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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Buying flowers with no money?

273 replies

Kitten9 · 13/08/2021 07:29

Earlier this week one of my close friends confided her money struggles to me - she lost her job a couple of months ago and due to various factors has not had any income at all. She told me she had absolutely nothing and had maxed out all her credit cards, and was genuinely upset and crying about how she was going to feed her children and keep a roof over their heads. I didn’t get the impression that she was asking me for money, but I wanted to help and so I gave her £300 as a gift (I can afford it and don’t need or expect it back)

However yesterday I saw on Facebook that one of her other friends had posted a photo of a beautiful bunch of flowers, thanking my friend for sending them for absolutely no reason. I honestly can’t tell if I’m BU for being a little annoyed - the flowers didn’t look cheap, and I would have expected her to prioritise her bills and savings if she was in such dire straits. I suppose I feel as though I’ve been a little duped and that her situation isn’t as bad as I was lead to believe.

Fully prepared to be told that I’m a miserable hag!

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/08/2021 13:50

You "pay it forward" when times are better, that's the whole principle. Not accepting someone's help and immediately start sharing it around!

Save your largesse for when it can come directly from your own wallet.
So many posters proclaiming "You've given it as a gift, it's not your business what she does with it".
Despite the fact that she's now produced a council tax bill she can't pay (that can hardly have come as a surprise) and wants op's help again

mstroutpout · 20/08/2021 14:00

That's true. She's silly for not thinking about the ct bill.

Op needs to say no to that, and learn from mistakes because you shouldnt give/lend unless you can totally let go of the control of that money

toocold54 · 20/08/2021 14:16

I suppose I should have seen this coming… I’ve just woken up to a message from her asking to borrow money to pay her council tax bill. Sigh.

You have already helped her out which was so kind of you but she can’t rely on you financially forever.
Forget the flowers and think about if you want to continue with this friendship.

I would text back and say sorry I’ve had a big bill this month so I won’t be able to.
If she messages asking again then you need to say you don’t mind helping her out but it’s becoming a bit too regular and you don’t think it is helping her.

Has she paid you back for the last money she borrowed?

Seesawmummadaw · 20/08/2021 14:40

Tell her that you assumed that she now had a job as a florist so should be okay for money now.

Seesawmummadaw · 20/08/2021 14:43

@Scarlettpixie

I think yabu. You don’t know if the recipient might be going through something and could really do with cheering up. Your friend wanted to do something nice while she had the chance. Let it go and don’t give/lend money again if this bothers you so much.

She could have taken her out for a walk, made her a cake or card, offered to babysit etc so many other things that don’t cost money.

If you have no money you find other ways of doing nice things for people.

Greenpolkadot · 20/08/2021 14:47

Why dont you suggest she uses some of the£300 you gave her?

If you give her any more money then your a fool

nanbread · 20/08/2021 14:57

@Kitten9

I suppose I should have seen this coming… I’ve just woken up to a message from her asking to borrow money to pay her council tax bill. Sigh.

I'd say "no sorry, have you thought about asking x (friend she gave flowers to)?"

Desperado40 · 20/08/2021 14:59

Just before you jump to conclusions, she could have had a gift card or a voucher specifically for flowers that she used on a friend? Perhaps you could check if she used your money to buy flowers? Nothing wrong with asking!

nanbread · 20/08/2021 15:01

Btw I have a friend like this, unemployed and in dire financial straits apparently yet still eats out several times a week and sends her DC to extortionate clubs she will often lament her financial situation to me in the hopes I will lend her money.

I've seen what she spends it on though so have never lent her a penny... it transpires that she owes some other friends thousands.

MNmonster · 20/08/2021 15:03

@Kitten9

I suppose I should have seen this coming… I’ve just woken up to a message from her asking to borrow money to pay her council tax bill. Sigh.

I'm terribly sorry, I am not in a position to help you. Have you rung the council to try and sort out a payment plan?'

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/08/2021 15:03

@Desperado40

Maybe it would have been better used for the friend who'd just made her a gift of £300?

Balgoresboy · 20/08/2021 15:06

'' She should ask her to repay it and shame her on Facebook. ''

no don't go down that route, airing your dirty laundry in public is never a good thing and just puts you at the centre of gossip.

I'd leave it op, lesson learnt and don't do it again.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/08/2021 15:07

If mentioned on FB, it may save others offering help etc.

Viviennemary · 20/08/2021 15:12

Can't believe the cf has asked you for more money. I agree with telling her to ask the friend she sent flowers to. Or say actually I was thinking of asking you for a loan. I heard you had come into money.

Balgoresboy · 20/08/2021 15:14

''She sounds like she's really struggling. ''

meh bollox, people like that usually know exactly what they are doing. I want to drive a BMW but I don't because I don't have the cash so I get on with it in my battered Citroen. That's life.

Balgoresboy · 20/08/2021 15:19

''If mentioned on FB, it may save others offering help etc.''

yea but it's classless and people just be laughing at you, you disgrace yourself in the process. Keep sm friendly and light is the best policy.

Frodogo · 20/08/2021 15:24

YANBU. A few people always say that it's none of your business how someone spends money you've given them, and while I agree that there's nothing you can do about it other than speak to her, of course you feel duped! Someone who's just been crying about not having enough money to feed her children shouldn't be spending on flowers, especially when the flowers were a "just because" gift.

I wouldn't say anything, but I'd remember, and I'd never give her money again.

yellowsofa · 20/08/2021 16:27

We provided a friend with food and money regularly for a few months as he'd lost his job...overseas and no government help.
Then we saw him on SM praising and recommending the dresses and shoes he'd just bought his wife.
Yet they were meant to be struggling and in deep debt.
Lovely people but it just felt really wrong.
We decided to continue with the food but no more cash.

toolazytothinkofausername · 21/08/2021 09:24

@Kitten9 Do you have an update?

Original poster

Kitten9 · 21/08/2021 09:31

Sorry everyone, it's been a busy week so I haven't had time to come back with an update! I ended up messaging her and simply saying that I wasn't able to help this time, and pointed her in the direction of resources that might be helpful in the future.

She seemed to take it quite well (that might be because her cousin ended up paying the bill for her!) and I didn't mention the flowers as honestly I'm not great at potentially awkward conversations.

Thanks so much for all the helpful advice and alternative ways of looking at the situation, it's a shame because I'll definitely think twice before giving money again which could mean that someone genuine ends up missing out. I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!

OP posts:

Balgoresboy · 21/08/2021 10:57

''She seemed to take it quite well (that might be because her cousin ended up paying the bill for her!)''

yep people like this usually have a fund, aka person, b, c d e...

nonotmenotI · 21/08/2021 11:08

I have a friend that will text me asking for a loan of money until x day, one day she asked for £40 so I sent it, 20 minutes later she text again saying she had forgotten a direct debit coming out and asked for another £70. I said no and went in the huff saying my husband earns loads of money and I'm always buying my kids things. I'm pretty sure she was online gambling because of a few things she had said in the past. Im not helping fund that habit while her children are wearing designer clothes and shoes. Her 3 children are close in age and the youngest doesn't wear the 2 eldest stuff that they've grown out of, she buys new.

UnsuitableHat · 21/08/2021 11:35

@Kitten9 sounds like you’ve resolved it well. You’ve already given her a generous gift; more than many people would give to a friend. I think you were right not to mention the flowers.

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