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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my husband's children can't stay any night they want?

271 replies

PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 17:53

Recently my DSC have started asking to be a lot more flexible with the contact between our houses. Before we had 60:40 (40 with us) but it's now more like 50:50 but on random days where they will just text or ring and ask to stay that night/day.

My husband always says yes to this however he knows that he is going out to work 5 days a week leaving me at home with DSC with next to no notice. I feel completely unable to plan my week or time as they are not ages that can be left alone in the house either (8 & 10).

He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something but I just feel it's unsustainable to keep doing that, I feel like I'm hanging around if I ever want to go anywhere waiting for things to be arranged.

I've told him this but he says his children should be able to stay any night they want and he's not going to tell them they can't stay in their own home.

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

OP posts:
MattyGroves · 16/08/2021 18:43

@PorkAndPickleJellyTot

However it'll be from home so I don't imagine this changing much then either.
You have to knock that right on the head. Do not even once WFH while looking after the kids. Make it a non negotiable, tell him your boss has said it's a disciplinary offence or something if you have to.

You have to play hardball and just stop doing this in general. Can you go and stay with your parents for a bit to reset the dynamic?

sassbott · 16/08/2021 18:45

YANBU.

You need to have firm words with him now and put a stop to it. At 8 and 10 they cannot be left alone at all. And if he wants to have them stay whenever he wishes, fine, but then he needs to the one looking after them or arranging childcare to enable it.

Personally I wouldn’t be ok at this age with zero structure. I think you’re well within your rights to ask for some form of routine and within that you can compromise. So if you know 1 morning a week they will be there and in your care - perhaps that’s ok. Because on the other mornings you can plan as you wish.

Sorry but you have to be super firm on this. His children do not get to dictate what you can/ cannot do with your LO. Especially given the year we’ve had and especially given your Mat leave will soon be over. Enjoy the next few months!

MoonlightWanderer · 16/08/2021 18:45

The thing is nothing we say can change the situation. The OP needs to stand up to him and say no. If she doesn't do that, nothing will change.

billy1966 · 16/08/2021 18:46

Kindly OP,

Clearly he has zero curtesy or respect for you.

What a twit you have ended up with.

Unbelievable that he expects you to be available 24 hours a day to mind his children.

Is this REALLY what you signed up for?

That you have been putting up with this at all, makes you sound like an absolute doormat.

Probably why he chose you in the first place.

Think long and hard about the life you want.
Spending it with someone who has so little respect for you and an inability to in any way understand something so basic as how you spend YOUR time, is not going to be a bed of roses.

You deserve agency over your time.

You deserve much better that him and this.
Flowers

ButterflyAway · 16/08/2021 18:47

So he’s not actually expecting you to care for them in the evenings, he’s picking them up after he finishes work and caring for them. What’s your issue here then, that they’re over too much? That he goes to work in the morning and they (I assume) go to school?

Beamur · 16/08/2021 18:47

I agree that your DH needs to change his thinking to assuming that you won't be looking after the kids. Thus he needs to always have a childcare arrangement in place when he agrees to them coming.
You should be able to spend the last few weeks/months of your ML how it suits you. There may be times you can take the older children too but he shouldn't assume you will.

ButterflyAway · 16/08/2021 18:47

@billy1966 he’s not actually expecting her to mind the kids though. He picks them up once he finishes work and takes them to his house. What’s the problem with that? Hmm

Enough4me · 16/08/2021 18:48

OP he's a CF and you need to say you will no longer put up with this. Tell him this is the final week and as of next Monday he doesn't leave them with you.

cabingirl · 16/08/2021 18:48

Tell him he will need to make sure there is a babysitter booked every time he agrees to a last-minute change to the regular schedule if he isn't going to be there himself.

Even if you don't have specific plans.

Once he has seen and experienced what the cost of regular unexpected childcare is maybe he will value your time more.

minipie · 16/08/2021 18:48

I've told him this but he says his children should be able to stay any night they want and he's not going to tell them they can't stay in their own home.

As a purely practical matter he would have to if you weren't there and he was going to be at work.

Exactly what this PP said. Remind him that if he were single he would be having to tell his DCs they couldn’t stay that night due to work or would have to be dropped back when he leaves for work.

You are not saying his kids can’t stay, you are saying they can stay the amount that he can look after them.

m00rfarm · 16/08/2021 18:48

He needs to understand they are children not puppies.

billy1966 · 16/08/2021 18:49

Oh and as for you minding his children as you WFH🙄.

Unbelievable.

billy1966 · 16/08/2021 18:51

[quote ButterflyAway]@billy1966 he’s not actually expecting her to mind the kids though. He picks them up once he finishes work and takes them to his house. What’s the problem with that? Hmm[/quote]
And leave them with her the following day, so she can't make plans..did you read the OP's posts at all?

Try it!

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 18:51

@ButterflyAway

So he’s not actually expecting you to care for them in the evenings, he’s picking them up after he finishes work and caring for them. What’s your issue here then, that they’re over too much? That he goes to work in the morning and they (I assume) go to school?
It's the school holidays here
BillyWhozz · 16/08/2021 18:52

[quote ButterflyAway]@billy1966 he’s not actually expecting her to mind the kids though. He picks them up once he finishes work and takes them to his house. What’s the problem with that? Hmm[/quote]
And then goes to work in the morning leaving them there, for the OP to mind...!

Babyghirl · 16/08/2021 18:52

@PorkAndPicklejellytot
Nxt time he walks in with them unannounced say we'll I'm going out at 9 in the morning so can you arrange for you to drop them off somewhere on your way to work please, and if response is I never knew you had anything planned your response well I'm a free agent and don't need to pit it in a dairy.

Beamur · 16/08/2021 18:53

You will need to be quite firm that wfh needs to be treated as time you are not available for any childcare. Full stop. Employers rightly expect your time and focus..

MeridianB · 16/08/2021 18:53

YADNBU. I assumed from your title that they were in their late teens!

Why do they want to come over all the time or stay if their dad is not there?

Is there a Disney Dad/keep ex happy/free childcare dynamic?

Next time he turns up with them, make sure he cooks dinner, does bedtime, breakfast and takes them with him when he goes or arranges for them to be collected PDQ. Just tell him you’re going out at 9am and he needs to be home then.

But the wider issue is that a total lack of schedule is impractical for everyone with younger children. And it’s ridiculous if he is not doing the childcare. Time for some home truths!

AlexisFrank · 16/08/2021 18:53

Thank you for your post. Everywhere it is not a common scenario.

Datsandcogs · 16/08/2021 18:53

YABU to say that the children can’t stay when they want.

YANBU not to look after them without notice or consultation.

They can stay but your DH a must not assume that you are always on hand for childcare for your stepchildren without agreeing to it in advance.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 16/08/2021 18:55

@ButterflyAway

So he’s not actually expecting you to care for them in the evenings, he’s picking them up after he finishes work and caring for them. What’s your issue here then, that they’re over too much? That he goes to work in the morning and they (I assume) go to school?
Perhaps because it's her home, she has a new baby and routine would suit her better than random nights of the children being over?
billy1966 · 16/08/2021 18:57

"The problem is half the time I don't even know they are coming. He just gets them after work because they've asked and brings them home with him. Then they stay and he leaves for work in the morning leaving them with me the next day. I obviously can't say they have to go home once they are already here.

He just doesn't get why it's a problem, because he's not telling me I have to stay in with them it's apparently fine."

@ButterflyAway

NumberTheory · 16/08/2021 18:57

I obviously can't say they have to go home once they are already here.

Agreed. What you say is "DH, I have things on all day tomorrow, you'll have to make arrangements for childcare."

MattyGroves · 16/08/2021 18:58

@MoonlightWanderer

The thing is nothing we say can change the situation. The OP needs to stand up to him and say no. If she doesn't do that, nothing will change.
I think key to this is the OP realising that she doesn't have to convince her DH. It's her time and he doesn't get to decide what she does with it. She needs to set out her boundaries and not get into discussions about whether or not they are reasonable
LuaDipa · 16/08/2021 18:58

@sst1234

Poor children. Feel utterly sorry for little ones in this position.
Agreed. Imagine having a father who so easily shifts his responsibilities over to his new partner without even a backward glance. Poor kids.