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AIBU?

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Original poster

I have seen a very ugly side to my 'friend'

188 replies

Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 22:25

I would be very interested to hear how you wise and knowing ladies would deal with a friend who did this to your child (DS in my case) when you're on a short stay with her and her DS and under her roof:

Shreaking at my DS at full volume to do some heavy lifting for her (relating to her work) when he was already working for her. Her DS was doing nothing and just standing around on his phone.

Shreaking at my DS but kindly telling her DS to exit a venue at a different entrance (not relevant but they were going in the right direction anyway).

Both of our DS's were doing a sport that could hurt them if they weren't wearing appropriate clothing. Her DS had thick layers on, yet she kept telling me (3 possibly 4 times) that my DS would be ok with a thin top on.

My DS sleeping (badly) on the floor for 5 nights in her DS's room and her not asking her DS to let him have the bed for not even 1 night.

There are a few other things that I haven't mentioned.

'Friend' is under immense pressure with work and living with very difficult parents, albeit a very large house with space and land etc.

We have been friends for 15 years and this has completely put me off her, so much so that I am considering ending our relationship.

Am I being unreasonable and what would you do or say to someone like this if you were in my position. I was completely taken off-guard as it came from out of nowhere. I was a couple of hundred miles away from home and under her roof?

My DS is very laid back and fine about it, but I am not happy that she chose my DS as her personal whipping boy/scape goat.

I would never treat her DS or any of my DS's friends so badly.

Her DS goes to a private school and I know she wouldn't speak to any of her DS's school mates like that ever.

So over to you and thank you for your comments good or bad - they are all welcome and sorry it was so long!

OP posts:
NotableTree · 13/08/2021 22:48

So you’re back home mow, and no longer staying with her?

Feedingthebirds1 · 13/08/2021 22:50

Her DS goes to a private school

D'you think she's got the idea that she and her DS are now above you and can talk to you like the hired skivvies?

HunterGatherer · 13/08/2021 22:52

Sod that. Your loyalty lies with your DS. I can't believe you didn't stand up for him. I'd ditch her.

Original poster
Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 22:52

@NotableTree - it was a completely new and unknown activity to me and my DS.

I ignored her and made my DS wear an extra thick top - which he was happy to do when he realized that it could be quite painful without one.

@abw94 thank you - yes, I will have to confront her and I think it will be the end as she went far too far and I don't think there's a way back. It's very sad because we were pregnant at the same time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 22:56

@noteable yes thank god - home now.

@Feedingthebirds1 - yes, i think she's very ambitious and would never have dared to behave in such an awful manner with people who she see's as being more important/beneficial to her/her DS's future.

@HunterGatherer - I know you are right, but I was like a rabbit caught in the headlights (so cross with myself now).

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 23:00

@BungleandGeorge
He slept on a beanbag on the floor.
My sofa bed was tiny/hard.
Yes, you're absolutely right with hindsight i should have bought a blow up bed.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 13/08/2021 23:03

My sofa bed was tiny/hard.

But you had a bed. Most sofa beds are small and not that comfy. That seems a bit mean to moan about.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2021 23:03

yes I was present, but her horrible manner completely made me freeze because it took me unaware.

What, every single time??

Do you think the reason your 14 year old isn't politely speaking up for himself, might be because you've never set that example?

What are you like when other adults treat him like this?

Original poster
Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 23:04

@PurpleDaisies
I wasn't moaning about my bed at all - i was answering @BungleandGeorge's questions.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 13/08/2021 23:06

Sleeping on a beanbag isn’t the same as sleeping on the floor. I’ve slept on sofa cushions at friends’ houses when I was a youngster. Quite misleading.

Original poster
Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 23:06

@WorraLiberty
Yes, sadly I think you have hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:
Terhou · 13/08/2021 23:07

I pathetically didn't say anything because I was so shocked and completely taken off guard.

But did you have no chance to raise it later?

NotableTree · 13/08/2021 23:07

I think there are all kinds of different things mixed up here. I would expect 14 year olds to sort out their own arrangements for sleeping in a shared room, and I wouldn’t expect a parent to intervene — did he have a sleeping bag?

Are the boys actually friends, or do they just know one another because their mothers are? Trying to figure out the dynamic — I can’t imagine many fourteen year olds being impressed if their mother repeatedly shrieked at a friend of theirs. . When you say your DS was ‘working for’ your friend, do you mean she was employing him?

Original poster
Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 23:07

@PurpleDaisies
No not misleading at all.
My DS is 6ft 3 inch

You try sleeping on a bean bag when you're that tall.

OP posts:
YNK · 13/08/2021 23:11

How did your son feel about what happened?
It sounds like it was very unpleasant for him.

Carboncheque · 13/08/2021 23:13

I don’t understand why you stayed there and kept quiet about it for at least 5 days.

Original poster
Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 23:13

@YNK
He's very laid back and takes it all with a pinch of salt.
It's me that's upset because I didn't stick up for him because I was so blind-sided :-(

OP posts:
Riddo · 13/08/2021 23:17

I ended a friendship for similar reasons. We'd been friends all our lives (the families were friends). She'd always bullied me but I'd put up with it to keep the peace. When she started on my DC I ended the friendship. It spoilt my parents' friendship with her family but they backed me 100%. My DC deserve better.

Original poster
Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 23:18

@carboncheque
Because I couldn't assimilate it at the time because I was so shocked by her.

Now that I have, I will have to speak to her.

This will be the end of the friendship because of her nastiness, she's gone too far.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 13/08/2021 23:21

Some odd replies here!
If you invite people over you generally prepare a bed for them, not a beanbag, not leave your 14 year old to sort something. I can only think she was expecting you to bring something, but it was her mistake not to ask. Most polite 14 year olds would not say boo to a goose, however bolshy their parents may be.
Her hosting skills sound terrible tbh, is she not very socially aware?

Original poster
Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 23:22

@Riddo
Thank you.
You're completely right.
I think bullies like this keep getting away with it because people like us are too nice and polite to say anything.

Not this time and never again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmoresugar · 13/08/2021 23:31

@BungleandGeorge
She definitely wasn't expecting me to bring anything. I didn't think of asking because it's a fairly big house, but little did I know that her parents were taking up 3 of the bedrooms.

Yes I agree - I think she was socially very unaware or maybe she just thought she could keep on getting away with it with me/us.

Whatever the reason her mask well and truly slipped.

OP posts:
NotableTree · 13/08/2021 23:32

@BungleandGeorge

Some odd replies here! If you invite people over you generally prepare a bed for them, not a beanbag, not leave your 14 year old to sort something. I can only think she was expecting you to bring something, but it was her mistake not to ask. Most polite 14 year olds would not say boo to a goose, however bolshy their parents may be. Her hosting skills sound terrible tbh, is she not very socially aware?
I think people are just trying to figure out why the OP stood by for five days and watched her friend shriek at her son etc without intervening, and/or leaving. One incident I can easily imagine being blindsided by, but this many, over five days?
Carboncheque · 13/08/2021 23:32

I wouldn’t waste any more time or energy thinking about that ‘friend’.

Instead, why not talk to your son about how neither of you will be going back there again and how he didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Acknowledge that you know you find it difficult to deal with conflict and tell him you’re going to work on it. You both deserve to be treated with respect and people who don’t treat you with respect don’t deserve your time and attention.

Cattitudes · 13/08/2021 23:35

If my dc were staying over somewhere I would send them with an airbed and sleeping bag, it would be a nice surprise for them if they were sleeping in a proper bed. I imagine even parents with dc at private schools don't all have lots of spare beds hanging around. She should not have been short with your ds but the other things I would expect you/ him to use some initiative. Personally I think the moment has passed now you are home but be less available in the future.

Curious now about what this new and unknown activity was. ?Curling.