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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying flowers with no money?

273 replies

Kitten9 · 13/08/2021 07:29

Earlier this week one of my close friends confided her money struggles to me - she lost her job a couple of months ago and due to various factors has not had any income at all. She told me she had absolutely nothing and had maxed out all her credit cards, and was genuinely upset and crying about how she was going to feed her children and keep a roof over their heads. I didn’t get the impression that she was asking me for money, but I wanted to help and so I gave her £300 as a gift (I can afford it and don’t need or expect it back)

However yesterday I saw on Facebook that one of her other friends had posted a photo of a beautiful bunch of flowers, thanking my friend for sending them for absolutely no reason. I honestly can’t tell if I’m BU for being a little annoyed - the flowers didn’t look cheap, and I would have expected her to prioritise her bills and savings if she was in such dire straits. I suppose I feel as though I’ve been a little duped and that her situation isn’t as bad as I was lead to believe.

Fully prepared to be told that I’m a miserable hag!

OP posts:
StarDrawers · 13/08/2021 07:30

She's used your money to pay for those! CF.
She's got a spending problem

autumnboys · 13/08/2021 07:32

I would be annoyed by this, but also concerned that she’s not facing up to the reality of the situation she’s in.

Pottedpalm · 13/08/2021 07:32

I would ask her why she gave flowers paid for with the money you gave her to live on.

TheQueef · 13/08/2021 07:32

YABU assuming you didn't add any conditions to the gift.

It's cost you £300 to learn that others often have very different priorities!

FiveShelties · 13/08/2021 07:33

You were very kind to your friend, and I would have been a bit surprised too OP.

Etinox · 13/08/2021 07:33

I would feel very aggrieved at that! There’s a chance she might have arranged for and planned the flowers in advance if it was for a birthday but this doesn’t sound like it. Angry

RedHelenB · 13/08/2021 07:34

Maybe she was fed up of being the taker all the time and wanted to be the giver?

TeapotCollection · 13/08/2021 07:35

I’d be annoyed too. I wouldn’t say anything though, but that’s be the last time I gave her money

BarbaraofSeville · 13/08/2021 07:37

Your friend is either burying her head in the sand or she's bad with money. Keep any help to hand holding, signposting to help with benefits, job hunting, debt management etc and a shoulder to cry on from now on as any financial help you give her will go into a black whole and possibly not give the help you imagine.

I assume she is a lone parent if she's talking about no income, ie she doesn't have a partner's income to possibly fall back on?

If so, why didn't she claim benefits when she lost her job? If she'd made that task one when she lost her job, she'd be getting universal credit now that would at least buy food and pay for utilities.

There's lots of help out there that she can access, CAB, Moneysavingexpert etc. Plus obviously she needs to be finding new work - is this likely, depending on her experience, state of the industry that she worked in? That's what she needs to work on right now.

PopcornMuncher · 13/08/2021 07:38

I've been similarly duped by a relative. Except for a bit more money. Who then went on to put their high spending lifestyle on FB. Suffice to say we don't now speak. I thought they were genuinely on the bones of their arse. Lesson learned.

You've been conned. I'd chalk it up to bitter experience and dump the cheeky fucker

ExpressDelivery · 13/08/2021 07:39

I think if you give a gift it has to be unconditional, but yes, I'd be annoyed too. I wouldn't be helping her out again. TBH £300 was a crazy thing to do in the first place. Too much money as a windfall for someone who can't manage money.

I think a lot of people who tell you how hard up they are not what you'd call broke. They mean they've spent more than usual this month, or their income has changed, but they still have access to money.

PopcornMuncher · 13/08/2021 07:40

Maybe she was fed up of being the taker all the time and wanted to be the giver

Maybe so but she shouldn't do that with someone else's money (obtained by deception)

HungryHippo11 · 13/08/2021 07:40

I would message her and ask. Not sure how I would phrase it, but it would just annoy me until I had confirmation if they had been paid for by my own money. And then once you know you can work out how annoyed to be about it

Original poster
Kitten9 · 13/08/2021 07:42

Thanks for the responses everyone, I feel a little better knowing that I’m not a horrible person for feeling this way! I think as others have said it was a lesson learned, and I’ll keep any future support on a ‘shoulder-to-cry-on’ basis.

OP posts:
kowari · 13/08/2021 07:43

This is why I would direct someone to the foodbank or similar services unless I knew their full circumstances. It can often be a budgeting or priorities issue, in my experience people actually struggling don't advertise it.

ThirdElephant · 13/08/2021 07:44

Comment on it. 'Aww, they're beautiful! Happy birthday!'

Just so she knows you know.

Imnothereforthedrama · 13/08/2021 07:46

You sound very kind op but I do think you need to be a little suspicious about how hard up she is . It may be all be very true but some people have different priorities about money like I know 1 or 2 people that even if they were down to their last £20 they would go to the pub or order a takeaway rather than buy food for a few days .
Next time offer practical advice do not give any more money. say that was a one off to get herself straight but help her claim benefits get advice what she’s entitled to and to contact her credit card company about sorting out a manageable payment plan . I fear she will just keep coming back with her begging bowl if your not careful.

LIZS · 13/08/2021 07:55

Maybe fro-end had previously helped out, as you have. But yes it seems priorities are skewed.

icedcoffees · 13/08/2021 08:00

This is why you shouldn't give friends and family money. It always ends in resentment or arguments.

onelittlefrog · 13/08/2021 08:00

YANBU to be annoyed but perhaps it's a lesson for the future.

I have a friend like this too. Constantly in some kind of drama when it comes to money, but when you look at the reason for thiis, she simply overspends.

She's a single mum on benefits. As soon as she has money, she buys "little treats" and things that she does not need, she'll buy new furniture for the house, silly little decorations, get a car on credit.

She has basically just never learned to budget and tbh also a bit of entitlement that she can have "nice things" in life even though she cannot afford them.

This is why I never give her money because although I care about her, I know it will not be spent wisely and it will not be a drop in the ocean to solve the underlying problem.

So let the £300 go but don't give her money again. If she's struggling again in future perhaps you could offer to help her sit down and look through her budget, as she sounds quite similar to my friend!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/08/2021 08:11

I’d be very hurt and would distance myself. I’d also comment on the post as flower delivery isn’t cheap and that’s not what you gave her the money for.

Inni632 · 13/08/2021 08:13

YANBU unreasonable. People have odd prioritise. A few years ago uncle moaned to me about his debts and how they had little to eat and couldn't get buy. Loaned him money (I had savings I didn't need for the time being) and 2 weeks later they were in Paris and the next month they went to Madrid. Fuming. Called them up on it and was told a holiday was needed after all the stress they went through.

3 years down the line, a week ago I met up with said husband and wife. Wife mentioned that their DS 8, still sleeps in same bed as them. I mentioned that I don't think that's reasonable at that age. And she moaned and said that they couldnt afford a new bed. I said surely you cN just get a mattress and duvet? To throw on floor. And she said they didn't have any money for duvet or mattress and that they could barely eat. Their DS was dressed in a Lacoste jumper and joggers with lovely Lacoste trainers. Priorities.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 13/08/2021 08:16

I had a friend who was constantly saying she had no money....couldn't afford to eat etc....and then the next day she would tell me she'd had her nails done at £30Confused

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 13/08/2021 08:23

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but l think l would have bought her supermarket vouchers rather than cash but op what a lovely person you are doing that for her.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/08/2021 08:31

It was very kind of you, OP, but it would seem that she has no self control when it comes to spending. Or perhaps she just doesn’t want to control it, especially if there are kind friends to bail her out.

A dd had a friend who was depressed about her £30k of cc debt. Dd went round, only to find her surrounded by new bags of shopping.

Since it was all still intact, dd said, ‘Let’s take it all back for refunds, then.’
‘But I bought it to cheer myself up!’
It didn’t go back.

There are some people you just can’t help.
I say that as someone who had to learn the hard way, at a cost of £750.