Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP was going to propose but…..

401 replies

Mymindsgoneawol · 12/08/2021 08:32

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 12/08/2021 08:34

He sounds very nasty
He’s continuously upsetting you - all couples row/argue you’re right
But dangling the carrot of a proposal and the snatching it away - well that’s horrible
Not hearing you when he says you’re upset by the mean things he says
Not nice at all

Atalune · 12/08/2021 08:35

He sounds horrible.

That kind of horrible lashing out is really his nuclear option to wound you badly. He knows this and he’s done it 3 times? I wouldn’t want to marry such a spiteful man. I’d be seriously reevaluating my relationship with him as I couldn’t be married with someone who communicated so poorly.

Is he a bit stupid?

Peace43 · 12/08/2021 08:35

He sounds like a dick. He is upsetting you on purpose. I wouldn’t put up with this.

HPLikecraft · 12/08/2021 08:36

Jeez, what a prick. Cut him loose.

As a one off mistake I’d leave it but he keeps doing this, so he will again and may escalate to more hurtful things.
He’s using your desire to commit and settle down as a weapon against you. If he never intends to marry you, dump his sorry ass and find a nicer man to marry.

BabyRace · 12/08/2021 08:36

That's horrible. Keeping you on the hook with the possibility of a proposal, does he actually intend to propose? You need to seriously consider making such a commitment to a man that doesn't consider your feelings valid.

Savannahnanana · 12/08/2021 08:36

I think you deserve better than that!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/08/2021 08:36

I’d be far more upset about being in a relationship like that that marriage wouldn’t even be an option. I’d be leaving.

Apeirogon · 12/08/2021 08:37

He genuinely can't understand why you're upset that he said that?!

FluffyPersian · 12/08/2021 08:37

Your DP is a manipulative cock.

He thinks of the one thing you apparently 'really want' and then uses it to beat you into submission

"Well, I WAS going to propose, but you didn't bring me a cup of tea, so now I'm not going to"

"Well, I WAS going to propose but... "

Why would you stay with him if that's how he acts? It's surely a sign of things to come? can you imagine if you married him and had a child?

"Well I WAS going to to help you with the baby but....."

The quest for perfection comment is a smokescreen - Life isn't perfect, there are good times and bad times and if he's waiting for the perfect time, he'll be waiting his whole life.

I'd get out now and count your blessings you aren't married.

Samanabanana · 12/08/2021 08:38

There is no way I'd stay in a relationship like this, he sounds awful. Even if you did manage to move past this to a place where you were happier and he proposed, you'd never forget what he said Sad

Howshouldibehave · 12/08/2021 08:38

I think that is an unforgivable thing to say. He knows how much it will upset you but is doing it anyway and telling you that you shouldn’t even be upset.

Honestly, that is vile and I can’t see it getting better. Separate and find someone that is nice to you a bare minimum

LIZS · 12/08/2021 08:38

He's emotionally manipulating you. I suspect he is stringing you along bit will never marry you.

MouseInCatsClaws · 12/08/2021 08:39

I couldn't tolerate that level of childishness and I would not marry this man. Sorry I'm sure that's not something you want to hear, but just imagine this twattery for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Maybe he's all right sometimes but honestly, that shite will take the shine off any loveliness, very rapidly.

Royalbloo · 12/08/2021 08:39

I'd leg it - why would you want to marry such a nasty man?

Janaih · 12/08/2021 08:39

My ex husband had many faults but he never ever said spiteful things in the heat of the moment. Why would you want to marry this prick?

BlueSuffragette · 12/08/2021 08:40

Sounds like a power thing to me. He is saying it so he holds the upper hand and repeats it because he knows it crushes you. Think long and hard about if you really want to marry him. This pattern of behaviour could continue.

Heliachi · 12/08/2021 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

ShowOfHands · 12/08/2021 08:40

If you've already decided marriage is something you both want together then it's simple. You get on with planning it. The fact that you're already in a position where you're hanging around waiting for grand romantic gestures and he's using your desperation as a stick to beat you with, sets the benchmark for your relationship into the future. He makes the decisions, he mocks you and hurts you deliberately and leaves you upset and chasing crumbs.

Just end it now.

blissfulllife · 12/08/2021 08:40

When/if he does propose to you and you then marry, every argument will end in "I'm divorcing you" . I guarantee it

Suprima · 12/08/2021 08:40

Why on earth would you want to marry such a nasty prick who is controlling and hurting you by dangling a proposal over you? Why?

Don’t give him that power.

NoMoreTractors · 12/08/2021 08:40

I'd agree with him, tell he's right not to and you wouldn't accept now anyway because you wouldn't want to marry someone that treats you like that. But as he knows you're looking for a more serious commitment so will now leave to look for that with someone who respects you more.

fatboyslimschin · 12/08/2021 08:41

My mum used to say shit like this.

'I was going to take you swimming today but I'm not now as you've not ate your tea/messed your bedroom up/been cheeky [insert normal kid stuff]

Its head fuckery and I've been NC with her along time.

Your partner is knob and enjoys making you feel punished. You don't want to marry that.

Ariela · 12/08/2021 08:43

Why do you still want to marry someone who speaks to you in such a way? Marriage is a partnership between people that care about each other.
Ditch the rose tinted glasses and him too.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 12/08/2021 08:43

Manipulative, childish and nasty. Dangling that carrot in front of you to try and get you to behave how he wants you to. That’d be a hard no from me. You don’t want this dynamic for the rest of your life.

RyanReynoldsHusband · 12/08/2021 08:43

This would be a big red flag for me.

I have issues that mean I am quick to anger (I’m working on them through therapy) and I would never ever go near a topic that I know hurts my husband. There are just no go areas and this should be your no go area. He’s trying to hurt you and be manipulative and it is gross.

Swipe left for the next trending thread