No, most step mothers do not "know what they're getting into"

[Wobb]

How could they if it's their first experience of being a step parent or having a blended family?

"You went into this with your eyes wide open"

Yes indeed, full of good intentions and hopes for the future in most cases.

Nobody can predict how dynamics will play out later on down the line.

I don't think any step parent enters into the role, choosing to settle down with somebody who has a first family, in full knowledge that they will be miserable or not cut out for it. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Please stop saying this to step parents who are finding it difficult.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro it's absolutely not patronising to say you only know one side, because you do! Like most of us in life who come up against tough situations that involve us. It's a valid point and you seem to be taking it all really personally.

I don't even know what you're going on about in your last post to me, about harming children again I was talking in general terms not about your particular situation.

I'm just saying it's easy to believe "his ex is crazy" when it's convenient and doesn't involve looking too much into the behaviour of your beloved 🤷‍♀️ again a general statement, not one attacking you

This thread seems to suggest that kids with separated parents are basically growing up on the Jeremy Kyle show. It's not remotely my experience. I have a step dad who nurtured us from childhood and who is a cherished grandad to the whole family. My step mum is hilarious and totally eccentric. She's irreplaceable.

My brother and my sister both have kids with their exes, and while inevitably there were difficulties early on, all parties are now settled into new, very ordinary, screaming match free domestic routines.

No psychos, no terrible first wives, no ghastly second wives, just normal humans muddling through with the very best intentions.

I have seen where an ex is absolutely flabbergasted that the new partner has witnessed how shit a parent and partner the man is, yet had more kids with him then blamed ex for the added burden when the SKs stay, griped at CSA and additional child costs (uniform etc) because she felt her kids were missing out.

The ex actually pitied the new partner, ex had escaped a shit life with a shit man, and built a lovely life which she knew the new partner resented as she struggled with the shit man and the childcare he dumped on her.

Having said that I’ve also seen some shocking ex behaviour.

There’s a lot of sexism in some problematic blended families I think. Women at each other’s throats with a useless man in the middle.

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@Getyourarseofffthequattro it's absolutely not patronising to say you only know one side, because you do! Like most of us in life who come up against tough situations that involve us. It's a valid point and you seem to be taking it all really personally.

I don't even know what you're going on about in your last post to me, about harming children again I was talking in general terms not about your particular situation.

I'm just saying it's easy to believe "his ex is crazy" when it's convenient and doesn't involve looking too much into the behaviour of your beloved 🤷‍♀️ again a general statement, not one attacking you[/quote]
Sorry, I do? As in me personally? Because no, I don't. I have heard it all from her as well. About how good their relationship was and how she was certain he would go back and marry her. I have unfortunately had more details than one could ever reasonably want.

It's easy to take it personally when someone point blank says you have no idea about your own life, no?

Of course that's easy to believe, but that's not what happens in so many situations and yet the sheer idea that we might actually KNOW what the ex is like is painted as pretty much ludicrous.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Ah OP I didn't realise you had kids of your own now! Or are you currently pregnant?

I'm a mum myself now aswell as step mother

Yeah you'd think if 1st wife thought the bloke was shit she'd have sympathy for the 2nd wife not try to make trouble everytime she does something "too mothery"

Yep. I think my ex’s ex wife did have sympathy for any woman who chose to be with her ex husband, but sympathy didn’t stop her from toning down the unreasonable expectations she had of me.

@MorrisZapp YY this thread has digressed somewhat 🤣🤣 it's why I think it's best every party takes a hands-off approach when their ex finds a new partner, and that if they introduce them to the kids you just go with it. ExH had introduced 3 women to the kids since our split 2.5 years ago and I can't say I have many thoughts about that other than "I feel sorry for her" 🙊The less drama the better that way though.

And I don't think MN is the best place for step parent advice. There seems to be a lot of non-step parents who give advice based on how they think they'd handle it all. And it's usually shit advice.

There was a woman the other week who was furious that her exH was going to introduce the kids to his new girlfriend, when the OP hadn't yet met her.

There were some very sensible replies from
first wives and step mums about "that sucks but it's none of your business" but sadly lots of "WOW there's no WAY they'd be meeting my kids before they met me" - like children are some sort of weird possession and you have to have approval for every interaction in their life. It was awful to read.

Sorry that last sentence of mine makes so sense.

Sympathy didn’t stop her from having unreasonable expectations of me and toning up the nastiness.

Even if you were young, naiive and childless entering into a relationship with a man with children there must have been an eye-opening point where you saw all the shit you had to deal with and questioned whether it was worth it? What made you stay? (Genuine question, I couldn't do it)

@funinthesun19. What were those expectations? Was she hoping that, since her ex wouldn't parent their kids properly, you would step in?

@pommepommefrites

Even if you were young, naiive and childless entering into a relationship with a man with children there must have been an eye-opening point where you saw all the shit you had to deal with and questioned whether it was worth it? What made you stay? (Genuine question, I couldn't do it)

Oh god yeah, and in hindsight I should have ran a mile. I was naive in thinking that it would all settle down. It has quite a bit now, but we are like nearly 10 years down the line.

@Thadhiya has hit the nail on the head.

My friend in her then early 20's & childless met her older exH a few months post separation from his exW.He had his 3 yr old EOW.He suggested them moving into together quite quickly and lo and behold guess who ended looking after said child EOW?

Friend now acknowledges he took advantage of her but was too naive to see it.He managed to put off them starting their own family until friend was in her mid thirties and his child was an older teen.

Friend has 2 kids in a year;her DH was furious that she wouldn't give up her job completely and become the little housewife/SAHM he wanted so was a lazy twat who made her life as difficult as possible in the vain hope she'd give up work.

It backfired and he was shown the door.He found himself alone EOW with 2 toddlers.

A few months post separation;guess what?;yes he had a new girlfriend and a few months later into her house he moves;can you guess who does the grunt work EOW?;it's not him.....

@WomanStanleyWoman

I don't think any step parent enters into the role, choosing to settle down with somebody who has a first family, in full knowledge that they will be miserable or not cut out for it. What a ridiculous thing to say.

It’s also pretty ridiculous to say that stepparents don’t know what they’re getting into. Of course they don’t know exactly how it will turn out - but they all know it will be difficult. How could you not?

This. I knew I wasn’t cut out for it and had a policy of not dating men with children. It worked really well for a long time then sods’ law dictated that I fell in love with someone with three kids.

We’re 23 years down the line now and they’re all grown up but it’s been a hell of a bumpy ride at times. I was absolutely right not to want stepchildren and I’d strongly advise anyone to avoid it.

Why are you staying?

You deserve better.

Don't allow one stupid mistake define you.

You are so young, you have plenty of time to have a better life.

Funny how often theses guys seek out young, naive women.

Is it internalised misogyny that drives these expectations?

Man is useless at making packed lunches, oh hey here comes a woman, let's give her a mothering role, she is now responsible and she better do the job well.

It seems that MN is a Twilight Zone for step parents. You have to love them as much as you do your own...but NEVER discipline them....you have to spend plenty of money on them...but don't expect them to be grateful as you were the wicked witch who swooped in and stole their daddy...you have to take them everywhere with you and never exclude them, even if it means going on holiday once a century because of everybody's complicated contact patterns....your parents have to treat them as they would their own grandchildren and anything less you should go NC...they need their own room even if you only see them once a month and your own baby has to sleep in a drawer as a result....you have to do all the slog a mother would do...but they can treat you as shitty as they want and you just take it because you knew what you were getting into

IRL the step parents I know don't operate anything like that way. They go on holidays with second families only, step-grandparents see them in passing and maybe put a fiver in a card at Xmas if they're lucky, step kids sleep on the sofa bed and everybody lives to tell the tale

I met dh (now ex) when I was 20, he already had 3 children with his ex, they were 3,7 and 10 when we got together.I had no idea how hard it would be, had no idea that me and any other children we had would alway come 2nd to his 3 children, had no idea that I would have to plan everything we did around his ex wife and their kids. I was young and didn’t have a clue. The 11 years we were together were awful. I loved the kids to bits but hated the fact my kids couldn’t have anything nice, that we couldn’t go on holiday (as it would upset the ex and the kids), that I couldn’t spend my own hard earned cash to treat my kids without doing the same for the step kids. Tbh it was dh that made things hard, he would never stand up to ex and was constantly worried that if he said “no” she would stop contact.

So no, I’m sure no one really knows what they are getting into.

I wouldn’t do it again.

I’ve never understood why parents insist on meeting new partners before the DC.

Maybe I’d feel differently if I’m that position, but you don’t know someone from an hrs meeting?

What do you say? Is it like an interview? How is that even reassuring when sociopaths like Ted Bundy were reported to be hugely charismatic.

Not that I’m saying that SMs are sociopaths btw, I just use it to illustrate how nonsensical ‘I want to meet her so I’m happy she’s with my kids’ is.

What happens if you don’t like her?

I like to think that even if my marriage failed, I’d trust my (ex)DH fatherly judgement to keep our children safe, loved and cared for, even if he was a cunt to me.

@pommepommefrites

Even if you were young, naiive and childless entering into a relationship with a man with children there must have been an eye-opening point where you saw all the shit you had to deal with and questioned whether it was worth it? What made you stay? (Genuine question, I couldn't do it)

For me it was when I was pregnant myself.

Ex was mostly civil before that, a bit difficult sometimes but that was for DH to deal with.

I think she was threatened by the pregnancy and worried DSC would be pushed out (they never were) and suddenly I and the baby became some sort of competition.

..but i stayed because I loved DH, had developed a bond with DSC and wanted the children to grow up together, everybody getting along. I didn't want DSC having two broken homes or my DC having a broken home. I was sure that things would settle down eventually and it would all work out well in the end.

I didn't realise that years later, after having nothing but crap, it would take it's toll and I'd feel like this. It's shit.

Just want to add my tuppence worth into this conversation.

I'm not a step parent but my eldest has a step mum. She is an amazing mum, a wonderful person and the best other mummy to my son. My eldest also has a step dad (my husband). He is an amazing step father too, and I always say that my son has four parents.

I'm not here to brag but I just want to say that not all blended families are doomed with either miserable step parents, miserable step children or miserable exes.

@Wobb

Upper primary and going into secondary.

Of course people know that things might be hard sometimes, nobody when TTC themselves truly believe the sleep deprivation and lifestyle overhaul is going to be easy do they?

People pursue things out of love, with good intentions and hopes for the future. Because they think it'll be worth it.

We wouldn't tell a hormonal postpartum mother "well you knew what you were getting yourself into when you decided to have a baby" would we?

I mean some people do like my ex but they are bonafide cunts.

@billy1966

Why are you staying?

You deserve better.

Don't allow one stupid mistake define you.

You are so young, you have plenty of time to have a better life.

Funny how often theses guys seek out young, naive women.

Thank you

Sadly at this moment in time I have already have one foot out of the door. I don't think I will last another year. I'm depressed and just lately all I've done is fantasize about how much simpler my life could be.

@Boofay

Just want to add my tuppence worth into this conversation.

I'm not a step parent but my eldest has a step mum. She is an amazing mum, a wonderful person and the best other mummy to my son. My eldest also has a step dad (my husband). He is an amazing step father too, and I always say that my son has four parents.

I'm not here to brag but I just want to say that not all blended families are doomed with either miserable step parents, miserable step children or miserable exes.

That's lovely to hear. I think we just don't hear about successful blended families on here because generally we post with a problem.

My own step father is amazing and I love him to bits. As a step parent I aspire to be like him, in all honesty. I was a teenager when he came on to the scene. I appreciate now how hard it must have been for him.

@Dragon50

I’ve never understood why parents insist on meeting new partners before the DC.

Maybe I’d feel differently if I’m that position, but you don’t know someone from an hrs meeting?

What do you say? Is it like an interview? How is that even reassuring when sociopaths like Ted Bundy were reported to be hugely charismatic.

Not that I’m saying that SMs are sociopaths btw, I just use it to illustrate how nonsensical ‘I want to meet her so I’m happy she’s with my kids’ is.

What happens if you don’t like her?

I like to think that even if my marriage failed, I’d trust my (ex)DH fatherly judgement to keep our children safe, loved and cared for, even if he was a cunt to me.

Yes my thoughts exactly! What would even be the point of meeting my exH'a new girlfriend?! She doesn't need my approval. And as much as he was a diabolical husband, and he's very much a Disney dad, he is a very good judge of character and I do actually trust him to bring good people into his children's lives.

I also have funny visions of two women in a pub on a MN awkward interview-like or date-like "So where did you go to school" type situation

I’m sorry OP. As @billy1966 says you do deserve better.

Also (and I mean this kindly) are your DC even getting the best of you because of a toxic home life and the effect it has on kids? I say the same for the SKs but that’s their parents look out really.

Relationships are a package, if the package is detrimental then maybe it’s time to move on.

How old is your child OP?
What's your week to week life like? Do you do big family holiday? How's your child's relationship with their siblings?