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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That it's not fair!?

267 replies

StompingMyFeet · 11/08/2021 20:27

I've NC for this because I'm aware I'll sound like a Daily Mail article in my rant. I'm just so (irrationally) hurt and upset right now.

We own a 1 bed flat. We do ok, but there's basically no way we'll ever be anywhere bigger even though we both work.We have a DD already , but for the past 3 years I've desperately wanted another baby. There's no room, money would be tricky, childcare , going back to work , OH is getting quite old etc. Plus the impact on DD by having less .. attention,time,space etc. So I know it's a know, I try to make my peace with it and forget about it. Sometimes it just fucking hurts though, so much so that it becomes physical.

Today I saw one of our old neighbours who got moved last year (council) into a two bed. She had DS with her and a baby. While we were chatting she casually said "oh this is what happens when you get a two bedroom" and laughed. I kinda hated her a little bit then, smiled ,fussed over the baby again , said my goodbyes and walked away in tears.

This is the DM part, they don't work , mid twenties , barely good enough parents . It just feels so fucking unfair that I have to consider all the risks and cons and disadvantages because there is no safety net, and tell myself no. I don't begrudge them benefits,or the flat or whatever.. I know they need it and in a way we're a million times more fortunate. But fucking hell, I do begrudge them that baby.

I'll get over it, but today I just want to cry and stamp my feet and rant and shout It's not fair!

OP posts:
Yoyooo · 11/08/2021 20:28

Are you able to sell and move to a cheaper area?

pinkyredrose · 11/08/2021 20:30

Where do you live?

monkeysox · 11/08/2021 20:30

Yanbu

HealthKick2021 · 11/08/2021 20:34

YANBU. It is unfair.

Original poster
StompingMyFeet · 11/08/2021 20:34

@Yoyooo

Are you able to sell and move to a cheaper area?
Not really. OH is self employed (skilled construction)and needs to be where the work and money are. He already commutes for jobs 2 hours away sometimes and it really takes it's toll on him.

That's the thing , what changes and "make do's" we could possibly make would have a negative effect in other ways. So I have to balance my need with DD's and OH's.. and come to the same conclusion everytime. It's not going to happen so I just have to suck it up. It's just so hard today.

OP posts:
sst1234 · 11/08/2021 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Clocktopus · 11/08/2021 20:37

Oh yay, a chance for people to air hateful views about benefit claimants!

Littlescottiedog · 11/08/2021 20:37

Agree - we're probably just going to have the one as we don't think we can afford a second. Yet plenty of those who don't work (not saying all of them) just seem to have two or three and get all their money from the state. It is what it is.

ChainJane · 11/08/2021 20:39

YANBU. But any attempt to cut benefits will be met by cries of "heartless tory bastards" or worse. Think of all the "free" school meals bullshit last year. Basically you're not allowed to do anything that might hurt the children of people who choose to live off the state, therefore there's no reason (once you cast pride and decency out the window) to avoid doing so.

ChameleonKola · 11/08/2021 20:40

YANBU to feel the way you do.

But your daughter has such a massive advantage here compared to those other kids. You may have to bear the brunt of the pain at not having a second, but your DD will benefit so much from having parents who carefully considered having her, who are level headed and sensible, who take responsibility for themselves and provide for themselves. Those attributes will rub off on her and influence the way she behaves and what she does in this world as an adult. I don’t blame you for being envious that they get to have a second baby and you don’t, but in truth the quality of life you can provide to your solo child will be so much better. Better to do a good job of it once rather than a crappy job of it twice, right?

FWIW I think everyone should think like you do. Unfortunately not everyone does, and the state rightly steps in to help those children so they’re not at a disadvantage, it isn’t their fault and with the right support it can help to reduce generational poverty and ensure they have a chance of breaking the cycle. Maybe you can think of their council house as not for the benefit of the parents but for the children, innocent children. If you were like they were then you’d want the state to step in to and make sure your children were housed, when they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

Babyroobs · 11/08/2021 20:41

But it's not exactly a great life on benefits is it ? Unless you are doing cash in hand work on the side or getting extra money from family, it is only just enough to live off. These people will never own their own property and if on UC they will be hassled at every opportunity to find work. It's not exactly an easy option !

Winemewhynot · 11/08/2021 20:43

Yep it’s shit sometimes it feels like the benefit system enables the scroungers but I think it’s better than it has been under previous governments but it’s still a stinger!

If you’re desperate for another baby could you move to a cheaper area, get a second/better job, will childcare costs will be dropping soon if DD is getting older etc?

sst1234 · 11/08/2021 20:45

@Babyroobs

But it's not exactly a great life on benefits is it ? Unless you are doing cash in hand work on the side or getting extra money from family, it is only just enough to live off. These people will never own their own property and if on UC they will be hassled at every opportunity to find work. It's not exactly an easy option !
Yet they had more children than someone who works for a living. It’s an easy enough option for people to choose it over full time work. As OPs example shows.
Clocktopus · 11/08/2021 20:47

Basically you're not allowed to do anything that might hurt the children of people who choose to live off the state

Children aren't responsible for their parents choices so it would be a fairly shitty society that would punish them for it. Children growing up in poverty don't tend to have good outcomes so measures such as free school meals a, make sure the child has been fed because hungry children can't learn effectively and b, encourages school attendance because at least there'll be food.

A large proportion of benefits are in-work benefits so the people receiving them are getting them to top up low wages paid by employers.

nancydroo · 11/08/2021 20:47

It is crap to be fair and you are doing your best. I feel for you.

Space is a big issue. Only ways round it that I can see are: to move to a cheaper area prob further north (which you say is not a possibility) or sell your one bed flat (you see you own) and take the equity out of that and rent a bigger property to have room for that second baby with the risk that you might not get back on the property ladder. A lot of people would think that was crazy. But it's about how bad you both want it I guess, there are options just not really great ones.

HumdrumGuga · 11/08/2021 20:47

Do you work just now?

Mintjulia · 11/08/2021 20:47

Op, I know what you mean but don't give up. I didn't have a child until my 40s. So I only have one.
But you may still have the opportunity. Stay optimistic. Can you extend or convert the loft?

Winemewhynot · 11/08/2021 20:48

Also we've decided to only have one spoilt princess, for different reasons than you but nevertheless. Just think how lucky we are to be able to give them our undivided attention and everything they want. We’ll have such a special bond, I just try remind myself how lucky I am to have her and the life we have if I ever start to feel a little resentful Flowers

suspiria777 · 11/08/2021 20:48

How do you know that she's "barely good enough"?

Babyroobs · 11/08/2021 20:48

A couple over 25 with 2 small children on Uc would get around £980 to live off a month after their rent is paid. If their rent element doesn't cover all their rent then they may have to pay the rent shortfall from that ?

CharlotteRose90 · 11/08/2021 20:49

Yanbu. The system is definitely unfair and it’s why more and more people have loads of kids to get a big council place. One of my friends as much as I love her had an extra kid when the council refused to move her from a 2 bed to 3 bed. She got a 3 bed within 12 months. Complete joke.

Clocktopus · 11/08/2021 20:49

It’s an easy enough option for people to choose it over full time work

It's really not. A life on benefits is not a secure one, your income can stop overnight if you're sanctioned or there is an error somewhere or if the government of the day decides you're no longer qualified to received specific payments because blaming poor people for the crime of being poor really wins votes. Any child related benefits are time limited and will stop overnight when the child no longer meets the criteria for that payment (e.g., turns 18).

Q

Babyroobs · 11/08/2021 20:50

@CharlotteRose90

Yanbu. The system is definitely unfair and it’s why more and more people have loads of kids to get a big council place. One of my friends as much as I love her had an extra kid when the council refused to move her from a 2 bed to 3 bed. She got a 3 bed within 12 months. Complete joke.
People on benefits now get no extra money for any more than 2 kids.
FunTimes2020 · 11/08/2021 20:52

Yanbu at all Flowers

Clocktopus · 11/08/2021 20:54

Council housing isn't part of the benefits system. Someone might get Housing Benefit to pay their rent/partially pay their rent but the house/flat itself is not part of being on benefits (Housing Benefit can also be paid for private rentals). Anyone can apply for council housing, not just people on benefits, and many social housing tenants work. If your rent is paid via benefits then you might be subject to the "bedroom tax" where your benefits won't cover the rent on any unnecessary bedrooms however if you pay full rent this does not apply.