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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my husband's children can't stay any night they want?

271 replies

PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 17:53

Recently my DSC have started asking to be a lot more flexible with the contact between our houses. Before we had 60:40 (40 with us) but it's now more like 50:50 but on random days where they will just text or ring and ask to stay that night/day.

My husband always says yes to this however he knows that he is going out to work 5 days a week leaving me at home with DSC with next to no notice. I feel completely unable to plan my week or time as they are not ages that can be left alone in the house either (8 & 10).

He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something but I just feel it's unsustainable to keep doing that, I feel like I'm hanging around if I ever want to go anywhere waiting for things to be arranged.

I've told him this but he says his children should be able to stay any night they want and he's not going to tell them they can't stay in their own home.

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

OP posts:
Babyghirl · 16/08/2021 19:19

@Butterflyaway
It's the last minute thing where he walks in with them and if she has plans has to cancel, oh and using her as free childcare he wants his kids over to stay he should take the time of work to cater for them. Just because she on m/l does nt make her available when it suits him without asking if she doing anything the next day 🤔🤔🤔🤔

QueenPeary · 16/08/2021 19:20

I’ve seen this a lot. Man with kids gets new partner, and somehow thinks he’s got himself a new 24/7 childcare unit for his kids with another woman. After all woman = service human who can just have any number of children dumped on her any old time, well it’s his right to not have to look after his own kids and she can’t have anything better to do right? Angry

How would he feel if he got together with you OP and wanted to WFH and so you decided he could also look after your kids from a previous relationship, with no notice, any time you decided? While you went out to work/whatever? Because they had a right to be In their home? Hmmmmm he’d be fine with that right? Entitled arse.

Stop doing it, don’t be available and take him up on it when he says he’ll arrange something - every time. You shouldn’t have to, but it will get it through to him eventually.

And yes of course it’s reasonable to have a bit of give and take, to look after them sometimes, by arrangement, or in an emergency and son on. But that’s not the same as ALL your time being taken for granted.

LolaSmiles · 16/08/2021 19:22

If it's a prearranged day, then great it's a daddy day.

If it's add hoc then great, they come home with him, have a lovely night, get up the next morning and he drops them back home
This.
It's entirely reasonable for step parents to be involved, and though it gets me flamed on here I do think that anyone getting into a relationship with a parent needs to accept they're choosing to blend families. For example if step parent is at home on the day the child would usually be a that house then it would be reasonable to help out in certain situations (eg. School call, DSC/DC is unwell, the adult at home is probably a sensible option rather than having an adult at home and then calling someone else out of work, step parent is off work with their kids and there's a day DSC needs watching so the adults decide it makes more sense for one adult to watch the household's children than to scramble to pay money for one to be elsewhere).

It's totally unreasonable to expect a step parent to be flexible childcare and fit the role of unpaid nanny because dad doesn't want to step up.

CustardySergeant · 16/08/2021 19:23

@Hekatestorch

How old are they?
8 and 10. It's in the OP.
ChavDiningHalls · 16/08/2021 19:24

this coming and going has to stop

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop has hit the nail on the head here. I was wavering, thinking that blended families have to make allowances, etc, etc - but, no, they all need routine. The blended families I know which have been very, very successful have all had a very firm routine (which doesn't mean it is set in stone and has no flexibility). Children of 8 and 10 need it. As the OP has a baby, that's another child who needs a routine.

As the DSC become older, they may be able to come and go much more as they choose, as they won't need "looking after" in the same hands-on way that primary aged children do. But they're too young for this at the moment, and I think they're having too much say. Yes, divorce is pretty shit for children (speaking from experience) - but it still isn't good for them to be able to rule the roost. And their father shouldn't be enabling it. It's his job to keep sensible boundaries.

Tistheseason17 · 16/08/2021 19:25

Unpaid nanny.
If you say nothing, it won't change.

a1poshpaws · 16/08/2021 19:26

@Howshouldibehave

Tell him to assume you are busy unless he specifically asks you to do a stint of childcare, then you’ll check your diary and let him know.
^ This. He had no business marrying you if he wasn't prepared to treat you as anything but his children's nanny.
Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 16/08/2021 19:27

Why are they coming more? To appease his ex? Over your feelings? Think not...
Yes he can collect them after work. Then he should be taking them back before work the next morning surely?

loulous1985 · 16/08/2021 19:28

He's a CF. He can look after his own kids if he wants them to come over more often. 🙄

DowntonCrabby · 16/08/2021 19:30

Them staying sounds fine, even last minute but H needs to accommodate their stay every time. So not you having to tell him you have plans, but him making the arrangements regardless.

Howshouldibehave · 16/08/2021 19:30

@Closetbeanmuncher

OP how many times are you going to post to realise this selfish twat is using you as a personal nanny and to the detriment of your health to boot!!?

Did you roll over and allow the SC and their friends to stay the other week (that was arranged behind your back and sprung on you at the last minute).He wasn't at home on the night he arranged that for either was he??

Omg-was that you as well, @PorkAndPickleJellyTot?!!

This is madness!

RantyAunty · 16/08/2021 19:30

Are you the poster whose DH wanted you to have the sleepover for the DSC and 2 of their friends while he swanned off to work?

SemperIdem · 16/08/2021 19:31

If the children were teenagers, capable of fending for themselves, I’d think you were being unreasonable.

But actually, you’re not being unreasonable at all. He thinks enough of you to want you to be a part of his family but not enough to have a discussion about plans for the week/month including your own? He’s treating you like a nanny, not a partner.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 16/08/2021 19:32

@RantyAunty

Are you the poster whose DH wanted you to have the sleepover for the DSC and 2 of their friends while he swanned off to work?
OMG that thread was bonkers! Wouldn't surprise me if the OP was the same, if so her husband is a total cunt
SpindleWhorl · 16/08/2021 19:33

@RantyAunty

Are you the poster whose DH wanted you to have the sleepover for the DSC and 2 of their friends while he swanned off to work?
That's what I was thinking, but I can't find the thread, and I was on it!
Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 16/08/2021 19:33

Op managed to swap those plans..
Imo the dc need to come and go with dh as the care giver as if op wasn't around. One day she will see the light and won't be..
My dc used to come and go as was convenient for me doing pick ups/drop offs as we lived a distance. But my dh was never used as free child care /driver... Once here they were self sufficient if I was at work. And it was always agreed they would be coming.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 16/08/2021 19:34

Anyone have a link or description for that post? No idea how to find it.

SpindleWhorl · 16/08/2021 19:35

The scenarios and ages are memorably similar.

loulous1985 · 16/08/2021 19:37

The problem is half the time I don't even know they are coming. He just gets them after work because they've asked and brings them home with him. Then they stay and he leaves for work in the morning leaving them with me the next day. I obviously can't say they have to go home once they are already here.

Fuck that right off. Leave before he does in the morning. I'm so annoyed on your behalf!

Youseethethingis · 16/08/2021 19:38

There has to be some give and take though
He needs to give OP some respect and stop taking her time without permission.
You knew he had kids when you met him
Correct. HE had kids.
There will be times when he needs your help, and in a marriage there needs to be flexibility
This isn't helping anyone, this is allowing children to call the shots and pushing the consequences on to someone who had no part in making either the children or the decision to put them in charge.

Duchess379 · 16/08/2021 19:38

Just go about your own business & make plans as you want. If the kids ring & want to stay, inform DH that you won't be available, so he can sort alternative care. You're almost being a martyr & not planning anything 'in case they come'. If your mates ring & say 'come out for drinks', go! Don't hang about, resentful that you're stuck with the kids..

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 16/08/2021 19:38

Yet another feckless male allocating the care of DC from his first relationship onto his current female partner. That's the reason most of these bastards get into another relationship, just so they have free childcare (and free sex) on tap. It's all so depressingly familiar. You will have to take a firm hand Op or your maternity leave with your new DC will be ruined and it's time you will never get back.

loulous1985 · 16/08/2021 19:39

You knew he had kids when you met him

Oh this old chestnut. She knew he had kids yes but she didn't know she'd be expected to provide free childcare at the drop of a hat with no prior discussion! Ffs.

Howshouldibehave · 16/08/2021 19:39

If DH hasn’t married you, who would look after the children if they suddenly decided they had to stay that night?