DP was going to propose but…..

[Mymindsgoneawol]

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

He is using that as a way of punishing you as he knows that's what you want. . Horrible, manipulate vile man
What's next, was going to take you on your dream holiday? was going to want children with you?
The list is endless isn't it? Do you really want this or him?
It's a stick he will beat you with. Whatever you want that includes him can be taken away
Take back control of your life

This is incredibly controlling and abusive. He's literally bullying you into behaving 'well' aka in a way that he deems 'perfect' with the threat that if you don't then you basically have no future together? Actually, it's even worse than that. He's trying to train you by making you feel like he was all ready to commit to you and then you went and ruined it. I really think the word 'abusive' is overused these days but honestly this sounds really abusive. I wonder how else he will try to train you to behave and how else he will punish you for not doing what he wants. It's REALLY worrying behaviour and could escalate into something sinister. I would call it quits over this. For sure.

What a complete twat!

Do not have children with him.

Pack your bags and tell him you would never say yes to marrying him as you walk out the door.

He is horrible and purposely trying to make you feel upset.

The fact this saying stuff in anger to hurt you, appears to be a pattern, is a big red flag for me.

Once I can deal with, he should be learning from his mistakes when he realises he hurt you. Not continuing and if anything making it worse each time. He is keeping you hanging by a thread with the promise of what he knows you want - marriage.

Honestly I'd cut him loose, if he hasn't stopped now I don't think he will.

FWIW I used to do what he does - ie said things in arguments I knew what hurt my partner. Once, my partner told me post argument how much this hurt him. I love him, so I made sure this wasn't going to happen again. I even went to therapy to deal with some underlying issues. If your partner loves you he would be trying to stop hurtful behaviour not escalating it.

What does he think marrying him is such a treat that he can cause devastation by dangling it over you then whipping it away as a punishment. He sounds like a fucking knob.

If you don't get rid, start saying " Thank God I've not married you!" During the arguments

Abusive. You don't want to marry this man. He's a bully and will only get worse. They become violent.

I see "we argue like most" a lot - newsflash. I don't think normal, happy, healthy couples argue half as much as those in abusive relationships think we do. Frequent, repeated arguments about petty things, where homes are damaged, people cry and accusations are flung are not remotely normal.

He will never propose, he’s a knob you deserve better.

Sorry to say this, but I reckon he has no intention of proposing but is dangling the possibility as a means of getting you to toe the line. Highly manipulative.

Dear God this is one of the most awful things I have read on here. What a spiteful manipulative piece of shit.

Tell him(and do it today) that if he did propose your answer would be a big fat hairy fuck off!! You don't need to spend the rest of your life with an arsehole.

No, he wasn't.

He's never going to (except if you dump him, at which point he'll ask so you'll take him back and then he'll 'change his mind').

He doesn't want to marry you. He wants you to act as though he might, though. Because that means you'll do anything he wants at all times, prioritise his wants over yourself and constantly be at his beck and call. Whilst he gets to do as he wants (nights out, stag parties, 'talking' to other women, etc) because 'You're not my wife'.

If by some miracle (he thinks he's on thin ice), you do get married, the next thing will be 'I was going to have a baby with you, but...' and then try to run the clock down on that. At which point, he'll leave for somebody else, who he'll likely propose to, marry and get pregnant within a year.

He's an arse. A spiteful, manipulative arse. Because that certainly won the argument, didn't it?

You are worth so much more than him.

Do you really want to marry someone like this? He sounds manipulative and nasty and no great catch! He has worked out how much you would like to get married, and capitalised on this .I think you like the idea of being married ,and the security .however he is not the one! Bin him off now or you face a lifetime of control from this nasty bully

He’s hurting you on purpose. Dump him.

If he does propose, say no. He’s assuming he holds all the cards and he really doesn’t. That’s why men are traditionally supposed to propose, because the final decision rests with the woman.

Real men don’t treat women like this. Aspire for more, for better

@lalafafa

Do not have children with him.

I thought this too. The way he tries to train/discipline/punish OP is REALLY sinister. Children would be just another pawn/method of control for him. I mean it could just get really awful and would definitely start to involve the children.

Dump him immediately.
He's a horrible man.

Awful. My exh was like this. It doesn't get better with time. You deserve better.

He sounds very cruel.

Walk away, you're worth more.

He’s gaslighting and manipulating you. He knows how badly you want the proposal so he’s using it against you to control you. Bin him off. 🗑 🗑 🗑 🗑

He sounds like a dick! My kids pull that shit on each other and I don't put up with it from them, so I certainly wouldn't take it from an adult! Getting married is something two adults do when they want to build a life together, not something one of them decides on when they consider the other to have behaved well enough!!

If he ever actually proposes I will eat my hat.

No evidence, apart from his word, that he was ever going to. It's both a handy stick to beat you with and a tasty carrot to keep you with him. Vile man.

The marriage can't be something that you both want otherwise he'd have proposed by now and would stop dangling it as a carrot!!! He sounds quite nasty as PPs have said. People do say stupid things in anger but when he knows it's something so important to you that he's lording over you it's just plain nasty...

I really, REALLY wouldn't marry this one. You're lucky you've been forewarned, it will save you a lifetime of regret. Take control and dump this guy OP he's rotten.