Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP was going to propose but…..

401 replies

Mymindsgoneawol · 12/08/2021 08:32

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 12/08/2021 09:36

Couldn't even be bothered to read the whole thing as I just thought no, he thinks he is the boss. He thinks he gets to decide your future. Fuck that. I'd be leaving tbh.

Porcupineintherough · 12/08/2021 09:36

YABU to consider marrying this petulant man. Go find someone nicer.

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2021 09:36

From your update you're clearly not ready to confront the harsh reality of how unhealthy this relationship is.

To put it another way:
Do you want to live the rest of your life on a roller coaster where the good days are amazing but you live knowing that one day when his mood changes you're going to be hurt?
If in the future you had a daughter, would you he happy for her to be in a relationship with a man who hurts you the way he does?

Amazing men do not treat their partners the way he is treating you. Deep down you must know something isn't right otherwise you'd not have posted this thread. By asking for advice on here you've made the first step

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 12/08/2021 09:37

While you feel upset that he’s not going to propose, if you leave him, one day you’ll feel only relief when you look back at this moment.

He was never going to propose to you. I’m sorry, but he wasn’t. He’s dangling a carrot. I’m guessing the next trick will be buying a cheap ring and sticking it in a drawer, bringing it out every argument. Sounds mad but this happened to a friend of mine, and ten years later, that ring is still in the drawer.

Ohpulltheotherone · 12/08/2021 09:38

Oooh this is very underhand nasty behaviour,

What a spiteful little man.

It’s all about control and manipulation.

Yes sometimes we say things we regret in the heat of an argument- I think everyone has done that at one point or another - but it’s more like calling someone a pig or lazy or selfish or an idiot - you know just generally being frustrated and angry at the person and lashing out a bit.

What he’s doing isnt normal, it’s far from normal. It’s super concerning OP.

If I were you I’d be taking a step back from the relationship to get some perspective- I doubt this is the only way he is controlling and manipulating your emotions.

Ourlady · 12/08/2021 09:38

Get it out of your head that he's amazing
He is not amazing, he's a manipulative twat.
Who the hell does he think he is that he can dangle that carrot every time he wants to abuse you.
What a bastard.

Chloemol · 12/08/2021 09:39

He sounds childish, nasty and controlling

Why do you put up with this?

Regularsizedrudy · 12/08/2021 09:39

Why exactly do you want to marry this dickhead?

SunshineCake · 12/08/2021 09:39

Oh come on. He's not an amazing man. His actions do not come from a good place. He's not the only man. Get the fuck away from this abusive twat who is an embarrassment of a man and do yourself the biggest favour you can.

I had three men propose who didn't mean it. I got the ring on my finger and I left them anyway. When the right one proposed and meant it we weren't married in nine months. And fwiw I was moaning when he just proposed so it's bollocks about the perfect proposal.

Leave him. Honestly. You are kidding yourself. He's not a good man.

BaronessOfTheNorth · 12/08/2021 09:42

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

Sorry, no. His actions don't come from a good place.

He's using the threat of not proposing to control your actions and how you respond to him.

I hope you can open your eyes to this, obviously writing on here you must realise this is not normal or healthy behaviour.

justasking111 · 12/08/2021 09:42

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

He's killing your love by degrees. I would end this relationship you've already wasted three years. If you have a baby is he going to call you fat? So many options open to him
cervixuser · 12/08/2021 09:43

dump the fucker - his actions do not come from a good place. They come from an entitled arse place

knittingaddict · 12/08/2021 09:43

You are both humans and in a relationship. It will NEVER be perfect. There is no such thing as a prefect relationship and it's his way of NEVER having to propose. It's also a great way to make you " behave" yourself because you need to be pefect before he proposes.

He isn't amazing. He's abusive.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 12/08/2021 09:43

@ShowOfHands

If you've already decided marriage is something you both want together then it's simple. You get on with planning it. The fact that you're already in a position where you're hanging around waiting for grand romantic gestures and he's using your desperation as a stick to beat you with, sets the benchmark for your relationship into the future. He makes the decisions, he mocks you and hurts you deliberately and leaves you upset and chasing crumbs.

Just end it now.

This is pretty much it in a nutshell. Do you both want to be married? Plan it, stop messing about.

The grand romantic gesture is all very well but are you really going to put your life on hold waiting for it?

Marriage is a serious legal arrangement which has major implications for both of you. If you can't discuss it sensibly and start talking provisional dates and other practical matters - kids, finances etc - then it doesn't have a future.

Don't have kids and give up full time work unless you're married. I'm not married to my DP but I have a FT job and my finances are protected. Marriage isn't essential for everyone but if its a deal breaker for you, stop giving him all the power. And think about whether you want to marry someone who will wield that power to hurt you.

StormTreader · 12/08/2021 09:45

Just start replying "You're nuts if you think I'd say yes anyway after what you said yesterday!"

The unspoken assumption here from both of you is that you're desperate to say yes as soon as he deigns to propose, and that is a really unhealthy dynamic for both of you. A relationship should never be one person holding all the power over the other.

Rachie1973 · 12/08/2021 09:45

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

Cop on OP

He’s not amazing. He’s a manipulative bully.

What a coincidence that the only times he was ‘going to ask you’ were when you’d had a row!

What about all the nice times? Why Not ask then?

Livinghereinallentown · 12/08/2021 09:45

He’s messing with your head in a nasty and manipulative way. Do you really want to be married to someone like this. He sounds absolutely horrible. You don’t speak to people you care about in this way.

Jux · 12/08/2021 09:46

You can do better.
You deserve better.
He has a transferable skill which he knows works on you, and he'll keep using it. He'll just change the 'threat' to suit the circumstances, for the rest of your life. Any time you argue he'll pick the thing he knows you want and say "I was going to do X but now I'm not". Childish and manipulative and mean and NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

You'll not find a better man while you stick with this one.

Gemma2019 · 12/08/2021 09:46

I never hear people IRL refer to their partners as “amazing”. It’s only on mumsnet, and then the OP always goes on to describe someone who sounds like an utter shit.

OP of course he’s not like it all the time! He has to act at least half decent for a good proportion of the time to keep you with him. He is not an amazing man at all and he doesn’t want to marry you. Honestly he doesn’t.

Disneycharacter · 12/08/2021 09:46

It will get worse. This type of person is not the one to marry.

woodfort · 12/08/2021 09:46

Ok so assuming you are ok with how he acts in these arguments (I wouldn’t be)…

Then sit him down and have an adult conversation. You both want to get married and you categorically do not want to and will NOT stay in this relationship if it’s leading nowhere. He has stated that he won’t propose now, so what does that mean?

BoaCunstrictor · 12/08/2021 09:46

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

They all say that love. There's a script. There are some of them keep women hanging like this for years. We've had posts on here where it's been going on over a decade. In reality, men who want to get married generally make arrangements to do so when they've made the decision that it's what they want, not hang around for years seeking 'perfection'.
lannistunut · 12/08/2021 09:47

I didn;t post until I had read the update because these threads usually go the same way:

OP: My DP/DH does this really horrible thing
Everyone: Yeah, that's awaful you can do better
OP: You've misunderstood, he's actually amazing and this awaful thing he does comes from a good place

My view is he is not amazing, if he was amazing he wouldn't say these horiible things. He is stringing you along. Find someone who loves you Flowers

Hopeisnotastrategy · 12/08/2021 09:47

He's not amazing, he's manipulative and you are falling for it OP. Why don't you think you deserve better than this? Please think about that.

The only way I would entertain staying with this man would be if he acknowledged when he'd calmed down that he has form for this type of behaviour, that it's wrong and then took steps to address it. He'd be on probation. Are all his family the same?

Seriously ask yourself how many threads on here you've read from women in abusive relationships who keep saying "he's amazing" and you've thought "No he isn't love, he's a right dick". Well, I'm afraid you've got one of those.

Please don't put up with this. Your older self will thank you for it one day.

lannistunut · 12/08/2021 09:48

Not sure why I keep typing 'awaful' instead of awful Confused

Swipe left for the next trending thread