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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my daughter change her name?

510 replies

katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 16:09

My daughter wants to change her name to Rose, however I believe she should keep her birth name until the age of 18. I’m aware she can change it without my permission as she’s 16 however I’m hoping she wouldn’t as she knows I’m unhappy with it. It was the name I chose for her and I do believe her reasoning for wanting to change her name (too masculine) is wrong. Shes been using Rose as her name with some of her school friends and her online friends for over a year.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 14/08/2021 17:24

I can see why you are concerned op. I wouldn't like my kids to change their names either.

FuckingFabulous · 14/08/2021 17:24

There are so many adults who changed their names because they hate it. My friend is called Jack but his birth name was Gilbert and he absolutely loathed it. I also have a friend who I've only ever known as Rosie but her legal name is Kirsty and she hated it. Had everyone calling her Rosie from about 14. Her dad refused to go along with it, mocked her and kicked up a huge fuss and she's very low contact with him now

Birminghambloke · 14/08/2021 17:25

@katherine1983

For those asking too, her name is Kody.
Definitely change that name. Every child I’ve known with that name is male. I can fully understand why she’d wish to change to want a feminine sounding one.
2021V2 · 14/08/2021 17:25

www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll

Link to show it's 16 not 18 so it's a moot point if she is already 16. But even if my child said aged 5 I want to be Rose and not Kody -I'd respect that decision.

SixesAndEights · 14/08/2021 17:26

She's trying to reinvent herself to escape from some recent problems she's had. A new name doesn't solve the problem

Part of the reason I changed my name was to create a bit of distance between my young self who'd suffered trauma and my then current self. Of course it didn't solve my problems, but it helped.

lannistunut · 14/08/2021 17:26

@katherine1983

There’s no reason for Kody, I just liked it. I just think most people without knowing why she changed it would think she was trying to run from something.
No, they won;t. They'll just think she wanted to change her name.

I think most people would see Rose as a more conventional name than Kody, and so probably would think she changed it for that reason, not for anything more complex.

Carboncheque · 14/08/2021 17:26

If anyone asks why she changed her name all she’ll have to say is Kody.

bobandhisburgers · 14/08/2021 17:26

@ImNotWhoYouThinkIam

I didn't think she could change it "officially" until 18 anyway? DS1 wants to change his surname but his dad won't let him and I can't find how to do it so its totally 100% legal and has to be accepted by passport/bank etc.
I think it is 18. I changed my surname at 18. I had to go via a lawyer and get a deed poll. I had to take the deed poll document with me to change banks/passport etc. I also had to take a coat when I registers to marry as obviously birth cert is in my old name.

I'd been using the name on all my school and exam stuff for 10 years already and was able to get my provisional licence in the name too. Not sure how but they just accepted it.

Urghhhhh · 14/08/2021 17:26

I'm sorry OP, but Kody is both masculine sounding and misspelt. No wonder she hates it. Time to put aside your pride and let her remedy your mistake.

WhereHasAllTheYogurtGone · 14/08/2021 17:27

@mklanch

could she not pick kaydee instead? very similar but more feminine ?
Sounds like Katie but pronounced in that obnoxious way people say pardee for party.

I would rather eat my own eyeballs with a dog shit covered rusty fork than be called Kaydee.

Reallyreallyborednow · 14/08/2021 17:27

could she not pick kaydee instead? very similar but more feminine ?

That’s a million times worse. Is it made up? American pronunciation of Katie? More questions than Kody.

I know a girl name Cody. I like it, and have never thought if it as a boys name.

This is why I gave my kids boring mainstream middle names that have easy nicknames, just in case the hated their first names Grin.

Fwiw though, please bear in mind if she does change it legally, she will forever have to declare both names and produce the deed poll certificate for any ID. If she changes her name on marriage, she’ll need deed poll and marriage cert for every bank account, passport application, dbs, many jobs.

I’ve just renewed my security clearance and done passports and at the time thought it’s so easy never having changed my name- one tick box rather than having to fill in another section of forms for previous names.

Does she want to change it legally? Or is she happy being “known as”? That’s easier in many ways.

SallyDontTouchThatPie · 14/08/2021 17:28

@Lindy2 in fairness this is a totally different situation. The girl has a typical boy's name, has been calling herself Rose from around 13 and is 16 years old, so has probably just sat her GCSEs. There is also no mention of ADHD.

My name change happened before I was 18 and I am now late 40s. Haven't changed my mind about the name I chose.

P91a · 14/08/2021 17:28

@katherine1983

There’s no reason for Kody, I just liked it. I just think most people without knowing why she changed it would think she was trying to run from something.
I changed my name a while ago, it only rarely comes up that I have to explain why it's changed and she can just explain why. I don't think most people will jump to she must be running from something.
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 14/08/2021 17:29

She can be known as any name she likes as long as legal documents are in her birth name. She could change her mind again in a couple of years.

InJest · 14/08/2021 17:30

OP, let her change it and help her make the change. Your support on this will mean a lot.

I can see how having a male name in the current climate would be really challenging.

She can always change it back at a later date if she changes her mind. Its not like a tattoo or medical procedure. It would be a faff, and expensive, but not impossible.

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/08/2021 17:30

Would assume nothing more than she didn't like the name Kody, which is a boys name, and is often shortened to 'Code' which is flipping horrible (I hear it DAILY as one of the neighbours kids in my row is called Cody, and his family shorten it that way).

Ultimately.. not your name, you need to get over it.

LopsidedWombat · 14/08/2021 17:31

I think this is one of those things where you just have to bite your tongue and be grateful she's opting for something conventional like Rose with an understandable justification that the name you gave her is too masculine for her. Just make sure she knows that if she does change her mind again in the future she will have more formalities to sort out as she'll be older then and let her get on with it.

Kanaloa · 14/08/2021 17:31

It’s just a name. Whether she is called Kody or Rose she’s still the same person, so I would just call her Rose. It’s quite a nice name and it’s more feminine than Kody. Kody is also an unusual spelling and might be awkward - everyone knows the name Rose!

Hercisback · 14/08/2021 17:31

Kody is an awful name so I'm not surprised she wants to change it. Rose is much nicer and she has good reasons for wanting to change. It's not a whim as she's used Rose for over a year.

alexdgr8 · 14/08/2021 17:32

@katherine1983

For those asking too, her name is Kody.
were you expecting/ wanting a boy ?? no wonder she wants to change it. look, no offence OP, but i'm surprised her father agreed to that. anyway, you gave her what you thought was a beautiful gift of a name, now she's found the receipt, and is changing it.
KurtWilde · 14/08/2021 17:32

Why would anyone ask if she'd changed her name? Why would she need to tell new people she'd changed her name? No one I'm not related to knows what name is on my birth certificate. I don't say hi I'm Kurt but I used to be called xxxx . Obviously when you change it at the bank/bills/passport etc they ask for your original name but other than that..

Hekatestorch · 14/08/2021 17:32

You picked a name for her for no reason and she doesn't like it. You liked it she doesn't. Why would you force her to live with a name she doesn't like?

Let her change her name. It is masculine because its usually used for boys.

Movinghouseatlast · 14/08/2021 17:34

I honestly think you should let her do this.

I have a friend who changed her name in a very similar fashion. Some of her family still call her the old name but to everyone else she is the name she chose.

thecognoscenti · 14/08/2021 17:34

Rose is lovely, Kody is really bad (Cody for a boy is alright though I wouldn't use it). She's being sensible wanting to change it before she goes to university/starts working. It's her name, not yours. You're being very unreasonable.

WeAllHaveWings · 14/08/2021 17:35

I would be disappointed (in myself for getting the name so wrong) and a bit sad about it, but she's 16 now, has obviously thought it through, has been using it for a long time, and has very good reasons.

Just let her change it, it is the right thing to do for her. Your problems with her changing it are separate and yours to deal with.