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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the parent at home with the baby should do night feeds..

262 replies

bluevelvets · 14/08/2021 12:27

When other parent is working outside home from six am to four pm but then said parent takes over completely until bedtime ?

OP posts:
KingdomScrolls · 14/08/2021 13:10

@loulous1985 short you seen to have had a tough time, but having done both my work is far more taxing than being at home with my baby was, although that was both boring and tiring at times. All of the things you've listed I really don't think are mentally complex, it's just a lot of things to remember, but I guess it depends what you do for work. If I get my job wrong people's lives and public safety are at risk

GoldenOmber · 14/08/2021 13:10

I never did this carrying around all day though so they were quite content to be put down

You never did this carrying around day because yours were content to be put down.

KingdomScrolls · 14/08/2021 13:10

*sorry

AllAroundTheWorldYeah · 14/08/2021 13:10

In the week, yes, but the working parent should do them on Friday and Saturday nights. Well that's what we do anyway.

SummerHouse · 14/08/2021 13:10

I did all the night feeds. Frankly, DP was utterly incapable of it. He just couldn't function. Not saying this is right, just showing off about my superhuman, night feeding ability.

DP did other stuff that I am rubbish at. I would hand a baby to him as soon as he was back from work. Some days I was literally waiting on the driveway. And we always shared lie in opportunities.

Chocolatebuttercream · 14/08/2021 13:11

@smittenkittten that's quite a sweeping statement! My children would not sleep unless being pushed in the buggy, so I could never sleep in the day. And neither can anyone with more than one child at home.

loulous1985 · 14/08/2021 13:12

[quote KingdomScrolls]@loulous1985 short you seen to have had a tough time, but having done both my work is far more taxing than being at home with my baby was, although that was both boring and tiring at times. All of the things you've listed I really don't think are mentally complex, it's just a lot of things to remember, but I guess it depends what you do for work. If I get my job wrong people's lives and public safety are at risk[/quote]

My paid job is a very demanding role in a hospital setting, which is hugely mentally and emotionally draining. But being a mum right now is by the hardest thing I've ever done. For a start, I have a team at work who have my back and who I can bounce ideas off and get support from when the shit hits the fan. At home alone for long stretches I have no one. I find this way, way tougher

twinningatlife · 14/08/2021 13:12

Do what works for you BUT I don't believe if you are on maternity leave that night feeds should be shared at all. The baby is your "job" if you like - best will in the world caring for a baby on little sleep is different to going to work on little sleep

I'm back at work and do the night feeds for my twins - I cope better / am a nicer person on little sleep. It works for us. I get the lie ins every weekend. It doesn't bother me and I don't feel resentful

eeyore228 · 14/08/2021 13:12

My DH is a nurse, I felt with his shifts and changeovers that I needed to crack on. He often wouldn’t even be at home as he was on nights. Additionally doing that sort of job, he cannot make mistakes because it might cause serious harm to someone and using sleep as a reason isn’t acceptable. No one here would accept that and I wouldn’t put someone in that position. If he worked an office job I think my expectations would be different but I think one blanket approach doesn’t work for everyone. It depends on the jobs we all do and the family dynamic.

loulous1985 · 14/08/2021 13:13

@KingdomScrolls

If I get my job wrong people could die. So I get that type of pressure, I do. But I still find being a mum full time at the moment much harder.

EgonSpengler2020 · 14/08/2021 13:14

I'm a paramedic and have been driven around at high speed on 12 hour shifts by sleep deprived colleagues after they have been up in the night giving feeds whilst their partner is on maternity leave.

If one parent is working and one is on maternity/paternity leave then the working parent should not be attending work avoidably sleep deprived from caring for their infant at night.

MattyGroves · 14/08/2021 13:14

I can't imagine seeing my spouse exhausted and refusing to help and insisting on my undisturbed 8 hours.

I have been on maternity leave and done night wakings, I have worked a full time high pressure job and done night wakings. Both are tiring! But I found working probably a smidge easier because I got a mental break from baby. Sharing the nights is the way forward. We did half the night each and a full night off once a week each.

loulous1985 · 14/08/2021 13:16

But I found working probably a smidge easier because I got a mental break from baby.

Exactly this. This is why I'm struggling - there's no mental or emotional break. It feels relentless day and night.

Samafe · 14/08/2021 13:16

Since I exclusively Breastfed, I did every single feed, including night feeds. When I was back to work I expressed milk so in theory DH could do the night feeds, but at that time the baby was sleeping through the night so there was no need

loulous1985 · 14/08/2021 13:19

I think it also hugely depends on what your support network looks like at home with baby. Most people at work have a team around them, they might have high pressured roles, but they're in it with others and they've got support (mostly). If you're at home with a baby and your family / friend support network is non existent the days can feel excruciatingly lonely, and any challenges you come up against, who is there to bounce ideas off and say "can you just help me with this please?". No one. That for me is what makes this way, way harder.

Ponoka7 · 14/08/2021 13:19

There isn't a 'should' in this situation. I bf, so I did all night feeds. My DH'S job was very physical, so I would have done even if I didn't bf. He pitched in with housework and used to take our other children out of a weekend.
I went back to work when my youngest was 18 months. I often went to work having been up in the night. So you can do some jobs on broken sleep. People go to work after drinking till early hours. It's no different. There should be a fair balance of sleep, or downtime.

girlmom21 · 14/08/2021 13:20

@EgonSpengler2020

I'm a paramedic and have been driven around at high speed on 12 hour shifts by sleep deprived colleagues after they have been up in the night giving feeds whilst their partner is on maternity leave.

If one parent is working and one is on maternity/paternity leave then the working parent should not be attending work avoidably sleep deprived from caring for their infant at night.

This is different. Paramedics work shifts. Your colleagues and their partners should work out the balance on their days on and off.

These decisions should be made with everyone's safety in mind.
I hope you reported your colleagues who weren't in a position to be driving because ultimately people could die as a result.

Wobblz1 · 14/08/2021 13:21

@TheRabbitStoleMyHat

Why is there this assumption that you can catch up on sleep during the day? That doesn’t happen when you have an older child. And my eldest only had two 20 minutes naps a day as a baby. So not much time to catch up there.
This.

If only catching up on sleep in the day was a distinct possibility for everybody Confused

If I tried to catch up on sleep during the day when my baby is born, my disabled older child would end up hurting himself somehow.

KingdomScrolls · 14/08/2021 13:22

@loulous1985 that's your experience and it's a shame you don't have more support, but you can see a lot of people here don't feel the same way.
I didn't have an easy baby he liked to be held wouldn't sleep on his own, would randomly scream for hours, didn't sleep compartment through the night until after he was two, but walking with a pram listening to podcasts drinking coffee for hours or even pacing with a crying baby over and over were physically tiring and frustrating but I didn't find it mentally taxing. I can't visit a friend while I'm working, I can't get things done around the house , I could put DS in a sling and get in with things, or snuggle on the sofa in a cold rainy day, I could organise things and set reminders on my phone while he was feeding, I could rest when he did even if I couldn't sleep. I didn't have to get my brain into gear and go and deal with the adult world.

I don't think to write off working as a break is helpful for a couple and levels of resentment. The working parent absolutely should be fifty fifty when they are around, but to say as suggested in the OP they take over all parenting responsibilities when they walk through the door is unfair and diminishes the impact of being out at work all day.

AllAroundTheWorldYeah · 14/08/2021 13:22

@loulous1985

I think it also hugely depends on what your support network looks like at home with baby. Most people at work have a team around them, they might have high pressured roles, but they're in it with others and they've got support (mostly). If you're at home with a baby and your family / friend support network is non existent the days can feel excruciatingly lonely, and any challenges you come up against, who is there to bounce ideas off and say "can you just help me with this please?". No one. That for me is what makes this way, way harder.
This is why I'm so grateful that DH has been wfh this last 18 months! It's made having 2 under 2 completely manageable!
SpnBaby1967 · 14/08/2021 13:22

Eh?

Both parents, are, well, parents! Both can do all "duties" related to having a child irrelevant of working outside the home etc.

I think the only time there may be an argument is if sleep deprivation would be dangerous to their job, lorry drivers, emergency response drivers to think of a couple but even then that is not a black and white situation.

I note the OP has not come back. Didnt get the answer they wanted clearly

KatherineOfGaunt · 14/08/2021 13:25

I was breastfeeding and did all the night wakings AND I was going out to work full-time. DH was a SAHP.

One size does not fit all.

JustLyra · 14/08/2021 13:25

It totally depends on the circumstances - if, and it's often a big if, sleep can be caught up on during the day then the SAHP should do the bulk of the nights, but the weekends/days off should be split as it's not fair the one person gets all the interrupted sleep.

However, if sleep can't be caught up with during the day (other children, baby doesn't sleep) then there needs to be a split found.

DH had to do some of the nights with our youngest. When he was at work I had to deal with school runs, older children, endless appointments for the baby and a baby that needed significant care. There's no way I could have done that safely whilst doing all of the night wakings solo.

woodfort · 14/08/2021 13:25

Just depends what works for your family.

I’ve done all of them because of breastfeeding. During maternity leave I would nap with the baby during the day (co-sleeping) but after the baby was 1 and I went back to work obviously I couldn’t nap during the day anymore but I still did the night feeds and it worked out fine.

MrsJBaptiste · 14/08/2021 13:26

Being at home for me was far easier than being at work!

I loved my 6 months of mat leave - baby groups, meeting friends for coffee, seeing my parents, shopping - I struggled to fit those things into the week when back at work.

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