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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Buying flowers with no money?

273 replies

Kitten9 · 13/08/2021 07:29

Earlier this week one of my close friends confided her money struggles to me - she lost her job a couple of months ago and due to various factors has not had any income at all. She told me she had absolutely nothing and had maxed out all her credit cards, and was genuinely upset and crying about how she was going to feed her children and keep a roof over their heads. I didn’t get the impression that she was asking me for money, but I wanted to help and so I gave her £300 as a gift (I can afford it and don’t need or expect it back)

However yesterday I saw on Facebook that one of her other friends had posted a photo of a beautiful bunch of flowers, thanking my friend for sending them for absolutely no reason. I honestly can’t tell if I’m BU for being a little annoyed - the flowers didn’t look cheap, and I would have expected her to prioritise her bills and savings if she was in such dire straits. I suppose I feel as though I’ve been a little duped and that her situation isn’t as bad as I was lead to believe.

Fully prepared to be told that I’m a miserable hag!

OP posts:
StarDrawers · 13/08/2021 08:32

@ThirdElephant

Comment on it. 'Aww, they're beautiful! Happy birthday!'

Just so she knows you know.

I'd do this. But I also don't see anything wrong with doing what @IceCreamAndCandyfloss says if you are willing to potentially end the friendship over this.
fiftiesmum · 13/08/2021 08:43

A little while back DSIL was crying to us she had money problems (high month for bills) so DH gave her some money for essentials as it was nearly payday.
She was caught out next day by my DM who saw her in a high end cosmetics shop with a basket full of goodies. Next time she asked I just offered her some groceries.

BarbaraofSeville · 13/08/2021 08:47

But even buying groceries or giving supermarket vouchers is still enabling the problem because they're likely to keep seeing any money they have as available for spending on nails, cosmetics, clothes, takeaways etc because kind friend/parent/sibling will step in to take care of dull things like the gas bill or basic groceries.

Summerbreeze4 · 13/08/2021 09:09

I’d be annoyed to, is it possible that this other person has helped her out in the past, like you have just done and she’s saying thank you to her for that now tgat she can?

Summerbreeze4 · 13/08/2021 09:09

People don’t usually buy flowers for no reason.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 13/08/2021 09:19

Mm.
Well I have given cash to friends. And also bought a shop for them or got the odd treat like a takeaway for the kids or vouchers at Christmas to help. Not once has that been thrown back in my face.
I think lesson learned tbh on this on. Wouldn't give her the steam off my piss after that.

Pinkandblueslushpuppy · 13/08/2021 13:13

This reminds me of an episode of Frasier - he lent Roz some money and had a go at her for spending it on frivolous things - he called her out on it - turned out she had vouchers and store credits etc so wasn't spending the money he had given her. Could this be the case? It's unlikely - but possible she had some kind of voucher for the florist?

luxright · 13/08/2021 13:17

Been there, lent a very similar amount to a friend who was worried about bank charges. Didn't want/need it back but a week later he posted a picture of his new car.

I was pretty miffed BUT it was a gift, not a loan so didn't say anything and the next few times he mentioned being skint I have developed cloth ears...

LaBellina · 13/08/2021 13:18

I would be annoyed by this and would see this is as a lesson. She won’t get her finances in a row no matter how often you give her £300 because she’s clearly unable to choose the right priorities. If you see she really needs help, and still wish to help her on another occasion, buy something for the children like clothes or toys or do some shopping for her. Don’t give her any cash.

thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 13/08/2021 13:23

She's probably sent them to someone else she's borrowed money from

soupforbrains · 13/08/2021 13:23

From the title I thought I was going to be against you on this.

As someone who has struggled financially, sometimes there feels like there is no sunshine or enjoyment in life at all and i thought you were begrudging your friend spending a few quid on a small bunch from the supermarket to brighten her week.

This situation though is completely different. Especially as the flowers were for no particular reason. I can be hard when you're broke to keep up with friend's and families birthdays and such and it makes you feel awful if you can't do anything at all for them, but to just buy florist flowers for no reason is barking mad. And to do so with money borrowed to help your financial situation is cheeky fuckery of the highest order.

In the past I have had to borrow money from friend's and I've hated it every time and always paid them back when agreed or tried to do it sooner.

I would talk to your friend, depending on how confrontational you are feeling either just mention that you saw the flowers she bought so you assume things have improved for her financially, leaving it open ended for her to either explain, apologise or attempt to reason/lie. whatever the outcome you will have learned more about your friend and the situation.

Or you can outright ask where she got the voucher for the flowers from as you'd love to do the same, when she responds that there was no voucher, say, "oh well if you can afford to spend money on flowers for no reason then you must be able to pay me back the money I loaned you."

Either way it's best to get more information before potentially burning bridges.

toocold54 · 13/08/2021 13:56

YANBU I’d be fuming!! But actually I wouldn’t say anything as you don’t know the details. Someone could have given her them and she gave them to the friend, she could have had a free voucher etc so it isn’t definite that she spent your money.

You did a lovely thing and if she did waste her money on flowers then it is no wonder she is struggling and you can’t help someone who doesn’t help themselves.
Do not lend her money again.

Anordinarymum · 13/08/2021 14:01

@Kitten9

Thanks for the responses everyone, I feel a little better knowing that I’m not a horrible person for feeling this way! I think as others have said it was a lesson learned, and I’ll keep any future support on a ‘shoulder-to-cry-on’ basis.
Social media has a lot to answer for. Just think yourself lucky that you didn't give her any more, and try to forget it as it will probably fester into something bigger.

The money you gave her though.. didn't come with conditions. It was hers to spend as she wished.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/08/2021 14:16

This is why I don't give money in response to hard luck stories - help if it seems appropriate certainly, but not money

And yes I'd have to say something. If she's as "close" as all that she presumably won't mind, and if she does maybe you weren't as close as you thought

Thethreecs · 13/08/2021 14:18

This is shit when it happens. You were very kind to give the money to help her out. It wasn't a birthday gift, it was a gift to help sort out her food etc for her and her children and she went and bought flowers for someone for no reason. I'd be pretty pissed off.

It's happened to me in the past and now I just do food vouchers if someone is struggling.

Auntienumber8 · 13/08/2021 14:25

Really bad of her but I’m interested in what the depth of this friendship is that you would part with £300. Plus you say you can afford it. Does that mean it’s money you would not notice at all or that you will forgoe something yourself such as no takeaways for a couple of months or you dipped in to savings.

funinthesun19 · 13/08/2021 14:27

Is there any chance someone else gave her some money specifically for the flowers? I would find out that first before jumping to conclusions.

honehmooh · 13/08/2021 14:30

What suggests that she bought them? Maybe she grew them herself, foraged them or was permitted to collect some from a garden.

1forAll74 · 13/08/2021 14:36

I have been duped like that a couple of times over the years. You live and learn.. My own stupidity annoyed me at those times, when I realised that the persons had credit cards, and was seeming able to buy random stuff anyway, despite saying they were completely broke..

RB68 · 13/08/2021 14:37

I have a friend in tricky circumstances at the moment and I have learnt to be specific with gifts - generally not cash, so paying for petrol tank ful when with her, food gift card (also allows for things like undies if necessary etc)

It may be she got an offer or a deal for the flowers and actually it wasn't a fortune but this friend had helped her alot etc. But I might be rethinking how I gave in future if she is struggling to properly prioritise and plan for future spending (she prob thinks 300 is a fortune so she can afford a bit of a spend on something).

Blackberrybunnet · 13/08/2021 14:44

YABU, although you have every right to be so. Now you know not to offer her money next time complains. Lesson learned.

ShitPoetryClub · 13/08/2021 15:08

I've been stung like this OP, some people are just users. In my case I always paid for a friend's lunch when we met up, as she complained re lack of finances. I didn't mind treating her.
Then she took her entire family of 6 to Mexico for a fortnight whilst we had a week in Cornwall camping. Hmm

Graphista · 13/08/2021 15:13

But even buying groceries or giving supermarket vouchers is still enabling the problem because they're likely to keep seeing any money they have as available for spending on nails, cosmetics, clothes, takeaways etc because kind friend/parent/sibling will step in to take care of dull things like the gas bill or basic groceries.

Exactly what I was coming on to say!

I have a sister that's like this.

Parents constantly bail her out she's never had to take proper responsibility for finances or budgeting. She and kids (also a single mum like me) decked out in high end and even designer clothes, shoes, toiletries and make up, groceries "have" to be branded, she would never even consider shopping somewhere like Aldi, she "needs" "at least" one night out a week for "stress" reasons, she's the kind of person that at Christmas there's a HUGE pile of gifts under the tree for her kids that she posts on sm - which she hasn't paid for but will be labelled "love mum" parents will have "lent" her the money cos she was "broke" but she has never paid a penny back, has the money to go on loads of nights out this time of year though with a new outfit inc shoes each time. Who she makes friends with is dependent on what they can do for her - free childcare (which mum also gives her a LOT of), lifts, work discounts for the shops they work at etc

I learned a loooong time ago that her pleading poverty was utter nonsense!

My mum worries she'll literally end up on the streets when she's gone, but she'll just find another mug to sub her and/or she'll finally set a budget and stick to it she's perfectly capable.

She always has a sob story to justify things but it basically comes down to she thinks she's entitled to a certain lifestyle which she's never earned (she can't hold down jobs or relationships either)

This is one of MANY reasons why I am nc with her. She's a con artist pure and simple.

Sounds like friend is similar - I'd bet good money the friend to whom she sent flowers has ALSO been subbing her, was starting to get wise and this is cf friends way of reeling them back in!

Lesson learned don't give her any more money. Shoulder/hand hold fine but nothing else.

As said even giving her groceries/vouchers simply frees up her finances to spend on fripperies. She needs to get her priorities straight, grow the fuck up and manage her own shit!

phishy · 13/08/2021 15:15

YANBU, now you know not to give her money again.

Did you frame it as a loan?

gamerchick · 13/08/2021 15:17

You've been mugged off. It happens to a lot of us.

Always direct to a food bank for the 'feeding the kids' one, or do a shop. If it's 'got no gas and leccy' tell them to ring their supplier for emergency help. Etc etc.

Never give money. They just take the piss when they're shit with money and have crap priorities.