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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying flowers with no money?

273 replies

Kitten9 · 13/08/2021 07:29

Earlier this week one of my close friends confided her money struggles to me - she lost her job a couple of months ago and due to various factors has not had any income at all. She told me she had absolutely nothing and had maxed out all her credit cards, and was genuinely upset and crying about how she was going to feed her children and keep a roof over their heads. I didn’t get the impression that she was asking me for money, but I wanted to help and so I gave her £300 as a gift (I can afford it and don’t need or expect it back)

However yesterday I saw on Facebook that one of her other friends had posted a photo of a beautiful bunch of flowers, thanking my friend for sending them for absolutely no reason. I honestly can’t tell if I’m BU for being a little annoyed - the flowers didn’t look cheap, and I would have expected her to prioritise her bills and savings if she was in such dire straits. I suppose I feel as though I’ve been a little duped and that her situation isn’t as bad as I was lead to believe.

Fully prepared to be told that I’m a miserable hag!

OP posts:
mstroutpout · 19/08/2021 16:49

I Borrowed £300 from a friend a while back and was so paranoid about seeming as though I hadn't spent it wisely. She came in to a pub I was in with another friend (who was paying as I'd done a favour for her) and I tied myself in knots explaining how I could afford to be there etc.

The flowers could be paid for by someone else, won, they could have been bought with an old voucher, offer on Freddies Flowers, or similar. There could be all kinds of explanations.

You gifted her the money, I think you need to leave it there.

Don't make the same mistake again.

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/08/2021 17:09

@mstroutpout

I Borrowed £300 from a friend a while back and was so paranoid about seeming as though I hadn't spent it wisely. She came in to a pub I was in with another friend (who was paying as I'd done a favour for her) and I tied myself in knots explaining how I could afford to be there etc.

The flowers could be paid for by someone else, won, they could have been bought with an old voucher, offer on Freddies Flowers, or similar. There could be all kinds of explanations.

You gifted her the money, I think you need to leave it there.

Don't make the same mistake again.

So how could you afford pub outings when you're reduced to borrowing from friends?
Blossomtoes · 19/08/2021 17:15

So how could you afford pub outings when you're reduced to borrowing from friends?

I was in with another friend (who was paying as I'd done a favour for her)

As a pp has said, she might not have paid for the flowers. I use Bloom and Wild and get a code for a free lot every now and then. I still would be wary of lending her any more money.

Viviennemary · 19/08/2021 18:15

No I dont think OP should leave it there. She was conned out of £300 by a sob story. She should ask her to repay it and shame her on Facebook. She might think twice before making a mug of someody again.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 19/08/2021 21:20

You know you are on MN when no one, by the end of page 2, mentions that £300 is a massive amount to give, yes give to someone who is a friend 😲🤯.
Parallel universe.

SunShinesBrightly · 19/08/2021 21:35

@Doingtheboxerbeat

You know you are on MN when no one, by the end of page 2, mentions that £300 is a massive amount to give, yes give to someone who is a friend 😲🤯. Parallel universe.
It’s implied by most people.

13/08/2021 07:39 ExpressDelivery
I think if you give a gift it has to be unconditional, but yes, I'd be annoyed too. I wouldn't be helping her out again. TBH £300 was a crazy thing to do in the first place. Too much money as a windfall for someone who can't manage money.

Standrewsschool · 19/08/2021 21:47

Op - any more requests or emails?

WhatAShilohPitt · 19/08/2021 22:00

I’d say a straight no to lending any more money. I’d have to raise the flowers or it would bug me. Nobody who needs to borrow money should be buying non-essentials like flowers- it’s really that simple.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 19/08/2021 22:08

@SunShinesBrightly, I only got to the end of page 2, and I was furious Grin. £300 isn't just a shopping voucher, it is an electricity bill and possibly a monthly car payment. All I was seeing were replies such as "at least it was only £300" and my head exploded. Slightly hormonal Blush.

mstroutpout · 19/08/2021 23:06

@GreyhoundG1rl I had done some work for a different friend at no cost so she took me out to say thank you.

messybun101 · 19/08/2021 23:10

The nerve of this CF to run to you for a council tax bill. Complete CF!

user1473878824 · 19/08/2021 23:37

@RedHelenB

Maybe she was fed up of being the taker all the time and wanted to be the giver?
And? She’s taken £300 because she’s apparently in desperate need. She can be the giver when it’s actually her money.
GreyhoundG1rl · 19/08/2021 23:40

[quote mstroutpout]@GreyhoundG1rl I had done some work for a different friend at no cost so she took me out to say thank you. [/quote]
Yes, sorry, you included it in your post Blush

BarbaraofSeville · 20/08/2021 05:32

[quote Doingtheboxerbeat]@SunShinesBrightly, I only got to the end of page 2, and I was furious Grin. £300 isn't just a shopping voucher, it is an electricity bill and possibly a monthly car payment. All I was seeing were replies such as "at least it was only £300" and my head exploded. Slightly hormonal Blush.[/quote]
I don't think people are saying 'at least it was only £300' because they think it is pocket change that no-one will miss, although fortunately for the OP, it doesn't sound like she's been put into hardship by giving this money away.

More that others have 'lent' much larger sums, often thousands of pounds, in similar situations where they've been guilted into helping out friends and family claiming poverty, only to watch them spend the money on all manner of non essentials.

Kapalika · 20/08/2021 05:38

First paragraph is spot on.

Kapalika · 20/08/2021 05:39

Sorry I meant @BarbaraofSeville was spot on

LalalalalalaLand123 · 20/08/2021 07:34

In my experience, giving money to people like that is pointless, it just goes the way the rest of their money has gone.
I've learned to offer practical advice & assistance instead - creating a spending diary, budget, contacting debtors, debt charities etc. I've found that these offers are always rejected, which to me demonstrates that they dont want to change their spending ways. Sorry your friend has treated you like this OP.

QuimReaper · 20/08/2021 08:30

@rookiemere That's exactly what it was - I wouldn't ave batted an eyelid if she'd replaced something she used daily like foundation or mascara, but I specifically remember she was working her way through her haul, and picked up this little pot of 'Benetint' lip balm and said 'and then I just got this little thing' as though it was a tiny throwaway purchase. I happened to know it cost £14.50, as I'd bought it before as a present for my sister. I was skipping bus journeys to make the £10 I put on my Oyster card stretch further, and really didn't think of £14.50 as a little throwaway amount. And meanwhile I was arguably funding this attitude by paying a chunk of her council tax a month. The lack of awareness with which she paraded her huge spending spree in front of me whilst claiming she needed us all to cover her bills because she was so poor was so striking to me - she really did think money was just nothing to us.

Like your friend though, she never explicitly asked for handouts, and I think she grew up a bit over the intervening years - being confronted about it by my replacement housemate seemed to give her a much-needed slap in the face. There was a sequel a few years later, when she and another friend and I arranged to meet in a pub for dinner, and she turned up and said 'I won't be eating anything because I'm broke'. It put us in a dreadfully awkward position as we could hardly sit there and eat with her watching, so we said we'd cover her (she protested very weakly) but we were both disgruntled, as we both lived very locally to the pub, and if she'd said in advance that she was broke either one of us would have been happy to host at our place instead.

I sound like I detest this girl - I love her dearly really Grin I would never ever live with her again though.

SofaSpuds · 20/08/2021 11:41

I think it's good that you now know how your friend sees you, as a cash cow. It's up to you if you want to keep this friendship going, but I think if it was me I'd be out of there!

emilylily · 20/08/2021 12:32

You still did a nice thing!

Maybe there is an explanation for how she could buy the flowers but as they were not even for a birthday or funeral, I can definitely see why you are pissed off. It could be that her friend has actually been going through a really tough time that you are unaware of (for example a mental health crisis or a medical diagnosis) though and that your friend felt that she had to support your mutual friend in this way.

You might lose the friendship if you bring this up but you've learnt not to lend her money again.

HighNetGirth · 20/08/2021 12:39

Oh dear, no. She needs to face up to her situation not run up more debt. Refuse, tell her to contact the council urgently to explain her difficulties.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 20/08/2021 13:03

@Kitten9 what did you do in the end?

Upwherethebirdsfly · 20/08/2021 13:15

That would massively piss me off.

Scarlettpixie · 20/08/2021 13:27

I think yabu. You don’t know if the recipient might be going through something and could really do with cheering up. Your friend wanted to do something nice while she had the chance. Let it go and don’t give/lend money again if this bothers you so much.

mstroutpout · 20/08/2021 13:35

Perhaps it was an attempt at paying forward. She received a gift from you, paid her immediate bills then used (potentially only a little given all the flower delivery offers at the moment) the left over on cheering up a friend who could be having an awful tome herself.

More I think about his the more I feel like when you give money that's where your involvement ends and that if strings are attached that should be made clear.