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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the parent at home with the baby should do night feeds..

262 replies

bluevelvets · 14/08/2021 12:27

When other parent is working outside home from six am to four pm but then said parent takes over completely until bedtime ?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 15/08/2021 11:52

[quote StarfishDish]@Neverrains I think it would also be bad if I let my husband drive the one hour on the motorway, feeling tired if he'd been up doing night feeds too.[/quote]
Mine drives an hour each way often after a wake up or two. I work long hours, full time and I’m pregnant. We share the night wakes which still average once or twice a night with bed wetting and poor sleeping from our now 3&6 yo. Just like many women go back to work with young children that don’t sleep through. This is normal life for so many people.

Muma1992 · 15/08/2021 11:53

My husband wasn't allowed to be in hospital overnight (covid) when I had my daughter and I very specifically remember being so scared that I would fall asleep and drop her during one night feed, because I was so exhausted Sad

Sleep deprivation can be dangerous for a stay at home mum too

NatalieH2220 · 15/08/2021 11:54

[quote timeisnotaline]@NatalieH2220 how would you feel about that if it meant you never got any sleep at all before 2am at the earliest, often more like 4am for about 7 months? And your toddler gets up at about 6am for the day.

I don’t understand anyone who doesn’t say it depends on the baby and the family situation for these questions.[/quote]
Exactly why I said I might not be so understanding if I didn't have two generally good sleepers.

I can only comment about our situation, what other people decide to do is up to them based on their circumstances

StarfishDish · 15/08/2021 11:56

I never said my husband didn't do the night feeds. Many nights he did the night feeds as I was so exhausted and an absolute emotional wreck. As I said in my first post, its what works best for people.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/08/2021 11:58

YABU. I can't believe anyone who loves their partner would expect them to do months (maybe years) of not getting a full sleep cycle while they get a full night's sleep each night.

The parent who is at home is responsible for the dc 100% while their partner is at work, and 50% outside work hours.

timeisnotaline · 15/08/2021 11:58

I think people who turn around and say my husband actually did do some night feeds because I was tired should not post misleading opinions like the working parent should not do night feeds. It’s so unsupportive to the tired mums out there posting to try and work out what’s fair.

Youseethethingis · 15/08/2021 12:04

DH and I did every other night as in his words "it's better both of us are tired than one of us is exhausted".
However if he was doing 2 hour commutes to then perform open hurt surgery id have replied "better I'm exhausted than someone ends up dead".
Just be sensible and fair about it.

Neverrains · 15/08/2021 12:08

@StarfishDish

I never said my husband didn't do the night feeds. Many nights he did the night feeds as I was so exhausted and an absolute emotional wreck. As I said in my first post, its what works best for people.
So you don’t think the working parent should do the night feeds but your DH did them?
aSofaNearYou · 15/08/2021 12:14

@timeisnotaline

I think people who turn around and say my husband actually did do some night feeds because I was tired should not post misleading opinions like the working parent should not do night feeds. It’s so unsupportive to the tired mums out there posting to try and work out what’s fair.
Agreed.
JaggedLittlePilI · 15/08/2021 14:20

[quote StarfishDish]@Neverrains I think it would also be bad if I let my husband drive the one hour on the motorway, feeling tired if he'd been up doing night feeds too.[/quote]
This thread is so frustrating 😂 Why is this any different to what so many women have to do when they return from mat leave? Yes ideal if it can be avoided, but it's so often presented as such an issue for men, yet never mentioned when women return to work. Same as all these men 'doing open heart surgery'. I know plenty female consultants and their babies didn't all magically sleep through the night when they returned to work but they had to cope.

Agree with all the posters who say it clearly depends on circumstance. I'm currently exclusively breastfeeding a 6m old who is waking 5 times a night so doing all the feeds. I very much expect a lie in or a nap at the weekend wherever possible. (I have the apparently mystical-to-some second child, who no longer naps, so this isn't possible in the week). If my baby was bottle fed, I'd expect my husband to pitch in a bit more.

FTEngineerM · 15/08/2021 14:33

I did all the night feed because we were ebf and even if I expressed I found the uncomfortableness of boobs that hadn’t been drained all night worse than less sleep.

He did however do all night nappy changes, shhing/patting/rocking in the pram, any poo explosions and clothing changes.

There were a few occasions where we wouldn’t wake the other up so he had a few night shifts where he was coming a large area and would have to drive at speed, if I had to do something like a long journey the next day or go to some tiring event with DC then we’d get the whole night.

We found that fair.

Youseethethingis · 15/08/2021 15:02

Same as all these men 'doing open heart surgery'. I know plenty female consultants and their babies didn't all magically sleep through the night when they returned to work but they had to cope
Just to be clear, my reference to open heart surgery was in no way suggesting that all these men are performing heart surgery or similar. "Just having to cope" isn't great if there's a member of the partnership not doing their fair share so not a great argument.
Furthermore, if I were the heart surgery performer of the relationship and my DH was still doing what he does (no scalpels in sight) then I'd expect him to be taking on the majority of the nights when I went back to work.
I had a unicorn baby who slept through from 4 months and has done ever since though so that's all academic anyway.

loulous1985 · 15/08/2021 16:13

[quote timeisnotaline]**@StarfishDish* there is nothing ‘in my experience’ about your statement I don't think the working parent should do nigut feeds as they cant nap during the day.*
Maybe if you’d said in my case I could sleep during the day when baby napped so I could do all the night feeds. You made a general comment about everyone instead. And it makes me mad because I think of all the fragile mums out there barely getting through the day reading this and being told suck it up buttercup, sleep deprivation is a known form of torture to break people but you should do all the night feeds because you’re a mum. When you’re in that boat you’re too tired to be rational. You don’t know how to bring it up with your dh as you can’t tell if you’re overreacting because you know your brain isn’t working and don’t want to say something marriage ending that you might think the biggest mistake of your life in a year when you have some sleep. This message is so harmful to these women.[/quote]

This is a fucking brilliant post and this sleep deprived mum couldn't agree more!

loulous1985 · 15/08/2021 16:15

I have a question for all those "the parent at home gets to nap in the day commenters".

Please tell me how the fuck I can do this when my baby will only nap in my arms, the car, or out in the pram?!

Many thanks.

😂

loulous1985 · 15/08/2021 16:16

That last post came across slightly more aggressively than intended. 😳
Must be the sleep deprivation 😂

FTEngineerM · 15/08/2021 16:16

It’s obvious @loulous1985 you sleep whilst you’re driving.. duh

Tsubasa1 · 15/08/2021 16:17

Depends on the family, so in a way yanbu if that's what you agree on and works

loulous1985 · 15/08/2021 16:18

@FTEngineerM

Silly me. I'll bring my eye mask and spa music for a nice nap next time I'm driving her around😂

PeterCorbeau · 15/08/2021 16:20

I think these threads are honestly pointless because there are so many variables and situations that it's impossible to say that one way is best. You just find a way that works for you as a family. My DH doing night wakings didn't make sense for us, but it does for other people and that's fine. Likewise, my DH taking DD every morning for 2-3 hours doesn't work/isn't possible for other people. As long as everyone is happy as can be and no one is on their knees while the other is fine, then what other people do is irrelevant.

gogohm · 15/08/2021 16:20

I did everything for my kids overnight and during the days but exh would play with them, read to them, bounce them on his shoulder etc and try and let me sleep from 9pm-midnight when he would come to bed too, they coslept so one or two dc, crowded bed! Only I could feed anyway

PeterCorbeau · 15/08/2021 16:23

And yes, even without kids, people sometimes have nights of broken/bad sleep surely and we just have to get on with things, so the odd bad night shouldn't make someone so delirious they crash their car on the way to work - after all, you don't have people taking the day off work because they had a bad night's sleep! Chronic sleep deprivation is something else, but in a healthy partnership ideally no one should have to deal with that, even if you have to do shifts.

gogohm · 15/08/2021 16:23

@loulous1985 I napped with my DD's l, when dd2 was newborn I'd have both of them, then dd1 quit napping about 2&4 months so I would put kids tv on fit an hour. I ca still sleep sitting up in front of tv

Whatnexttoday · 15/08/2021 16:27

It agree it all depends on the family circumstances but the parents should be a team. I admit I have done every single night wake for both kids as breastfeeding and they'd only accept me anyway although at 3 eldest will finally accept DH at night if I'm already settling the baby.

This seemed reasonable initially as I'm retraining and we rely on DH's salary etc but if the kids would settle for him we are the point that we would probably have him do maybe weekends because neither child sleeps through and I haven't had more than about two hours in a row for over three years, which I imagine cumulatively could have a pretty negative effect on my health. I can't nap in the day as eldest no longer naps. As it is though things are manageable and work for us but I can absolutely understand a DH doing some nights in this situation - while a sleep deprived mum might seem more reasonable in the short term when it rolls on to years (especially as most are back to work after nine months or so) it's a bit different

In the example given though the SAHP could sleep between when the DH comes in and bedtime, or use that time for relaxation and go to bed with kids, so it is a bit different

The DH does get some relaxation too, presumably after the kids go to bed

loulous1985 · 15/08/2021 18:29

[quote gogohm]@loulous1985 I napped with my DD's l, when dd2 was newborn I'd have both of them, then dd1 quit napping about 2&4 months so I would put kids tv on fit an hour. I ca still sleep sitting up in front of tv[/quote]

If you're talking about napping with baby in my arms, I'm not comfortable doing that. It doesn't feel safe in case I drop my arms and she rolls onto the floor.

Iggly · 15/08/2021 18:31

I’m not sure why it’s seen as so cut and dry.

Both of my dcs breastfed. DH couldn’t do the night feeds.

What did help was accepting that baby wouldn’t sleep in a cot (it was the getting you and resettling which killed me with dc1) and DH helping in other ways.