Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying flowers with no money?

273 replies

Kitten9 · 13/08/2021 07:29

Earlier this week one of my close friends confided her money struggles to me - she lost her job a couple of months ago and due to various factors has not had any income at all. She told me she had absolutely nothing and had maxed out all her credit cards, and was genuinely upset and crying about how she was going to feed her children and keep a roof over their heads. I didn’t get the impression that she was asking me for money, but I wanted to help and so I gave her £300 as a gift (I can afford it and don’t need or expect it back)

However yesterday I saw on Facebook that one of her other friends had posted a photo of a beautiful bunch of flowers, thanking my friend for sending them for absolutely no reason. I honestly can’t tell if I’m BU for being a little annoyed - the flowers didn’t look cheap, and I would have expected her to prioritise her bills and savings if she was in such dire straits. I suppose I feel as though I’ve been a little duped and that her situation isn’t as bad as I was lead to believe.

Fully prepared to be told that I’m a miserable hag!

OP posts:
QueenHofScotland · 19/08/2021 07:46

Is there a reason that she isn’t accessing benefits?

Terhou · 19/08/2021 07:47

We also don’t know why she got someone flowers - was it just a birthday or has something happened and they really needed cheering up

You can cheer someone up without sending flowers. Maybe friend's creditors need cheering up by having their bills paid?

KateTheEighth · 19/08/2021 07:48

Don't do it.

She sees you as a soft touch, a cash cow.

This won't end well.

I once paid off my brother's credit card bill when he was struggling. He went to Spain with his mates the following week. I was furious.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 19/08/2021 07:49

Is she having a laugh?!

Definitely no more money, it obviously doesn’t help. She needs proper financial advice

speakout · 19/08/2021 07:51

A lesson learned OP.

BarbaraofSeville · 19/08/2021 07:53

If she has no income, then surely she's entitled to council tax benefit? So why would the OP give this friend money for a bill that doesn't need paying?

Assuming she's a single parent, she's entitled to financial help that would have at least pay her bills and buy food and she should have accessed it weeks ago. Why hasn't she?

That's what she needs to prioritise, not maxing out her credit cards, buying flowers and asking friends to pay her bills for her.

OP, stay strong, do not give her any more money, but offer to help with benefit claims and sorting out her credit cards if she's unable to sort this unassisted.

Namechange1million · 19/08/2021 07:54

Can't believe she burned through that money with no thought of a council tax bill that she must have knew was coming! She's an idiot and no matter how much money you give her will never solve her problems. She needs to stand on her own two feet. Perhaps reply asking what happened to the £300 and say you can't give her anymore and she need to learn how to budget. Maybe offer her advice on how to budget instead.

LagunaBubbles · 19/08/2021 07:55

She sees you as a soft touch, a cash cow

Totally agree. And sadly I think this will affect your friendship.

violetbunny · 19/08/2021 07:56

I would just reply with, "Sorry I'm confused, I saw you bought X some flowers the other day so I got the impression you had plenty of spare cash. Otherwise it seems a strange thing to prioritise over essentials like a council tax bill." Then whatever she says (which I am sure will be some kind of sob story), just say you don't have the money available to lend her.

KarmaStar · 19/08/2021 07:56

Send her in the direction of the friend she sent flowers too.She's a c.f. And,sad to say,is not seeing you as a friend but as an atm.

Newmumatlast · 19/08/2021 07:57

@Kitten9

I didn’t expect to get so many responses, it’s been really eye-opening reading through them! I’ve known her since high we were both 15, I’m 34 now so it’s a very long-running friendship and not one I’m willing to lose over money. I probably won’t say anything to her, but it’s a lesson learned.

Thinking back she has always struggled with money and asked for a couple of loans back when I was at university which I declined as I didn’t have a lot of money back then. I earn a high salary now so I can afford to part with £300, and as I framed it as a gift I suppose she can spend it on what she likes.

Definitely won’t be giving her anything else and will point her in the direction of food banks etc. in the future. Thanks again, all of you are absolutely fantastic!

OP I have a best friend who I love dearly but who is crap with money. She was in tens of thousands of pounds debt and I helped her by sitting down with her and working out what she owed, who to, what made sense to pay first etc and a sort of budget. She did get her debts paid off in the end but I am glad as a high earner I didnt just give her the money as even during this time she would randomly.go on shopping sprees etc - she was basically feeling shit and it made her feel better. So even if I had given her money for a direct bill, it wouldnt have helped her learn to budget because it then wouldve mean she would be more able to just spend her usual money frivolously with nothing learned.

I feel conflicted though when a good friend is struggling and I know I have spare. Though shes in a much better place financially now, sometimes she will say she is struggling for something and because she is also ill I want to help and it's always on the tip of my tongue but I hold back. I am usually glad that I do because she will usually tell me the next time we talk about something frivolous she has done meaning she must have the cash spare and if she saved all the frivolous bits she could afford the thing she needed.

That isnt to say I dont help but I usually do it by paying for lunch or a spa treatment or something that I am genuinely gifting and have no concerns about getting £ back for or need to judge as it is itself a frivolous treat. Paying for the frivolous treats seems to actually help more - she gets the buzz free of cost and her money can keep going on mundane stuff.

I have another friend who is the opposite and scrimps and saves to a ridiculous degree. I have given her a lump sum before (not massive) but specifically directed that it be spent on frivolous things! She is too good at budgeting and never treats herself.

thewooster · 19/08/2021 07:58

My old nan used to say never a borrower nor lender be.

Wise advice, but you felt sorry for her which makes you a kind hearted person. Lesson learned OP, don't be fooled twice.

3luckystars · 19/08/2021 07:59

That’s why she has money issues!

3luckystars · 19/08/2021 07:59

She can’t prioritise. I’d say if you looked at why she was spending on, you would be dumbfounded.

billy1966 · 19/08/2021 08:00

OP,
For her to come back days later after being given 300 tells you all you need to know.

You are a soft touch to her.

Kindly, but real friends do not behave this way.

Users behave this way.

Your relationship probably won't survive this, so best to prepare yourself.

Texting back "No, I can't" without apology or explanation is best.

She is very disrespectful of you to do this.

Flowers
RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 19/08/2021 08:03

I'd reply with 'what happened to the £300 I just gifted you, can't you use that?'

3luckystars · 19/08/2021 08:03

Just reply ‘I got that bill too today! What a shocker. Bank closed 😂’

Mayra1367 · 19/08/2021 08:03

I had a similar situation with someone I considered a friend. Took me a while to realise after some gentle hints from my husband. I always paid when we went anywhere, coffees , lunch etc plus lending small amounts of cash , which were never repaid. Once I stopped paying they disappeared out of my life . I felt used and hurt but have long since moved on . Shortly after I stopped subbing them they put a very large deposit down on a house so I suppose they were saving as they were spending my money .

nettie434 · 19/08/2021 08:04

OP, stay strong, do not give her any more money, but offer to help with benefit claims and sorting out her credit cards if she's unable to sort this unassisted.

I think this is a good idea. You could also help your friend apply to Stepchange (the debt advice charity).

www.stepchange.org/

She clearly needs help budgeting long term as you say she asked you for money when you were at university. As someone who used to have problems managing money (and is still impressed by some of the budgeters here), this will help her more than any cash gift in the long term.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/08/2021 08:07

I suppose I should have seen this coming… I’ve just woken up to a message from her asking to borrow money to pay her council tax bill. Sigh

Look on the bright side - at least you now know she's taking the piss and can plan accordingly

Not my idea of a friend, frankly ...

BaronessOfTheNorth · 19/08/2021 08:07

She sounds like she's really struggling. It was really kind of you to give her that money.

I wouldn't give her any more money but I would offer to sit down with her and make a budget spreadsheet.

I'd also send her a link to StepChange who will be able to help her find a way out of her debt.

pontiouspilates · 19/08/2021 08:08

@TheQueef

YABU assuming you didn't add any conditions to the gift.

It's cost you £300 to learn that others often have very different priorities!

Absolutely this
MissMogwai · 19/08/2021 08:11

@Kitten9

I suppose I should have seen this coming… I’ve just woken up to a message from her asking to borrow money to pay her council tax bill. Sigh.
She's marked you as her cash machine now. Some people are so hard faced it's shocking.

I can totally empathise as I have had this from a sibling for a long time. Burns through money then skint and can't pay for essential things.
Then holidays, redecorating every 5 minutes and expensive designer stuff until skint again and the gas bill needs paying.

I backed off as I realised I was being a massive mug and starting to resent the constant sob stories, only for pics of meals out and shopping to follow. I won't lend/give them cash again but have offered to pay for a shop or an urgent bill as they have DC.
Funnily enough this is never accepted, and I barely hear from them now 🧐

DancesWithTortoises · 19/08/2021 08:14

Be very firm and say no more. Mention the flowers.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 19/08/2021 08:14

I've just seen your post with her asking you for more money. It's a clear "Sorry, no - sounds like this is an ongoing issue so may be worth chatting to StepChange or similar?"

At a stretch I imagined her having vouchers for the flowers or something - I have literally hundreds of £ in vouchers for one of the meal prep companies, it does happen - but no, she's just taking advantage, deliberately or not.