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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my husband's children can't stay any night they want?

271 replies

PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 17:53

Recently my DSC have started asking to be a lot more flexible with the contact between our houses. Before we had 60:40 (40 with us) but it's now more like 50:50 but on random days where they will just text or ring and ask to stay that night/day.

My husband always says yes to this however he knows that he is going out to work 5 days a week leaving me at home with DSC with next to no notice. I feel completely unable to plan my week or time as they are not ages that can be left alone in the house either (8 & 10).

He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something but I just feel it's unsustainable to keep doing that, I feel like I'm hanging around if I ever want to go anywhere waiting for things to be arranged.

I've told him this but he says his children should be able to stay any night they want and he's not going to tell them they can't stay in their own home.

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

OP posts:
JustLyra · 16/08/2021 18:27

There’s give and take (and we’re a blended family where I was a SAHP to my DSs as well as mine) but he’s taking the piss and you need to deal with it before your ML ends

Howshouldibehave · 16/08/2021 18:28

The problem is half the time I don't even know they are coming. He just gets them after work because they've asked and brings them home with him. Then they stay and he leaves for work in the morning leaving them with me the next day.

You need to get cross now though.

Tell him you don’t want to be his default childcare with no advance warning and it’s unreasonable.

Say that if he brings the children home with him at 5pm again, you will be leaving the house with the baby straight away and going to your mums/friends/a hotel. He can then feed them, bath them, put them to bed and look after them the next day.

This isn’t fair and you don’t want to get in the situation where he says, ‘well, you’ve always just don’t it before’ and it became the default.

Put your foot down. Get cross. This isn’t fair. Don’t put up with it.

judgejudyrocks · 16/08/2021 18:29

Then they stay and he leaves for work in the morning leaving them with me the next day

Although, I do agree that this is too much. I was meaning more like, "Hey DH can you pick DD up from the station", which isn't the same as assuming you can provide childcare all day! Do you not work? Is your DH supporting you financially?

FOJN · 16/08/2021 18:30

I've told him this but he says his children should be able to stay any night they want and he's not going to tell them they can't stay in their own home.

As a purely practical matter he would have to if you weren't there and he was going to be at work. He knows he's making it awkward for you and is relying on that to get his own way.

I'd flip it and rather than you having to tell him when you have plans he has to contact you to check if you're available and happy for his children to come over.

Kite22 · 16/08/2021 18:30

To start with, I assumed they were older and thought it was not unreasonable that they can stay with either parent, but that isn't really the issue. The issue here is that your dh is presuming you can look after them, without notice, and just 'be available' whenever they fancy it.
Even zero hours paid contracts don't work like that.
All my dc have worked in different places on zero hours contracts and they all have the right to say "No, sorry, that doesn't work for me" - or just not reply when a call goes out for 'staff'.
If he agrees to them staying over on a day you aren't expecting them, then he needs to be available to get up with them and return them to their Mum, or look after them whilst they are there.

TheSoapyFrog · 16/08/2021 18:31

I was also prepared to say YABU as I'm sure if they were your own kids you wouldn't tell them they couldn't just turn up when they wanted. But as your 'DH' is assuming you'll do all the childcare while he's at work, then YANBU. I think you need to be much firmer about this you are.

Greytminds · 16/08/2021 18:32

For me it’s not really about it being step children although it does mean your DH has a greater responsibility. Even if they were my own kids, having no predictability about the days I was expected to look after them would be something I couldn’t tolerate.

I’d be keen to reset the boundaries here and manage the days in a different way.

PercyPiginaWig · 16/08/2021 18:33

Well he will have to get them up in the morning and get them dropped home or wherever they are supposed to be on that day.

He's being a cheeky entitled fucker and not treating you with respect.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 16/08/2021 18:34

I feel so sad when I read threads like these, another poor woman treated like an unpaid nanny by a flaky and useless exH and everyone thinks it's great because 'you knew what you were getting into' 🙄 kids thrive from routine, this arbitrary coming and going has to stop. It's not fair on you or your LO either.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 16/08/2021 18:34

That’s fine, OP, he can go to work and leave his kids at your house. But when you want to go out at 10.00am you call him at 9.30 and tell him he needs to be at home to look after his children from 10.00. You ARE leaving then so he needs to be back otherwise the kids will be on their own. You are not their unpaid nanny and he needs to get real.

He is a typical selfish Disney dad. He needs a reality check. Yes the kids are welcome but it is a blended family and the children’s wants to do not trump your wants or needs. His kids so he puts himself out and stops taking you for granted.

MoonlightWanderer · 16/08/2021 18:35

@sst1234

Poor children. Feel utterly sorry for little ones in this position.
I don't really see it that way. A lot of kids have to work around their parents schedules. Most kids can't just come and go as they please.

I think it's reasonable for the OP and her husband to have set visitation days and if they want to come over on other days, they need to ask the OP first. That seems reasonable to me.

CharityDingle · 16/08/2021 18:36

@PorkAndPickleJellyTot

However it'll be from home so I don't imagine this changing much then either.
But you cannot mind children while wfh. Make that very clear.
StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 18:37

@sst1234

Poor children. Feel utterly sorry for little ones in this position.
Yes I feel sorry for them too their own dad just dumps them on their stepmum
NumberTheory · 16/08/2021 18:37

YANBU. Do you know what's driving the desire for flexibility and the asks on each day? Is it that the kids are waking up and spontaneously thinking "I want to go to dad's today!" Or does their mum ask them "I have to do x today, do you want to go to Dad's or grandparents?"

I think it's reasonable to say to your DH that you aren't available to provide childcare for his kids on a whim, whatever you are doing on that day. You don't have to be "doing something you can't do with them". Or you could say that you're prepared to cover fixed days (if you are), but not spontaneous days, or you're prepared to be available on a whim Sun - Tues, but you are not ever available Wed - Fri and you're only available every other Saturday. Or whatever works for you if he isn't prepared to discuss something mutually acceptable. So if he says yes to his kids on a day you aren't prepared to cover he's going to have to find alternative arrangements immediately, not "if you've decided to do something you can't take them on, just anyway."

Have you actually asked your DH what he's intending doing when you're back working again? I think you have to put your foot down now about any idea you can look after his kids while you work from home. You're also setting yourself up to be the go to parent for sick days, teacher training days, etc.

PercyPiginaWig · 16/08/2021 18:38

Also, every single time he brings them to your house in the evening you need to tell him you're busy the next day at 9am or whatever so he can sort the arrangements that night.

Regarding your return to work, you will surely be finding childcare for the baby so you won't be taking on someone else's childcare.

Are you the poster who had the whole school run cheeky fuckery where the children's parents both had an expectation of you? Apologies if not.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 16/08/2021 18:38

@sst1234

Poor children. Feel utterly sorry for little ones in this position.
HmmHmm

You feel sorry for children because their stepmum who has a small baby wants some semblance of routine?

Christ you should try working in safeguarding if that's what upsets you

Closetbeanmuncher · 16/08/2021 18:39

OP how many times are you going to post to realise this selfish twat is using you as a personal nanny and to the detriment of your health to boot!!?

Did you roll over and allow the SC and their friends to stay the other week (that was arranged behind your back and sprung on you at the last minute).He wasn't at home on the night he arranged that for either was he??

RoseAndGeranium · 16/08/2021 18:39

I’d suggest meeting them half way, so long as you get on with them. So, once a week if they stay over and you have no plans the following day you could look after them. The rest of the time your husband needs to use the evening of their arrival to organise childcare for the following day. You get to pick which day(s) you’re prepared to set aside for them, but otherwise he drops them off somewhere else on his way to work or has someone pick them up by 10am.

Coffeepot72 · 16/08/2021 18:40

My DH initially believed that it made no difference to me, whether his son was in the house or not … It took a long time to get through to him

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 18:40

Also feel sorry for OP.

Could you invoice him for childcare or scare him by texting and saying you've gone out?

trevorandsimon · 16/08/2021 18:40

Why are you ringing him to look after them. He should be there when they arrive until you leave. No ringing required

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 18:41

@JustLyra

I know it’s a pain in the arse but the next couple of times he brings them home I’d get up in the morning and head out before he goes to work.

He can deal with it and when he moans just say “you didn’t ask me to babysit”

That's a good idea. It might mean early starts. Perhaps a day trip somewhere?
Coffeepot72 · 16/08/2021 18:42

And every household needs some semblance of routine, in no other circumstances (other than step children) would it be considered acceptable to have no idea how many people are overnighting/needing meals from one day to the next

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 16/08/2021 18:43

I obviously can't say they have to go home once they are already here.

You can and must do if you want to put a stop to this cheeky fucker, piss taking behaviour. Put them in the car and drop them off at his place of work. Every single time until he learns not to take you for granted. He can only do this if you let him!

SealHouse · 16/08/2021 18:43

This is your maternity leave, precious time with your own new baby. How selfish of him. His ex doesn't get a free pass here either - she's aware you are on maternity - my guess if you're being used as a free summer hols child minding service. I'd put my foot down.

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