No, most step mothers do not "know what they're getting into"

[Wobb]

How could they if it's their first experience of being a step parent or having a blended family?

"You went into this with your eyes wide open"

Yes indeed, full of good intentions and hopes for the future in most cases.

Nobody can predict how dynamics will play out later on down the line.

I don't think any step parent enters into the role, choosing to settle down with somebody who has a first family, in full knowledge that they will be miserable or not cut out for it. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Please stop saying this to step parents who are finding it difficult.

I'm guessing you find it difficult?

I agree. Especially if you don't have kids of your own. How could you possibly know?

@Elkey

I'm guessing you find it difficult?

I have never been so depressed.

I met DH when I was 23 and he a decade older, so I was incredibly naive but that's all I'll scold myself for. I couldn't possibly forsee how things would end up because I was blindly optimistic and thought if I gave it my all then everybody would be happy.

To be fair, I think everybody else is.

@Julianne82xoxo

I agree. Especially if you don't have kids of your own. How could you possibly know?

Yep.

I was 23 and childless. I always liked children.

I think from reading many a thread on this topic, the main problems are :

Show "too little" interest and you are cold.
Show "too much" interest and you are overstepping AND WHO ARE YOU

Clashes in rules and expectations between households

Not being able to plan as you might want because Contact comes first

The Honeymoon phase is an illusion that doesn't last, and problems that were once minor become consuming

And even with just these things so many ongoing minor issues stem from these things.

I'm a step-granny, all the responsibility and none of the authority, plus the joy of a 50 year old sniping away cause your not their Mum.

But at least I can walk way.

How old are the kids? and does your OH have your back?

I don't think any step parent enters into the role, choosing to settle down with somebody who has a first family, in full knowledge that they will be miserable or not cut out for it. What a ridiculous thing to say.

It’s also pretty ridiculous to say that stepparents don’t know what they’re getting into. Of course they don’t know exactly how it will turn out - but they all know it will be difficult. How could you not?

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit

I think from reading many a thread on this topic, the main problems are :

Show "too little" interest and you are cold.
Show "too much" interest and you are overstepping AND WHO ARE YOU

Clashes in rules and expectations between households

Not being able to plan as you might want because Contact comes first

The Honeymoon phase is an illusion that doesn't last, and problems that were once minor become consuming

And even with just these things so many ongoing minor issues stem from these things.

Absolutely spot on there.

I understand. I think there is difficult (normal step parenting) and then there is DIFFICULT (truly tough step parenting).

From reading about blended families on MN, being a step parent seems an absolutely thankless and impossible task.

Upper primary and going into secondary.

Of course people know that things might be hard sometimes, nobody when TTC themselves truly believe the sleep deprivation and lifestyle overhaul is going to be easy do they?

People pursue things out of love, with good intentions and hopes for the future. Because they think it'll be worth it.

We wouldn't tell a hormonal postpartum mother "well you knew what you were getting yourself into when you decided to have a baby" would we?

So much depends on whether the first wife is a decent person or not. I've known some very happy blended families when all the adults work together for the good of all the children. Give and take on both sides.

I know other where the first wife constantly snipes and demands and tries to make life miserable for their exes - even when they were the ones who chose to split.

I've known some where the DHs expect the new wife to be mothers to their children. Selfish and not right.

How was I to know their mum would start acting shitty when we had our LO when she gave no signs of even acknowledging my existence before that?

@StepGarlic

How was I to know their mum would start acting shitty when we had our LO when she gave no signs of even acknowledging my existence before that?

for you.

I totally understand.

DH's ex partner was perfectly civil towards me, until we decided to have a baby of our own.

Absolutely YANBU.
I also see threads where parents are talking about difficulties like being exhausted with a newborn. You’ll find far fewer people patronisingly saying “you knew what you were getting into”.

I am not a stepparent and do not have a stepparent. My mum is a stepparent however, and I grew up in a blended family.

I think it is hard, and pretty thankless. It's rare for warmth and welcome to be fully reciprocated, and like others have said, the line between "cold" and "overstepping" is very thin. On the other hand I think parental separation and remarriage is probably very hard on children too.

Nonsense. MN gives a very one sided view of step parenting and blended families.
I love our blended family. Don't experience any of the issues that come up on this forum. Maybe just fortunate and some would say it's because we don't live together but we are all really happy.

You got to remember people post the bad things on here not the positive stories.

@MiaMarshmallows

Nonsense. MN gives a very one sided view of step parenting and blended families. I love our blended family. Don't experience any of the issues that come up on this forum. Maybe just fortunate and some would say it's because we don't live together but we are all really happy.

Naturally people are most likely to post about and want advice for something that isn't going well.

I don't think I've ever seen a thread started by a SP who just wanted to say how happy/thankful they are, but I don't doubt that those fortunate families exist.

Good call on not living together, you get to experience alot of the good stuff and not so much negative.

So much depends on whether the first wife is a decent person or not

Because no man ever behaved badly? And all step mums are saints?

Part of the issue is the expectation that one party does exactly what is asked of them or they are labelled difficult or obstructive or alienating.

The partnerships I've witnessed have been - man ends up single. He has the baby/child/children at weekends and one night a week. Man shits himself because he can't possibly take care of children while he's got his life to lead, such as shagging around, drinking and being a lunatic workaholic.

Immediately seeks out passive, pliant girlfriend. Tells her she's got a nurturing side.

Chucks kids at her and legs it out of the door. Creates an argument any time she complains.

He wins. Free nanny.

I remember handing tissues to a weeping girl in our group whose 'boyfriend' - a man 20 years older - had decided his 13 year old son, only a few years younger than her, could come and live with them now, and she'd have to give up work to do the school runs and the homework and drive him to practise and... that was her life over. She didn't leave.

I agree it’s an unfair thing to say. But as with most things, somewhere in the nuances is an element of truth. Because it’s a simple fact that children change relationships; once you have them, their needs are your first priority always. For couples who share children, this is hopefully tolerable because this new order of priorities affects you both in the same way. You’re both attached to and prioritising the same kids, and you both understand what that means and how it feels.

For step parents, the step kids are unlikely to be a higher priority than their partner. But for their partner, the needs of their children will always be a higher priority than the step parent (or at least - they should be). It puts the couple on an uneven footing from the first, and I believe that can be very hard for the step parent to tolerate.

A prospective step parent can’t anticipate how it will actually feel to always be below the needs of the children in order of priority. But I think it’s naive for them not to consider the fact that that will happen, and to consider how they will work around it. Because you can’t fix that problem by saying the parent has to put their partner ahead of the needs of their kids sometimes; that option isn’t on the table, and expecting it will cause resentment. It’s only going to work if the step parent embraces the order of priority and learns to live with it.

But that’s a lot to expect of a person, and that’s why resentment builds so easily.

@OaxacaChihuahua I think that’s a very measured response.

From a young age I knew I didn’t want to settle with someone who already had kids - I wanted a responsibility free relationship, to be the centre of someone’s world (within reason) and i wanted to share experiences such as getting married having children for the first time together.

So I never dated anyone with kids because I knew I wouldn’t be cut out for that life, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to get into.

Having said that, I think it’s pointless stating it after the matter, and for many women/people the reality is harder than they expected. Foreseeable problems that they hadn’t considered crop up - resources, time, children changing as they age and most importantly the issues and split priorities when additional DC arrive.

I do see many happy blended families mind you, but also others where the family is a bear pit.

Similarly to @Thadhiya, I think a lot of relationships end because men don't pull their weight. They then get panicked by and resentful of the drudgery of having to care for their children single-handedly and seek another female to offload their responsibilities onto. The situation becomes complicated when a new baby arrives, step-mum becomes more financially dependent on the dad and he takes advantage of her being trapped by loading the chores and children onto her. Meanwhile, he's probably still a shit father to his first kids so his ex gets annoyed with him and feels she's doing most of the work (which she is) since he only has them EOW and pays the minimum. And she can't understand why step-mum is with him and runs after him. So her resentment is added into the mix. And step-mum feels her child isn't prioritised (which they're not) and that she's being treated as a skivvy and live-in free childcare (which she probably is). And the kids resent her because it's easier to believe that your step-mum is evil then that your dad's a bit shit. Toxic all round, really.

I agree some very well measured posts here. It's refreshing to see it discussed properly without the automatic line being "you knew what you were getting yourself into"

It's almost always much more nuanced and complicated than that.

I will hold my hands up and admit I was very naive, however unlike a PP above that knew from the get-go that a man with children wouldn't work for her I was very different.

I had always liked children and had plenty of patience for the ones in my life, family/friends. I wasn't intimidated by the prospect of not coming first. I never expected to. I truly believed I was up to the job.

I still do, to an extent, but not in a situation like this one where the dynamics between DH and ex are as they are.

I certainly wouldn't enter into another relationship with a man with children though, not unless they had grown and flown the nest.

Because only now, after living it, do I know what I got myself into