤷‍♀️

What is likely to happen is that he will out himself as he will complain about it

At that point you do your wide eyed innocent stare and say "Wait you think I should be here to look after your children"

honeybuns007 · 16/08/2021 18:22

Why are you putting yourself out in this way. Live your life. If his DSC fit in then great. If you want to go out, then go. Don't let him rely on your kindness

Muchmorethan · 16/08/2021 18:24

I'd go out before he left for work.

Pretty shitty way to treat you... his first wife did the right thing getting rid

LuaDipa · 16/08/2021 18:24

Just tell him that he isn’t to allow them to stay if he isn’t there to take care of them. If you’re feeling generous, allow him one set day a week where you will take them. Refuse all other requests and be tough about it. If they come, make sure you’re out before he is. He is being vu to expect you to take care of his kids on an ad-hoc basis. And make sure he understands that you will be working on your working days and unable to entertain children.

Original poster
PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 18:24

@honeybuns007

Why are you putting yourself out in this way. Live your life. If his DSC fit in then great. If you want to go out, then go. Don't let him rely on your kindness
The problem is half the time I don't even know they are coming. He just gets them after work because they've asked and brings them home with him. Then they stay and he leaves for work in the morning leaving them with me the next day. I obviously can't say they have to go home once they are already here.

He just doesn't get why it's a problem, because he's not telling me I have to stay in with them it's apparently fine.

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 16/08/2021 18:25

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

You should change it to he should assume you are not available and he should make the necessary arrangements each and every time.
This. He is to approach you with regard to your availability for childcare in the same way he would his ex, his work or his parents. No assumptions permitted.
judgejudyrocks · 16/08/2021 18:26

There has to be some give and take though. You knew he had kids when you met him. There will be times when he needs your help, and in a marriage there needs to be flexibility. There have been many times that my DH helped with my children. We come as a package, and life isn't always neat.

Mine are adults now, and DH still does "Dad" things for them, like recently taking my DD out to practice her driving loads before her test. In fact, he actually does more for them than their biological Dad. My DD lives with us, but is making a big move very soon. I couldn't count the number of nights the three of us have sat chatting about this and calming her down if she panics about something. He has been a godsend for her, and I love him for it. We are a family, regardless of the fact that there is a "step" element.

JustLyra · 16/08/2021 18:26

I know it’s a pain in the arse but the next couple of times he brings them home I’d get up in the morning and head out before he goes to work.

He can deal with it and when he moans just say “you didn’t ask me to babysit”

Theunamedcat · 16/08/2021 18:26

Thats the wrong way around he needs to check with you first not you wait around for him to "sort something"

ForeverSausages · 16/08/2021 18:27

He should be saying "oh I'm working, I'll check with my wife". And then if you say, "nah I'm not up to it tonight" then he should say no. It's as simple as that. You shouldn't have to "have plans". YANBU.

MiddlesexGirl · 16/08/2021 18:27

OK. He brings them home with him. But he drops them off with whoever should have them on his way back into work the following day.