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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my husband's children can't stay any night they want?

271 replies

PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 17:53

Recently my DSC have started asking to be a lot more flexible with the contact between our houses. Before we had 60:40 (40 with us) but it's now more like 50:50 but on random days where they will just text or ring and ask to stay that night/day.

My husband always says yes to this however he knows that he is going out to work 5 days a week leaving me at home with DSC with next to no notice. I feel completely unable to plan my week or time as they are not ages that can be left alone in the house either (8 & 10).

He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something but I just feel it's unsustainable to keep doing that, I feel like I'm hanging around if I ever want to go anywhere waiting for things to be arranged.

I've told him this but he says his children should be able to stay any night they want and he's not going to tell them they can't stay in their own home.

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 16/08/2021 18:59

The point of them being there is contact time with their father.

You need to be unavailable.

Of course they can come over whenever they want. You don’t have to facilitate it though!

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 19:00

He's setting a really poor example for his children.

Babyghirl · 16/08/2021 19:00

@Frangipanidelasqueegeemop
It's the last minute thing where he walks in with them and if she has plans has to cancel, oh and using her as free childcare he wants his kids over to stay he should take the time of work to cater for them. Just because she on m/l does nt make her available when it suits him without asking if she doing anything the next day 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

forrestgreen · 16/08/2021 19:01

If it's a prearranged day, then great it's a daddy day.

If it's add hoc then great, they come home with him, have a lovely night, get up the next morning and he drops them back home.

I'd have things solidly booked for the foreseeable

Millionnewnames · 16/08/2021 19:02

I’ve had a similar situation with step children. I became the default babysitter for mum too when she wanted to work cash in hand odd evenings. I wanted to help because I’m nice but then it overtook my life and Majorly pissed my own child off. Ended the relationship eventually .It’s a piss take. Book some classes, a course of some sort . Make your availability clear . Then he sorts childcare around that.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 16/08/2021 19:05

@Babyghirl I think you tagged the wrong person as I'm very much on the side of the OP and don't think she should put up with this

SpindleWhorl · 16/08/2021 19:05

I've seen a similar thread recently, OP. If it wasn't you, it's worth reading for advice. Similar (identical, really) situation.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 16/08/2021 19:06

Op are you the hired help? They can come any day they like when he is there. Say no everytime OP unless you really want to babysit, obviously. Or it will be expected of you. You are not his free babysitter. You can wake up and do as you like everyday it's him that needs to sort his life out. It is not your responsibility. The fun about being step mum / dads gf, is that you can pick the fun bits when you feel like it. You are not those childrens parent.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2021 19:07

He’s taking the piss.

NewlyGranny · 16/08/2021 19:09

Simple solution: tell DH that the children arrive and leave with him!

MoonlightWanderer · 16/08/2021 19:09

I think key to this is the OP realising that she doesn't have to convince her DH. It's her time and he doesn't get to decide what she does with it. She needs to set out her boundaries and not get into discussions about whether or not they are reasonable

I guess more what I mean is it's fine to have a bit of a moan on MN, but nothing will actually change unless she stands up to him. I don't know if the OP has posted about him before or not, but you see so many threads like this where the OP is told she isn't being unreasonable but nothing changes.

HeckyPeck · 16/08/2021 19:10

@forrestgreen

If it's a prearranged day, then great it's a daddy day.

If it's add hoc then great, they come home with him, have a lovely night, get up the next morning and he drops them back home.

I'd have things solidly booked for the foreseeable

Same here.

I'd tell him of course the kids are welcome and to let him know a group/class etc is starting every morning at 9am so he'll have to arrange to drop them back on the days they come over.

gurglebelly · 16/08/2021 19:10

He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something

Well then you need to make it clear that he needs to assume you are not available and arrange something every single time they are with you outside a scheduled contact day. If he doesn't you call him. Make it his problem to sort out

DeflatedGinDrinker · 16/08/2021 19:10

Op get up before he leaves for work and go to your parents/friend/park/anywhere. Walk out the door the same time as him. He can't expect to leave his children with you when he goes to work.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/08/2021 19:11

I agree the should be able to stay any night. However, this does no mean extra work or mental load for you but for him.

RedHelenB · 16/08/2021 19:12

YABU, as he's right it is their home. He says he'll sort it if you aren't at home so take him at his word. They are old enough to be left for short periods as well, as long as they're happy with that.

Dontbeme · 16/08/2021 19:13

The problem is half the time I don't even know they are coming. He just gets them after work because they've asked and brings them home with him. Then they stay and he leaves for work in the morning leaving them with me the next day

@PorkAndPickleJellyTot so what you do is have him cook dinner, eat it together and then pack a bag for you and your DC and head home to your parents or a friend for the night. If he comments, say "oh I thought we weren't into planning a routine around the kids? I'm off out for the night, will be back some time tomorrow" and keep doing that until he gets it into his head you are not an employee to be ordered about. Is this the Disney dad that organised a sleepover for his two DC and their two friends when you were just crying to him with exhaustion and he wasn't even going to be there?

NumberTheory · 16/08/2021 19:13

@Sexnotgender

The point of them being there is contact time with their father.

You need to be unavailable.

Of course they can come over whenever they want. You don’t have to facilitate it though!

It's not just about contact time with their father. This isn't an EOW situation. OP says time is split roughly 50:50 with the mum.

Just as their mum doesn't have to be with them personally for the 50% of the time they aren't in their father's care, their father doesn't have to spend the 50% of the time they are in his care directly with them. What he does have to do is ensure they are cared for and that should not mean assuming his new wife is available on a whim to be their unpaid nanny. It's this assumption about the OP's time that is the problem here, not that their dad isn't spending the time directly with them.

Alternista · 16/08/2021 19:14

Yeah, you need to be up and out with baby before he leaves for work the next few times he tries that!

Georgyporky · 16/08/2021 19:15

Is their DM using you as a free babysitter when she wants to go out?

Onlinedilema · 16/08/2021 19:16

I agree with the majority of posters you need to make yourself less available.

Your dh is taking you for granted.
It seems it won't be easy to have a straight conversation so the best way is to go out.
"By the way in seeing Sue tomorrow, not sure what time she's coming for me. " light and breezy leave it at that.
If he mentions the kids just brush it aside and carry on as you were.
It shouldn't be like this at all.
Even if you just go for a walk and sit in a cafe, go out. "I'm going out Friday, not sure what time but I won't be in." End of. Offer little expkanatuin, you do not owe your unthoughtful dh an explanation.
I would be fuming op.

DancesWithTortoises · 16/08/2021 19:18

This is awful.

OP, get up and get yourself and the baby dressed and go out every single time they are there. Until he learns some manners.

He's a selfish prick, OP. Don't make it easy for him.

SpellItOutForMe · 16/08/2021 19:18

Your cf DP has this backwards. You are not the default child care unless you want to do something to which you can't take his children.

He is the default carer unless he makes other arrangements, possibly including asking you nicely on occasion if you would mind looking after the children of you don't have other plans.

I've no doubt he'll be full of sulks and attempts to guilt you about 'family' and the children coming first and it being their home and so on if the worm (you) turns but it's overdue.

Babyghirl · 16/08/2021 19:18

@Frangipanidelasqueegeemop
Sorry was the wrong tag was for the one you responded to 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 16/08/2021 19:19

@Babyghirl I forgive ya Wink