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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my daughter change her name?

510 replies

katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 16:09

My daughter wants to change her name to Rose, however I believe she should keep her birth name until the age of 18. I’m aware she can change it without my permission as she’s 16 however I’m hoping she wouldn’t as she knows I’m unhappy with it. It was the name I chose for her and I do believe her reasoning for wanting to change her name (too masculine) is wrong. Shes been using Rose as her name with some of her school friends and her online friends for over a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
katherine1983 · 15/08/2021 21:15

She’s already updated her socials etc to Rose and has told all of her friends now about it Smile

OP posts:
purpletrains · 15/08/2021 21:22

Kody with a K. I really dont blame her. Sorry! What were you thinking?

rcd · 15/08/2021 21:23

It's very unwise to get into any conflict with your daughter about her name. It could affect your relationship with her long term.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/08/2021 21:24

She’s had to live with people assuming she’s male. Some people deliberately choose masculine names for DD’s but she’s not liking it and has swung other way to a very feminine name.
A poster on here once posted name lists for secondary modern v grammar intake and it was a stark contrast. For all the posters saying it doesn’t matter - some people will make assumptions about her background with a name like Kody. If she chooses to use another name and has for a few years I think ship has sailed.
It must be very hard for your DD to articulate to you as you picked it. Do you really want her to say why she hates it to you. I think saying it’s too masculine is a kind explanation.

Original poster
katherine1983 · 15/08/2021 21:41

She has told me that it’s too masculine and that she would rather have a feminine name. She is rather girly etc so Rose does fit well.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 15/08/2021 21:47

OP, I don't think you should feel bad about opposing the change initially. It's natural to feel attached to the name that you originally chose for your dd. The point is that you have thought about it and changed your position. That counts for a lot.

Lily019 · 15/08/2021 21:48

Ive hated my first and middle names all my life. I'm in my 50's now and sorely wish I had had the opportunity to change my name when I was younger. If Rose makes her happy, please let her change it. If she changes her mind again, so be it. Trust me, having a name you dont indentify with is a weird and uncomfortable feeling, despite it being a rather cool name in the 60's, it says little about me and I even hate saying my name out loud. The reason I didnt change it to anything else, even as an adult was because I was basically told to get over myself and got no support whatsover. I tried and failed to get people to call me by my 'alternative' name so Im bloody stuck with this badly thought out name that my mother gifted me. My daughter wanted to change her surname for a while(didnt want to be associated with her father) and she had my blessing to do so. That was a couple of years ago and she still hasn't done it yet, but if she did, wouldn't bother me. Its her sense of identity that matters. Hope it all ends happily for your daughter.

AngryWhompingWillow · 15/08/2021 22:08

@PeachyPeachTrees

Ginger kid named carrot has to be a nickname, awful though.
Yeah this. ^ I doubt calling your baby CARROT would even be allowed.
Dixiechickonhols · 15/08/2021 22:30

Yes I appreciate that’s what she told you and it’s true but what I’m saying is do you really want to push her further. She could well be sparing your feelings. It’s easier to say that to you than people say it’s chavvy, people say my mum can’t spell etc.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/08/2021 22:31

angry as far as I know unless it’s offensive it’s ok in England. So if you can have Apple you can have Carrot.

Copperas · 15/08/2021 22:35

I would strongly recommend getting the deed poll enrolled. So many people mislay the deed poll: enrolling it will make life a lot easier

ODFOx · 15/08/2021 22:47

OP I think that most MNers would recognise Rose as a girl's name with few negative connotations, so it is difficult to understand why you are so troubled.
Why/how did you choose Kody originally? It is quite an unusual spelling of a name which would, to most people in the UK at least, be considered a boy's name of US origin (Cody). Is there a personal reason that you chose it?
Certainly it is a very different name to Rose Josephine, in many ways.
My child also changed their name, so I understand your upset. We spend so much time choosing names for our babies: to have one reach the teen years and reject that choice to reinvent themself is hard to not take personally, but really it is about them, not us.

CrankyFrankie · 15/08/2021 22:55

She can call herself what she likes, it’s not a legal thing when it comes to first names right? And you should respect her wishes and call her whatever she wants to be known as.

CrankyFrankie · 15/08/2021 22:59

Sounds like she has thoughtfully tried to link her preferred names to her heritage etc. I like people assuming I’m a man before they meet me though :D

M1551nglink · 15/08/2021 23:07

Shakespeare Quote - "What's in a name?"
Juliet:
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

Saoirse82 · 15/08/2021 23:15

I always thought of Cody/Kody as a girls name as the first time I ever heard it was from Cody in neighbours in the early 90s. When people started calling their boys Cody/Kody around 10 years ago I thought it was odd as I thought it to be quite girly. Now I think its fine for either. But if she doesn't like it and has been using Rose for a year I'd fully support her in changing it.

Ifeelsuchafool · 16/08/2021 00:17

Oh how I wish people would be respectful and call me by my preferred name. I'm known by a diminutive of my full first name but used to be known by another diminutive of the same name (think Annabella full name and diminutives Anna and Bella - not the case but a similar idea). I changed the diminutive when I got divorced for reasons I won't go into and to anyone I've met since my divorce I've given my new, preferred diminutive at introduction/meeting so no problem. Some of my old friends are very respectful and use the new diminutive, (even if they occasionally slip up, which I do understand, having known me for many years, they quickly correct and apologise) others, however, persist in using the old diminutive and when I repeat that nobody uses that these days as I go by, "alternative diminutive" they just repeat that they'll, "never get used to it" and ask, "why on earth do you want to change it anyway?" To which I usually reply, "want to change? I have changed it, I changed it over 10 years ago!" But still they persist because they don't agree/approve. I find it really annoying and disrespectful and find that I now avoid these people like the plague.

Harmonypuss · 16/08/2021 00:56

When I divorced my ex 23yrs ago, I legally changed my name, nothing drastic, I shortened my first name, completely scraped my middle name and went back to my birth surname.
Fastforward to 2008 and my eldest son changed his name (quite drastically). My mother had plenty to say about it but my attitude was how can I complain about him doing it if I've done it myself?

We had a similar situation when my youngest got into a relationship with someone over 25yrs their senior. My first husband was 26yrs older than me but I learned my lesson. I told my son that he would experience prejudices and people would assume things (wrongly) about their relationship but said that I wouldn't try to discourage them, only that I would be here for him if it all went wrong because if been through it myself. 7yrs on and they're still together and happy.

Moral.... our children will do as they want to, we don't always approve but we just have to be supportive and there for them in case anything goes wrong.

Mamanyt · 16/08/2021 01:00

One of the biggest gifts you can every give your daughter is, right now, sit down with her and tell her that although you love the name you gave her and that some part of you will always think of her by that name, you support her choice, even though you do not totally agree with it.

This will open doors to her talking with you about other things later...but you must always remain calm, even when disagreeing, and when you HAVE to object in the future, do so with rational reasons, not gut reaction.

Emmylouisa · 16/08/2021 01:04

My vote goes to your daughter. She's still the same girl, let her call herself what she feels comfortable with. I know it must be hard for you but it's the right thing to do.

Original poster
katherine1983 · 16/08/2021 07:59

Yes, it’ll be hard to get used to but i’ll get there. One of my friends mentioned it would be easier for her as she wants to go into law as Rose. I just want her to be happy and get into the career she wants. Smile

OP posts:
notthemum · 16/08/2021 10:04

Sorry OP. I think Rose is a classic and that Kody is definitely more a boys name

Original poster
katherine1983 · 16/08/2021 12:00

Starting to think the unisex opinion might just be my family Grin

I do agree Rose is quite a nice name

OP posts:
Blueink · 16/08/2021 12:32

Teens are much more sensitive to gender/identity so it’s great you’re now supporting her use of name

bemusedmoose · 16/08/2021 17:04

Honestly - it's her identity, if it doesn't fit then she isnt going to feel comfortable.

She will fight you over this and the more you argue the more she will go against you.

She can have her birth name and 'known as..' name. Most schools and work places ask for the actual name and what you are actually known as. So she can have both. Being a teen she is likely to fall out of love with the new name so I would just go with the flow and if after 18 she still wants to change it then not a lot you can do. You don't own her identity or her name - she does.

I know it might hurt your feelings but she has to live her own life.

Personally I hate my name, I hate hearing it when people call me, i hate writing it... But I can't think of a name that suits me or I would have change mine years ago! So I know how she feels. I dont feel like my name, it makes me feel awkward. It's a perfectly fine name, I just really don't like it.

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