No, most step mothers do not "know what they're getting into"

[Wobb]

How could they if it's their first experience of being a step parent or having a blended family?

"You went into this with your eyes wide open"

Yes indeed, full of good intentions and hopes for the future in most cases.

Nobody can predict how dynamics will play out later on down the line.

I don't think any step parent enters into the role, choosing to settle down with somebody who has a first family, in full knowledge that they will be miserable or not cut out for it. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Please stop saying this to step parents who are finding it difficult.

@Buckleyourseatbelt

From reading about blended families on MN, being a step parent seems an absolutely thankless and impossible task.

Exactly and it must be utterly shit for the poor kids too.

@Horst

I’ve also no interest in being a step parent not for all the gold in the world not worth it.

But don’t be silly enough to blame it all on the ex’s. Your new DH’s anit perfect little saints. They have their downsides and wrong doings too.

Oh so you know all our situations do you?

Considering you admittedly know fuck all, stop preaching.

Men who say their exes are difficult/crazy/keeping the kids away from them - BIG red flag and you're a fool to blindly listen

DH was only ever respectful about his ex. There were no red flags in that sense.

If anything I think he did me a disservice by underplaying what a twat she could be, probably because he didn't want to scare me off.

In all fairness she was perfectly fine for a while, until I became pregnant, then the mask fell off.

My opinion of her now has never been coloured by anybody else including DH. I have reached my own conclusions about the type of person she is after being directly on the receiving end of it, and witnessing other things.

Ideally therapy would be brilliant however from what I read it’s not exactly easy to get unless you can afford privately. It also doesn’t change the shitty behaviour of the dad during that relationship if it’s left the mum needing it.

@Horst

I’ve also no interest in being a step parent not for all the gold in the world not worth it.

But don’t be silly enough to blame it all on the ex’s. Your new DH’s anit perfect little saints. They have their downsides and wrong doings too.

Of course they do. But the ex wife knows that or they wouldn't have got divorced so why is it a surprise that DH doesn't dance to her tune when they are divorced?

As a step child with half siblings I know plenty thanks.

Total quoting fail there - between the s was quoting getoffthequattro not my opinion…

There's no excuse for behaving like a tosser. Two wrongs dont make a right and if you involve your kids (and of course how could you not when it's their parent) then you're an arsehole.

But there are two perspectives on a lot of things. Ok, some stuff like facebook harassment or screaming down the phone at the step-mum are clearly unacceptable in all cases. But things like refusing to rearrange contact or complaining about your kids being made to sleep on the sofa or child maintenance being cut? The step-mum and mum may justifiably have different opinions on those things and it's easy for tempers to fray.

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@Getyourarseofffthequattro you or I don't know what the actual figure is, but I have heard so many stories of "she's difficult" when I've known the (opposite) truth, to believe that the exH's are more likely to be talking crap to paint them in a better lift than there are all these craaaaazy fist wives our there.

I've told this story before here, but my friend's exH (who was abusive throughout their marriage) is not allowed to see their kids, not even in a contact centre, and she has a non-molestation order out against him. This was after he harassed and stalked her and then drink-drove to collect the kids from school, and when a 60yo female TA refused to let them leave as he was clearly drunk, he assaulted the TA. That's just one story of many. My friend has gone through hell and spent her life savings fighting to keep her children away.

Now do you think when he's down the pub, he tells people "a judge ordered that I don't see the boys because I'm a violent abusive drunk" or do you think he says "The bitch won't let me see them, poor me".

I wonder what he could possible be saying to people 🧐[/quote]
Yes I'm sure he does do that, again, that doesn't mean all of us are spun a line. Many of us witness it with our own eyes and find it extremely patronising to be advised we "only know one side of the story"

So your ex husband being a dick in your marriage is a good enough reason to treat his new girlfriend like shit on your shoe or mentally scar your own children is it?

WTF are you even going on about?! When did I say that?

My (very obvious) point there was that there's a whole history you weren't privy to so maybe an angry text or scream down the phone is actually entirely justified because he's breaking promises or doing what he always does? Or maybe she's sick of putting up with the same bullshit even years after their marriage ended? As an example

@Horst

Wonder how many crazy ex’s that are actually crazy ex’s are crazy because of how their dps/dhs treated them and gaslit them maybe…

Exactly.

Beware of the man who tells you his ex is crazy.

@Goldbar

There's no excuse for behaving like a tosser. Two wrongs dont make a right and if you involve your kids (and of course how could you not when it's their parent) then you're an arsehole.

But there are two perspectives on a lot of things. Ok, some stuff like facebook harassment or screaming down the phone at the step-mum are clearly unacceptable in all cases. But things like refusing to rearrange contact or complaining about your kids being made to sleep on the sofa or child maintenance being cut? The step-mum and mum may justifiably have different opinions on those things and it's easy for tempers to fray.

Of course, but I don't think any of that is actually what any of us think makes a "crazy ex" do you?

@Horst

As a step child with half siblings I know plenty thanks.

About your circumstances yes. Not about everyone else's. Thanks.

Ditto

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

So your ex husband being a dick in your marriage is a good enough reason to treat his new girlfriend like shit on your shoe or mentally scar your own children is it?

WTF are you even going on about?! When did I say that?

My (very obvious) point there was that there's a whole history you weren't privy to so maybe an angry text or scream down the phone is actually entirely justified because he's breaking promises or doing what he always does? Or maybe she's sick of putting up with the same bullshit even years after their marriage ended? As an example

Ah okay, excusing shitty behaviour again.

Do you seriously think it's okay to verbally abuse someone because years ago your marriage ended badly? (And let's remember that's not even necessarily the case!) Do you think that harming your children is okay because your ex upset you?

Jesus Christ woman.

@Horst

I’ve also no interest in being a step parent not for all the gold in the world not worth it.

But don’t be silly enough to blame it all on the ex’s. Your new DH’s anit perfect little saints. They have their downsides and wrong doings too.

I have two kids, aged 5 and 9, and I wouldn't date a man with kids 😂 but I would also understand if a man refused to date me because I had kids

No, I just meant I don’t think a step mum and the ex wife should even be at each other’s throats in the first place. The man in the middle of them should be proactively taking all steps to organise contact, liaise with ex wife, and correctly parent his children. And too many times conflicts seem to arise from stepmums feeling they need to take on elements of care or finding it hard to communicate with the kids’ mum etc, when actually the husband should be doing all of that.

Ah OP I didn't realise you had kids of your own now! Or are you currently pregnant?

being a step parent seems an absolutely thankless and impossible task.

100% agree. In all honesty, I can't imagine being so attracted to someone that I'd want to deal with all the baggage that comes with it.

Bollocks. There’s no way on this planet I’m playing mum or having my life affected by children I didn’t give birth to. So I don’t even look at men with kids. Harsh but true. Helps if you’re not desperate for a fella.

So it was a hard line for you, but it wasn't for me. I always knew I wanted children, enjoyed being around children and wasn't put off by the fact he already had some.

The fact he was a hands on doting father was actually endearing, if anything.

I certainly wasn't desperate. I wasn't bad looking at 23 and could have chosen somebody with no baggage. DH was somebody I could see a future with, though. Step kids included.

However with the benefit of hindsight I do wish I had your take on it, back then, as it would've saved me alot of drama and years of crap.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro. Did you report this behaviour to the police as harassment?

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

So your ex husband being a dick in your marriage is a good enough reason to treat his new girlfriend like shit on your shoe or mentally scar your own children is it?

WTF are you even going on about?! When did I say that?

My (very obvious) point there was that there's a whole history you weren't privy to so maybe an angry text or scream down the phone is actually entirely justified because he's breaking promises or doing what he always does? Or maybe she's sick of putting up with the same bullshit even years after their marriage ended? As an example

So if I know my ex has always been useless surely it would be better for my kids to not yell and scream at him down the phone. It's not going to make him any less useless and when you attack a kid's parents you attack a bit of them. It is highly damaging to their self-esteem to have someone they love verbally abused especially by their other parent.

Op I was 23 and fell in love with someone 10 years older with dc.
It has been brutal........now my amazing ss is 23.......the same age as I was walking into his life. I absolutely think the world of him but I see his mother hurting him and his siblings ( sadly she is an alcoholic-I wish she could get the help needed.)
I just wanted to say I can relate. We only ever want the best for those we love x

@Kanaloa

No, I just meant I don’t think a step mum and the ex wife should even be at each other’s throats in the first place. The man in the middle of them should be proactively taking all steps to organise contact, liaise with ex wife, and correctly parent his children. And too many times conflicts seem to arise from stepmums feeling they need to take on elements of care or finding it hard to communicate with the kids’ mum etc, when actually the husband should be doing all of that.

I wholeheartedly agree. Unfortunately sometimes contact is unavoidable.

Dp always did the communication but unfortunately could not stop her a number of times.

I agree on care too, that is a very big issue which can be easily avoided with boundaries and clear expectations from both sides.

[quote Goldbar]@Getyourarseofffthequattro. Did you report this behaviour to the police as harassment?[/quote]
What behaviour? We did report several incidents yes but nothing was ever done.