Page 11 | To say my husband's children can't stay any night they want?

PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 2021-08-16T16:53:14+00:00

Recently my DSC have started asking to be a lot more flexible with the contact between our houses. Before we had 60:40 (40 with us) but it's now more like 50:50 but on random days where they will just text or ring and ask to stay that night/day. My husband always says yes to this however he knows that he is going out to work 5 days a week leaving me at home with DSC with next to no notice. I feel completely unable to plan my week or time as they are not ages that can be left alone in the house either (8 & 10). He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something but I just feel it's unsustainable to keep doing that, I feel like I'm hanging around if I ever want to go anywhere waiting for things to be arranged. I've told him this but he says his children should be able to stay any night they want and he's not going to tell them they can't stay in their own home. AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

loulous1985 · 17/08/2021 14:55

@sassbott

but they’re your children now too

😂😂😂😂

Do you even begin to realise the amount of mothers who would lose their mind if this is how SM’s viewed themselves? I think my partners exwife would spontaneously combust if I ever used language even close to that effect.

My partners children are NOT my children. Anymore than mine are his. Unless one of us adopted/ took on PR, we have no legal (or moral) stance that recognises anyone else’s children as ‘ours.’

We are partners / spouses to someone who has children with someone else. Our primary relationship is to that adult. No more, no less.

This!

Your last paragraph is spot on.

LadyDanburysHat · 17/08/2021 15:12

@JustLyra

I know it’s a pain in the arse but the next couple of times he brings them home I’d get up in the morning and head out before he goes to work.

He can deal with it and when he moans just say “you didn’t ask me to babysit”

Yes to this. He is really taking the piss.

Dixiechickonhols · 17/08/2021 15:12

You need to speak to him. He must ask you specifically to mind them each time or you don’t. Spell it out. Unless you specifically ask and I say ok - you are parent in charge.
I’d make sure he can’t leave you with them. I know it’s a pain but get up before him and go out. Go and sit in cafe and have breakfast. A few days of this and penny will drop.

namechange30455 · 17/08/2021 15:12

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

But they're your children now too. That's what happens when you choose to have a relationship, and then MARRY, a man with children - they become your responsibility!

Unless he kept them hidden from you until after the wedding...

I feel so sorry for his kids

Does your DH's ex know you refer to her children as your children?

I am very involved in day to day care and raising DSD. I would not fucking dream of referring to her as "my child", because she's not. That has no bearing on how I treat her, but ultimately the responsibility for her lies with DP and the childcare I do is me doing DP a favour. I am happy to offer sometimes to help DSD's parents out, but he would not dream of assuming I could look after DSD without checking with me first. Surely that's just common sense?

Eviebeans · 17/08/2021 15:16

I think you have to explain to dh that he can assume that you are not available to look after dsc on any day.
I think I remember your previous post about sleepover etc.
For those people thinking poor dsc not to be wanted, that is on their dad not the OP. In fact she seems to be the only one sounding like she's done the right thing in all of this and been massively taken advantage of for her efforts.

user1496146479 · 17/08/2021 15:19

@ButterflyAway

So he’s not actually expecting you to care for them in the evenings, he’s picking them up after he finishes work and caring for them. What’s your issue here then, that they’re over too much? That he goes to work in the morning and they (I assume) go to school?

Did you read the OP's updates? Even a little bit?

LaurieFairyCake · 17/08/2021 16:04

A wicked stepmother is one who is mean to the kids or is neglectful or abusive

Not just one who doesnt want to parent them as much as their actual FUCKING parents

Kite22 · 17/08/2021 16:58

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

The OP and her dh did have an arrangement / agreement. There are already set days / nights / weekends when the children are with them and part of their family.
The issue here is, the Dad is allowing small dc to dictate to him when they fancy changing the arrangements.

As I said earlier, and several people agreed with , then aSofaNearYou has reiterated and Whatafustercluck has given you another example of - this is the same if the dc are step children or not, adults have to agree between them who is able to be looking after them at any given time. dc who are young enough to need to be 'looked after' (so potentially a different discussion with older teens) can't always decide whose house they would like to be at, on a whim. The Dad needs to help them understand that, not just be seen as the benevolent one when it isn't really impacting on him.

Feedingthebirds1 · 17/08/2021 17:13

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

Surely that's a conversation to have BEFORE you get married though, does no one sit down and discuss these things with their other half before they make a life long commitment?

One of the first things DH and I discussed when we started dating, was if he wanted more kids (would have been a deal breaker) and how we would parent his DD and what my role would be

You can't start seeing someone, presumably be with them for a while, marry them, have a baby with them and NOT KNOW how you are going to parent his existing children

I mean seriously

But up to this point, the DCs had a fixed arrangement of where they were then. They've just decided that it doesn't suit them and the DH has unilaterally agreed to it being whenever they want. With the outright assumption that the OP will be the childcare. So it has been discussed, now the DH has moved the goalposts into the next county.

dina10 · 17/08/2021 17:31

Every time they stay over, leave the house the next day before he leaves for work.
You don't need to give him any notice.

Mumontour85 · 17/08/2021 18:59

I hate these questions that involve stepkids because there is never a clean answer.
I feel very strongly that when you got with a man that already has children, you took on a package deal and have to take on some responsibility. However, it is not fair for your partner to put this on you.

I am guessing it is a school holiday thing, them coming to stay whenever they like? It is not usual behaviour during school term? I think I would suck it up for the next couple of weeks, but be having a really firm conversation with my partner about general expectations and those in regard to childcare.

aSofaNearYou · 17/08/2021 19:05

I feel very strongly that when you got with a man that already has children, you took on a package deal and have to take on some responsibility.

Because single parents aren't capable of doing their job themselves?

Phineyj · 17/08/2021 19:06

I think someone somewhere in this scenario is saving on paid for childcare. And it's not the OP!

OP, you need to think ahead about October half term when you have three days work to do. These DC need to be booked into holiday club then, or one of their parents needs to take holiday.

MzHz · 17/08/2021 19:31

My oh has kids, those dc have mothers and one set has a step dad.

I’m not about to be any thing to those kids apart from their dads girlfriend

Granted his kids are older, but there’s no way the op in this situation is being unreasonable

This is exploitative as she’s being used as childcare and the kids aren’t even with their parent!

Oldbutstillgotit · 17/08/2021 19:55

SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

But they're your children now too. That's what happens when you choose to have a relationship, and then MARRY, a man with children - they become your responsibility!

Unless he kept them hidden from you until after the wedding...

I feel so sorry for his kids

My ex has married and divorced 4/5 times since we were together and I can assure you that if any of those women had suggested they were now her children too , she would have been quickly told to butt out ( not that any of them were interested )

loulous1985 · 17/08/2021 21:15

I feel very strongly that when you got with a man that already has children, you took on a package deal and have to take on some responsibility.

I feel strongly that you don't.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/08/2021 21:37

If it is 50/50 ish now then it’s rework only 2 days that they may stay over extra

But yes if they want to stay over and see daddy then not a problem , but he takes them back for mum on way to his work

What will happen when uou are back at work

Who will have your baby ?

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 17/08/2021 23:24

Men have it made really don't they.
Just dump your previous kids on your new knocked up partner and she can do childcare, for free, cos she's just sitting around the house anyway.

Oh just ring me and I'll sort childcare out. ..

It's the equivalent of 'just tell me what needs doing in the house and I'll do it'.

As others have said, he takes them extra, he does the childcare. What's the mother doing in this situation? Relishing in free daycare?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 18/08/2021 08:24

When you marry someone who has children you do become part of a family and families do have responsibilities towards each other. Actual needs of children do have to come ahead of what individuals in the family might want. Same as in any other family. But needs aren't the same as wants! I see a step parent role (where the DC have two fully involved parents) as being a support to their spouse, like they would in any other marital situation where one partner needs a bit of help. Because the two people are in a marriage/committed relationship and want to make life easier for the other. They have a responsibility to make step children feel welcome and comfortable - basic kindness, I suppose. That is absolutely not the same as being default childcare or being expected to suspend their own lives to prioritise looking after the children at all times especially when their own parent isn't. No step parent should be expected to have the piss taken by their spouse or be totally taken for granted in their marriage.

Where DC reside full time with a parent and step parent I suppose it gets a bit more blurred and if there is no other parent then a step mum or dad might naturally take on more of a parental role.

LadyDanburysHat · 18/08/2021 08:51

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

When you marry someone who has children you do become part of a family and families do have responsibilities towards each other. Actual needs of children do have to come ahead of what individuals in the family might want. Same as in any other family. But needs aren't the same as wants! I see a step parent role (where the DC have two fully involved parents) as being a support to their spouse, like they would in any other marital situation where one partner needs a bit of help. Because the two people are in a marriage/committed relationship and want to make life easier for the other. They have a responsibility to make step children feel welcome and comfortable - basic kindness, I suppose. That is absolutely not the same as being default childcare or being expected to suspend their own lives to prioritise looking after the children at all times especially when their own parent isn't. No step parent should be expected to have the piss taken by their spouse or be totally taken for granted in their marriage.

Where DC reside full time with a parent and step parent I suppose it gets a bit more blurred and if there is no other parent then a step mum or dad might naturally take on more of a parental role.

This sums it up perfectly for me. Brilliantly worded MrsHunt. Needs and wants are two different things. If the DH does not want to say no to his DC, then he needs to be available for them. Why on earth should the OP be his unpaid childcare and not be able to make any plans for her own life.

billy1966 · 18/08/2021 09:20

I hope the OP is having a look at @JudgeJerry's thread.

She is a couple more year down the line and getting out after deciding SHE has had enough of being used.

A salutary tale.