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Original poster

I have seen a very ugly side to my 'friend'

188 replies

Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 22:25

I would be very interested to hear how you wise and knowing ladies would deal with a friend who did this to your child (DS in my case) when you're on a short stay with her and her DS and under her roof:

Shreaking at my DS at full volume to do some heavy lifting for her (relating to her work) when he was already working for her. Her DS was doing nothing and just standing around on his phone.

Shreaking at my DS but kindly telling her DS to exit a venue at a different entrance (not relevant but they were going in the right direction anyway).

Both of our DS's were doing a sport that could hurt them if they weren't wearing appropriate clothing. Her DS had thick layers on, yet she kept telling me (3 possibly 4 times) that my DS would be ok with a thin top on.

My DS sleeping (badly) on the floor for 5 nights in her DS's room and her not asking her DS to let him have the bed for not even 1 night.

There are a few other things that I haven't mentioned.

'Friend' is under immense pressure with work and living with very difficult parents, albeit a very large house with space and land etc.

We have been friends for 15 years and this has completely put me off her, so much so that I am considering ending our relationship.

Am I being unreasonable and what would you do or say to someone like this if you were in my position. I was completely taken off-guard as it came from out of nowhere. I was a couple of hundred miles away from home and under her roof?

My DS is very laid back and fine about it, but I am not happy that she chose my DS as her personal whipping boy/scape goat.

I would never treat her DS or any of my DS's friends so badly.

Her DS goes to a private school and I know she wouldn't speak to any of her DS's school mates like that ever.

So over to you and thank you for your comments good or bad - they are all welcome and sorry it was so long!

OP posts:
Subbaxeo · 15/08/2021 10:55

@kumquat365 I think it was because you put friend in inverted commas-that’s normally quite pejorative. You also described how some of your guests annoy you by getting huffy if you speak harshly. Yes, it’s irritating when someone uses the hot water, but I tend to give teens timers now! And people can make clear their annoyance without shrieking at guests. You then told the OP you didn’t like the sound of her.

kumquat365 · 15/08/2021 11:39

Yes, it's true. I don't like the sound of women who describe other women as 'shrieking' and I'm not keen on the kind of people who stand silently by at the time and then vent their spleen on a public message board. And I put 'friend' in inverted commas because I didn't think the OP sounded like a true friend. A true friend would say 'Are you okay, doll? You're not being your normal self.'

Because of where I live I get a lot of visitors and often enjoy having them. I'm a decent host who looks after people well and tries to give them a good time, but it can be a pita trying to meet everyone's needs. I'm often having to act as entertainments officer, tour guide, chef, chauffeur and deputy mum and the stress of trying to keep everyone happy and making sure everyone is in the right place at the right time wearing the right things does make me want to scream at certain moments.

So my default sympathy is with the friend who is having to share a house with two difficult parents and could almost certainly do without 'friends' like the OP at the moment. OP's son sounds nice, though, and I hope he had fun with his mate.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 15/08/2021 11:45

I'm overly protective if anyone screamed at my child in my presence I know I'd kick off 100%

Oogachuckachopsy · 15/08/2021 12:37

I've left them on the beach with a driftwood fire, making dampers and looking for shooting stars, while I've come back to the house to hose down the wetsuits, make overnight oats for tomorrow's breakfast and look for ideas for what to do tomorrow because the weather forecast is worse than expected. Being a good host is ruddy hard work.

Which is the emoji for ‘boasting smugly’? 😬

kumquat365 · 15/08/2021 13:33

If you've ever hosed down wetsuits you wouldn't consider that a boast. And you'll be pleased to know they didn't want the oats this morning.

kumquat365 · 15/08/2021 13:36

Oh, and the shooting stars is because this is the end of the Perseid meteor season. It's what everyone round here was out doing last night.

Subbaxeo · 15/08/2021 13:38

@kumquat365 yes it can be a pain trying to keep everyone happy. I was mortified last weekend when my son brought his new girlfriend to visit and said she wanted to see some Welsh countryside. I took them on a steep, hilly, windy walk that seemed to last for ever when I kind of think she meant a gentle stroll through some woods! She ended up with blisters (after borrowing some boots) and earache but it was my fault for not checking expectations😊. My family won’t let me forget😆. It’s also a pain trying to cater for everyone food wise, although I have to say most people appreciate it and treat us to a nice pub meal to say thank you. I do think, though, that the saying is true that visitors are like fish-lovely when fresh but go off after 3 days!

billy1966 · 15/08/2021 13:41

@kumquat365

If you've ever hosed down wetsuits you wouldn't consider that a boast. And you'll be pleased to know they didn't want the oats this morning.
Too right, I did years of it when mine were small, plus the showering of them all...

Hard work summer holidays.

You are so generous doing all that entertaining.

I was very vague as to where out holiday home is as so many thought they would visit as we would be board🙄.

Strictly only the very, very cloest of friends.

I had enough with my own, and had zero interest in the mass catering required.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 15/08/2021 13:56

Are you mute?

This is all very easily sorted by using your voice.

"The bean bag is really uncomfortable do you have any cushions or a camping mat?"

"Please don't speak to my son like that"

kumquat365 · 15/08/2021 14:53

[quote Subbaxeo]@kumquat365 yes it can be a pain trying to keep everyone happy. I was mortified last weekend when my son brought his new girlfriend to visit and said she wanted to see some Welsh countryside. I took them on a steep, hilly, windy walk that seemed to last for ever when I kind of think she meant a gentle stroll through some woods! She ended up with blisters (after borrowing some boots) and earache but it was my fault for not checking expectations😊. My family won’t let me forget😆. It’s also a pain trying to cater for everyone food wise, although I have to say most people appreciate it and treat us to a nice pub meal to say thank you. I do think, though, that the saying is true that visitors are like fish-lovely when fresh but go off after 3 days![/quote]
Glad to see others who understand how difficult it can be to give people a good time and meet needs and expectations of all involved. And particularly when you're dealing with two generations which may have different requirements.

Know what you mean about trying to gauge expectations. We've got glorious coastal walking round here and I've blithely led people on six-mile clifftop walks when actually when they said they fancied a walk it turned out they meant a 15-minute walk on a tarmac path from the NT car park, followed by the afternoon in the pub with the lovely view...

LoverOfAllThingsPurple · 15/08/2021 17:24

I would have shreaked right back at her to mind her damn manners when speaking to my child and packed my stuff n left with him. Don’t tolerate poor treatment OP!

FreddieMercurysCat · 15/08/2021 17:38

I’d talk to her first and tell her your concerns and that it’s not ok. If she isn’t happy with it then I’d walk away.

Thyme2Dance · 15/08/2021 17:48

How you react will depend on how much you value your friendship. Whilst you are angry and confused right now, you may well feel differently in a few weeks time. If you end this longstanding friendship now, when you are high on emotion, you could live to regret it. I would have reacted just like you, it’s not pathetic, but polite and it’s good that you take time to think about situations and not to react with emotion. I and would have been quiet and a bit shocked at seeing this new side to your friend. The good thing is that your DS wasn’t concerned, so why are you so wound up? I would leave it a while to let the dust settle. Try and keep in loose contact and when you feel that her life is in a better place, then mention it, if you still want to and if you feel it is necessary to move forward with your friendship. You know she is under stress and by cutting off the friendship you will only put her in a worse position.

Kanaloa · 15/08/2021 17:48

Well you should have stopped her immediately when she started shrieking and said ‘please don’t shout at my son like that.’ If she continued you should have taken him home.

You could have said ‘so shall the boys swap tonight so ds gets the bed’ or you could have suggested ds slept on the sofa.

When she told you your ds would be fine in just a thin top you could have said ‘well why is your ds not wearing a thin top too?’

It sounds like you’re very passive when treated poorly, you didn’t have to just mutely tolerate this.

CallmeBadJanet · 15/08/2021 17:57

@Notmoresugar Sounds like she’s really stressed and using your DS to take it out on, rather than directly on you. Completely out of order, abusive behaviour, either way. I’d leave ASAP, tell her she seems under a lot of pressure and why you don’t talk when things are calmer. At that (calmer) point tell her you won’t tolerate her treating your DS like shit and she can make a choice. Apologise to him and be more respectful or repeat this behaviour and risk losing the friendship. Don’t know your ages but approaching midlife/midlife does funny to friendships.

Rachand23 · 15/08/2021 17:58

OP Some friendships run their course, I know it’s sad when you’ve known them for a long time, but I think you need to distance yourself from her now. If after a time she asks why tell her the truth, but once that’s be said it will probably really be the end.

CallmeBadJanet · 15/08/2021 18:00

@Notmoresugar Does funny things to friendships. Does funny things to grammar too Hmm

Owl55 · 15/08/2021 18:42

Did you invite yourself to stay and she was feeling under pressure but didn’t like to say no?

Mollymoostoo · 15/08/2021 18:48

@Notmoresugar

...forgot to mention she turned on me very sharply/rudely a couple of times. I can take it/handle it rightly or wrongly, but when it is sprung on my DS, it's a very different matter.
I would politely state that as she has snapped at you and DS several times, you can see this is not the right time to be there and so you will leave in the morning. Me personally, I would have brought this up the first time it happened. My mum never stood up for us when we were being treated badly by other adults as she was too worried about how the adults would feel. I hate her for not putting us first.
Mollymoostoo · 15/08/2021 18:49

@Kanaloa

Well you should have stopped her immediately when she started shrieking and said ‘please don’t shout at my son like that.’ If she continued you should have taken him home.

You could have said ‘so shall the boys swap tonight so ds gets the bed’ or you could have suggested ds slept on the sofa.

When she told you your ds would be fine in just a thin top you could have said ‘well why is your ds not wearing a thin top too?’

It sounds like you’re very passive when treated poorly, you didn’t have to just mutely tolerate this.

This ^
daisychain01 · 15/08/2021 18:51

'Friend' is under immense pressure with work and living with very difficult parents, albeit a very large house with space and land etc

And? That doesn't give her license to be a complete arse to you and your DS.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 15/08/2021 18:56

Her shrieking at your son is not ok.
The sleep issue is a non-issue. My teens have lots of friends who crash on the bedroom floor and I frequently did this at their age - we forget how supple and pain free we are at that age. I can’t see why her son would give up his bed or be expected to.
I’d say just don’t stay there again.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 15/08/2021 18:57

[quote Notmoresugar]@PurpleDaisies
No not misleading at all.
My DS is 6ft 3 inch

You try sleeping on a bean bag when you're that tall.[/quote]
He’s 6’3” at 14?

Hertsgirl10 · 15/08/2021 19:16

I voted YANBU but you are because you watched everything and didn’t stick up for your kid once or just go home?

Why did you let someone treat your kid like that? You froze? I would have flipped at her never mind keep freezing, seems like you need to letting your friend talk to you and your son like shit. Ending the friendship is the easy/wimps way out, have it out with her and set some boundaries for the future.

And don’t let your son sleep on a floor (badly) where ever you’re staying.

Quirrelsotherface · 15/08/2021 19:28

She sounds an absolute arsehole but I would have done the following:

  1. Pulled her up on it every time she mistreated my DS.
  1. Brought a camp bed / roll up mattress with me. If not, I would have bought one after the first night as I wouldn't have allowed my 14 yo to be uncomfortable for a second night.
  1. As your friends behaviour was shitty I'd have left after 2 days - 3 at most.

You could've helped yourself a lot here OP. Save yourself further trouble by politely telling her now to fuck off.