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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the parent at home with the baby should do night feeds..

262 replies

bluevelvets · 14/08/2021 12:27

When other parent is working outside home from six am to four pm but then said parent takes over completely until bedtime ?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 14/08/2021 16:33

@bluevelvets

I'm the sah parent and while I appreciate being able to switch off for three/ four hours every evening and do my own thing , I don't take the opportunity to sleep when baby sleeps during the day . I should . He doesn't function well without sleep and needs it to be productive . We share household 50/50
Are you actually out of the way, switched off, not actively parenting for 4 hours every evening doing something you want though. Or are you making dinner. Cleaning up, changing nappies etc. I think of you're literally doing nothing towards parenting/house for 4 hours eveey day you should be doing night wakes
Thethuthinang · 14/08/2021 16:39

I did all the night feeds as I was working from home and breastfeeding while partner was working out. I also got super sick (mastitis, pneumonia) repeatedly due to sleep deprivation tanking my immune system. So in retrospect not the best.

loulous1985 · 14/08/2021 16:43

@Thethuthinang

I did all the night feeds as I was working from home and breastfeeding while partner was working out. I also got super sick (mastitis, pneumonia) repeatedly due to sleep deprivation tanking my immune system. So in retrospect not the best.

Mastitis is absolutely awful, I've had repeated infections due to a shitty immune system.

Original poster
bluevelvets · 14/08/2021 16:46

I leave the house to go walking or meet family or friends .

OP posts:
8dpwoah · 14/08/2021 16:47

Bit difficult for the working parent to do night feeds if the at home parent is EBF, and I believe maternity leave is there for a reason so yes, I did all the night feeds with first and plan to with second. I used to go to bed about 8pm leaving a bottle of expressed milk just in case, I'd then just do the next wakeup whenever that happened after DP had gone to bed about 11pm. He used to have a bit of time with her before he went to work too so I could at least have a hot coffee and a shower before our day at home got going.

But as others have said, what works for on won't suit another.

Goldbar · 14/08/2021 16:49

The thing that interests me is whether men who have done very little for their babies during maternity leave suddenly change their ways and split things 50/50 when the mum goes back to work.

Or is it just men who can't work full-time and care for children (including dealing with night wakings)?

Sceptre86 · 14/08/2021 16:50

I don't know many people who can function on very little sleep, especially for prolonged periods. I disagree with you and in my case my dh would do nights with the baby 3x a week so that I could feel more human. He would also take over when he got in largely but I wasn't just chilling out. I did the majority of the housework because I was home but at the weekend he would take over. It is a hard slog for both partners in the beginning and as long as you are both on the same page it shouldn't cause resentment.

it doesn't really matter what anyone else's set up is if you are happy with your own.

RealBecca · 14/08/2021 16:53

Funny how people, usually men, can go out partying or up half the noght watching tv or shit or their phones and get up for work the next day and hold down jobs but as soon as these things are swapped for childcare the dad needs 8 hours interrupted. Load of shit.

My partner did half the nights and we took naps at the weekend to top up.

Harpydragon · 14/08/2021 16:56

We tried me doing all the night feeds and it just didnt work for us. I couldn't sleep during the day and doing night feeds finished me off. It got to the point where I was unsafe. We ended up splitting the night, my husband did everything up to 3am and I did everything after. It felt like we were both getting a decent run of sleep and worked with our sleep patterns. Bit of a game changer for us

DrCoconut · 14/08/2021 16:59

It depends on the scenario. If the working parent is a eg a coach driver or a surgeon they have to concentrate harder than the person at home. Their job is harder work and they need decent sleep or there is a serious chance that someone could die to be blunt. Being at home with a baby doesn't carry that same level of risk (I'm not counting things like PND here) so it's reasonable to expect the at home person to do night feeds and rest when they can. If the working person has a relatively easy 9 to 5 office type job that's maybe different. Whatever, it's for each family to find what works.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/08/2021 17:17

@bluevelvets

I leave the house to go walking or meet family or friends .
Then yes. I think you should do nights.

Incidentally if you're out the house 3 or 4 hours every working day, and hes coming in from worm and doing baby / house for those hours, when does he get 15-20 hours to hang out with his mates / when do you actually spend time as a couple?

Blendabrethin · 14/08/2021 17:24

Confused no, working outside the home doesn't let you opt out of the hard parts of parenting. You share the sleepless nights. Everyone NEEDS a decent ammount of sleep.

The only caveat to this I think is if the stay at home parent does genuinely get to rest during the day e.g. if they have a baby that reliably naps long enough for them to also nap and no other children or commitments to take care of during that time.

Though this is all a bit hypocritical of me because I bf'd and did all night feeds but I co-slept and often got lie ins to boot.

Nietzschethehiker · 14/08/2021 17:31

As other PP have said there is no should. When my DC were babies Exdh did a 3 hour commute on Central London roads on a motorbike. He couldn't have done that safely on little sleep. Whilst he wasn't the greatest at stepping up, on that particular issue it was reasonable for me to do the night waking and I didn't have an issue with that (it was the sheer laziness kn the evening I had a problem with him about ).

Again , there is no should provided both are happy with the arrangement. That's a good rule for most of parenting outside health and safety , every family works differently and often depending on the current circumstances.

KOKOagainandagain · 14/08/2021 17:55

Well obviously the sahp can sleep during the day when child naps and the working parent can sleep in between bedtime and night duties.

Then both will be well rested and on board.

Just need to schedule the rest and then jobs a good one. Smile

Seriously though there is no ought or should. Some babies are easy, some not so much. And then there are other factors. Parenting is a big test of how you can work together.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 14/08/2021 17:59

I’m very jealous of all of you who had partners who let you have lie-ins on weekends.

Add this to the list of why mine is an EX.

His sleep was ALWAYS more important than mine.

I was allowed to take a 15/20 minute nap before working second shift.

And I considered my extremely stressful very exacting job to be a break.

Recessed · 14/08/2021 18:03

I always think it should be even more important to ensure the parent at home gets sufficient sleep - why would anyone think it's acceptable for a severely sleep deprived person to be left in sole charge of a vulnerable infant? We know defences are low when we're tired, we make mistakes that can have serious consequences, we're much quicker to anger/irritation. Not great when there's a tiny baby to contend with.

There's been campaigns equating driving while tired to be akin to driving while drunk but it's fine for a severely sleep deprived mother to drive her baby around every day?

A mother's sleep should be prioritised where possible IMO.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/08/2021 18:05

In many cases though, driving baby around is a choice. Driving to work rarely is. Yes of course there will be hospital appointments, GP appts etc but the majority of travelling woth an infant is likely to be optional so if you're too exhausted, you don't drive.

Recessed · 14/08/2021 18:06

In many cases though, driving baby around is a choice. Driving to work rarely is. Yes of course there will be hospital appointments, GP appts etc but the majority of travelling woth an infant is likely to be optional so if you're too exhausted, you don't drive.

That would have meant me never leaving my house for three years... I'm not sure that would have been a wise way to mitigate risks to my DC!

TheValeyard · 14/08/2021 18:10

If one parent has to drive to and from work the next day then, from personal experience, being sleep deprived is an unbelievably bad idea.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/08/2021 18:10

Depends. My exh is a train driver so if he was sleep deprived at work it could risk lives. I was a SAHP so I was happy doing all the night feeds. Different families have different set ups.

Goldbar · 14/08/2021 18:11

In many cases though, driving baby around is a choice. Driving to work rarely is. Yes of course there will be hospital appointments, GP appts etc but the majority of travelling woth an infant is likely to be optional so if you're too exhausted, you don't drive.

Well, only in the cases where the baby is the first child. Shock horror, lots of parents have more than one child and a fair number of parents have to drive their older children to school and back.

Where the SAHP driving is a choice (because there is good public transport available, for example), commuting by car is also likely to be a choice.

thegcatsmother · 14/08/2021 18:14

I did the night feeds Sunday to Friday, and dh did Friday and Saturday night. When I was back at work part time, then I got up if ds needed me on my non working days.

Neverrains · 14/08/2021 18:14

@SleepingStandingUp

In many cases though, driving baby around is a choice. Driving to work rarely is. Yes of course there will be hospital appointments, GP appts etc but the majority of travelling woth an infant is likely to be optional so if you're too exhausted, you don't drive.
I had no choice after baby number 1, because the elder siblings had to be taken to the places they needed to be. Like school.
aSofaNearYou · 14/08/2021 18:19

I'd not do it this way. I think it should be based on who is actually feeling the most drained, it could be either as both have tiring days.

Mindyourbusiness22 · 14/08/2021 18:23

Absolutely not, night feeds need to be shared.