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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my husband's children can't stay any night they want?

271 replies

PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 17:53

Recently my DSC have started asking to be a lot more flexible with the contact between our houses. Before we had 60:40 (40 with us) but it's now more like 50:50 but on random days where they will just text or ring and ask to stay that night/day.

My husband always says yes to this however he knows that he is going out to work 5 days a week leaving me at home with DSC with next to no notice. I feel completely unable to plan my week or time as they are not ages that can be left alone in the house either (8 & 10).

He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something but I just feel it's unsustainable to keep doing that, I feel like I'm hanging around if I ever want to go anywhere waiting for things to be arranged.

I've told him this but he says his children should be able to stay any night they want and he's not going to tell them they can't stay in their own home.

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

OP posts:
WildfirePonie · 17/08/2021 12:23

Next time the kids come round YOU go out.

He thinks you're his unpaid babysitter and is laughing his ass off. His ex too, I can hear her laughing from here.

MMMarmite · 17/08/2021 12:28

He's being a twat. I think you need to say you are no longer available for any childcare, as he has taken you for granted too much, until you can reset the balance.

If he still ignores that, I would find a nice cafe and start going there for breakfast before he leaves for work, whenever his kids are there. Then he will be the one unable to leave the house until he's fixed childcare arrangements.

Whatafustercluck · 17/08/2021 12:41

I was going to say yabu but it would be on the basis that yes, in principle, they should be allowed to come over any night. In practice though, that means your dh collects them and is there to care for them unless he's consulted you first about your plans before agreeing to have then.

LannieDuck · 17/08/2021 12:50

I would tell him that you'll only do childcare when it's agreed with you in advance. If he drops it on you unexpectedly, you'll be going out every single time.

And then do it. And be really blatant about it, e.g. if they stay over and you're not expecting to do childcare the next day, leave before him in the morning (this will be a bit painful, but necessary). If he asks where you're going you can say "I don't know yet. Have a nice day, bye!".

If he manages to leave them with you somehow (he sneaks out the house first), could you drive them over to his office and leave them with him? (Be gentle with the kids about it though - make up a pre-existing date with a friend that their Dad must have forgotten about or something.) If you don't want to do that, take him up on his offer of calling and demanding he reorganise every time.

You should only have to do it for a couple of weeks before he gets the message.

SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 17/08/2021 12:57

But they're your children now too. That's what happens when you choose to have a relationship, and then MARRY, a man with children - they become your responsibility!

Unless he kept them hidden from you until after the wedding...

I feel so sorry for his kids

AtillatheHun · 17/08/2021 13:02

For a shred of balance, depending on what your plans are, what’s wrong with taking them with you? I suspect that this is your first mat leave / baby. Siblings get dragged along and kids get dragged along to things that don’t concern them - if you are going shopping, they can go with you. Pre covid, mine had to sit in on dental / doctor etc appointments that didn’t concern them. It’s just what happens- if they’re with you, there’s no obligation on you to cancel everything and entertain them. To the extent possible, crack on as usual (you might find they start asking to be dropped home in the morning!).
I’d be making it crystal clear now that you aren’t doing any childcare for them at all on days you’re working from November and he must make appropriate arrangements on his days then.

Howshouldibehave · 17/08/2021 13:05

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

But they're your children now too. That's what happens when you choose to have a relationship, and then MARRY, a man with children - they become your responsibility!

Unless he kept them hidden from you until after the wedding...

I feel so sorry for his kids

Do you really think that the kids can choose to come whenever they want and arrange this with their dad and the OP should just be the default childcare without it affecting the dad’s day at all?!
BillyWhozz · 17/08/2021 13:08

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

But they're your children now too. That's what happens when you choose to have a relationship, and then MARRY, a man with children - they become your responsibility!

Unless he kept them hidden from you until after the wedding...

I feel so sorry for his kids

But in this scenario they've become more the OP's responsibility than their fathers!
Enough4me · 17/08/2021 13:09

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble the OP only has parental rights when she agrees these with their dad. He cannot leave them with her without her agreement. It's similar with grandparents and teachers, they take on rights that the main parent agrees with them, the DCs aren't just left.

OP cannot make major decisions for them either as she has not legally adopted them.

MMMarmite · 17/08/2021 13:10

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

But they're your children now too. That's what happens when you choose to have a relationship, and then MARRY, a man with children - they become your responsibility!

Unless he kept them hidden from you until after the wedding...

I feel so sorry for his kids

That completely depends on what the agreement is between the couple. The kids already have two parents. Some step parents agree to take on a parental role, in other families the role is a kind and supportive adult but not a third parent.

And anyway, the OP to send to have the worst of all worlds. If she has an equal parental role, she would have a day in the kids' scheduling, and could argue for a more predictable fixed schedule. But the H and ex are still making all the decisions without OP, but then expecting OP to pick up the work that is the consequence of those decisions.

Youseethethingis · 17/08/2021 13:30

But they're your children now too. That's what happens when you choose to have a relationship, and then MARRY, a man with children - they become your responsibility!
OP signed a MARRIAGE certificate, not an ADOPTION certificate.
If they truly were HER children she would be part of the decisions, but the PARENTS have decided and just expect her to PUT UP WITH IT.

SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 17/08/2021 13:57

Surely that's a conversation to have BEFORE you get married though, does no one sit down and discuss these things with their other half before they make a life long commitment?

One of the first things DH and I discussed when we started dating, was if he wanted more kids (would have been a deal breaker) and how we would parent his DD and what my role would be

You can't start seeing someone, presumably be with them for a while, marry them, have a baby with them and NOT KNOW how you are going to parent his existing children

I mean seriously

SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 17/08/2021 13:58

@PorkAndPickleJellyTot you have a massive DH/Communication problem

loulous1985 · 17/08/2021 13:59

But they're your children now too.

Incorrect.

notsogreenthumb · 17/08/2021 14:02

@aSofaNearYou

*8 and 10 yr olds don't generally get to dictate what happens in families. If my dc had said, when they were 8 or 10 "I'm going to sleep at Nanny's tonight" they would have had it explained to them that they couldn't just decide, on a whim and that it needs to suit everyone and plans have to be put in place. The same applies to all 8 and 10 yr olds, including those whose parents live apart.*

I strongly agree with this. I genuinely think people have it really warped when it comes to the subject of SC being able to come and go when they please. Of course they shouldn't feel that they are unwelcome on any personal level, but where they are isn't really personal. In a together family, things have to be organised so that young children are being watched by one parent whenever the other is unavailable. It's not generally viewed as an emotive decision which way around it is, and the children don't usually get to request "can parent A stay behind instead of going to their hobby and parent B go out because that's the way around I want it tonight". The parents also wouldn't both make plans on the same day without organising childcare.

It's the same in a step family, except the two parents are split across two locations. The parents still make the plans, and it isn't an emotive, personal thing if the child needs to be with one parent on a certain night because of those plans.

So well said and totally sympathetic to the children's needs. If their parents had been together and dad was at work, they'd have to be with mum. This doesn't suddenly change because they are step-children.
SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 17/08/2021 14:08

@loulous1985

But they're your children now too.

Incorrect.

Please tell me you don't have step-children!
Youseethethingis · 17/08/2021 14:08

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble
Have you not heard that abusive situations start slowly and usually when the woman is pregnant or has a young baby?
And yes, if this is how this man goes on, making decisions for his children by another woman and expecting OP to jump to attention with no regard for her time or needs, then it is a form of abuse.

SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 17/08/2021 14:10

[quote Youseethethingis]@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble
Have you not heard that abusive situations start slowly and usually when the woman is pregnant or has a young baby?
And yes, if this is how this man goes on, making decisions for his children by another woman and expecting OP to jump to attention with no regard for her time or needs, then it is a form of abuse.[/quote]
Crikey, that's a bit of a stretch isn't it!

Youseethethingis · 17/08/2021 14:12

Not really, no.

loulous1985 · 17/08/2021 14:16

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

Thank you for showing interest in my life. Smile

No, I don't have "step children". We aren't married, so we don't use that terminology. But my partner has kids who he parents himself, alongside their other parent, ie their mother. I am not one of their parents, and they are not "my kids now too". I'm just dads's partner, and I join in on the fun family stuff without the hassle of being expected to parent them in any way. Works for us.

aSofaNearYou · 17/08/2021 14:32

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

Surely that's a conversation to have BEFORE you get married though, does no one sit down and discuss these things with their other half before they make a life long commitment?

One of the first things DH and I discussed when we started dating, was if he wanted more kids (would have been a deal breaker) and how we would parent his DD and what my role would be

You can't start seeing someone, presumably be with them for a while, marry them, have a baby with them and NOT KNOW how you are going to parent his existing children

I mean seriously

Yes we all have these conversations. But the mistake you're making is thinking we need to actively opt out of them being "our children" and our responsibility equally to him. If that is his expectation of his partner, then he needs to bring that up beforehand, because it is not the default the way you seem to think it is.
sassbott · 17/08/2021 14:34

but they’re your children now too

😂😂😂😂

Do you even begin to realise the amount of mothers who would lose their mind if this is how SM’s viewed themselves? I think my partners exwife would spontaneously combust if I ever used language even close to that effect.

My partners children are NOT my children. Anymore than mine are his. Unless one of us adopted/ took on PR, we have no legal (or moral) stance that recognises anyone else’s children as ‘ours.’

We are partners / spouses to someone who has children with someone else. Our primary relationship is to that adult. No more, no less.

sassbott · 17/08/2021 14:35

Oh and if someone other than my exh and I attempted to ‘parent’ my children? They would get very short shrift immediately.

Whatafustercluck · 17/08/2021 14:44

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble

But they're your children now too. That's what happens when you choose to have a relationship, and then MARRY, a man with children - they become your responsibility!

Unless he kept them hidden from you until after the wedding...

I feel so sorry for his kids

The thing is, in any marriage or relationship where children are involved, both parents still need to communicate with one another about childcare. "If I go for a swim on Thursday evening, will you be around to collect and feed the children?" Being a step parent is no different. Parents have lives, and make plans that require communication and consideration. The op's dh says "Yes, that's fine" without any consideration for or communication with op about their plans. That is just not on.

And why is it repeatedly OK for step mums to be expected to take the childcare strain, while simultaneously also being repeatedly told that various situations are none of their business and they shouldn't try to parent another woman's child?

And yes, I am both a parent of 10 years and a step parent of 18 years who has a very good relationship both with my 21yo dsd and her mother!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/08/2021 14:47

Who minds the DC during the days they arent with you? He should be getting them up and dropping them off at their arranged childcare/whoever normally cares for them during non contact days.