Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP was going to propose but…..

401 replies

Mymindsgoneawol · 12/08/2021 08:32

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

OP posts:
rainyskylight · 12/08/2021 08:44

You need to move on from this relationship. Why are you rowing so frequently over little things? That’s no way to live your life. This man is all wrong for you.

Gertie75 · 12/08/2021 08:44

Imagine if your friend was in a relationship with a man who deliberately said things that he knew hurt her and used marriage as a stick to beat her with.
Would you think she was with a great guy who she should want to spend her life with or a manipulate man child who she should move on from?

HealthKick2021 · 12/08/2021 08:45

Please don't marry someone like this. He'll probably say "I'm going to divorce you" when you have arguments in the marriage.

CrazyNeighbour · 12/08/2021 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChargingBuck · 12/08/2021 08:45

This sounds like a very unbalanced relationship.

When 2 people want to marry, you know they can just crack on & ... get married, don't you?

Why are you waiting around for A Proposal like a swooning historic romance heroine?
Why is it up to your DP when that happens?
As you both wish to marry, what's all the drama about when & how a proposal happens?

As to his mind games about the fucking proposal - I can't believe he is dangling this over your head or that you have now allowed him to use the will he/won't he dynamic to manipulate/punish you three times now.

Does it not put you right off him when he decides he is going to perform this ridiculous power-play charade?

Do you not worry about how you have let him hold all the cards like this? You are allowing him to be the sole arbiter of whether & when your relationship moves forward. And he is clearly not kind, responsible or adult enough to be given that kind of power over you.

Your best bet is to call his bluff, & either propose to him yourself, or wake the fuck up & realise that life with a man who is prepared to control you like this with the tiny power he senses he has over you regarding a marriage licence is not going to end well for you.

TL:DR - he's a nasty piece of work who enjoys controlling you.
Get rid.

AuntieDolly · 12/08/2021 08:45

Ask him why he thinks you'd want to marry him. And ask yourself that question too. Surely if you love someone you agree to get married and get on with it. A big fairytale "perfect" proposal is something from a Disney film and nothing to do with real life.

SpottyBumPony · 12/08/2021 08:45

He's given you the perfect response... I was going to marry you but now I'm not. Then leave him

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/08/2021 08:45

Marriage isn’t someone one person in a relationship should bestow on a couple. That’s one of the main issues you’ve got. Why’s it just his decision? You’re an adult, not a Disney princess.

How often are you arguing and why does he think it’s acceptable to repeatedly say cruel things but expect you not to believe in?

BoaCunstrictor · 12/08/2021 08:46

Using the prospect of a proposal to keep you in line is never, ever a good sign. Personally I'd think very carefully about whether I wanted to stay in the relationship now. May sound dramatic, but there have been so, so many threads over the years by women a few years down the line from where you're at. Still not married, often with a kid or two, still having the promise of engagement used to control them.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2021 08:46

Better men are available.

Howshouldibehave · 12/08/2021 08:47

What’s the housing situation-do you rent/own/his house/your house/joint house? I would be terminating this arrangement.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 12/08/2021 08:47

If he does propose i wouldnt accept.
This is a giant red flag.

If its "only words" and means nothing why doesnt he just not say all those horrendous things?
Answer: because he wants to hurt you and dangle the carrot.

Do not marry someone that is trying to hurt you.

My DH never did anything like this and frankly the 12 months before he proposed were some of the worst and most stressful of both our lives so we were arguing a bit through various stresses.

Roselilly36 · 12/08/2021 08:47

I don’t think he will never propose OP, he is just using that as a threat to control you. Walk away. Good luck Flowers

BrimfulOfBaba · 12/08/2021 08:47

Do you want to marry someone who intentionally says hurtful things out of spite?

ChargingBuck · 12/08/2021 08:48

@FluffyPersian has the measure of your man OP:

Why would you stay with him if that's how he acts? It's surely a sign of things to come? can you imagine if you married him and had a child?

"Well I WAS going to to help you with the baby but....."

This man enjoys making you miserable, & does not want to marry you.
View it as a lucky escape. He is immature & controlling.
Why would you want to be with someone who likes making you unhappy?

Vallmo47 · 12/08/2021 08:48

I’m sorry but I agree with @Roselilly36, he was never going to propose and just keep using this as an excuse to hurt you. It’s horrible behaviour from him.

RonObvious · 12/08/2021 08:49

@C8H10N4O2

Better men are available.
This.
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 12/08/2021 08:49

He sounds awful. Why are you giving him such power over you? When he says that just stare blankly at him and say ‘well there’s absolutely no point in asking me if I’ll marry you any time soon because at this point in time I’m seriously questioning staying in this relationship due to your behaviour - committing myself to you for life is absolutely not on my radar so you can put that hope out of your mind until you show yourself to be someone worth me’.

LoverOfLight · 12/08/2021 08:50

Umm, that's very very immature. Are you sure you truly want to marry him or are you more upset at the idea of rejection?

It's not normal to be that immature btw, and saying things in anger to hurt you in general is actually the far bigger red flag. I've been with my partner 8 years, had some huge pressures in the relationship at times due to mental health, and I think I have said 2 nasty things to him, based in truth not just to hurt him, and he has said one to me.

I'm not saying we have only argued 3 times in 8 years. I'm saying our arguments are genuine, productive and not manipulative or done to hurt each other.

I think you can do better than him tbh.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 12/08/2021 08:51

Oh and leave him anyway because he is fundamentally unkind. Kindness is THE number one quality we should all be looking for in a life partner. No one without that quality is going to make a good and lasting life partner.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 12/08/2021 08:51

Why do you even want to marry someone who wants to cause you hurt and upset?

ChiefInspectorParker · 12/08/2021 08:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

mocktail · 12/08/2021 08:53

Just leave! Honestly if he's this horrible while planning a marriage proposal then how can things possibly get better?

nancydroo · 12/08/2021 08:54

@Mymindsgoneawol

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

Sounds like your standard pillock, useful for him to do this to win the argument as he knows it will really get to you. What had you been discussing on the current and previous occasions which led him to press the nuclear button? He may have a specific trigger. YANBU but you should tell him he can stick his proposal up his arse the next time he says it, because he will say it again. Maybe if he thinks he's going to lose you he might buck his ideas up.
BoaCunstrictor · 12/08/2021 08:56

@C8H10N4O2

Better men are available.
Yes, it's just such a low quality thing to do. There are plenty of men who either do want to get married or are willing to be honest about not doing. It's really quite a basic standard he's failing to meet here.