To think that the parent at home with the baby should do night feeds..

[bluevelvets]

When other parent is working outside home from six am to four pm but then said parent takes over completely until bedtime ?

@bluevelvets

I'm the sah parent and while I appreciate being able to switch off for three/ four hours every evening and do my own thing , I don't take the opportunity to sleep when baby sleeps during the day . I should . He doesn't function well without sleep and needs it to be productive . We share household 50/50

If you're the SAHP and you think the SAHP should be the one to do all the night wakings, which you are happy to do, what's the point of this thread?

Depends. My DS is EBF so I do all the night feeds. DH (who copes much better on less sleep than I do) changes all the nappies in the night though and cuddles him back to sleep if he needs it. Just do what works for you.

It depends on individual circumstances. I breastfed both of mine so it made sense to do the feeds. DH did the nappy changes before the feeds, he could go straight back to sleep afterwards and it meant that I didn’t have to get out of bed. Both times I used to go to bed early on in the evening when they had their last feed, they’d settle on DH who would then bring baby up when he came to bed. I got a good few hours sleep that way. With DS2, DS1 would get up in the night occasionally and DH would get up with him in the night and when he woke in the morning, which was often 6am ish. “Lie ins” didn’t happen until DS2 was sleeping more solidly.

I think the person on maternity leave should do the majority of the night feeds that's why they are lucky to get leave in the UK unlike America. When we had our dc we were a team. I would express and go to bed early and dh would do the feed at 11 at night then I would do the two during, he was HGD and needed to sleep as he drives.

My sil has one baby and she has my bro doing the night feeds as he can only settle him, then up early in the morning 2 hours before he goes to work so 6.00 to go the gym and then he goes to work whilst she goes to groups, she then leaves baby with him so she has a break when he comes home. She also spends 2 days a week resting at her mother's house whilst she takes care of the baby, personally I think she takes the piss.

I had 2 under 3 and got on with it. At the weekends we each had a sleep in.

So one parent has seven days unbroken sleep a week even if they work outside the home 5 days a work if a traditional job and the other has seven days a week broken sleep. That might work for some voluntarily who can wake and sleep painlessly but seems an unsatisfactory starting point for allocating broken sleep between two parents.

@YukoandHiro

I'm guessing you're the outside the home parent? Try doing the "inside the home" work for one day and then see how you feel about the idea of doing that on zero sleep endlessly

"Inside home work" come on?! Cooking, cleaning, childcare and general house hold duties does not require the same levels of decision making, concentrating or operating heavy machinery or same levels of responsibility as found in many jobs outside the home (I'm not saying all jobs before I'm accused of having something against STAHMs - I have a lot of respect for them)

The parent who will be home all day the next day should do the night feeds, as they can catch up on sleep in the day if they want.

Presuming your baby naps. Mine never did and I was awake every night breastfeeding.
DH would let me lie in at weekends to help me catch up on sleep.
Parent working out of the home should be doing this at weekends

Varies what works

Yes the working parent could do the 6/7 bedtime feed and dream feed 10/11 then sleep weekdays till gets up for work

While at home parent sleeps 8/9 till baby wakes after df so 1/2/3am and does feeds and naps daytime

Then Saturday night working parent does the night shift and other gets full nights sleep

This obv only works if baby is mixed feeding or bottle only

How old is baby ? Broken nights won’t be forever, esp if baby in a routine

YANBU. When I was on maternity leave I did every night time feed because I was breastfeeding. But even if I hadn’t been I would have some all the weekday ones, and maybe got DH to do one at the weekend. I was at home, I could rest during the day. DH has to be alert for his job.

@DixonD

What if they have other kids so can’t catch up on sleep during the day?

I don't think it's necessarily wrong. Plenty of women do every feed when they're breastfeeding and it's fine. I guess it might be more tiring if you have to get up and make a bottle, rather than just whack a boob out, but it's got to be what works for the family.

What’s it to you what other people ‘ought’ to do….🙄!!! Crikey. Mind your own beeswax.

There isn’t any ‘should’ about it . Each family can choose what’s right for them.
I did most of the night feeds. If I was on my knees with exhaustion DH would do some so I could get some sleep. I find any arrangement where one parent is expected to survive on very little sleep while the other has uninterrupted nights us a bit ‘off’, but each to their own.

I didn’t expect DH to do any when he had work the next day and we split the weekend a night each. The person home isn’t working so much easier for them.

I think it’s situational. Think if you were in the situation your child had a brain tumour, was having long complex surgery and beforehand the neurosurgeon (either female or male) says ‘I’m a bit shattered, was up all night with the baby’, you would probably think WTAF. Of course a neurosurgeon would not say this but you get the point. Same if it was a long distance truck driver or any other occupation where it could be dangerous/fatal if the person was not well rested to do their job. To be fair, it’s a minority of jobs but I would never jump in with a 50/50 rule without knowing what either parent had on the next day.

I was a sahp, and I co slept with my dc. The night feed was a breeze. I never felt like I had no sleep, baby wakes up, fed him in bed(ebf), back to sleep.

Who does the night didn't even come up as convo. But if I didn't ebf, still I would have done the night feed, since dh would be going to work without proper sleep if he did, while I can have a nap with baby if I wanted to.

@bluevelvets

I'm the sah parent and while I appreciate being able to switch off for three/ four hours every evening and do my own thing , I don't take the opportunity to sleep when baby sleeps during the day . I should . He doesn't function well without sleep and needs it to be productive . We share household 50/50

I take it this is your first child? Not sure if you want our support or if you are stating what you think all families should do, but your OP came across as the latter. Funnily enough, life is different for different people and different ways of doing things work in different households. Given that a SAHP with older children can't sleep during the day, suggesting that that parent never have a full night's sleep for potentially a year or more won't go down well with everyone. It's also interesting that men (well it's usually men) can't possibly be expected to hold down a job on anything less than a perfect night's sleep, and yet many women end up working whilst still breastfeeding through the night when their maternity leave ends.

Really depends on the family. Parent at home isn’t sat around all day doing nothing. When I had a newborn and an 18 month old my husband and I took turns to get up in the night as he recognised that I needed to get some sleep to be able to function and look after both children during the day.

In that scenario the SAHP would do the night feeds every night their partner is working, and then the days off they have the working partner would do them. Any annual leave would be an equal split.

If you start work at 6am you’d probably be getting up at 5, if not earlier, so it would be incredibly unfair to have them up when they’re probably not getting a whole lot of sleep. Plus even if your baby doesn’t sleep during the day, you can still sit on the sofa and “switch off” a bit as opposed to being in work.

I’m all for 50:50 parenting but someone going to work that early not getting ample sleep is a dangerous situation if it wasn’t a very short term thing (ie one or two nights)

I did week night feeds, DH did weekends. Worked for us. That's all that matters.

Both parents need to do their fair share. The parent looking after the baby all day will be just as knackered as the one who goes out to work... even more so if they're doing all the nights.

Unless one of the parents is a surgeon though... it's probably important that they sleep!

@DixonD

I agree with you OP. Why should the parent who is going to work have to get up in the night? The parent who will be home all day the next day should do the night feeds, as they can catch up on sleep in the day if they want. Why anyone would think otherwise is quite frankly selfish and beyond me. Would anyone really want their other half driving when sleep deprived?

I did every single night feed for ours. I wouldn’t have it any other way; I certainly did not feel aggrieved because my husband didn’t do any. He was going off to work the next day.

And even more shocking, I did all the housework and cooked him dinner for when he got home! 🤣

Do sahp never drive anywhere then?

I'm amazed at all these fathers who think it's fine for their wives/partners who may only have slept a couple of hours a night for months on end to drive their children around? Do they not care about their children's safety?

Most of us can deal with a couple of nights' broken sleep. It's the cumulative effect of night after night of never sleeping more than a few hours which destroys you. Imagine going through that and the person who is meant to love you and have your back just lets you endure it and does nothing.

It is different for every family. Depends on how many kids, how much the baby wakes up, breast fed or bottle fed, what job the other parent does, what hours they do etc.