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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my daughter change her name?

510 replies

katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 16:09

My daughter wants to change her name to Rose, however I believe she should keep her birth name until the age of 18. I’m aware she can change it without my permission as she’s 16 however I’m hoping she wouldn’t as she knows I’m unhappy with it. It was the name I chose for her and I do believe her reasoning for wanting to change her name (too masculine) is wrong. Shes been using Rose as her name with some of her school friends and her online friends for over a year.

OP posts:
DragonMamma · 14/08/2021 16:55

Another one that would allow her to change it. Kody is really masculine so I don’t think it’s a coincidence that she’s gone for an ultra feminine new name.

grapewine · 14/08/2021 16:56

Kody' is a boy's name, no wonder she's fed up. I'd be doing the same in her place.

YABU.

Hopdathelf · 14/08/2021 16:57

I think it must be quite hard for kids today with names that can go both ways. Given the massive media focus on trans issues I wonder if assumptions are made that they were born the opposite gender and are ‘passing’ very well. Bullies could have a field day.

grapewine · 14/08/2021 16:57

@gogohm

Let her it's her life. And I hope some of the many posters suggesting weird and masculine names for daughters to be are reading this. Wacky doesn't always go down with the recipient
I was just thinking this.
Original poster
katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 16:57

To be fair, I have only met one other female Kody. Perhaps it’s the spelling that makes it sound masculine.

OP posts:
mklanch · 14/08/2021 16:57

could she not pick kaydee instead? very similar but more feminine ?

ImNotWhoYouThinkIam · 14/08/2021 16:57

I didn't think she could change it "officially" until 18 anyway?
DS1 wants to change his surname but his dad won't let him and I can't find how to do it so its totally 100% legal and has to be accepted by passport/bank etc.

Original poster
katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 16:58

She has said that some people assume her to be male when they are first meeting her, same with some school staff asking for a boy when needing her for things.

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 16:58

@katherine1983

For those asking too, her name is Kody.
I'm not surprised she doesn't like the name.

Rose is just lovely.

There's nothing you can do about it anyway, she can call herself what she likes.

OwlBasket · 14/08/2021 16:58

I’d let her change it too. TBH she has already. Kody is quite masculine and in the current climate she probably has people assuming she’s nonbinary or somesuch. Not fun.

If I’d changed my name at 14 I doubt I’d have made such an adult choice. It’d have been D’arcy or something like that I fear. She was 14 when she changed it socially, right?

icedcoffees · 14/08/2021 16:59

So am I , have never heard of anyone in RL changing their name, shortening it yes but not changing it

If they changed their name before meeting you, how would you even know @butterpuffed?

Carboncheque · 14/08/2021 17:00

It’s a boy’s name. Spelt either way.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 14/08/2021 17:00

For those asking too, her name is Kody.

I am very close to a Cody. She has hated it forever. Even as a kid, she got loads of comments about it being a boy's name, or an Aussie boy's name - not from school friends, where she could have rebuffed it, but from adults mostly.

I know Kody is now a "known" misspelling of the name, but given the trend of using K's instead of C's has dated quite badly, I'm not surprised she's somewhat upset....

Does she have a middle name? Could she use Rose Kody XXXX, so that anything in her first name is easier to explain?

I do appreciate that it must hurt that she wants to change the name that you gave her, but if she's used Rose for a year now, she's not just going through a phase of hating her name or wanting a prettier one.

WeAreTheHeroes · 14/08/2021 17:00

@mklanch

could she not pick kaydee instead? very similar but more feminine ?
She's already picked her preferred name!

I know five people who have all changed their given names. All are women and had different reasons for changing their names.

Original poster
katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 17:00

Changing it by deed poll, she can change it at 16 via that as it doesn’t need to be enrolled for banks and all the important things to update it.

OP posts:
Original poster
katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 17:01

I think she would’ve been 14 when she started using it, may be 13.

OP posts:
FuckingFlumps · 14/08/2021 17:02

@mklanch

could she not pick kaydee instead? very similar but more feminine ?
She's already decided what name she wished to be called. It would be incredibly rude for the OP to try and suggest alternatives.
Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 14/08/2021 17:03

@SheABitSpicyToday

It’s her name, not yours. Yabu.
This Tbf.

You might not like it but it’s her name.

Nc123 · 14/08/2021 17:03

@FuckingFlumps

So am I , have never heard of anyone in RL changing their name, shortening it yes but not changing it Hmm

Surely just because you've never known someone who has personally changed their name it doesn't stop you knowing it happens.

To be honest you probably do know at least one person but you probably met them post name change so have never known them as anything but their new name. It's not at all unusual.

This. I know quite a few people who have changed their name. One of my friends has changed her first name once and surname twice, by deed poll on all occasions.

OP - appreciate that you gave your daughter the name Kody but you can see that she dislikes it and it’s caused some trouble for her. She’s chosen a pleasant, sensible name to be known by. The only thing you’ve said is that you “can’t imagine her with another name”. That’s not sufficient reason to stand in her way. You will get used to it, and she will appreciate your support x

SionnachRua · 14/08/2021 17:05

If you like the name Kody that much then change your own name to it. She's clearly unhappy with it and it isn't a whim if she's been using Rose for the past year. It's her life and her name, not yours.

saraclara · 14/08/2021 17:05

She has a good reason for changing it, to be honest. So I don't think this is a passing phase.

I know it's sad to think that the name you choose for her is being discarded, and its okay to feel that way. But it is, unfortunately, a name that's going to continue to be difficult to live with as an adult.

Rose is a lovely name, and I think that as you come to terms with all this, you'll get used to it, and even like it.

mynameisbrian · 14/08/2021 17:05

i was going to ask what her name is but I see you named her 'Kody' ....not really a name and most folks would think its a bloke. For me if she is saying she isnt happy just call her what she wants to be called.

speakout · 14/08/2021 17:05

You need to support her.
It's her name, not yours.
During adolescence my children often decided on certain courses of action that I didn't like, didn't agree with, but supported and enabled them to carry out.
Nothing life changing or dangerous of course.
In retrospect these events were the ones that caused my kids to respect me most- they knew I didn't like what they were doing, but respected their right to choose.
We would discuss, but ultimately they had the right to choose.
Like dropping a subject at school that they hated, even though I felt they should persevere, I would help them explore options.
Having a belly button piercing, not something I like, but i would help them find a reputable salon and help with aftercare.

A child is far more than a name OP.

ImNotWhoYouThinkIam · 14/08/2021 17:07

@katherine1983

Changing it by deed poll, she can change it at 16 via that as it doesn’t need to be enrolled for banks and all the important things to update it.
Interesting. Everything I found said it did need to be an enrolled one. Maybe surnames are different.

Anyway. I fully support DS in changing his as soon as he can. He doesn't like his name, and while that makes me sad because I chose to give him his DFs surname I trust him to make this decision for himself.

TheGumption · 14/08/2021 17:07

Bless her, she has good reason to change it. I hope she does.

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