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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP was going to propose but…..

401 replies

Mymindsgoneawol · 12/08/2021 08:32

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 13/08/2021 10:27

@PopcornMuncher

And I'd bet a lot of money if OP ends the relationship he'll suddenly love her and be sorry for being so stupid and want to marry her more than anything in the world Hmm

Abusive fuckerAngry

Absolutely.

"Most amazing man"...my arse🙄🙄🙄

LemonPeonies · 13/08/2021 10:51

My abusive exH did exactly the same thing 3 times as well! Once because I stayed at a mates a few extra nights in a different city, can't remember the other reasons. He eventually proposed and I stupidly married him. He became even more abusive and I left a year later, divorce ongoing 4 years on as he is a manipulative prick. Run.

notanothertakeaway · 13/08/2021 11:07

@stillcrazyafterall

So you come on for advice, then ignore it, and make excuses. Well don't come bleating to MN in 5 years when you're virtually a single parent with an arse for a DH and be surprised at the 'we told you'.
Harsh, but true

AIBU is full of women who have waited years for the magic proposal, doing all the childcare / housework, feeling trapped because, as an unmarried partner, they have no financial claim if they leave, and they work very part time / not at all. They are extremely vulnerable

clpsmum · 13/08/2021 11:09

You e dodged a bullet by the sound of it

chalamet · 13/08/2021 11:19

How is the “the most amazing man”? How do “his actions come from a good place”?

He’s really done a number on you if you think that a manipulative person like this is amazing with good intentions.

billy1966 · 13/08/2021 11:23

@stillcrazyafterall

So many posters that are in hell with nasty, abusive, lazy pricks, completely ignored their gut that was telling them something was off.

Thats why posters like and others keep writing "listen to your gut, don't ignore your gut".

Gavid de Becker's seminal book "The gift of fear" is a great book for every person to read.

2021babyhope · 13/08/2021 11:35

He really sounds very immature - I'm sorry but if he really had any intention of proposing to you he wouldn't be using it as something to deliberately hurt you with.

You sound quite reliant on him actually proposing which I imagine he knows and why he doesn't really bother changing his behaviour.

It'll only get worse over time but it doesn't sound like you want to leave him so keep yourself safe and surround by friends and family.

ohfourfoxache · 13/08/2021 11:38

He is doing this as a means of control

The last thing you should do is marry this guy, enormous red flags here

daisychain01 · 13/08/2021 15:21

It's so sad that the minute people point out bullying cowardly behaviour that the OP ( not just on here ) immediately leaps to his defence. "Oh but he's so amazing/such a wonderful father/etc)"

No he isn't, and I bet he doesn't value you enough to think of you as amazing - he just sees you as some one to kick and control when he thinks you need to be put back in your place.

He's never going to change, his father / father figure was probably like that, it's often learned behaviour.

grapewine · 13/08/2021 15:23

YABU to still be with him at this point tbh.

grapewine · 13/08/2021 15:25

Clearly he's not the most amazing man. But you do you, I guess.

Kithic · 13/08/2021 15:26

He really is the most amazing man.

No he is not - seriously, you have very low standards

pigsDOfly · 13/08/2021 15:40

There's nothing 'amazing' about him.

He's nasty and controlling.

Dangling the prospect of a proposal in front of you and snatching it away when you don't toe the line speaks volumes about how completely unamazing he is.

He knows exactly how to dig the knife in and really hurt you and he's used this knowledge three times so far.

You really should listen to what his behaviour is telling you about the sort of person he is because if you marry him it'll only get worse as the years go on.

TheNoodlesIncident · 13/08/2021 17:23

If OP thinks this man is amazing, she must be seeing him like a pretty stick of rock with toxic lettering running all the way through the centre. Occasionally she gets a taste of the lettering (probably reading ABUSER) but because of the sweetness outside - in her perception - she thinks it's just a blip.

It's not a blip @Mymindsgoneawol, this is his core; his fundamental nature is make you do what he wants and he uses your desire for a wedding to manipulate you into behaving "more appropriately" as he wants. You cross him so you both argue, and he punishes you for stepping out of line by whipping you with your marriage desire. He says these things because he knows they hurt you, and that's what he wants. Then he can tell you you're wrong to be hurt by it, and you should know better!

I hope you can reassess your relationship with this man, and seek therapy to discuss it and the issues you're having. Maybe a therapist can help you realise your position, if your thread hasn't.

Guysouth · 14/08/2021 04:47

Sounds like a nasty piece of work to me. If marriage is what you want one day and he’s saying he won’t propose leave him. Move on and find someone worthy of your hand in marriage. He’s clearly not “the one” if he treats you this way

Ostagazuzulum · 14/08/2021 05:03

Had this with an ex.
Had gone into his wallet to get some money (with permission to pay a tradesman) and a business card for jewellery shop with details of a ring fell put. I put it back and said nothing as felt awful and didn't want to spoil surprise. Relationship was good apart from different religions which wasn't issue for me but was always a problem festering in background for him. Confided in best friend, Waited about two years, never happened. Relationship started to deteriorate a bit (religion issue) and it came up in an argument one time. He'd said he'd chosen a ring etc was going to ask me but eventually decided he was happy to live with me but didn't want me to be his wife. I'm not a huge believer in marriage, each to their own and it wasn't something I was hankering after but he was big on marriage and these words stung. Rightly or wrongly it made me feel a bit cheap and like I wasn't good enough. It def contributed to end of the relationship.

Be with someone who values you.

sheusesmagazines · 14/08/2021 05:12

Please listen to us OP
A lot of us have been where you are
It’s not worth marrying this man, your life will be miserable
There really are men out there that don’t do this. I didn’t believe it either but my current DP and I almost never fight and never says anything remotely like this

tortoiselover100 · 14/08/2021 06:15

Get out now, it will get worse over the years, he'll throw more and more painful things at you .

HintofVintagePink · 14/08/2021 06:57

Please please leave this relationship. You don’t ‘earn’ someone proposing to you.
It’s controlling and nasty behaviour. Stop focussing in marriage being the goal; it will blind you to very big warning signs.

delilahbucket · 14/08/2021 07:08

YABU for considering marrying him. He sounds awful. I rarely argue with my dp but if ever we do we don't say hurtful things. My ex did though, and he was a controlling, narcissistic bully.

Spondooliesforholibobs · 14/08/2021 07:17

His actions are not from a good place, why would he say he is not going to propose? What possible reason?

He’s not that into you and he hasn’t got as far as ending it?
Maybe he genuinely believes you have to reach perfection, get engaged, then ?continue perfectly or ?break off the engagement ?end the marriage
Does he think proposing is all women dream about?

It seems to me he either means it (his true feelings about the state of relationship expressed) or he doesn’t (he is trying to hurt or punish or manipulate you).

You should reply “I’d have said no”, and mean it.

Tiana4 · 14/08/2021 07:20

Wow, 397 comments and only 2 in green from OP, the original and one to say DH is nice normally.
Whilst the rest of MN have responded HWBU and is not a nice man, he's manipulative

Looubylou · 14/08/2021 08:04

🚩🚩🚩🚩Do not marry this man, his behaviour is unacceptable now, and will escalate the more you accept it. You are obviously switching on to him, or you wouldn't be posting here - listen to your doubts.

Looubylou · 14/08/2021 08:12

Also, abusive men are almost always lovely some of the time. That does not excuse the times they are not. They also almost always get worse over time.

SpindleWhorl · 14/08/2021 09:23

@Tiana4

Wow, 397 comments and only 2 in green from OP, the original and one to say DH is nice normally. Whilst the rest of MN have responded HWBU and is not a nice man, he's manipulative
Indeed, and it's been two days since those two posts.

So either the poster doesn't like the answers, or is upset about her life (and who could blame her) and is taking a break from MN, or something else?

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