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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have seen a very ugly side to my 'friend'

188 replies

Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 22:25

I would be very interested to hear how you wise and knowing ladies would deal with a friend who did this to your child (DS in my case) when you're on a short stay with her and her DS and under her roof:

Shreaking at my DS at full volume to do some heavy lifting for her (relating to her work) when he was already working for her. Her DS was doing nothing and just standing around on his phone.

Shreaking at my DS but kindly telling her DS to exit a venue at a different entrance (not relevant but they were going in the right direction anyway).

Both of our DS's were doing a sport that could hurt them if they weren't wearing appropriate clothing. Her DS had thick layers on, yet she kept telling me (3 possibly 4 times) that my DS would be ok with a thin top on.

My DS sleeping (badly) on the floor for 5 nights in her DS's room and her not asking her DS to let him have the bed for not even 1 night.

There are a few other things that I haven't mentioned.

'Friend' is under immense pressure with work and living with very difficult parents, albeit a very large house with space and land etc.

We have been friends for 15 years and this has completely put me off her, so much so that I am considering ending our relationship.

Am I being unreasonable and what would you do or say to someone like this if you were in my position. I was completely taken off-guard as it came from out of nowhere. I was a couple of hundred miles away from home and under her roof?

My DS is very laid back and fine about it, but I am not happy that she chose my DS as her personal whipping boy/scape goat.

I would never treat her DS or any of my DS's friends so badly.

Her DS goes to a private school and I know she wouldn't speak to any of her DS's school mates like that ever.

So over to you and thank you for your comments good or bad - they are all welcome and sorry it was so long!

OP posts:
NotableTree · 13/08/2021 22:27

We’re you present at all these incidents? I’m assuming so, if you say your DS wasn’t bothered by them, so presumably wouldn’t have told you?

NotableTree · 13/08/2021 22:28

Sorry WERE you present, I meant.

Neolara · 13/08/2021 22:28

I'd probably go home early. I may tell her why, depending on context, or I might just make up an excuse. I'd never go stay with her again.

Original poster
Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 22:29

...forgot to mention she turned on me very sharply/rudely a couple of times. I can take it/handle it rightly or wrongly, but when it is sprung on my DS, it's a very different matter.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 13/08/2021 22:29

She sounds like a dick.

WorldsBestBoss · 13/08/2021 22:30

I would leave wherever I was (probably make an excuse) then let myself calm down and tell her the truth.

WorldsBestBoss · 13/08/2021 22:30

Honestly life is too short to waste time on people like this. Don't prolong the misery.

FrancescaContini · 13/08/2021 22:31

Why are you still there? I’d have left ages ago and not subjected my kids to her.

Original poster
Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 22:33

Thanks Neolara - that's what I'm thinking (just so sad to end a relatively long and before this good friendship).

@ Noteable yes I was present, but her horrible manner completely made me freeze because it took me unaware.

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 13/08/2021 22:33

I think you just need to be direct with her about this.

“I’ve heard you speak harshly to my DS. The other day you said xyz to him. I don’t like the way your talking to him”.

She can either do something about it or if not then yes let the friendship go.

Also why are you letting a friend snap and be shitty with you. Once or twice maybe under some extenuating circumstances, but someone who treats you badly isn’t a friend.

TellySavalashairbrush · 13/08/2021 22:33

My bags would already be packed. Friendships can change and it’s clear yours has run its course. Go home and let your son have his bed again.

boatyardblues · 13/08/2021 22:33

You say she’s really stressed with work. I’m not excusing her rudeness at all, but was your stay a further burden for her? Maybe something that left her feeling overwhelmed?

Wingedharpy · 13/08/2021 22:34

Did you not ask what the sleeping arrangements would be before you went to visit her?

PurpleDaisies · 13/08/2021 22:34

We have been friends for 15 years and this has completely put me off her, so much so that I am considering ending our relationship.

Has she ever behaved like this before? If it’s a big change, I’d be worried about her. I wouldn’t be spending time with her with your kids and I’d be having a heart to heart ASAP.

How old are the kids? Shouting at your son was unprofessional. The rest of it might be something they could be managing between themselves depending on their maturity.

Merryoldgoat · 13/08/2021 22:34

Why are you staying at someone’s house when there obviously isn’t proper provision for you and your son?

Original poster
Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 22:35

Thank you all - it really helps me to put it into perspective.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 13/08/2021 22:35

When did this happen?

VaguelyInteresting · 13/08/2021 22:36

This is all very odd. Why haven’t you intervened?

EmeraldShamrock · 13/08/2021 22:36

It sounds out of character however yanbu she has no right to shout at DS also having a guest sleep on a hard floor for 5 nights is awful.

Wingedharpy · 13/08/2021 22:36

Did she invite you both or did you invite yourselves?

BungleandGeorge · 13/08/2021 22:39

Why was your son on a ‘short stay’ with her? Were you also present?

NotableTree · 13/08/2021 22:40

Ok, you were there, so why didn’t you do something? For instance, presumably you insisted on your child wearing layers for the sport? Is your DS quite young? I’m confused because the wearing layers stuff sounds like he’s too young to dress himself appropriately for an activity, but the ‘heavy lifting’ relating to her work sounds as if he’s a young adult or not far off?

abw94 · 13/08/2021 22:45

What was the reason for you stopping? Was it to see her as she lived so far away?
Also, how old are the children in question?

I assume you live a distance (?) so when home I'd try and slow contact. If you're happy to confront her I would put her straight that her attitude was vile towards DS and she took it out on you. She may not have noticed what she was doing if she's under pressure (although no excuse!) if she doesn't see the error in her ways I'd cut the contact.

Original poster
Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 22:45

So to answer generally - hopefully it will cover all/most of your questions.

Our DS's are 14 years old.

She invited us - I said on a couple of occasions was she sure with so much going on with her parents and business. (Historically we always go to her DS's birthday party.

It happened last week.

I didn't know the sleeping arrangements would be so bad because it is a fairly big house, but it transpired her parents are taking up a lot of space.

I pathetically didn't say anything because I was so shocked and completely taken off guard.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 13/08/2021 22:48

When you say your son slept on the floor do you mean directly on the carpet? Couldn’t he have shared with you? I think the norm is to offer to take an air bed and sleeping bag with you. I don’t think you should expect her son to give up his bed for another child. If he was on the floor couldn’t you have nipped out and bought him a camping mattress?
Did your friend invite you both for 5 nights?