To think that the parent at home with the baby should do night feeds..

[bluevelvets]

When other parent is working outside home from six am to four pm but then said parent takes over completely until bedtime ?

Also with second baby and having an older one to manage obviously less chance of naps during the day but I’d usually squeeze one in on the weekend.

I'm currently the SAHP and do the night feeds/ wakings during the week, and DP does them at the weekend.

That gives me a rest at the weekend and means DP is rested during the week when he has a work day ahead of him.

Works for us. Obviously only possible if you're bottle feeding

Well, I’ve generally done all the night wakings whilst they were breastfed, then after that DH would do some too. I generally coped better with them as most used to the disturbed sleep. Though when my youngest was born we quite swiftly ended up in lockdown, homeschooling 2 older ones (one with SEN), so I definitely considered that a full time job in itself!

I agree OP.

If you need to get up and drive to work the working parent needs their sleep. The SAHP can catch up on their sleep when their baby is napping or when partner gets home.

On the weekend it should be shared eg SAHP does Friday night whilst working parent has a lie in on Saturday and then working parent does Saturday night whilst SAHP has a lie in on Sunday.

But if I was the working partner I would want to do my share of night feeds as although it’s difficult I do think those tough times creates a stronger bond.

Some people just don't like parenting it seems. If the child needs feeding in the night just feed it, don't matter if you have work, that's your child. We've all had to do it.

For me going to work and leaving my baby was me having a break.

Depends on the family and what the work of the working partner is.

however, on nights, the working partner is not working the next day they should then take over.

I always did all night feeds.

DH went to work.

It worked for us.

Mine were both bf when waking at night so DH didnt do any night feeds. On a really bad night though he took turns to settle after a feed if they weren't going down well etc.
If bottle feeding I think it depends on:

• Whether there are older children who don't nap that mean the SAHP gets no chance to catch up sleep in the day.
• how bad a sleeper the baby is. If the SAHP is struggling along never getting more than a couple of hours here and there of course it's going to work better for most people if you tag team in shifts eg one parent goes to bed early and covers early morning, one does the stretch til midnight or 1am and gets a lie in.

I agree OP.

But at weekends we alternate lie ins so it's fair. Why on earth would you want your partner to be overly tired at work? It doesn't really matter if I'm tired around the house but it absolutely does at work.

Once back at work we shared night waking though.

When I was a sahm I did night feeds as didn't have to get up early like dh, he would get up some weekends or if i was struggling , which didn't happen much as mine slept well tbf
When he came home from work he would help but not take over totally as it was still shared, until ds were a little older and I worked evenings then he had to take over as no choice and only way I could work.
But no fast set rules as such , just worked together depending on various factors

I'm guessing you're the outside the home parent?
Try doing the "inside the home" work for one day and then see how you feel about the idea of doing that on zero sleep endlessly

I think you just need to work out what works best for you, so that no one is totally sleep deprived or resentful.

I do all the night wakings with the 2yo and the 3mo, but DH gets up with the 2yo before work (she's an early riser).

My brother shared nights with my SIL when their baby was born, despite her breastfeeding for 6 months. There is no right or wrong, we all cope with things differently.

@MrsJBaptiste

Being at home for me was far easier than being at work!

I loved my 6 months of mat leave - baby groups, meeting friends for coffee, seeing my parents, shopping - I struggled to fit those things into the week when back at work.

Same here. I clearly choose the wrong profession.

I EBF and bed shared and my DD who wasn't and still isn't (at 3.5) a great sleeper. Even so I was never as tired with her as a newborn than I was whilst working a full time rotating shift pattern as a paramedic.

Fortunately when I returned to with I went back part time days only

My husbands a surgeon. There's no way hel be able to do the night feeds and go to work okay the next day so I'll be doing them all. I know on the weekends and evenings he'll help loads though. Itl be hard but we have no choice 🤷🏽‍♀️

@EgonSpengler2020

I'm a paramedic and have been driven around at high speed on 12 hour shifts by sleep deprived colleagues after they have been up in the night giving feeds whilst their partner is on maternity leave.

If one parent is working and one is on maternity/paternity leave then the working parent should not be attending work avoidably sleep deprived from caring for their infant at night.

Also been a paramedic after having a baby and it’s not that black and white.

I'm the sah parent and while I appreciate being able to switch off for three/ four hours every evening and do my own thing , I don't take the opportunity to sleep when baby sleeps during the day . I should . He doesn't function well without sleep and needs it to be productive . We share household 50/50

I agree with you too OP. Most jobs outside of home require a high level of concentration. Looking after a newborn doesn't. You go through the motions. The latter might be more emotionally demanding, although stressful job will probably beat it, but it really does come down to the need of concentration and the fact that the SAHP can indeed rest or even sleep with baby. This is not an option at all for the person working.

SAHPs/mums on maternity leave have to drive as well in many cases.

Would you want your older child being driven to school or your baby being driven places by a woman who hasn't slept for more than a few hours in months?

[quote KingdomScrolls]@loulous1985 that's your experience and it's a shame you don't have more support, but you can see a lot of people here don't feel the same way.
I didn't have an easy baby he liked to be held wouldn't sleep on his own, would randomly scream for hours, didn't sleep compartment through the night until after he was two, but walking with a pram listening to podcasts drinking coffee for hours or even pacing with a crying baby over and over were physically tiring and frustrating but I didn't find it mentally taxing. I can't visit a friend while I'm working, I can't get things done around the house , I could put DS in a sling and get in with things, or snuggle on the sofa in a cold rainy day, I could organise things and set reminders on my phone while he was feeding, I could rest when he did even if I couldn't sleep. I didn't have to get my brain into gear and go and deal with the adult world.

I don't think to write off working as a break is helpful for a couple and levels of resentment. The working parent absolutely should be fifty fifty when they are around, but to say as suggested in the OP they take over all parenting responsibilities when they walk through the door is unfair and diminishes the impact of being out at work all day.[/quote]

I didn't say they take over when they walk through the door. I said you do whatever works for your own family set up, and that for some people being at home with a baby is much, much harder than being at work for their own reasons

@YukoandHiro

I'm guessing you're the outside the home parent? Try doing the "inside the home" work for one day and then see how you feel about the idea of doing that on zero sleep endlessly

This

Also what about when the parent on maternity leave goes back to work? Are night wakings then going to be magically shared?

We did what worked for us. Husband used to do last feed at about 11.30 so I could go to bed about 9ish if needed. Then I would get up at 3 for the next feed and I would do the morning feed too. It meant we both got sleep

Dh is able to fall asleep within seconds. After 3am I am wide awake if I am woken for any reason. Despite me being on a long maternity leave of a year with Ds1 we did shift pattern sleeping. 10-2am was me getting up with Ds as I was tired enough to fall back asleep. 2-6am was Dh. That way we both got at least a solid 4 hours of sleep every night.

If you have more than one child there is little chance they sleep at the same time during the day. The female who delivered the baby is also physically recovering from growing a baby inside her.

Parenting is shared, you work out what works well for you without either one feeling resentment. I know plenty of women who could have slept during the day but just couldn't drop off to sleep.

It depends
What job the parent has outside the home.
How both parents cope on broken sleep
How well the baby sleeps

My husband helped me in the night even though I breastfed, sometimes he would take them for a long walk in the pram so I got some extra sleep. But then I had severe anaemia and a baby who woke up 7x a night every night and I literally wouldn't have coped if he hadnt. It's not really fair if one person gets ill through lack of sleep while the other carries on with sleeping normally in ky opinion