Page 4 | No, most step mothers do not "know what they're getting into"

funinthesun19 · 12/08/2021 22:17

My exH probably tells his girlfriends that I'm a difficult ex.

Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. But most women in these situations can see a person for who they truly are and make their own minds up about someone. You sound nice and I that will show.

If my ex’s ex wife was a reasonable person and never caused any trouble, and my ex kept saying what a bitch she is/was, then I would have told him to STOP.
But I saw her for what she was for myself without him even saying anything. She directed a lot of her anger at me, and I was able to draw my own conclusions about her for myself.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/08/2021 22:17

It’s quite nice and easy for men to paint their ex’s children or no children as the crazy one which is instant 🚩
Another one who thinks we have empty voids where our brains should be.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 12/08/2021 22:18

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Be careful in believing this

Ah yes, because us step mum's don't have working eyes nor brains to see and understand unreasonable behaviour ourselves, we just take it as gospel from our husbands like the idiots we apparently are.

Well how come so many believe their darling Nigel vs a woman who's side of the story they've never heard then 🧐

Men who say their exes are difficult/crazy/keeping the kids away from them - BIG red flag and you're a fool to blindly listen

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/08/2021 22:21

Well how come so many believe their darling Nigel vs a woman who's side of the story they've never heard then 🧐

I didn't have to believe a story, I saw her behaviour with my own eyes. I heard her angry sweaty rants down the phone. I saw her text messages. Her child tearily relayed conversation after vile conversation to me.

Men who say their exes are difficult/crazy/keeping the kids away from them - BIG red flag and you're a fool to blindly listen

Again, he never told me anything because I was present for it all. Prior to informing her about our relationship, their co-parenting was fine and again I know that because I was there.

What don't you understand about that? I don't need my dps opinion on what kind of a woman his ex is because she has happily shown me herself.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/08/2021 22:21

*sweary

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2021 22:21

I think it depends on the situation whether something was foreseeable. For example being annoyed that there's step children to consider is a case of 'you knew he had kids', equally if someone has watched their partner being a pushover Disney dad with no boundaries then they shouldn't be surprised when he does exactly the same with their joint DC.
But there's no way any step parent could anticipate everything. In many situations communication of expectations is key and judging by threads on here it doesn't happen enough.

OaxacaChihuahua's post is excellent

Goldbar · 12/08/2021 22:21

Another one who thinks we have empty voids where our brains should be.

I can see your point here about making out that step-mums are bimbos without minds of their own and it's a fair one. But it's important not to forget that certain men often target younger women like the OP with less life experience for their second wives/partners. Without being in any way stupid, they may be more willing to take what he says at face value and it may take a while to realise that something is wrong.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 12/08/2021 22:22

@Getyourarseofffthequattro you do understand that I wasn't specifically only talking about you, right?

You really think there was never a woman who fell for the whole "she's crazy/difficult" spiel from their partner?

Horst · 12/08/2021 22:22

The odd women may be a crazy Ex but all these steps mums Dp’s have crazy ex’s really.

Pull the other.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/08/2021 22:23

@Goldbar

Another one who thinks we have empty voids where our brains should be.

I can see your point here about making out that step-mums are bimbos without minds of their own and it's a fair one. But it's important not to forget that certain men often target younger women like the OP with less life experience for their second wives/partners. Without being in any way stupid, they may be more willing to take what he says at face value and it may take a while to realise that something is wrong.

I'm sure some women do that but I'm sick of being told not to believe what I'm told bla bla bla as if I have not been present in my own life and actually witnessed the shit show that unfolded in front of me.

funinthesun19 · 12/08/2021 22:23

People often seem to get into a debate of first wife vs stepmum and completely forget the common denominator, which is the man in the middle.

Exactly my point upthread! Which is why I think the first wife needs to back off the second wife to be honest. Cut her some slack!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/08/2021 22:23

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@Getyourarseofffthequattro you do understand that I wasn't specifically only talking about you, right?

You really think there was never a woman who fell for the whole "she's crazy/difficult" spiel from their partner?[/quote]
I'm sure a small amount do, it's the assumption that the majority of us do that is the issue.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 12/08/2021 22:23

@Goldbar

Another one who thinks we have empty voids where our brains should be.

I can see your point here about making out that step-mums are bimbos without minds of their own and it's a fair one. But it's important not to forget that certain men often target younger women like the OP with less life experience for their second wives/partners. Without being in any way stupid, they may be more willing to take what he says at face value and it may take a while to realise that something is wrong.

I agree.

Also second wives weren't privy to the first marriage and the hell their Nigel may have put his wife through. They will never know the context but it's too easy to paint the ex as the crazy bitch rather than think too deeply about it.

StarDrawers · 12/08/2021 22:25

@funinthesun19

People often seem to get into a debate of first wife vs stepmum and completely forget the common denominator, which is the man in the middle.

Exactly my point upthread! Which is why I think the first wife needs to back off the second wife to be honest. Cut her some slack!

Yeah you'd think if 1st wife thought the bloke was shit she'd have sympathy for the 2nd wife not try to make trouble everytime she does something "too mothery"

Horst · 12/08/2021 22:25

Wonder how many crazy ex’s that are actually crazy ex’s are crazy because of how their dps/dhs treated them and gaslit them maybe…

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/08/2021 22:26

Also second wives weren't privy to the first marriage and the hell their Nigel may have put his wife through. They will never know the context but it's too easy to paint the ex as the crazy bitch rather than think too deeply about it.

So your ex husband being a dick in your marriage is a good enough reason to treat his new girlfriend like shit on your shoe or mentally scar your own children is it?

Sorry but no. There's no excuse for behaving like a tosser. Two wrongs dont make a right and if you involve your kids (and of course how could you not when it's their parent) then you're an arsehole.

Dragon50 · 12/08/2021 22:26

Yep. Even where there are no DC a man who goes on about a crazy ex is concerning.

If they were crazy why did you stay for x period of time?

In SP situations why are you not concerned about your DC staying with the crazy ex? If she’s a bitch then why is the new partner even liaising with her, surely nrp should step in to deal with it?

In my extended family there is a mix of un/successful blended families. The unsuccessful ones usually have a useless man at the centre with the women battling each other instead of his failings.

No one comes out smelling of roses and while this goes on all of the DC suffer.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/08/2021 22:26

@Horst

Wonder how many crazy ex’s that are actually crazy ex’s are crazy because of how their dps/dhs treated them and gaslit them maybe…

Oh look another excusing awful behaviour.

MintyGreenDream · 12/08/2021 22:27

@Wobb I agree.I met exh when I was 23 and sd was 7.I wasn't cut out to be a stepmother although that's not the reason we split.

pollylocketpickedapocket · 12/08/2021 22:28

@Wobb

How could they if it's their first experience of being a step parent or having a blended family?

"You went into this with your eyes wide open"

Yes indeed, full of good intentions and hopes for the future in most cases.

Nobody can predict how dynamics will play out later on down the line.

I don't think any step parent enters into the role, choosing to settle down with somebody who has a first family, in full knowledge that they will be miserable or not cut out for it. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Please stop saying this to step parents who are finding it difficult.

Bollocks. There’s no way on this planet I’m playing mum or having my life affected by children I didn’t give birth to. So I don’t even look at men with kids. Harsh but true. Helps if you’re not desperate for a fella.

Horst · 12/08/2021 22:28

Yes because people who have been emotionally used and abused will always act rationally won’t they.

Again not all. But your taking this all rather personally anit ya.

Horst · 12/08/2021 22:30

I’ve also no interest in being a step parent not for all the gold in the world not worth it.

But don’t be silly enough to blame it all on the ex’s. Your new DH’s anit perfect little saints. They have their downsides and wrong doings too.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/08/2021 22:30

@Horst

Yes because people who have been emotionally used and abused will always act rationally won’t they.

Again not all. But your taking this all rather personally anit ya.

I'm not taking it personally because I know that dp wasn't the issue in their relationship. In fact I know the ins and outs of their split because his ex told me.

What I don't like is excusing shitty behaviour that damages your own children. However you paint it, it's disgusting. I would advise therapy if that's actually the case. Not revenge.

whycantwegoonasthree · 12/08/2021 22:30

getoffhtequattro

*hmm and a lot of women say the above because it's uncomfortable to admit that quite often it's the ex wife that causes the problems.

I appreciate a lot of people have husband problems but i wish people would accept that for some of us it is not just "a bit of twattishness". For some of us, it is years of mental abuse.*

Well, a lot of ex-wives have had years of mental (and/or physical) abuse to deal with - it's often why they're ex's. And they've been through the trauma of a divorce, but because they have kids, can't make the complete break from the ex that they might want or need.

Don't underestimate what it takes to co-parent with someone you loathe and/or fear.

I'm not saying it excuses bad behaviour - but I'm seeing lots of pleas for sympathy for the step mums, and very little compassion or attempts at understanding directed in the other direction.

And she's had no say in your arrival into her kids life, neither does she have any reason to trust you, her ex, orhis judgement, or in many cases his or your parenting ability.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 12/08/2021 22:30

@Getyourarseofffthequattro you or I don't know what the actual figure is, but I have heard so many stories of "she's difficult" when I've known the (opposite) truth, to believe that the exH's are more likely to be talking crap to paint them in a better lift than there are all these craaaaazy fist wives our there.

I've told this story before here, but my friend's exH (who was abusive throughout their marriage) is not allowed to see their kids, not even in a contact centre, and she has a non-molestation order out against him. This was after he harassed and stalked her and then drink-drove to collect the kids from school, and when a 60yo female TA refused to let them leave as he was clearly drunk, he assaulted the TA. That's just one story of many. My friend has gone through hell and spent her life savings fighting to keep her children away.

Now do you think when he's down the pub, he tells people "a judge ordered that I don't see the boys because I'm a violent abusive drunk" or do you think he says "The bitch won't let me see them, poor me".

I wonder what he could possible be saying to people 🧐