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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the parent at home with the baby should do night feeds..

262 replies

bluevelvets · 14/08/2021 12:27

When other parent is working outside home from six am to four pm but then said parent takes over completely until bedtime ?

OP posts:
Rabbitheadlights · 14/08/2021 12:28

No care should be shared when "said" parent returns from work, night feeds should be alternated and so should lie ins at the weekend one saturday and one Sunday.

Original poster
bluevelvets · 14/08/2021 12:29

Ok

OP posts:
AliasGrape · 14/08/2021 12:29

Meh, I think every couple/ family should do what works for them.

We did shifts, everyone got a decent chunk of sleep and it worked for us.

Rabbitheadlights · 14/08/2021 12:30

The parent who works outside the home in that scenario would never have a night of unbroken sleep. The SAHP gets every single one? Nope not fair at all!!!

loulous1985 · 14/08/2021 12:31

Not necessarily, depends what works for the family. My partner works 12 hour shifts and we still alternate night feeds, because he copes better than I do with sleep deprivation. It's just whatever works for your own individual circumstances, it's not a blanket "should be" anything.

Fernando072020 · 14/08/2021 12:32

It depends on family and set-up. It's not one rule works for all.
I do all the nights because I bed share and breastfeed. It means everyone sleeps better. It works for us but also my husband does equal parenting in everything else so I don't mind the nights. Plus, if DS is ill or it's a random awful night, DH will always get up to help

Planty13 · 14/08/2021 12:32

It’s not how I would do it

loulous1985 · 14/08/2021 12:33

Just to add that if I'd been doing all night feeds solo for the past however many months, my mental health would now be so badly deteriorated I wouldn't be able to look after our baby properly. If my partner can do night feeds and not have the same detrimental effect on his mental health, why wouldn't we share the load?

Cosybelles · 14/08/2021 12:33

YABU. Both parents should share the night feed duties.

PotteringAlong · 14/08/2021 12:34

Well, mine were breastfed so by necessity I did every single night feed. Do what works for you.

Chocolatebuttercream · 14/08/2021 12:34

I know night feeds are really tough, but in your scenario there the parent who is working out of the home would literally never get a break- they'd be doing their job all day and then childcare all evening. It might be better for the SAHP to have a nap for an hour or two, say, and then the working parent can also have an hour or two to themselves. I know it's so hard and there isn't a perfect solution. It does get easier once baby sleeps through!

girlmom21 · 14/08/2021 12:34

I think 'said' parent needs to realise parenting is a 24 hour job. Just because you're outside the home doesn't mean you're working any harder than the parent at home.

loulous1985 · 14/08/2021 12:34

@bluevelvets

Out of interest why do you think that? The parent at home with the baby is still working, are they not? Why don't they need sleep too to make it through the day?

loulous1985 · 14/08/2021 12:35

@girlmom21

I think 'said' parent needs to realise parenting is a 24 hour job. Just because you're outside the home doesn't mean you're working any harder than the parent at home.

This!!

DixonD · 14/08/2021 12:35

I agree with you OP. Why should the parent who is going to work have to get up in the night? The parent who will be home all day the next day should do the night feeds, as they can catch up on sleep in the day if they want. Why anyone would think otherwise is quite frankly selfish and beyond me. Would anyone really want their other half driving when sleep deprived?

I did every single night feed for ours. I wouldn’t have it any other way; I certainly did not feel aggrieved because my husband didn’t do any. He was going off to work the next day.

And even more shocking, I did all the housework and cooked him dinner for when he got home! 🤣

OaxacaChihuahua · 14/08/2021 12:35

It totally depends on the family.

If the baby is up multiple times per night, it’s not reasonable to expect one person to do all night feeds and then look after the baby all day. They should split the night so they both get some down time and a reasonable stretch of sleep each.

MimosaFields · 14/08/2021 12:36

If the parent working outside of the home is doing something like driving a lorry, it might be better that they get a full night sleep. The consequences could be disastrous otherwise. It all depends on your circumstances

OaxacaChihuahua · 14/08/2021 12:37

The parent who will be home all day the next day should do the night feeds, as they can catch up on sleep in the day if they want.

This is fair if you can actually sleep in the day. If you have a baby like mine who would only sleep while being walked in the pram or while held, you can’t sleep during the day.

Every baby is different and every family is different. There can’t be a hard and fast rule about this.

Chocolatebuttercream · 14/08/2021 12:37

If it helps I'll tell you what we do: I'm a SAHM whilst DH works very long hours (13 hours or more most days) and regular night shifts. I do all night wakings for the baby but I co sleep so this helps a lot. If our older child wakes, which is not that frequent, my husband will go (if he is not on nights of course). Then we take turns to have a lie-in and a bit of me-time on his days off. And my husband does toddler bedtimes on his days off too as I find it really challenging to always do bedtime with a colicky newborn in tow.

HirplesWithHaggis · 14/08/2021 12:38

For our first, I was sahm and did all the night feeds. Tbf, this wasn't particularly difficult as he slept through the night after six weeks. Dh shared most baby tasks after work (food, play, bath, bed) but I definitely did most domestic stuff, which was fair enough. Evenings were child free after about 7.30/8pm.

When ds2 was born I was self employed childminder, and because he was born later than expected I went back to work when he was two days old. (Yes, days.) Dh and I shared the night feeds (8 months!) and, as pp mentioned, he got a long lie on Saturdays, and me on Sundays. Just as well we both worked Mon-Fri, that wouldn't suit with shift work.

You do what suits at the time, if you're reasonable neither party should end up utterly shattered while the other snores on the sofa.

Ofnorman · 14/08/2021 12:38

We shared them. I don't remember having a rota, I think we just went with it and how knackered we were. Sometimes he did it, sometimes I did, and many times we both did it!

TheRabbitStoleMyHat · 14/08/2021 12:39

Why is there this assumption that you can catch up on sleep during the day? That doesn’t happen when you have an older child. And my eldest only had two 20 minutes naps a day as a baby. So not much time to catch up there.

GarnetsandRubies · 14/08/2021 12:39

Depends on the family! I have four children, all were exclusively breastfed for over a year. I did every single night feed, but that's what I wanted, and it's what worked for us.

FTEngineerM · 14/08/2021 12:39

Being outside the home is a break in itself..

KatieKat88 · 14/08/2021 12:40

It should be shared so that everyone gets at least a decent amount of sleep. For us that means I do more in the night but DH will take DD downstairs when she's awake for the day and I'll get an extra hour or so then until he needs to get to work. It's not one size fits all as everyone has different circumstances and different needs, but I would think less of DH if he didn't pull his weight and could see I was suffering because of it. You're meant to be a team.