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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP was going to propose but…..

401 replies

Mymindsgoneawol · 12/08/2021 08:32

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

OP posts:
3scape · 12/08/2021 09:23

Chalk and cheese lovely vs purposefully hurtful personality?

Yeah, he's a manipulative and controlling bastard, he is currently "training" you out of behaviours he doesn't like.

I mean, unless you assume he doesn't have the intelligence to reflect on his behaviour?

LammasFires · 12/08/2021 09:24

He’s not the most amazing man, but you’re not listening.
So you will continue this weird, abusive relationship, the make-up sex must be amazing for you to keep deceiving yourself.
And when you have children, the petulance and manipulation, and your being upset and bewildered will be their reality.

Bopahula · 12/08/2021 09:24

He really isn't amazing. I get it's not all the time. I was married to someone exactly the same.
It's hurtful, and eventually the blow ups have you walking on eggshells, because he will go over such minor stuff. (By your own admission it wasn't a massive argument yesterday).

I suspect you won't leave as you believe it is all amazing, apart from these blowups. But they're really not ok.

When i had our DD I've been told
"You're a shit mum"
"Don't think you'll leave and get her all the time"
"You don't know what you're doing"
"I wish id never married you"
I left him after an argument in front of friends where he called me fat.

He promised he'd change, he went to
Counselling, he cried, but he still bloody did it.
The times between were really good, but eventually it was just too much. It never stopped and you just end up waiting for it.

Honestly, please leave. It doesn't get better.

Sandinmyknickers · 12/08/2021 09:25

I'm sorry, I get wanting to have a special moment, but anyone who is that hellbent on a proposal being "perfect", does not really understand the concept of marriage in my opinion and/or is not mature enough to be married.
Coming out the other side of an argument (arguments happen, but they can be done healthily) should be an opportunity to bring you closer and realise that you are a partnership and on the same team, and you want to be a team for the rest of your lives.....or you stay bitter and upset things aren't "perfect", which sounds like not a good pairing for marriage

AndytheUnicorn · 12/08/2021 09:25

Honestly just leave him. See how fast he changes his mind about proposing then Hmm

He’s manipulative and an offer of marriage should never be taken away through an argument (which no doubt wasn’t anything serious).

It’s a commitment between two people who love each other and he’s already showing how flaky he is to that commitment.

pudcat · 12/08/2021 09:25

So what happens if he decides you are now behaving perfectly for him to propose and you accept and marry? Does this mean you have to walk on eggshells in case you upset him and he threatens divorce? Or he gets angry and not having the threat of no proposal any more leads to worse wys of controlling. Please think very carefully about your future.

LammasFires · 12/08/2021 09:25

Tell him you won’t marry him and mean it.
Then see what happens.

stillcrazyafterall · 12/08/2021 09:26

So you come on for advice, then ignore it, and make excuses. Well don't come bleating to MN in 5 years when you're virtually a single parent with an arse for a DH and be surprised at the 'we told you'.

ClemDanFango · 12/08/2021 09:27

And the excuses and back peddling has started. 🙄🙄🙄 Every time.

Howshouldibehave · 12/08/2021 09:28

He really is the most amazing man

FFS.

ClawedButler · 12/08/2021 09:28

He's acting like being married to him is the ultimate prize in life.

Time and again, surveys show that single women are happiest, then married men, then married women, and single men are generally unhappiest. Being single is bloody great for women and bad for men (obvs these are all massive generalisations), yet they seem to imagine that waving singledom at a woman is some sort of threat.

I wouldn't want to marry a man who used a proposal like a ball he throws for a dog. There are nicer men out there who will make it worth giving up being single for - but this guy is not it.

DrSbaitso · 12/08/2021 09:28

He won't ask, but if he does, say no.

Please don't do the "he's wonderful, it's just when he's angry" stuff. When he's angry matters.

FoxgloveSummers · 12/08/2021 09:29

“He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.”

That’s what he claims afterwards as an excuse. He actually says shit to hurt you, and then afterwards tries to cover it up by saying “you should have known that wasn’t true” which handily does two things: 1) excuses himself 2) puts the blame on you

Allthelights · 12/08/2021 09:29

I bet he’s the type to grovel if you actually said, good I don’t want to get married anyway and walked away. You would have to mean it of course.

Azerothi · 12/08/2021 09:29

You might think your boyfriend is amazing and all the rest of the crap but I can guarantee he just doesn't want to marry you. It is as simple as that.
Your boyfriend wants it to be your fault why you haven't married, so he doesn't have to use his words and find a 'good enough' excuse that you'll believe.

Your boyfriend sounds a bit thick if I'm honest.

WimpoleHat · 12/08/2021 09:30

@Roselilly36

I don’t think he will never propose OP, he is just using that as a threat to control you. Walk away. Good luck Flowers
This. You deserve so much better.
CallMeNutribullet · 12/08/2021 09:30

Amazing men don't use your hopes and dreams for the future against you. He absolutely can control his actions here and he knows it hurts you but does it anyway... because the point is to inflict pain.

You clearly want to stay but this won't get better.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2021 09:31

You are lying to yourself. There is nothing amazing about him so consider yourself lucky he won't propose. He's an abusive, manipulative arsehole, and when he says those horrible things to you, he means every word.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/08/2021 09:32

@stillcrazyafterall

So you come on for advice, then ignore it, and make excuses. Well don't come bleating to MN in 5 years when you're virtually a single parent with an arse for a DH and be surprised at the 'we told you'.
This. Sorry op, but it’s true. Reality check time.
Summerbreeze4 · 12/08/2021 09:32

HUGE RED FLAG.

Yes people often say things in anger they don’t mean but not that. Never that, that is designed to issue maximum hurt and so so spiteful. Move on. God if this is the beginning heaven help you.

suspiria777 · 12/08/2021 09:32

marriage is something we both want

I don't think it is. I think you should leave him. You can definitely find a better boyfriend.

Sonoportafortuna · 12/08/2021 09:33

You feel what you feel. You don’t need to justify/explain/agree with feelings.
He knows that when he says this it hurts you and you feel this hurt and rejection.
And he does it again. And then again. Third time’s the charm OP.

When people tell you/show you what they are, believe them. He’s not good enough for you. He will not magically value you more tomorrow. He will use your cherished beliefs and hopes, like this for marriage, to control you.

Dear OP. Please, next time you row and he says this, take a moment, a clear sighted moment, see your future pain with him holding things over your head to get compliance, and say “you know what? No. No threats, no hurtful words and now no relationship. Goodbye.“

Yafilthyanimal · 12/08/2021 09:33

Do you have ties to him?

Children? Mortgage?

He sounds horrible. Love is without conditions.

You deserve better. Why don't you think that?

FoxgloveSummers · 12/08/2021 09:35

I’m really sorry you’re falling for his mind games, but the truth is - if you could see through them this relationship would have ended long ago.

FWIW my husband proposed at one of the most miserable points of our time together. The marriage vows aren’t about things being perfect, they explicitly mention “for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health”.

olidora63 · 12/08/2021 09:35

@pudcat

So what happens if he decides you are now behaving perfectly for him to propose and you accept and marry? Does this mean you have to walk on eggshells in case you upset him and he threatens divorce? Or he gets angry and not having the threat of no proposal any more leads to worse wys of controlling. Please think very carefully about your future.
This …I really hope you take some of the advice that has been offered on this board!