I have seen a very ugly side to my 'friend'

[Notmoresugar]

I would be very interested to hear how you wise and knowing ladies would deal with a friend who did this to your child (DS in my case) when you're on a short stay with her and her DS and under her roof:

Shreaking at my DS at full volume to do some heavy lifting for her (relating to her work) when he was already working for her. Her DS was doing nothing and just standing around on his phone.

Shreaking at my DS but kindly telling her DS to exit a venue at a different entrance (not relevant but they were going in the right direction anyway).

Both of our DS's were doing a sport that could hurt them if they weren't wearing appropriate clothing. Her DS had thick layers on, yet she kept telling me (3 possibly 4 times) that my DS would be ok with a thin top on.

My DS sleeping (badly) on the floor for 5 nights in her DS's room and her not asking her DS to let him have the bed for not even 1 night.

There are a few other things that I haven't mentioned.

'Friend' is under immense pressure with work and living with very difficult parents, albeit a very large house with space and land etc.

We have been friends for 15 years and this has completely put me off her, so much so that I am considering ending our relationship.

Am I being unreasonable and what would you do or say to someone like this if you were in my position. I was completely taken off-guard as it came from out of nowhere. I was a couple of hundred miles away from home and under her roof?

My DS is very laid back and fine about it, but I am not happy that she chose my DS as her personal whipping boy/scape goat.

I would never treat her DS or any of my DS's friends so badly.

Her DS goes to a private school and I know she wouldn't speak to any of her DS's school mates like that ever.

So over to you and thank you for your comments good or bad - they are all welcome and sorry it was so long!

her parents were taking up 3 of the bedrooms
How very peculiar.

@carboncheque
Thank you - your advice is very wise and I will be following it from now on.

I think with the sleeping situation - I wouldn’t have expected her ds to offer to sleep on the bean bag. I would have expected your ds to say to her ds, or you to say to her - that’s it’s too uncomfortable for 5 nights, is there any possibility of sofa cushions or something or if not you offer to pop out and buy blow up bed.

How she spoke to your son sounds horrible.

And not nice that she didn’t give good advice re the clothing for the activity but wouldn’t your ds ask her ds if they’re friends?
Sounds like perhaps she shouldn’t have invited you and was stressed and didn’t make you or ds feel welcome.
I wouldn’t necessarily write off the whole friendship but I wouldn’t stay for so long again and would leave it for a while.

@Cattitudes
It's a 5 bedroomed house.
Not curling 😂

@nautaocts
Yes, you're right - I should have done something about the bed.
But the friendship is over. She went a step too far for me (sadly).

@Carboncheque

I wouldn’t waste any more time or energy thinking about that ‘friend’.

Instead, why not talk to your son about how neither of you will be going back there again and how he didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Acknowledge that you know you find it difficult to deal with conflict and tell him you’re going to work on it. You both deserve to be treated with respect and people who don’t treat you with respect don’t deserve your time and attention.

This is wise advice.

I would be utterly mortified for my children to see me allow them to be treated that way.

OP, give some thought to how you could allow this to continue over multiple days.

Kindly, I think you also owe your son an apology.

As a parent it is your job to protect and to step in when appropriate.

We teach people how to treat us.

You have modelled accepting awful treatment to your son.

Reflect on that.

At times in my life I have been passive an left things go that perhaps I shouldn't have.

However, if, anyone has behaved badly towards my children I will and have stood my ground very, very firmly.

I would wipe the floor with that women, in your son's hearing, and never contact her again.

How dare she be so rude to your son.

Thank you for all of your views.

Most of you have a great understanding of human nature (including my own in this situation) and have really helped me to see our relationship more clearly.

It's not that I didn't already know it was very wrong/nasty of her, but I kept on doubting myself.

I don't doubt myself anymore.

@billy1966
Everything you say is right.
I need to man up.

Is she jealous of your son?
Can't believe she deliberately set out to harm your son re the inappropriate clothing for the activity and lifting. Feck sake beanbag to sleep on for a six feet tall boy.
Remind me of a Instagram post about toxic relationships competition between mother daughter.
This seem to be competition over sons.
Very bizarre behaviour yes best get rid of this nasty friend feel sorry for her son.
Go NC absolutely not worth it.

[quote Notmoresugar]@Cattitudes
It's a 5 bedroomed house.
Not curling 😂[/quote]
Sounds like paintballing to me.

I wouldn't let anyone - ANYONE! "Shriek" at my dc's. They'd be getting asked who the fuck they think they're talking to.

So unless this is a second hand story and you are just taking your ds's word for it in which case you may need more info - yes the friendship would be over.

That's so sweet!

Oh wrong thread!

Snap at me if you're stressed - fine. Snap or shriek at my child? I will choke slam you (joking) and end the friendship (not joking).

The fact that you're questioning the several instances and whether you've read them correctly speaks volumes, as does your uncomfortableness in setting her straight. I'd have my bags packed and leaving for a spurious reason but set her straight later if needed but I wouldn't be putting my child through that. She sounds like a truly awful person.

And having a guest sleep on a beanbag when you know they're coming is just very rude imo & shows you what she thinks of you and your son.

If your child is passive about it it's because you appear to be passive OP but I guarantee you he will look back at this in years to come and a) realise how awful it was and b) wonder why his mother didn't speak up for him.

Notmoresugar I'm so sorry - it sounds awful.

your 'friend' is totally in the wrong and I can see why you would not challenge her at the time, it's a shame you didn't but we all do that sort of thing.

Good luck.

[quote Notmoresugar]@carboncheque
Because I couldn't assimilate it at the time because I was so shocked by her.

Now that I have, I will have to speak to her.

This will be the end of the friendship because of her nastiness, she's gone too far.[/quote]
I absolutely get this! You’re now home and have had time to process everything and rightly so yanbu to feel this way.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and we’ve all been in situations where we’ve thought I shoulda woulda coulda etc!
If it were me I’d be messaging or calling and being polite but firm and say that you’ve had time to reflect and unfortunately after the way your son was spoken to and treated by her you won’t be visiting again.
Good luck @Notmoresugar

Your son lets ppl speak to him like shit because you let them too OP - you've realised the error and it's important you explain to him what you're next move is going to be re. your friendship with her - he needs to know you're standing up for him, beit after the event and that he should not ever put up with that again - tell him you've both learned a lesson.

*your next move

I'm appalled that the parents were taking up 3 bedrooms when there were guests! Why the everloving fuck could they not have given up just one for a few days, to accommodate either yourself or your son?

Even taken a mattress off one of the beds and put it into the son of the house's room, if they had too much crap in the bedrooms to shift it all out - disgusting!

Honestly, they all sound dreadful and you sound better off without them.

The only thing I would take issue with is your thought that the son of the house should have given up his own bed - nah. Nor should you have had to even think about buying a separate mattress when there were other choices the householder could have made.

She's basically treated you like second-class citizens - not a friend.

Was she expecting you to come better prepared for this visit, for example bringing your own air mattresses and bedding and suitable clothing? From your posts you sound extremely passive and I can imagine getting frustrated at someone who turns up unprepared and then doesn't seem to be trying to find solutions.

That's the only somewhat rational excuse I can think of and I'm finding the whole situation really hard to visualize. Doesn't excuse how she treated you.

It's interesting that sometimes it seems people often want to make sense of the situation, by assuming that the OP might be in the wrong. Like she should have brought a blow up mattress etc.

But why? If someone invited me to stay in a big house with multiple bedrooms I certainly would not assume I needed to bring a mattress. I might say shall I bring anything, and if I wasn't told to bring it, I would not bring it.

I would ask her why she’s talking so rudely at your child? The bed issue would have been a non issue if he had slept on a blow up mattress or roll mat but a bean bag shows very little consideration for even basic comfort. If you want to work things through you need to start by being honest with your friend, tell her you understand she’s stressed but explain the way she talks to you and your son is very rude. Her response will tell you everything you need to know

Your loyalty is to your child, and if a so called "friend" had spoken to him in such a way that it shocked you into silence is heartbreaking.
Ditch the bitch, there never was or will never be any excuse to be vile to your son.
I don't care how stressed she is, it's a no no.
I have a extremely pressurised and stressful career, but what happens in work stays in work, it has to or I would be a walking wreck.
Before you part company lay it out in front of her, she's a bloody power crazed bully (the worst kind). It sounds like she needs a reality check and a boot up the arse to make her realise, it's never was and will never be acceptable to treat people so appallingly.

YANBU, I had an aunt who used to behave similarly, from when we were very young (6 yo +).

She now asks why we (as adults) don’t visit her or call her. 🙄

Was is paintballing?

That hurts if you aren’t padded up