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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That it's not fair!?

267 replies

StompingMyFeet · 11/08/2021 20:27

I've NC for this because I'm aware I'll sound like a Daily Mail article in my rant. I'm just so (irrationally) hurt and upset right now.

We own a 1 bed flat. We do ok, but there's basically no way we'll ever be anywhere bigger even though we both work.We have a DD already , but for the past 3 years I've desperately wanted another baby. There's no room, money would be tricky, childcare , going back to work , OH is getting quite old etc. Plus the impact on DD by having less .. attention,time,space etc. So I know it's a know, I try to make my peace with it and forget about it. Sometimes it just fucking hurts though, so much so that it becomes physical.

Today I saw one of our old neighbours who got moved last year (council) into a two bed. She had DS with her and a baby. While we were chatting she casually said "oh this is what happens when you get a two bedroom" and laughed. I kinda hated her a little bit then, smiled ,fussed over the baby again , said my goodbyes and walked away in tears.

This is the DM part, they don't work , mid twenties , barely good enough parents . It just feels so fucking unfair that I have to consider all the risks and cons and disadvantages because there is no safety net, and tell myself no. I don't begrudge them benefits,or the flat or whatever.. I know they need it and in a way we're a million times more fortunate. But fucking hell, I do begrudge them that baby.

I'll get over it, but today I just want to cry and stamp my feet and rant and shout It's not fair!

OP posts:

Disneycharacter · 12/08/2021 09:26

Yanbu. It's very unfair.

Ideasplease322 · 12/08/2021 09:35

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@Ideasplease322 OP didn't say they were claiming disability benefits. That's a different situation.[/quote]
I was just making the point that they aren’t automatically on JSA - they may be on incapacity benefits. We don’t know.

They might be desperately trying to find work or desperately trying to avoid work.

The system is far from perfect.

Samcro · 12/08/2021 09:38

@Clocktopus

Oh yay, a chance for people to air hateful views about benefit claimants!

this

Original poster

StompingMyFeet · 12/08/2021 09:42

@Beautifulday345

Without sounding rude, because I promise I’m not, don’t you need to move at some point anyway? Surely you can’t stay in a one bed long term with even one DC?

If we're able to, of course we will. That is the plan/dream. But need and ability to do something are two very different things. Hopefully in time things will get better and we're working on it. DD is 9 already.

OP posts:

Hemingwaycat · 12/08/2021 09:52

How do you make living in a one bedroom flat with a child work? Do you or her sleep in the living room on a sofa bed or something? You surely don’t share the same bedroom when she’s 9, she definitely won’t want to do this as a teenager!

I’d say you just need to try your best to find a slightly bigger house and sell yours rather than focusing too much on your friend’s situation.

FourTeaFallOut · 12/08/2021 09:59

How is anyone in construction not able to move across the country? I mean, throw a pin at the map and there will be employers looking to recruit, surely?

lannistunut · 12/08/2021 10:00

Have been reflecting on this very bitter thread - my neighbours when I was in a 2-bed with 2 kids (we owned) were in a 2-bed with 3 kids (private rental). They finally got allocated a 3-bed (housing association). It never occured to me to be jealous. What I was was glad that their lovely children had a bit more space, although I remained sad they were not my neighbours.

Original poster

StompingMyFeet · 12/08/2021 10:02

@Hemingwaycat

I’d say you just need to try your best to find a slightly bigger house and sell yours rather than focusing too much on your friend’s situation.

At the moment we do . She has her own bed and stuff on one side of the room and we have our bed and stuff on the other. Me and her share a wardrobe. We have a good sofa bed and the plan is, if we're still here and she's not happy sharing anymore, we'll move in the livingroom and she'll have the bedroom.

Must sound awful and shit to a lot of people, but we've managed quite well so far and she's not missing out on much, besides an actual room for herself.

OP posts:

lannistunut · 12/08/2021 10:07

@StompingMyFeet

It doesn't sound awful and shit to me.

There is always someone better off than you and always someone worse off than you. It is up to you whether you go down the bitter route.

I have had some very tough times, but my children had a very good life, because a bedroom of your own is not as important as a caring and stable family.

Original poster

StompingMyFeet · 12/08/2021 10:11

[quote lannistunut]@StompingMyFeet

It doesn't sound awful and shit to me.

There is always someone better off than you and always someone worse off than you. It is up to you whether you go down the bitter route.

I have had some very tough times, but my children had a very good life, because a bedroom of your own is not as important as a caring and stable family.

Many children have their own rooms, ensuite etc - and utterly horrible parents. Therapists are overbooked with these people onc ethey reach adulthood. No one needs therapy because 'my parents were amazing but we had a small flat'.[/quote]
Well I don't know. A few posters already seem horrified at our situation and how we make it work and that we must move. It adds an extra layer of pressure and worry. But then again, I'm an expert at overthinking things and stressing/worrying.

OP posts:

Beautifulday345 · 12/08/2021 10:14

@StompingMyFeet

No doesn’t sound shit or awful to me either! You and your child have a roof over your heads and that’s great, something to be proud of! But just wondering as it can’t be ideal forever so surely your aim, regardless, would be to get a 2 bed at least, maybe the baby bridge could be crossed again at that point if it isn’t too late

lannistunut · 12/08/2021 10:17

@StompingMyFeet

It is up to you whether you listen to posters who say it is terrible, or posters who say what really matters is a loving family. You decide what you think and you decide what matters most to you.

I was told my children would be unhappy sharing a room, but we did not at that time have the resources to change it so we decided to make the best of things. My children were a) happy and b) successful. Many people have eaten their words .

StrangeToSee · 12/08/2021 10:22

Sorry OP, it hurts when people have babies on purpose with no means of supporting them, yet you can’t (doesn’t matter whether that’s due to finances, infertility, a DH leaving etc). You’re entitled to feel angry and hurt.

Namechange1million · 12/08/2021 10:28

Is the living room big enough to make it your bedroom? If you wanted another you could give the bedroom to your dd and new baby. Or the living room could be kids room and make your bedroom into living room. Sounds like it's big if it fits a double and a single bed in.

Or could you rent your 1 bed out and rent a 2 bed for you.

If things are hard financially, aren't you able to claim some benefits yourself?

Anon778833 · 12/08/2021 10:35

You sound lovely(!) so you're pretending to enjoy chatting with this woman and 'fussing over' her baby.

Then you go and slag her had her parenting off online?

Honestly I don't understand why people are so two faced.

worriedatthemoment · 12/08/2021 10:43

@AwaAnBileYerHeid see I agree with this as see it all around me, I live very luckily in a ha house surrounded by a fair few on benefits with lots of children, they drive better cars than those of us who work etc , have holidays etc etc
Some genuinely want to get out of benefits and work and some do not and have another child etc
Im not anti benefits and have been there myself, but for people to think some don't choose the lifestyle then I am sorry your not in the real world.
The ones I know often have council house which helps as its private rent and benefits that are a struggle, rent / mortgage is what puts most people in debt and struggle
The cost of housing and rent is huge in many areas and the wages have not kept up with this.
More social housing/ cheaper rent would help as would also bring private rents down .
We made the choice to have only 2 children when we wanted 3 as we had a 2 bed ha house and knew we couldn't buy or rent privately and it wasn't the councils job to house us with a 3 bed , although in my area likely they would of.
Op could you let your flat and rent a 2 bed elsewhere of you really want another ? Or find a doer upper ?

Original poster

StompingMyFeet · 12/08/2021 10:45

@Itsnotover

You sound lovely(!) so you're pretending to enjoy chatting with this woman and 'fussing over' her baby.

Then you go and slag her had her parenting off online?

Honestly I don't understand why people are so two faced.

There was no pretending. I did enjoy chatting with her until she made that comment and I love fussing over babies and cooing and holding them even if it kinda hurts. Once things went tits up (yes, I know it's my own issue) I left as soon as I politely could.

OP posts:

Rachwoal · 12/08/2021 10:48

Feeling bitter about it won't help your situation, it's understandable you're frustrated but as has been said, the issue is that 2 working adults can't afford a reasonable standard of living.

Is there nothing else and nowhere else he could work if he's in construction?

Clocktopus · 12/08/2021 10:49

The ones I know often have council house which helps as its private rent and benefits that are a struggle, rent / mortgage is what puts most people in debt

People in social housing pay rent too, they either pay it from their benefits or if they're working they pay it from their wages, but either way they pay. It often isn't vastly cheaper either, where I live there isn't a big difference between the two and some social housing (e.g., new builds) is actually more than comparable private housing.

worriedatthemoment · 12/08/2021 10:50

@Nat6999 councils have to repair them especially now as they have disrepair claims etc to worry about
I live in a ha house and knwo people who work for ha and they do a lot but sometimes tenants want more like a new kitchen etc and if old one works and isnMt due then they won't get one
If you live in a council house make sure they do all they are supposed to

worriedatthemoment · 12/08/2021 10:55

@Clocktopus I am aware of this as i live in a ha house as i said
What I am saying is in many areas jf you are on benefits and rent privately that is often what leaves people short as they don't get enough to cover renf
In london a council house may be £700 a month say but a private rent £1300
Where i live a 3 bed is about £900 my 3 bed ha £500 so someone on benefits or working in a ha is better off, hence why I said more social housing is needed go help bring rents ans house prices down

FortVictoria · 12/08/2021 11:45

[quote lannistunut]@StompingMyFeet

It doesn't sound awful and shit to me.

There is always someone better off than you and always someone worse off than you. It is up to you whether you go down the bitter route.

I have had some very tough times, but my children had a very good life, because a bedroom of your own is not as important as a caring and stable family.

OP - you are not unreasonable; life is unfair, and you are perfectly entitled to your justified sorrow that you won’t have another child. You sound like amazing parents to your current child.

Bbq1 · 12/08/2021 11:54

Op, we have a 15 yo ds who is our everything. He was a so, sobwanted baby. We took 4 years to conceive him. I was in a similar position to you when he was young though and ALL my friends I met at ante natal etc were onto their second or even third baby by the time he was 3 which was slightly disconcerting. At the time we lived in a 2 bed house and although my mum and dad and IL's provided wonderful care for our ds they couldn't have done it again and paying for cc isn't something I would do. When ds was 5 and I was 37, I was diagnosed with lymphoma. There followed 4 years of operations, chemo and finally a full hysterectomy. The chemo slammed me into an early menopause. During that time, ds used to ask for a sibling which was heartbreaking as I literally couldn't do it. I would have liked 2 but in the end the choice was take right out of my hands. I only felt the physical ache when trying to conceive ds. Now, I'm glad we only had ds, he is very close to me and his ddad but at the same time is incredibly sociable and confident with lots of friends and interests. We have been able to invest our time and energy into ds and provide him with many opportunities we couldn't have done if he had a sibling. What I'm saying Op, trite as it may sound look at what you do have, the positives. I am so happy we had ds when we did as a few years later I couldn't have. There are many benefits to being and having an only child. I mean it 100% when I say I am so fortune because so many couples can't have any children.

Anon778833 · 12/08/2021 12:02

@StompingMyFeet you don't know all of this woman's circumstances unless you can see her bank account etc.

Lots of people are born with opportunities that others aren't & that's not 'fair' either.

Icecreamsoda99 · 12/08/2021 12:25

you are not unreasonable; life is unfair, and you are perfectly entitled to your justified sorrow that you won’t have another child. You sound like amazing parents to your current child.

This. The fact that you aren't behaving like a modern day Mr Micawber and having another baby with the hope that "somethings bound to turn up" (like some posters are suggesting you should) shows what a dedicated and sensible parent you are. You've looked at your means and resources at the moment and decide what is best for your existing child. Kudos to you

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