I have seen a very ugly side to my 'friend'

[Notmoresugar]

I would be very interested to hear how you wise and knowing ladies would deal with a friend who did this to your child (DS in my case) when you're on a short stay with her and her DS and under her roof:

Shreaking at my DS at full volume to do some heavy lifting for her (relating to her work) when he was already working for her. Her DS was doing nothing and just standing around on his phone.

Shreaking at my DS but kindly telling her DS to exit a venue at a different entrance (not relevant but they were going in the right direction anyway).

Both of our DS's were doing a sport that could hurt them if they weren't wearing appropriate clothing. Her DS had thick layers on, yet she kept telling me (3 possibly 4 times) that my DS would be ok with a thin top on.

My DS sleeping (badly) on the floor for 5 nights in her DS's room and her not asking her DS to let him have the bed for not even 1 night.

There are a few other things that I haven't mentioned.

'Friend' is under immense pressure with work and living with very difficult parents, albeit a very large house with space and land etc.

We have been friends for 15 years and this has completely put me off her, so much so that I am considering ending our relationship.

Am I being unreasonable and what would you do or say to someone like this if you were in my position. I was completely taken off-guard as it came from out of nowhere. I was a couple of hundred miles away from home and under her roof?

My DS is very laid back and fine about it, but I am not happy that she chose my DS as her personal whipping boy/scape goat.

I would never treat her DS or any of my DS's friends so badly.

Her DS goes to a private school and I know she wouldn't speak to any of her DS's school mates like that ever.

So over to you and thank you for your comments good or bad - they are all welcome and sorry it was so long!

Is she perhaps jealous of your dc in some way? Adults are fully capable of channeling nastiness at kids, and teens, this way. I've seen it happen. Just distance from her. She may live to regret how obvious she was being. But there are no guarantees

Not paint balling.

It's air shooting with rifles in a very intensive indoor setting with lots of different rooms and obstacles.

It was for her DS's birthday.

If the ex-army organizers strict rules were not followed it could have potentially been very dangerous.

I didn't know what it was or that it even existed prior to this.

Despite her forcefully/insisting that my DS would be absolutely fine in his thin top (at her house and even at the venue itself!), I gave my DS another thicker layer to go over his thin top.

@kumquat365

In a few hours my 'friend' and her two teenage children will be arriving to stay with me. One of them will have to sleep on a camping mattress on the floor or on the sofa because although I have two spare beds (both doubles) apparently they can't share a room, let alone a bed. My sofa bed is okay but designed for occasional use.

We will be body-boarding and surfing if the weather is good enough and we'll also probably do a big walk around the coast and possibly some rock climbing. There's the possibility of other activities too. I asked them to bring appropriate gear but I don't know if they will. I've had a guest turn up with a baby to stay for three nights with only two pretty, flimsy changes of clothing and half the number of nappies needed, so it's always difficult to judge.

We have a limited amount of hot water in the tank here for showers in the morning. I will warn them in advance, but if one of the teens takes a 30-minute hot shower (as they did last time they visited) I may well shout at them. And if one of the teens eats a large packet of ham or an entire loaf without informing me (I said he could have some toast if he was hungry) I may also say something sharp. Because I've planned lunches and dinners and I'm paying for everything.

I really, really don't like passive aggressive people who come and stay with me, say nothing in the moment and then days or weeks later get huffy with me because of something I did in the moment for good reason.

I don't like the sound of you, OP. You sound like the kind of person who'll find fault with anything anyone does.

I just don’t know where to start on this one. But it illustrates perfectly my point made upthread that people cannot see what is wrong with their behaviour. And I don’t just mean the guests!

Any else feeling a bit sorry for kumqat's 'friends'? When friends stay with me they are very welcome to eat whatever they need to stop feeling hungry particularly if they are teenagers! How can you start limiting food, and if they eat more than you have allocated you will shout at them?

You have 'allocated' food?? You sound like a total nightmare host, potentially eclipsing op's experience.

ffs buy more bread, remind them gently the water runs out quickly or don't invite them in the first place

You should have said something, I understand it can be difficult when you're in the situation if you're not confrontational.
She was awful to her guests whatever the underline reason she acted like a bear with a sore head.
I wouldn't end the friendship I'd talk to her if it isn't her usual form.

@TempleofZoom

I think you've hit the nail on the head.

It was so shocking that I did pathetically freeze (which is very unlike me), and yes without a doubt it would have been turned onto me as having a problem/sensitivity issues.

When you've got someone so volatile and it comes out of the blue, it can be very hard to do assimilate it, let alone do the right thing.

Id tell my "friend " straight what horrible fucker she is and stick for your son. She would be no friend of mine.

I can absolutely understand being shocked the first day, but 5?

Repeatedly being shouted at and treated badly over 5 days.

That is a really, really long time to stand by, stunned, and unable to make any protest.

Genuinely unbelievable.

Your son sounds so passive.

Poor boy.

Awfully humiliating for him.

He won't forget that in a hurry.

@PricklesAndSpikes

Freezing is a perfectly normal reaction to a situation like this. Its either fight/ flight or freeze-its hardwired into us. Stop telling the OP she is wrong.

Once? Absolutely normal to freeze. Multiple times over multiple days, so many in fact that she's ending the friendship? Not normal at all! Who allows their child to be "shrieked" at multiple times over multiple days without speaking up?!

OP also hasn't said whether the two 14 year olds are actually friends or pushed together because the mums are friends. Also what work was her son was doing for the friend? Was he being paid? Did he go there to purposefully to help out or just get roped in? Whose idea was it for him to help, his or the OP's? Was the friend's son supposed to be helping out as well or was OP's son just helping due to his height? Was OP's son doing something dangerous when he was "shrieked" at? What was the friend actually "shrieking"? It's quite an extreme thing to do for no apparent reason. Or was he doing something unsafe or silly and the friend got cross? It's really hard to tell from just one side of the story.

The bed situation is neither here nor there to me personally, I've slept on many a friends floor as a teenager with just a blanket under me, or if I was really lucky, a spare duvet! Also, there are beanbags and then there are beanbags...

I allowed my child to treated very unkindly by my brother / wife and screamed at by his wife without retaliation. I took her to one side and talked to her. I know not to start anything with them as they’re too volatile and he’s a physical danger to me. We are nc now.

I’m not saying that this is op’s case. But it is not always ok to speak up. In fact I would shy away from doing so due to my state of disability and health. Other people will not do so for other reasons.

*I took dd to one side, not the bitch.

@stepupandbecounted
Thank you.

@kumquat365
You come across as being very rude, judgmental and worst of all a know it all.

Has it not dawned on you that your 'friends' use you for the sea and surf?

When I invite people, I explain then and there exactly what I can offer in terms of beds etc. as you never know what people may need- could have a bad back, anything. 'There's one futon and a single and a double blow-up mattress' or whatever. They can then accept, refuse or bring something that they prefer if possible.

I've slept on floors myself happily, still do with some friends, but I've known in advance and taken a sleeping bag and mat.

@billy1966
It was day's 3 & 4.
Her DS's birthday was on day 4.

Not that that makes any difference - as others have wisely said, I should have protected my DS.

@stepupandbecounted

Any else feeling a bit sorry for kumqat's 'friends'? When friends stay with me they are very welcome to eat whatever they need to stop feeling hungry particularly if they are teenagers! How can you start limiting food, and if they eat more than you have allocated you will shout at them?

You have 'allocated' food?? You sound like a total nightmare host, potentially eclipsing op's experience.

ffs buy more bread, remind them gently the water runs out quickly or don't invite them in the first place

Yes!!

It's AIBU, notmore, you'll get people who love to make you the one in the wrong. Just ignore 'em.

When something is so unexpected and shocking it does floor you!

carboncheque and a couple of other posters have made really sensible points. About speaking to her, you said she's the sort to not behave like this to private school parents and that she'll probably call you oversensitive if you speak to her directly. If she's that sort of person you won't get any resolution and it can leave you feeling worse, so the only reason to speak to her is for your own satisfaction. Someone upthread phrased a possible sentence or two well.

A shame the friendship's ended like this but for whatever reason she behaved like this, it's done.

THANK YOU to so many of you - you know who you are and I'm sorry not to have reply individually to you as there are so many of you, but you have really helped me and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it.

@SchadenfreudePersonified
Very interesting that freezing is hard-wired into us at a very young age where we are too weak to speak up for ourselves or to flee the situation. Thank you - it makes so much sense to me now.

No, I disagree that @kumquat365 is being somehow… what… ultra bossy? Mean?

She’s offered to host multiple people, over multiple days, at her own expense. She’s outlined all the details of what she’s offering, and been clear about a few basic houserules. That’s called Assertiveness 101. She’s also said that she’s expecting she might need to underline what she’s laid out, if previously entitled teens don’t take her seriously.

Do we all have to be saccharine walkovers who whinge afterwards on MN, or are we also allowed to enjoy putting effort into hosting our mates and their kids, while dealing sensibly with those things that can derail everybody’s good time? And just plain take the piss?

Limiting shower times when there’s not enough water, or restricting the ‘full fridge smorgasbord’ when you’ve got 16 meals ahead? I really don’t see that as stingy or unreasonable?

I host a lot of people, often. In a sought-after location. If I wasn’t ‘allowed’ a few basic ‘house rules’, that’s when I’d stop inviting. It’s an enormous expense and effort. I love it, and the chaos that ensues. But I’m not a mug.

And fuck me a whole loaf of bread and I'm not even one of those competitive low carbers

Leave. She's taking you for granted. And your DS.

Sorry I should have RTFT. It was last week. I'm surprised you managed to stay quiet tbh.

“If you speak to me or DS in that way again it will be for the last time. Now, please apologise to DS”.

If it’s put you off OP and from what you’ve posted I don’t blame you - I’d end the friendship - no question. Go with your real feeling here

with regard to the freeze fawn fight flight responses, I also find them fascinating.

I have found over the last two or three years that having been excluded from not one but two groups by 2 different covert scapegoating narcissists, and having survived two exclusions with my integrity intact both times, my poly vagal I was ok. The ''worst'' was tough but survivable and I feel that this will have relaxed my freeze response around these types.
I don't know this yet but I feel it.

The next time some covert narc is trying to exclude me from a group, I won't wither to the same extent. And they may move on to somebody else.

@MadameMonk

No, I disagree that *@kumquat365* is being somehow… what… ultra bossy? Mean?

She’s offered to host multiple people, over multiple days, at her own expense. She’s outlined all the details of what she’s offering, and been clear about a few basic houserules. That’s called Assertiveness 101. She’s also said that she’s expecting she might need to underline what she’s laid out, if previously entitled teens don’t take her seriously.

Do we all have to be saccharine walkovers who whinge afterwards on MN, or are we also allowed to enjoy putting effort into hosting our mates and their kids, while dealing sensibly with those things that can derail everybody’s good time? And just plain take the piss?

Limiting shower times when there’s not enough water, or restricting the ‘full fridge smorgasbord’ when you’ve got 16 meals ahead? I really don’t see that as stingy or unreasonable?

I host a lot of people, often. In a sought-after location. If I wasn’t ‘allowed’ a few basic ‘house rules’, that’s when I’d stop inviting. It’s an enormous expense and effort. I love it, and the chaos that ensues. But I’m not a mug.

I agree 100%

I can't believe people thought she was unreasonable!

You need to speak with your son, tell him your friend was out of order shouting and that you're sorry that you didn't intervene.

The sleeping arrangements were unfortunate, but I'd take it she just wasn't thinking, especially if she's stressed, and the appropriate clothing issue I'd think the same. But shouting at my child....just no. When it comes to my children it's once strike then you're out.

There's no point explaining to her because she'll likely come out all guns blazing, and there's no point beating yourself up about what you did or didn't do. What's done is done. In my opinion silence speaks louder than words in these situations so I'd cut her off without a second thought.