Page 10 | No, most step mothers do not "know what they're getting into"

StarDrawers · 13/08/2021 13:31

Stepchild here, my bitch of a stepmother moved in with my DF with her precious daughter when I was 10 of course her daughter was precious to her.

Original poster

Wobb · 13/08/2021 13:35

@2old2beamum

Stepchild here, my bitch of a stepmother moved in with my DF with her precious daughter when I was 10. She was awful and treated me like a skivvy, told lies about me. I left home at 18 and started my life. When my DD rang me to say she was thinking of marrying her boyfriend who had a 2 year old son and she was worried about her relationship with the LO. I was very "bossy" and and told her they came as a package which must not be tampered with. She read a lot about step parenting They did marry and lived very happily as a family of 3 so not all stepmother's are bad.

I'm truly sorry your step mother was so horrid to you.

It's great that things worked out well for your DD.

OP posts:

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 13/08/2021 13:56

@Getawaywithit

You just can't accept that some women are horrible bastards can you?

That works both ways. Step mums rarely acknowledge that there are plenty amongstvthem who treat children terribly and who are part of the problem when it comes to dealing with issues with the ex.

I don't think that's true at all. I'm sure some step mum's are very shit indeed.

FuckingFabulous · 13/08/2021 14:02

@2old2beamum

Stepchild here, my bitch of a stepmother moved in with my DF with her precious daughter when I was 10. She was awful and treated me like a skivvy, told lies about me. I left home at 18 and started my life. When my DD rang me to say she was thinking of marrying her boyfriend who had a 2 year old son and she was worried about her relationship with the LO. I was very "bossy" and and told her they came as a package which must not be tampered with. She read a lot about step parenting They did marry and lived very happily as a family of 3 so not all stepmother's are bad.

I was a stepchild too, with a proper fairytale wicked witch of a stepmother. I can't even go in to how horrific she was, and how my dad just turned a blind eye to her abuse. In a very tangled way, I think that dynamic shares some of the blame for how easy it was for my horrible ex to groom me and how desperate I was to make this stepparenting thing work, because it broke my heart to remember how desperate I was to be loved and understood and included. As horrible as his kids were, I didn't want them to feel that way, and I made excuse after excuse for their behaviour to myself- 'it's because their mother can't be bothered with them. It's because their parent's divorce hurt them. It's because they think I'm taking their dad away.' It was a painful realisation that they did it because they enjoyed having someone to bully. That's just who they were. When I eventually met their mum, it was the first time I felt that being a horrible person might just be genetic.

The last time I saw his son, he was sixteen and had hidden my bank card, dropped my car keys down the drain and then scratched my car with a rock- all with zero regrets.

The last time I saw his oldest girl, she spat on my shoes and told me she wished she'd slit my throat in my sleep, because my kids would be better off alone than with a mother like me. This was after I'd just driven her 100 miles to her mother's house at her request. I asked her why she was so horrible and she laughed and said "because it's fun!"

Yet when I tell people about this, because I was the stepmother, I don't get believed, since the default is that stepmoms are evil- and that's because of the regularity that ones like mine crop up!

I rarely think of my stepchildren anymore. I certainly don't acknowledge them as biological half siblings of my children. I don't acknowledge my ex as their biological father either. I keep my children and myself safe from things that would hurt us.

I hope they all reap exactly what they've sown.

Anordinarymum · 13/08/2021 14:05

@Wobb

How could they if it's their first experience of being a step parent or having a blended family?

"You went into this with your eyes wide open"

Yes indeed, full of good intentions and hopes for the future in most cases.

Nobody can predict how dynamics will play out later on down the line.

I don't think any step parent enters into the role, choosing to settle down with somebody who has a first family, in full knowledge that they will be miserable or not cut out for it. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Please stop saying this to step parents who are finding it difficult.

As someone who has been in a similar position to you - a long time ago, I wish there had been someone to talk to at the time to explain the pitfalls of getting with a man with children and the lack of help from anywhere when a young woman is clearly out of her depth.

StarDrawers · 13/08/2021 14:10

The last time I saw his oldest girl, she spat on my shoes and told me she wished she'd slit my throat in my sleep, because my kids would be better off alone than with a mother like me. This was after I'd just driven her 100 miles to her mother's house at her request. I asked her why she was so horrible and she laughed and said "because it's fun!" woah! They wouldn't get away with speaking to anyone else like that. Why are step mothers fair game?! She sounds dangerous.

vivainsomnia · 13/08/2021 15:07

In our case, DH has always stepped up to the plate for DSC and is a good father
Do you know if the ex agrees to this? Because I think the main reason why conflict occurs is when the ex doesn't think the dad is stepping up to the plate and being a good dad.

In some cases, her expectations are ridiculous. In others, the dad is indeed not stepping up to the plate, but the new partner doesn't know the history, or doesn't know what is expected when she doesn't have children yet, or indeed, has very different expectations to the ex when it comes to what dads should do.

My ex became a much better dad to their child in common then he ever was to our two. Different reasons. He worked long hours when we go together so was more tired. He gave up his job when he was with her, and so had a lot more time to dedicate to their child, and she was ok nagging him whereas I expected him to do things without being told. He relied a lot more on me with our two than he did with his new partner, so she saw him being a good dad. I'm sure he blamed me that he never went to a school event, parents evenings etc... but what she wouldn't have known is that I used to inform him of every event, meeting, etc... but he never showed to any, so after a couple of years, I told him that if he was interested, he could ask me, the school directly. He never did.

vivainsomnia · 13/08/2021 15:16

The last time I saw his oldest girl, she spat on my shoes and told me she wished she'd slit my throat in my sleep, because my kids would be better off alone than with a mother like me. This was after I'd just driven her 100 miles to her mother's house at her request. I asked her why she was so horrible and she laughed and said "because it's fun!
How oh how did your OH allowed his kids to treat you so badly? It sounds like if anything you tried and too hard, and that can come with issues in itself, but surely if all you were doing was trying to be nice to them, he should never ever allowed such treatment. He failed them and you badly.

sunshineandhappy · 13/08/2021 15:24

You have to treat them like your own, but not discipline them. You're expected to put up with rudeness and disrespect because their mother has no respect for her ex. You're not allowed to do anything differently to how it's done at home, even if it's when you're offering days out, different food ( ie not always pizza and maybe some vegetables) and maybe imposing table manners or a bed time. Things which don't seem to happen at home, but reflect a chance to try something different. You're expected to love them like your own and forgive everything for everything. And never say I'm not happy or criticise.
Maybe I was naive but after 10 years of encouragement to try politeness, manners and an openness to try something different to home, I could be forgiven for giving up. I didn't know what I was getting into, but honestly if I'd known after 10 years the hostility, sulking and constant sniping, I'm not sure I would have signed up for this.

Youseethethingis · 13/08/2021 15:56

Purely from what I've seen on here, "treat them as your own" often applies only to money/material things and often actually means "treat them better than your child because your childs parents are together so they don't need or deserve anything else".
So don't buy your child new shoes when they need them unless you buy for DSC too (who don't need them)
Your child can share a bedroom with you full time until school age but the DSC should not have to share a room EOW, that would be pushing them out.
Go NC with your parents when you discover they have included your DC in their will but not your DSC. When their child married this child's father, those children became their DGC too (even though they barely know them).
Blah blah blah.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 13/08/2021 18:01

I honestly think there are far more stepmothers tying themselves in knots to please their SC, sacrificing parts of their life and putting up with a useless OH for the sake of everyone getting along, than there are 'wicked stepmothers'.

I also think many people WANT stepmothers to be wicked and look for every opportunity to paint them in that light.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 13/08/2021 18:05

@Youseethethingis yes absolutely!

My brother keeps finding women who have kids, he has a son of his own and he averages about 3 serious relationships a year - long story but basically he is shit at being alone and having his son alone. Anyway my poor mum is sick to the back teeth of buying Christmas and birthday presents for his brand new step kids, sometimes there's 4 of them in varying ages and the one time she decides just to buy for her own grandson Merry hell broke loose and DB went NC with her for a bit.

I don't give a fuck so only my nephew gets presents from me.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 13/08/2021 18:20

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I honestly think there are far more stepmothers tying themselves in knots to please their SC, sacrificing parts of their life and putting up with a useless OH for the sake of everyone getting along, than there are 'wicked stepmothers'.

I also think many people WANT stepmothers to be wicked and look for every opportunity to paint them in that light.

I agree.

2old2beamum · 13/08/2021 18:28

I used to kiss my DSM's and beg her to love me. She hit me on a regular basis but my dad was not allowed to tell her precious daughter off however badly behaved she was. Also her daughter had so many new clothes and I had to wear DSM's mother's clothes who was twice my size. God this thread is cathartic.

2old2beamum · 13/08/2021 18:30

Sorry brain gone kiss DSM's feet.

StarDrawers · 13/08/2021 18:32

@2old2beamum

I used to kiss my DSM's and beg her to love me. She hit me on a regular basis but my dad was not allowed to tell her precious daughter off however badly behaved she was. Also her daughter had so many new clothes and I had to wear DSM's mother's clothes who was twice my size. God this thread is cathartic.

Your dad failed you. I am sorry.

StarDrawers · 13/08/2021 18:41

Go NC with your parents when you discover they have included your DC in their will but not your DSC I'd be annoyed for my DC if they included my DSC equally.

FuckingFabulous · 13/08/2021 18:47

@StarDrawers

The last time I saw his oldest girl, she spat on my shoes and told me she wished she'd slit my throat in my sleep, because my kids would be better off alone than with a mother like me. This was after I'd just driven her 100 miles to her mother's house at her request. I asked her why she was so horrible and she laughed and said "because it's fun!" woah! They wouldn't get away with speaking to anyone else like that. Why are step mothers fair game?! She sounds dangerous.

She was horrendous. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she'd seriously hurt someone and went to prison. She crushed my child's hand on purpose when they were 20 months old, slapped them in the face and when she asked to hold them at 8 months old, promptly dropped them face down onto the floor so their little lower teeth were forced into their upper gum. I went absolutely mental and was told by exP that I was a psychopath and that if I didn't back the fuck down, he'd call social services and have my baby taken away. Said "I managed it with my ex wife so you will be no problem!"

Still expected me to make dinner and clean her school uniform for her and drive her to see her mates while I was giving my baby ice lollies to try and stop the swelling in their mouth.

I get that this is potentially outing. If you're reading this and you recognise yourself, fuck you. Karma is a bitch and I hope that bitch has you in her crosshairs.

StarDrawers · 13/08/2021 18:49

@FuckingFabulous my word you poor thing

Newmumatlast · 13/08/2021 18:58

@OaxacaChihuahua

I agree it’s an unfair thing to say. But as with most things, somewhere in the nuances is an element of truth. Because it’s a simple fact that children change relationships; once you have them, their needs are your first priority always. For couples who share children, this is hopefully tolerable because this new order of priorities affects you both in the same way. You’re both attached to and prioritising the same kids, and you both understand what that means and how it feels.

For step parents, the step kids are unlikely to be a higher priority than their partner. But for their partner, the needs of their children will always be a higher priority than the step parent (or at least - they should be). It puts the couple on an uneven footing from the first, and I believe that can be very hard for the step parent to tolerate.

A prospective step parent can’t anticipate how it will actually feel to always be below the needs of the children in order of priority. But I think it’s naive for them not to consider the fact that that will happen, and to consider how they will work around it. Because you can’t fix that problem by saying the parent has to put their partner ahead of the needs of their kids sometimes; that option isn’t on the table, and expecting it will cause resentment. It’s only going to work if the step parent embraces the order of priority and learns to live with it.

But that’s a lot to expect of a person, and that’s why resentment builds so easily.

As a step parent, who took on the role at 19, I agree with this.

I had an extremely difficult step parenting journey in the early days with a very difficult ex partner and a partner who couldnt speak to her (nor her him) because of the volatility. I organised and facilitated contact, sorted out child support direct (CSA were messing it up) and essentially got us to a really healthy point. All while studying for my degree in a new city and working. Really not easy.

I brought a whole lot of drama into my life that wasnt there before. I didnt fully know what I was getting into.

However, I did know logically that I was dating someone whose child would come first. And if they didnt, they weren't for me. I knew if I was to pursue the relationship I needed to be committed not just to my partner but to my step child too. That would mean dealing with difficult situations and not being put first, for the sake of my step child. It was a massive impact on me and I went through a lot of years which caused me pain dealing with the ex but not showing it to my step child so that they felt secure and loved by both parents.

It was all worth it and now the relationship is wonderful. OP it is hard. You don't know everything that's coming for you but you know ahead of time you wont be priority. If the situation isnt for you, I think you have to walk away early on to be honest else put as much commitment to it as you would with your partner being your own child's dad (pre kids I mean. If you have kids of course you're in that situation anyway). If it isnt in the child's interests anymore, walk as you would no doubt with your own kids

Newmumatlast · 13/08/2021 19:04

@StarDrawers

Go NC with your parents when you discover they have included your DC in their will but not your DSC I'd be annoyed for my DC if they included my DSC equally.

Agree with this. My SDC has her own mother and maternal grandparents to inherit from. My DC only has me and mine so my will sets out that my DC will inherit with my husband. My SDC's mother and her parents will not be including my DC in their will so wouldnt (or shouldn't fairly) expect me to. That isnt to say my SDC wont be provided for. We have ensured my husband has his will separate so all his children, including my SDC, inherit equally from him. As he inherits some from me anyway if I die first, my SDC will by proxy inherit from me too but proportionately. I have also discussed this with my SDC so she know it doesnt mean I dont love her but why I have structured my will that way. She understands she will inherit from both her parents and my DC will from both of theirs hence it being fair.

FuckingFabulous · 13/08/2021 19:04

[quote StarDrawers]@FuckingFabulous my word you poor thing [/quote]
She was like the junior version of her Dad. As much as his son pissed me off and broke my heart, that boy had so much potential and I always had the impression he was trying to emulate his dad rather than it being nastiness that just came naturally. Nothing he ever did was good enough for his father. Whereas everything his spiteful daughters did was worthy of praise. I haven't thought about all this for years. I used to wish I could rewind time on myself to when I was fifteen so I could absolutely kick SD's head in for hurting my children rather than having to swallow every bit of malice she threw at me in case my ex somehow took my babies away if I reacted in a way he didn't like. I still would. Honestly, if someone said I could rewind time to when I was their stepmum but be 15 for an hour, I would definitely find her and give her a good kicking. I mean, what kind of teenager thinks it's hilarious to take a toddler's favourite stuffed animal and throw it in the bin in front of them? Or to take a dummy away from a crying baby and taunt them with it? Or try and put bleach in their bottles??

Again, if you recognise yourself, I still hate you. I tried my best for you, for seven years. I hate you.

PizzaPiePizzaPie · 13/08/2021 19:13

There are horrible step mums. My friends daughter no longer sees her dad because SM was consistently vile to her every time she visited, her dad did nothing. However she now has a fabulous step dad. I wonder what her dad thinks now about what has happened. He doesn’t have any other children as new wife hates them.

There are good relationships though. My friend got together with a man with teenage children and went on to have 2 of her own. She now gets on so well with the ex her children now go and stay with her EOW and she takes them in the school holidays if friend is stuck.

putthebinsout · 13/08/2021 19:19

I was already a mum with a good relationship with ex and his new wife. So my expectation was that step parenting was pretty easy and that all parties would prioritise the kids but also be respectful towards the relationships and be flexible, considerate etc.

So no, I had no idea what I was getting in to.

Sausageroll67 · 13/08/2021 19:30

@pollylocketpickedapocket

Bollocks. There’s no way on this planet I’m playing mum or having my life affected by children I didn’t give birth to. So I don’t even look at men with kids. Harsh but true. Helps if you’re not desperate for a fella.

Exactly!