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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying flowers with no money?

273 replies

Kitten9 · 13/08/2021 07:29

Earlier this week one of my close friends confided her money struggles to me - she lost her job a couple of months ago and due to various factors has not had any income at all. She told me she had absolutely nothing and had maxed out all her credit cards, and was genuinely upset and crying about how she was going to feed her children and keep a roof over their heads. I didn’t get the impression that she was asking me for money, but I wanted to help and so I gave her £300 as a gift (I can afford it and don’t need or expect it back)

However yesterday I saw on Facebook that one of her other friends had posted a photo of a beautiful bunch of flowers, thanking my friend for sending them for absolutely no reason. I honestly can’t tell if I’m BU for being a little annoyed - the flowers didn’t look cheap, and I would have expected her to prioritise her bills and savings if she was in such dire straits. I suppose I feel as though I’ve been a little duped and that her situation isn’t as bad as I was lead to believe.

Fully prepared to be told that I’m a miserable hag!

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 13/08/2021 15:24

Cheeky mare..

gee your money back 🌸

Thelnebriati · 13/08/2021 15:27

Kitten9 I wonder how many other friends have been generous and quietly helped her out?

Original poster
Kitten9 · 13/08/2021 15:28

I didn’t expect to get so many responses, it’s been really eye-opening reading through them! I’ve known her since high we were both 15, I’m 34 now so it’s a very long-running friendship and not one I’m willing to lose over money. I probably won’t say anything to her, but it’s a lesson learned.

Thinking back she has always struggled with money and asked for a couple of loans back when I was at university which I declined as I didn’t have a lot of money back then. I earn a high salary now so I can afford to part with £300, and as I framed it as a gift I suppose she can spend it on what she likes.

Definitely won’t be giving her anything else and will point her in the direction of food banks etc. in the future. Thanks again, all of you are absolutely fantastic!

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 13/08/2021 15:28

@Thelnebriati

Kitten9 I wonder how many other friends have been generous and quietly helped her out?

Ooh interesting.. I bet a few have also helped her out 😳

Original poster
Kitten9 · 13/08/2021 15:29

That should say ‘since we were both 15’, I’m not sure where the ‘high’ came from!

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 13/08/2021 15:29

Definitely won’t be giving her anything else and will point her in the direction of food banks etc. in the future.

Good on you 🎉

bigbaggyeyes · 13/08/2021 15:49

Ouch... a hard lesson to learn but you know next time not to bother. I'd struggle to hold my tongue tho if she ever moans about money worries again

tickledtiger · 13/08/2021 16:32

I wouldn’t jump to conclusions, perhaps she had a voucher for the company or something? I think you’re probably right and she was being financially irresponsible but you can’t be 100% sure..

An expensive lesson though

2bazookas · 13/08/2021 16:49

CF! Still, you'll know not to save her starving kids again.

  You need to post on FB  "Wow, (hungryfriend)  what a generous   present; did  you grow them in the garden? "
Katefoster · 13/08/2021 20:08

My jaw actually dropped when I read this. What an absolute Cf!!!

Etinox · 13/08/2021 20:25

@RedHelenB

Maybe she was fed up of being the taker all the time and wanted to be the giver?
There’s someone much closer to home who she could give to!
Original poster
Kitten9 · 19/08/2021 05:59

I suppose I should have seen this coming… I’ve just woken up to a message from her asking to borrow money to pay her council tax bill. Sigh.

OP posts:
toomanyplants · 19/08/2021 06:06

Just decline, no reason necessary.
"No I can't loan you any cash"
And don't feel bad about it either.

BooomShakeTheRoom · 19/08/2021 06:12

"I'm sorry friend, I can't. Have you tried contacting the council and asking them for a council tax break? They also have hardship funds you may be able to apply for. I'm sorry you're in this situation, I can help with job searches or going over your incomings and outgoings if that helps? Have you done the benefits calculator?"

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 06:14

She's a CF of the highest order!

PurpleSapphire · 19/08/2021 06:14

I'm not well off at all but I used to lend money to a family member for "nappies" (mucho crying on the phone, my babies have no nappies..omg what am I going to do blah blah) then see her redecorate her house every three months. I'm not kidding. Every three months. I then found out she couldn't stop spending. Catalogues, loans, the lot. She was buying expensive furniture on credit and flogging it weeks later for pennies. Never again. We parted on non speaking terms, i'd had enough of her shit and drama!

HungryHippo11 · 19/08/2021 06:25

@toomanyplants

Just decline, no reason necessary. "No I can't loan you any cash" And don't feel bad about it either.
Agree with this. No excuses required, just say no. You could point her in the direction of any help she may be entitled to, or a budgeting app.
Jokie · 19/08/2021 06:32

I was following this and wondering if she'd be back for more. I'd just reply: no, I can't lend you any money. Keep it short and simple. You don't need to explain yourself

Zorinindustries · 19/08/2021 06:36

Perhaps she was 'paying it forward'.

Perhaps she felt so blessed to have a great friend like you, and so happy for the good fortune of getting a small windfall from you, that she wanted to share a little of that good fortune with someone else who needed cheering up.

thefirstmrsrochester · 19/08/2021 06:38

So in 6 days she has burned through the £300 you gifted her and she’s now on the scrounge for more money from you to pay essential bills? You are very kind OP, but you are not a free cash machine. A council tax bill isn’t an unforeseen expense which has just creeped up. Tell her no, you can’t and won’t lend/give more money and don’t be drawn in by wheedling or sob stories. There are debt agencies which will help her manage her money. It’s not your responsibility.

Thehop · 19/08/2021 06:38

“I can’t do that, but you could ring the council? Ask for access to any hardship schemes or a break? Is it with going to step change until you get another job?”

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 19/08/2021 06:40

You gave her money now you're a target.

You should say perhaps it was a mistake to buy your friend flowers and you should have spent the 300 I gave you last week on bills. No, I won't be subbing you again.

Fuck the friendship, she's taking the piss.

Onlinedilema · 19/08/2021 06:41

Do not give her any more money.
I would mention the flowers I would not be able to help myself.
Not sure Josh to word it but done thing like.
"Money to pay the council tax bill? Strange I assumed the £300 I gave you would have been enough, seeing as though you could afford to buy flowers with it. Surely you are back on your feet now. "

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 06:43

@Zorinindustries

Perhaps she was 'paying it forward'.

Perhaps she felt so blessed to have a great friend like you, and so happy for the good fortune of getting a small windfall from you, that she wanted to share a little of that good fortune with someone else who needed cheering up.

She probably should've thought about her essential bills first.
dreamygirl25 · 19/08/2021 06:44

Does she know how much money you have? Can you tell a white lie and say your spare money is now tied up in an isa and you already gave her the last of your spending money this month in fact you will be going without a few things because of this.
It's a white lie, but she's sort of conned you a bit so I wouldn't feel bad.