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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying flowers with no money?

273 replies

Kitten9 · 13/08/2021 07:29

Earlier this week one of my close friends confided her money struggles to me - she lost her job a couple of months ago and due to various factors has not had any income at all. She told me she had absolutely nothing and had maxed out all her credit cards, and was genuinely upset and crying about how she was going to feed her children and keep a roof over their heads. I didn’t get the impression that she was asking me for money, but I wanted to help and so I gave her £300 as a gift (I can afford it and don’t need or expect it back)

However yesterday I saw on Facebook that one of her other friends had posted a photo of a beautiful bunch of flowers, thanking my friend for sending them for absolutely no reason. I honestly can’t tell if I’m BU for being a little annoyed - the flowers didn’t look cheap, and I would have expected her to prioritise her bills and savings if she was in such dire straits. I suppose I feel as though I’ve been a little duped and that her situation isn’t as bad as I was lead to believe.

Fully prepared to be told that I’m a miserable hag!

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 19/08/2021 08:18

Don't be a mug. Sorry op, she doesn't value your friendship as much as you do. She's taking the piss

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 19/08/2021 08:19

It's tough as presumably you didn't put conditions on the use of the money but you gave it to her in good faith because she gave you the impression she was in dire straits, verging on not being able to feed herself etc. So l would also be annoyed. Not sure if l would say anything but l certainly wouldn't be listening to her money woes in future.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 19/08/2021 08:20

You need to draw the line and say no. Isn't council tax taken on the first of the month by most councils anyway? Mid month sounds odd.

BarbaraofSeville · 19/08/2021 08:21

If the friend had access to as many free flowers as some posters are claiming, perhaps she could have sent some to the OP as a thank you for the £300?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 19/08/2021 08:22

Wow just seen the latest.

I would ask her what she did with the money you gave her. Then tell her no sorry. If she gets shirty that would be the end of the friendship for me. You are a kind person and deserve to have kindness in your life, not a sponger.

BarbaraofSeville · 19/08/2021 08:23

@CeeceeBloomingdale

You need to draw the line and say no. Isn't council tax taken on the first of the month by most councils anyway? Mid month sounds odd.
There's lots of options for payment. We pay ours on the last day of the month. Plus if she's in arrears, it's likely that she's had a collections letter of some sort, rather than the normal bill falling due.
CutePanda · 19/08/2021 08:26

@Kitten9

I suppose I should have seen this coming… I’ve just woken up to a message from her asking to borrow money to pay her council tax bill. Sigh.
She is such a cf and she is taking advantage of you. Do NOT give her anymore money and be more wary about giving money to friends from now on. It gets messy.

Hi x sorry to hear that. I gave you £300 x days ago. What did you spend that on? Unfortunately, I am not in the position to lend you money anymore. I have my own family to look forward to. I suggest try ringing the council?

CeeceeBloomingdale · 19/08/2021 08:27

@BarbaraofSeville Fair enough, my area only does it on a set schedule so it sounded suspect.

Lordamighty · 19/08/2021 08:27

@BarbaraofSeville

If the friend had access to as many free flowers as some posters are claiming, perhaps she could have sent some to the OP as a thank you for the £300?
Exactly. Free flowers my arse, she has different priorities & also a brass neck to come back to the OP asking for more.
Lucycantdance · 19/08/2021 08:30

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Even if the flowers were somehow a free gift, wouldn’t she be sensitive enough to realise how bad that looks when she has just pleaded poverty to a close friend and accepted £300?! If it was me OP, unless there is a good explanation, this would be friendship ending with the update you’ve given. All trust would be gone.

Dizzy1234 · 19/08/2021 08:31

Family member, husband left her, £30k of credit and store card debt (her debt, he didn't know about it) borrows money from me but can't pay it back, bemoans the fact that exDh wants the house sold but she will end up homeless but she buys 8 bottles of wine in her weekly shop, has a takeaway every weekend, goes out for cocktails with the girls, books holidays abroad, runs a car.
You just can't help people, you can throw money at them but it's a short term fix, I don't lend her anything anymore.
I'd be annoyed if I were you OP, you were very kind and she's sending flowers using your money

couchparsnip · 19/08/2021 08:32

Big fat no to that. She must have known that bill was coming and spent the £300 anyway.
The CT bill is probably a final reminder or at least a second bill. If she didn't set up a payment plan then they'll ask for the full amount. She needs to ring them and set up a payment plan.

Standrewsschool · 19/08/2021 08:32

I would be annoyed if someone was pleading poverty, and then brought flowers for someone else. They weren’t even birthday flowers, but flowers sent ‘for no reason’. It was a very generous anfd kind gesture in your behalf.

However, I echo the others in saying no more money! Her financial situation is not your responsibility. You can be a friend by supporting her, and pointing her to foodbanks etc.

Ozanj · 19/08/2021 08:33

I would say no, that you already gave her £300 and you can’t give her any more. If she keeps begging then block her

Dorisbonson · 19/08/2021 08:33

I would ask for the money back and explain you gave it on the basis of the information she gave you which turned out to be inaccurate. She is in totally in the wrong and needs to learn a lesson.

RunningFromInsanity · 19/08/2021 08:35

No one in their right mind would buy flowers if they couldn’t pay their Council tax.
She’s laughing at you.

You aren’t her friend, you are her cash cow.

ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife · 19/08/2021 08:37

@CeeceeBloomingdale

You need to draw the line and say no. Isn't council tax taken on the first of the month by most councils anyway? Mid month sounds odd.
Our council gives you a choice of mid month or end of the month.
ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife · 19/08/2021 08:40

Please say no, and don’t apologise to her or try to give an explanation (unless the explanation is how upset you are with her for using you and lying to you).

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/08/2021 08:41

@Mayra1367

I had a similar situation with someone I considered a friend. Took me a while to realise after some gentle hints from my husband. I always paid when we went anywhere, coffees , lunch etc plus lending small amounts of cash , which were never repaid. Once I stopped paying they disappeared out of my life . I felt used and hurt but have long since moved on . Shortly after I stopped subbing them they put a very large deposit down on a house so I suppose they were saving as they were spending my money .
Essentially you've just paid towards theur housing deposit!

It's a horrid thing to be in the receiving end of this.... But it does teach you WHO they are and how they (didn't) value your friendship.

My friend was always having awful issues managing her money... Sometimes I gave her money by paying for the odd shop/evening out ...she never asked but I WANTED to help. I didn't want her more stressed by making it a loan - she's had significant mental health issues. She 'repaid' me a million times over by being a decent fríend... (helping with decorating /helping me when I was immobile following surgery).

It is very very annoying when you're hearing these sob stories.... And then you feel very used when your money is used on frivolities...

Someone I know is ALWAYS pleading poverty on social media (although I've never given/loaned her money). On the same social media there's pictures of going to have her nails done and pretty pricey take aways.... Different priorities which I'm not going to fund.. 😉

midsummabreak · 19/08/2021 08:41

I think you have done the right thing by gifting the money when you decided to help. What they do with it after that is their thing.

With loans, you never know if others can/will repay loans within a timeframe acceptable to you. I wouldn’t ever loan friends any money, it’s often not a good thing.
Just say 300 was all I could afford ,I can’t give loans.

DomPom47 · 19/08/2021 08:44

Don’t mention the flowers and don’t signpost help for her as that opens up conversation. Just say sorry can’t. Short and simple.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 19/08/2021 08:47

Maybe she was fed up of being the taker all the time and wanted to be the giver?

There are many generous things she could have done that wouldn’t cost money!

GrandDuchessRomanov · 19/08/2021 08:47

Never a good deed goes unpunished and all that.

snoresnoresnorezz · 19/08/2021 08:48

You have been a good friend and I'm sure many of us would be glad to know you but your friend is taking advantage of your good nature. Don't feel that you need to say yes because the friendship has been long running. She obviously doesn't care about taking advantage of you so don't feel bad about saying no.

billy1966 · 19/08/2021 08:50

I wouldn't mention how she has spent the money, just a clear statement that you won't be doing it again.