No, most step mothers do not "know what they're getting into"

[Wobb]

How could they if it's their first experience of being a step parent or having a blended family?

"You went into this with your eyes wide open"

Yes indeed, full of good intentions and hopes for the future in most cases.

Nobody can predict how dynamics will play out later on down the line.

I don't think any step parent enters into the role, choosing to settle down with somebody who has a first family, in full knowledge that they will be miserable or not cut out for it. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Please stop saying this to step parents who are finding it difficult.

@OaxacaChihuahua

I agree it’s an unfair thing to say. But as with most things, somewhere in the nuances is an element of truth. Because it’s a simple fact that children change relationships; once you have them, their needs are your first priority always. For couples who share children, this is hopefully tolerable because this new order of priorities affects you both in the same way. You’re both attached to and prioritising the same kids, and you both understand what that means and how it feels.

For step parents, the step kids are unlikely to be a higher priority than their partner. But for their partner, the needs of their children will always be a higher priority than the step parent (or at least - they should be). It puts the couple on an uneven footing from the first, and I believe that can be very hard for the step parent to tolerate.

A prospective step parent can’t anticipate how it will actually feel to always be below the needs of the children in order of priority. But I think it’s naive for them not to consider the fact that that will happen, and to consider how they will work around it. Because you can’t fix that problem by saying the parent has to put their partner ahead of the needs of their kids sometimes; that option isn’t on the table, and expecting it will cause resentment. It’s only going to work if the step parent embraces the order of priority and learns to live with it.

But that’s a lot to expect of a person, and that’s why resentment builds so easily.

OaxacaChihuahua I think that's brilliant a brilliant overview.

My children have a stepmum, and I'm an 'unofficial' stepmum to my DPs children - but they're adults so it's a rather different gig.

The problem I have with threads like this is how much ammo gets levelled at the Mums - how they're so often the axis of all Step-mum's ire.

But the mum has no responsibility to care about the stepmum beyond the requirements of being a decent human and in the best interests of the children concerned. Essentially there is someone in our children's life - and therefore in our lives - that we didn't choose and over whom we have no say or influence.

As much as I go out of my way to be kind and welcoming to my DCs stepmum wherever possible, she, in herself, is nothing to me - she's not a friend, or a relative. My interest in her, to be frank, begins and ends with how she treats my DCs. If she has a problem, she needs to take it up with her husband. It's nothing to do with me. (Even if it's to do with me...) Her wellbeing is not my concern beyond the extent to which it might impact my kids.

I'm lucky – I broadly like my kids Stepmum. She's good to the children, and frankly my ExHusband seems to have offloaded most of the day to day parenting grind to her, so I feel a bit for her. (Plus ca change...) And I'm not insecure about my kids attachment to me or anything - which all helps. She has some funny views (as does my ex TBH) but they're pretty easily worked around.

But there seems to be an expectation that a stepmum's wellbeing is somehow in any way the responsibility with the mum of her stepkids - and if she's upset or hurt by something parenting-related, so often the blame is laid at our door as well. And I don't feel that's fair, on any level.

And I don't think mums who behave well get enough credit for being big enough to accept a new person - over who they had not say - being inserted into the lives of her children. It's not an easy thing.

she, in herself, is nothing to me that's how I feel about my DSC's mum. But I seem to be enemy no.1 to her now I've had a LO. She complains i clearly have money to spend so should be spending it on her kids wtf. I earnt my own money. And then tells DH I should comb her kids hair for nits. No it's not my fault their dad is useless at doing the nit treatment. I'm not a bloody hairdresser.

I much preferred it when we were both nothing to each other.

Also quite a few of the common problems that you read here, are nothing to do with the step situation, that’s just a symptom.

The cause is often the DH/DP, if the kids didn’t exist the relationship would still be shit.

Does sometimes make me wonder why original relationship broke down tbh.

So much depends on whether the first wife is a decent person or not.

Yeah, it's all her fault.

It'll be yours next.

@StepGarlic

she, in herself, is nothing to me that's how I feel about my DSC's mum. But I seem to be enemy no.1 to her now I've had a LO. She complains i clearly have money to spend so should be spending it on her kids wtf. I earnt my own money. And then tells DH I should comb her kids hair for nits. No it's not my fault their dad is useless at doing the nit treatment. I'm not a bloody hairdresser.

If she's complaining to you, then cease contact.

If she's complaining to your DH and he's passing it on to you, then your problem is with him, and you and he need to resolve it.

If your DH is useless, that's nothing to do with her either. She had the sense not to stay with him, you didn't.

Her responsibility is the wellbeing of her kids and making sure they get nit treatment, your feelings or sense of injustice is not her problem.

True he shouldn't have told me she wants me to pay for them. I did tell him that and he stopped.

If your DH is useless, that's nothing to do with her either. She had the sense not to stay with him, you didn't. he's not useless he is just crap at combing their hair and she won't let him take them for a hair cut. He can do the nit treatment but they will still have nits. So she told the DSC to tell me she says I have to do it. So DH clarified and she said yes she did say I'd have to do it if he can't. Yet I'm not allowed to help with their home schooling even though I have qualifications that are relevant. Again, message sent to me via the child. If DH had been told those messages he knows not to pass them on to me. But I wish I could go back to being nothing to her, not a hairdresser.

I don't think you can always know what you are getting into because it's hard sometimes to predict where the problems will come from and how it will really feel when it's your day to day life.

Sometimes the DH changes - and that happens in non-blended situations too of course

Sometimes the ex spouse is okay at first and then not okay - or there develops an issue in their house which then impact yours.

Sometimes the teen years create issues (just like in non blended households) but as a step-parent you don't have the memories of all the oxytocin-laden baby years to get you through the tough teen ones without despair.

It's easier to brush off your bio child yelling at you because deep down you know they still love you.

You don't have that same situation with a step-child.

Although, I can't describe how much it moves me when my SDDs say something lovely about me or to me - it's a real gooey feeling. Very different from the love shown by my DD but just as deep.

Oh god I so sympathise with this whycantwe

Dp is a great dad, we have his kids 50:50 and I don't parent them, he does that. I do support, in that I'll do their washing and cook dinner etc but only because I'm doing everybody else's, my kids included. But if his kids didn't have clean uniform or whatever he totally knows it's his fault.

So why when they need new shoes/lunchbox/haircut does DPs ex think it's down its down to me

I think anyone getting into a relationship with someone who has kids should spend time reading the step parent board on here. The same issues come up time and time again. Reading on there and seeing what I’ve seen in real life would be enough to put anyone off.

The problem I have with threads like this is how much ammo gets levelled at the Mums - how they're so often the axis of all Step-mum's ire

In my case it's very 50/50.

50% her being purposefully awkward and at times purely nasty, and 50% how DH deals with that.

For example, there have been times that ex has been an absolute arsehole and DH has said and done the bare minimum (largely nothing) because he doesn't want to add fuel to the fire because there is a history of conflict with contact (in this case that translates to her trying to withdraw it and make it difficult for him to see DSC)

Ideally she wouldn't be so high conflict and he would have more of a backbone.

I've had to put up with a lot of shit, ranging from malicious SS reports to her sending DSC here with covid symptoms without being tested and failing to tell DH that for three days prior they've had a cough and temperature - whilst I was pregnant after multiple losses. I have no doubt that was a deliberate "fuck you"

The only courtesy I ever expected from her was that she let us know in advance, so at the very least we could arrange tests for them first, as I would expect DH to do for her if it were the other way round.

Demanding DH go and see DSC on the morning I was labouring at home, leaving me alone. Admittedly I insisted that he did go because like most of the time I was desperate to put them first, even to my detriment.

I've had abuse from her family for having the temerity to have a child of my own after being a (pretty good if I do say so myself) step parent to DSC for a lengthy period of time beforehand.

She spearheaded a smear campaign against me over Facebook which was as humiliating as it was childish.

Pissed up texts to DH ranging from abusive to sexually suggestive.

Trying to seduce him, to prove a point I assume.

Verbal abuse and disrespect from DSC which is clearly lead by her.

There is so much I'd be here all day.

I'm not suggesting that all first wives and girlfriends are this way, absolutely not, and she was perfectly pleasant to begin with but some women are like this and it makes it incredibly difficult to not develop some resentment (never toward the DSC themselves, just the situation)

I'm at the stage now where I'm seriously contemplating leaving because whilst things have settled down over the past couple of years I just can't see myself sacrificing any more years of happiness. I'm not yet 30 and feel like I have wasted the best years of my life, perhaps.

My life has become very small and I don't like the person all of this has turned me into when contrary to what some think about SM's, I really have tried my best.

Add in the typical nuances of having your life dictated by your husbands contact schedule and always having to consider DSC and ex, not being able to pursue certain things or make much needed life changes because it conflicts with the first family etc. It's all just too much.

Hats off to anybody who can deal with such a situation long term.

Although, I can't describe how much it moves me when my SDDs say something lovely about me or to me - it's a real gooey feeling. Very different from the love shown by my DD but just as deep

I can relate to this.

DSS came up to me before they left the other day and gave me the biggest hug. He said he didn't want to go home because he'd miss me.

That, coming from a pre-teen with autism who is very introverted and affection avoidant in general, meant the world to me.

I've never noticed people saying you knew what you were getting into other than when the step mum is trying to exclude the dc in some way or thinking that her own dc should take priority in some way.

For example step mum complaining about the dh having to pay maintenance. Or step mum complaining that his contact weekends clash with her preferred lifestyle. People would say you knew he had children.

I do actually think you need to be a special type of person to be a good step parent. With heaps of patience, tolerance, the ability to stay neutral. Not everyone is cut out for it.

I agree. I wish mumsnet would ban the phrase “you knew what you were getting into.”

Unless it’s okay to say it to mums who are struggling with their own kids too?

Got PND? Well, you knew what you were getting into when you got pregnant.

Husband cheating? Well, you knew that was a possibility when you agreed to get married.

Etc…

Fuck off with your “you knew what you were getting into”s. It’s so victim-blamey.

Goldbar

You've hit the nail on the head. This sums up pretty much every blended family I know

@Getawaywithit

So much depends on whether the first wife is a decent person or not

Because no man ever behaved badly? And all step mums are saints?

Part of the issue is the expectation that one party does exactly what is asked of them or they are labelled difficult or obstructive or alienating.

Really unfair to selectively quote only the first part of my post.

I mentioned poor behaviour by the man as well. Let me guess- Are you a first wife?

@DrSbaitso

So much depends on whether the first wife is a decent person or not.

Yeah, it's all her fault.

It'll be yours next.

Again selective quoting. Another first wife?

I'm not a first wife but I read again on again on mumsnet that the ex is bad, mad, a wrongun, I generally don't believe it

And all step mums are saints?

I'm not, I'm much less tolerant these days than I'd like to be and much more cynical.

I was pretty saintly for a long time though, because I was desperate for it to work and for the DSC to be happy - at whatever cost to myself.

You can't pour from an empty cup though and years of crap tends to have that effect on people.

@Macncheeseballs

I'm not a first wife but I read again on again on mumsnet that the ex is bad, mad, a wrongun, I generally don't believe it

What would be the point in saying it if it weren't true, though?

I accept sometimes you'll get a poster who drip feeds or changes details to influence the response when a thread isn't going their way, it's entirely possible for that to happen on a step parents post, but step parents would seldom become stressed and resentful if everything really was rosy - would they?

I don't think the majority of step parents want to take issue where there is none. Most of us, I dare say, have good intentions and the last thing we want is conflict and drama.

There were plenty of things I didn’t know would happen because I’m not psychic. Thankfully those days are behind me now.

@DrSbaitso

So much depends on whether the first wife is a decent person or not.

Yeah, it's all her fault.

It'll be yours next.

Ffs, sometimes it genuinely is and I'm sick and tired of that being dismissed because it's an uncomfortable truth.

You can't pour from an empty cup though and years of crap tends to have that effect on people

Works both ways.

Let me guess- Are you a first wife?

Yes, when people disagree with you, they must be whatever it is you are arguing against. You’re just stereotyping and utterly unable to accept that there are two sides to any situation. I am a first wife, a second partner, as are many people posting in step parenting.

Of course there are two sides to a situation but sometimes the one that is true is the one where the ex wife is a trouble causing horrible twat.

Blimey @Wobb I'm a birth mother and I didn't know what I was getting into! I'm with you on this.