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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP was going to propose but…..

401 replies

Mymindsgoneawol · 12/08/2021 08:32

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

OP posts:
Whattodoaboutnothing · 12/08/2021 09:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Whattodoaboutnothing · 12/08/2021 09:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SpindleWhorl · 12/08/2021 09:11

Other Men Are Available

Knittedfairies · 12/08/2021 09:11

If he wanted to marry you, you'd have had the proposal already. But I suppose he'd be breaking off the engagement instead. You know what you need to do OP...

Phyllis321 · 12/08/2021 09:11

Emotional abuse/gaslighting.

vampirethriller · 12/08/2021 09:11

He's not going to propose. He's a knob. Don't waste your time on knobs when there's nice people out there who won't treat you badly.

TeaAndStrumpets · 12/08/2021 09:12

It's like those cliche cheesy game shows..."And this is what you WOULD have won"

You have not won a prize (prick) this time. Rejoice and move on!

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/08/2021 09:12

You are BU for wanting to marry this man. He is using proposing to you as control and punishment.

It frustrates and saddens me to see so many women waiting for their lives to happen to them on actions by a man. If you want to marry him so badly then tell him you'd like to set a date or end the relationship as it's not working for you as it is any longer. Be in control of your own life op.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 12/08/2021 09:13

Well marriage is never going to be perfect it's bloody hard work so if he thinks like that then you will never be married because he's not working hard enough at it.
I'd be reconsidering the relationship as he sounds very childish.

Original poster
Mymindsgoneawol · 12/08/2021 09:14

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

OP posts:
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 12/08/2021 09:16

Exactly what pp have said - he is trying to control you.
I would be replying what a relief because l haven't got to find a way to say no to your potentioal proposal and l would be running for the hills.
Him saying it once would be one too many times for me

user1493494961 · 12/08/2021 09:16

He doesn't sound amazing.

SirYawnsAlot · 12/08/2021 09:17

He's blackmailing you into 'behaving.'
He says hurtful things.
Marriage is important to you yet he's said several times he's not going to propose.
Think hard if you really want to accept a proposal from someone like this.

Nicolastuffedone · 12/08/2021 09:18

There is nothing amazing about him. He’s awful, truly awful. I don’t like him and I do t even know him…

altiara · 12/08/2021 09:18

Sounds like his actions come from a controlling place and he’s trained you to accept this shit.

30mph · 12/08/2021 09:19

You are being unreasonable if you don't wake up and smell the coffee. These are Red Flags waving. He really isn't 'an amazing man'. Please, raise your standards and game, and listen to the responses here. And don't get pregnant.

muddyford · 12/08/2021 09:20

He is never going to propose. He's messing you about in a very cruel way. Move him out and move on with your life.

SpindleWhorl · 12/08/2021 09:20

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

He sounds unhinged. Why are you buying into his disordered thinking? You don't have to, you know. You need some perspective here.

He's not amazing. He's got anger problems, he's a 'punisher', and it sounds like he's dissembling tbh.

honeylulu · 12/08/2021 09:21

Nasty. he thinks he controls the whole relationship. That you are so desperate to marry him that he can seek to "train" you in how you behave by waving the possibility of a proposal at you at snatching it away. I bet it has never occurred to the arrogant arsehole that you might say "no"; he just assumes your consent is a given.

Think very hard if you want to stay in this relationship at all. It won't get better. Even if you do marry he will do this if you want to have a baby, or a second baby. Then once you are financially dependant on him he might withhold his income if you don't behave to his liking ...

For now take back some control. Say that you have given it a lot of thought and think it is best that you don't marry him so he might as well stop bringing up proposing (or not). Say that marriage is something you still want in future but only with the right person. He will be gobsmacked, I promise you.

Wombat64 · 12/08/2021 09:21

It doesn't matter it comes from a good place, you're upset. Setting you up to fail. Sounds like you're not going to listen now, do not rush to get married or have kids. Nothing will change whilst you accept it's ok for him to lash out regularly without consequences.

TheDailyCarbunkle · 12/08/2021 09:21

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

This should never happen. Never.

He isn't an amazing man. He's a man who says things to hurt you and then acts confused that you're hurt (he knows why you're hurt, he just can't be bothered dealing with your feelings.)

He does not want to propose when things are perfect, he wants to hurt you and he knows exactly what will hurt the most.

At some point you will wake up to what a nasty useless fuckwit this man is. Do yourself a favour and let it be sooner rather than later.

FairFuming · 12/08/2021 09:21

Hes not amazing.

He sounds just like my ex, things were soo good for the first 5 years or so except for the odd slip of the mask which I ignored.

When he looses control like he does in an argument that's when you see the true him.
Please do not ignore these red flags.
What he is saying is complete manipulation. He will get worse. If you ever did get married or had kids together he will likely get more and more controlling and manipulative.

Anyone who deliberately says hurtful things in anger and then turns around and blames YOU for not taking them as a joke isn't an amazing partner and never will be.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/08/2021 09:21

He’s being emotionally abusive. He knows how much it means to you and that it hurts you and does it anyway. I would be very clear and would say that I didn’t want to marry him and wanted to split up, as I wasn’t prepared to live like that.

Allthelights · 12/08/2021 09:22

No he’s not amazing. No his actions do not come from a good place.

Why are you in such denial about his horrible actions?

JoyOrbison · 12/08/2021 09:22

If you did marry him, this abuse is 99.9: likely not to go away but to transfer...

Instead if refusing to marry you it will be refusing to stay / going to divorce you

If you have dc it will involve them to hurt you...

Seriously, he has shown in moments of anger he wants to taunt you / have power or control over you... That isn't due to a proposal, that's due to him, and while ever you are with him, that behaviour won't go away.