No, most step mothers do not "know what they're getting into"

[Wobb]

How could they if it's their first experience of being a step parent or having a blended family?

"You went into this with your eyes wide open"

Yes indeed, full of good intentions and hopes for the future in most cases.

Nobody can predict how dynamics will play out later on down the line.

I don't think any step parent enters into the role, choosing to settle down with somebody who has a first family, in full knowledge that they will be miserable or not cut out for it. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Please stop saying this to step parents who are finding it difficult.

Perhaps the first wife has more reason to feel angry and let down

You can't pour from an empty cup though and years of crap tends to have that effect on people

Works both ways

Yes of course it does, I'm sure there are a minority of step parents that come on the scene and try to make things difficult - you get arseholes in every walk of life - but they don't represent the majority of us.

Any woman who does come into children's lives and mistreat them or cause problems where there are non, is a shitty person and should be held accountable - but they don't represent us normal folk who do go above and beyond to make things work.

@Macncheeseballs

Perhaps the first wife has more reason to feel angry and let down

And perhaps she's just a massive knob.

And tbh even if she has excellent reasons to feel angry and let down it doesn't excuse twattish behaviour to her exs partner who was f all to do with the let down, and her own child/ren.

It’s also pretty ridiculous to say that stepparents don’t know what they’re getting into. Of course they don’t know exactly how it will turn out - but they all know it will be difficult. How could you not?

Honestly at the age of 23 there's no way I would have wanted to settle down with a man 10 years older with children.

I agree with goldbar

Sorry to hear it's so difficult. I'm not being unsympathetic.

I also think that people with babies do know what they're getting into. It's common to hear parents of small children moaning about lack of money/time/sleep. It wasn't a big surprise to me & in fact it was easier than I thought it would be based on the horror stories I had heard.

And perhaps she's just a massive knob. And tbh even if she has excellent reasons to feel angry and let down it doesn't excuse twattish behaviour to her exs partner who was f all to do with the let down, and her own child/ren

Yes, quite.

Often second wives / partners are treat as though they are the OW even though they came onto the scene way after the divorce or break up. Years in some cases.

Some women just can't come to terms with another woman being on the scene and being step parent to their children and having their siblings, and I can empathise because I'm sure I'd find it quite difficult to start with myself too, but that doesn't justify making the woman's life a misery and weaponising the children by putting them in a difficult position making it clear you can't stand the new wife or girlfriend so the children have long lasting internal conflict about loyalties.

I wish the 'you knew what you were getting into' was a banned phrase too! It's so dumb. Of course we bloody don't.
DH and his ex had a very sensible, thoughtful approach to parenting their kids post split. Still not always easy.
I had no kids and no clue. We seem to have muddled through though and still all quite like each other.

Often second wives / partners are treat as though they are the OW even though they came onto the scene way after the divorce or break up. Years in some cases.

If you're happy with DH then don't allow her to bully you - she knows what she's doing. She wants to make things difficult so she can split you up.

There will be twatishness on both sides on occasion, doubtless. Twats will be twats. For every mum behaving badly there will be an equal number of step mums behaving badly. Lord knows you'll read plenty of both on here.

I just think a lot of women choose to direct their anger at the ex, because it's less problematic than admitting there are problems in their relationship or with their partner.

@whycantwegoonasthree

There will be twatishness on both sides on occasion, doubtless. Twats will be twats. For every mum behaving badly there will be an equal number of step mums behaving badly. Lord knows you'll read plenty of both on here.

I just think a lot of women choose to direct their anger at the ex, because it's less problematic than admitting there are problems in their relationship or with their partner.

and a lot of women say the above because it's uncomfortable to admit that quite often it's the ex wife that causes the problems.

I appreciate a lot of people have husband problems but i wish people would accept that for some of us it is not just "a bit of twattishness". For some of us, it is years of mental abuse.

I think up to a certain point, you do know what you're getting into. You know there are kids on the scene and that things won't be as straight forward as if there weren't. Fair enough.
But ultimately what you don't know is how far things might go, other external factors that might come into play in the future, how you will feel about things then, how relationships might develop or deteriorate over time as the children get older, what your tolerance limits might be when they are as yet untested etc etc etc.
So pretty much like every thing else in life, love and relationships then.
I don't go on the LP board and tell the single mums that they should have known their ex was a shit who wouldn't pay maintenance before they left him or they should have known they would break up and not had children with him.
That would be very unreasonable and nasty, so I don't do that.

Maybe the ex wives/partners are worried about their kids? I would find it difficult to wave my DC off every second weekend to a shit dad and a disinterested step-mum. Neither woman is to blame in that situation - the mum just wants the best for her kids, which doesn't include them feeling like spare parts in another house where they're not really welcome, and the step-mum is rightly putting boundaries in place so she doesn't end up doing all the parenting for her partner. But it's not great for the kids. It must be very difficult after a relationship breakup to share your children when often it is inadequate parenting on the part of one parent which is a major cause of the breakup.

I would agree that absolutely nobody expects to end up in a situation where another person, who they have no relationship with, gets to spin a roulette wheel of batshit crazy statements, and whatever it lands on dictates your life until they focus on something else.

Perhaps the first wife has more reason to feel angry and let down

No reason to be a twat with her ex’s partner though.

Maybe they’re both facing battles because of the same man? I’d say in that case the second wife will be suffering more. And even more reason for the first wife to leave the second one alone.

Maybe the first wife is pissed off because the second wife has boundaries and doesn’t always want to meet the first wife’s unreasonable demands and expectations.

@Goldbar

Maybe the ex wives/partners are worried about their kids? I would find it difficult to wave my DC off every second weekend to a shit dad and a disinterested step-mum. Neither woman is to blame in that situation - the mum just wants the best for her kids, which doesn't include them feeling like spare parts in another house where they're not really welcome, and the step-mum is rightly putting boundaries in place so she doesn't end up doing all the parenting for her partner. But it's not great for the kids. It must be very difficult after a relationship breakup to share your children when often it is inadequate parenting on the part of one parent which is a major cause of the breakup.

But you're assuming there is a shit dad and a disinterested step mum in every situation where the ex wife is a twat? As in she's justified in being a twat? Dear me. Is it really that hard to accept that sometimes the ex is entirely at fault?

@DancesWithTortoises

So much depends on whether the first wife is a decent person or not. I've known some very happy blended families when all the adults work together for the good of all the children. Give and take on both sides.

I know other where the first wife constantly snipes and demands and tries to make life miserable for their exes - even when they were the ones who chose to split.

I've known some where the DHs expect the new wife to be mothers to their children. Selfish and not right.

Be careful in believing this.

My exH probably tells his girlfriends that I'm a difficult ex. Because I do things like insist we keep to the routine and refuse to allow him to change weeks so he can go on holiday with her. That's not being difficult - he only sees the kids EOW. Our kids thrive from routine and knowing where they stand and where they're supposed to be, and with my exH in particular if you give an inch he will take a mile. So if I say yea this once, before I know it he's taking the piss and seeing them once every two months. So the only demand I make is that he sees them EOW as agreed.

But you'd be amazed to see how well people can spin this into me being 'difficult

I was very naive about what I was getting into and why wouldn’t I be - I didn’t have children, I’d never been in a relationship with someone who had a child and I didn’t know anyone who had been in that position very well to hear about the ups and downs

Be careful in believing this

Ah yes, because us step mum's don't have working eyes nor brains to see and understand unreasonable behaviour ourselves, we just take it as gospel from our husbands like the idiots we apparently are.

@Thadhiya

The partnerships I've witnessed have been - man ends up single. He has the baby/child/children at weekends and one night a week. Man shits himself because he can't possibly take care of children while he's got his life to lead, such as shagging around, drinking and being a lunatic workaholic.

Immediately seeks out passive, pliant girlfriend. Tells her she's got a nurturing side.

Chucks kids at her and legs it out of the door. Creates an argument any time she complains.

He wins. Free nanny.

I remember handing tissues to a weeping girl in our group whose 'boyfriend' - a man 20 years older - had decided his 13 year old son, only a few years younger than her, could come and live with them now, and she'd have to give up work to do the school runs and the homework and drive him to practise and... that was her life over. She didn't leave.

This should be printed in a tea towel or something it's SO true.

There's also serious disparity in how single dads are viewed vs single mums. Katherine Ryan explains it well in the video below. But I think women are conditioned to see a doting dad as a huge plus point rather than something they should avoid like the plague.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro. I'm sure there are some situations where ex wives do behave appallingly. Some of the conduct described above, if true, amounts to harassment and is breaking the law. I just think there are more situations where the two women both start off intending to be reasonable and have a good relationship (or at least minimal contact) but resentments simmer (especially when there is a new baby on the scene) because there is insufficient flexibility and they have different views about how the children should be prioritised.

[quote Goldbar]@Getyourarseofffthequattro. I'm sure there are some situations where ex wives do behave appallingly. Some of the conduct described above, if true, amounts to harassment and is breaking the law. I just think there are more situations where the two women both start off intending to be reasonable and have a good relationship (or at least minimal contact) but resentments simmer (especially when there is a new baby on the scene) because there is insufficient flexibility and they have different views about how the children should be prioritised.[/quote]
Yes I'm sure that does happen too, but even when it does it's totally unreasonable to act like a twat when it effects your children. That in my opinion is what many women forget.

I think without doubt some ex’s can be difficult. It’s another reason why I chose not to date men with kids? Really it’s a three way relationship as a good parent will always consider their DC and therefore sometimes their ex by association. I knew I would resent that.

I don’t mean to sound smug, I hope I don’t.

I’m an over thinker so in line with what some have said above - before I got married I considered being cheated on, before DC I considered (very closely) what that would mean for me, my life and my marriage.

So yes, ‘you know what you were getting into’ is often a harsh statement but I think most people should consider the downfall of every decision they make so their choice is informed.

@StepGarlic

she, in herself, is nothing to me that's how I feel about my DSC's mum. But I seem to be enemy no.1 to her now I've had a LO. She complains i clearly have money to spend so should be spending it on her kids wtf. I earnt my own money. And then tells DH I should comb her kids hair for nits. No it's not my fault their dad is useless at doing the nit treatment. I'm not a bloody hairdresser.

Yeah my exH's GF (who has met my kids) is nothing to me and I don't care to know anything about her. If she got pregnant it changes things because then she is the mother of their sibling. And I'd encourage a healthy relationship (I also love baby cuddles and would be ha jerking for a snuggle or 2 ). I definitely wouldn't be telling her to comb nits from my kids hair though in fact I'd be making sure that exH WASN'T foisting that job off to her 🤣

People often seem to get into a debate of first wife vs stepmum and completely forget the common denominator, which is the man in the middle.

Too often stepmums seem to take on a lot of pressure and responsibility around caring for step kids and liaising with mum when actually their dad should be doing all the back and forward and rubbish difficult jobs.

I mean I struggle to believe that in the majority of cases it’s all the ex wife’s/gfs fault I mean what are the odds that all these single blokes with children all have crazy ex wife’s just out to cause trouble for no reason…. It’s quite nice and easy for men to paint their ex’s children or no children as the crazy one which is instant 🚩

But yes and no to “you knew what you was getting involved in” yes you knew he had children obviously but no you don’t know exactly how that will work out. Majority of the time though the children will see it very differently to the adults who claim it a big wondering success.

As a child of a half family step parent family I would never do it myself.

I think a lot of step family issues are down to the men or to not be sexist the nrp. The resident parents gets all the daily bs and the emotional outlet from the children while the nrp May get some but they don’t get the true true story as home is where it’s safe to let it out and that’s with the resident parent.