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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my daughter change her name?

510 replies

katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 16:09

My daughter wants to change her name to Rose, however I believe she should keep her birth name until the age of 18. I’m aware she can change it without my permission as she’s 16 however I’m hoping she wouldn’t as she knows I’m unhappy with it. It was the name I chose for her and I do believe her reasoning for wanting to change her name (too masculine) is wrong. Shes been using Rose as her name with some of her school friends and her online friends for over a year.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 14/08/2021 16:11

What's her name?

SheABitSpicyToday · 14/08/2021 16:11

It’s her name, not yours. Yabu.

GoWalkabout · 14/08/2021 16:11

In teenage years you need to let them win some battles, and stay supportive. Show that her feelings matter as much as yours so she can start to navigate the world as an adult.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 14/08/2021 16:12

Her name, her life. Yabu and you're making it about yourself, not her.

WeAreTheHeroes · 14/08/2021 16:13

Is your asking her to delay legally changing her name likely to make any difference to her ultimate decision? She's 16 not 11. If she's already being called Rose by her friends she's unlikely to change her mind imho. It's her life and her name. It's okay for you to be unhappy about it, but when it comes down to it, it's up to her.

lunar1 · 14/08/2021 16:14

She's 16, that's old enough to know if she wants to change her name.

Twixxed · 14/08/2021 16:15

I get why you're upset but she's 16, it's not your choice anymore. You opposing this will just add friction to your relationship with her (and probably make her more determined than ever to change her name).

Hopdathelf · 14/08/2021 16:15

YABU not to let her, not least because it’s not your concern to “let” her. She’s old enough to do it if she wants.

Blossomtoes · 14/08/2021 16:16

She’ll do it legally when she’s 18 anyway. How can you stop her going by Rose in the meantime?

TheFeistyFeminist · 14/08/2021 16:16

I adopted a variation of my name at age 15. Now only two people call me my original name, mother and one sibling. I haven't changed officially because I know my mother would be hurt but it does mean I've now disliked my birth name for well over 40 years. Please let her do this.

bloodywhitecat · 14/08/2021 16:16

At 16 she is old enough to decide what she wants to be called so I wouldn't object.

Haybo26 · 14/08/2021 16:17

I let my son change his surname aged 14. His name, his choice. YABVU.

FuckingFlumps · 14/08/2021 16:18

I'd be very surprised if she suddenly decided the name she was given at birth was her preference before she turned 18 given she is currently 16 and has been using the name she prefers for a year already.

Making her wait is going to do nothing to change her mind but it will probably cause a huge rift in your relationship which may never be mended. If that's your ultimate end goal then sure crack on and make her wait. However if you would still like a relationship with her in 2 years time I would strongly recommend supporting her to use the name Rose.

Hekatestorch · 14/08/2021 16:18

What has the fact that you chose her name got to do with anything.

You may not agree with her reasons, for this. But that doesn't make them 'wrong'. And viewing it like this, is not going to help.

Personally, I think yabu. I would let her change it. Might miff me a bit, but I would accept it

JoborPlay · 14/08/2021 16:18

YABU. Her name was a gift from you to her. She doesn't like the gift so she should be able to do as she wishes with it. You could suggest she keeps her name as a middle name?

GetTaeFuck · 14/08/2021 16:18

My name was officially changed a few years back, I’ve been known by a nickname all my life, it made sense.

Only my Dad calls me by my original name, however he refuses to use the shortened versions of any of his DCs names. I don’t mind.

RubyGoat · 14/08/2021 16:19

What do you believe you will achieve by forcing her to wait?

MadeOfStarStuff · 14/08/2021 16:19

YABU

It’s her name not yours, why would you want her to spend another 2 years unhappy with something as fundamental as her name?

ISpyCobraKai · 14/08/2021 16:21

Dd started being known as a shortened version of her middle name at 17, she's 20 this month and still uses it.
I don't mind at all, and have offered to use the new name but she likes me to call her by her original name.
Just go with it, in the grand scheme of things it's nothing.

sunglassesonthetable · 14/08/2021 16:22

I think you have to run with this.

She's doing it anyway. You don't like it and that's your prerogative but show her respect by not standing in her way.

In her half way place between adult and child treat her like an adult on this one.

MissCruellaDeVil · 14/08/2021 16:31

YABU, it's her name, and she's 16, she knows what she wants to be called. I have a friend who goes by her middle name as it's shorter and "more feminine" yet her parents still call her by her first name as that's what she prefers. It's her choice.

Original poster
katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 16:32

If she waits until 18, I thought it would be easier for her qualifications to all be in the same name. Her father supports it but I’m just unsure. Maybe you’re right as she’s been using it for a year she won’t change her mind. That was my biggest worry, her changing it then wanting it changed back

OP posts:
pussycatlickinglollyices · 14/08/2021 16:34

If you don't let her do it now, she'll do it at 18 anyway.

This is one battle you will never win.

AlexaShutUp · 14/08/2021 16:36

I think at 16 you should respect her choices tbh. It's hard for us to accept some decisions that our kids make sometimes, but we have to accept that they're individuals with their own thoughts and opinions and we have to allow them to make their own decisions. As long as they're not doing anything that's likely to cause harm to themselves or to others, I think you need to let them get on with it.

daisycottage · 14/08/2021 16:36

She can change it back if she wants, changing name isn't difficult. It might involve some bureaucratic stuff at the bank, passport office etc. but that's about all.

Rose sounds nice. At least she's not wanting to call herself Death Metal Mango Chutney or something.